Divorcee Diaries

Who the fuck knows. 

[musicjunky1989]

I miss him.

[musicjunky1989]

Thirty.

Tomorrow’s my birthday y’all. Around this time last year, I started to blogging about my life and such. Honestly as a way for me to process my own feelings and maybe share some insight into the parts of me that are often hidden from view. 

This past year has been tough. I just went to the Dr and we were chatting since I haven’t been in there since last April. So she asked the normal questions, I told her the answers: moved twice, got divorced, started grad school, got a new job (YES YES YES! I got it y’all!!!! I’ll be an AP next year at a high school. More on that later). We talked about how I experienced a handful of the most stressful life moments all within a year. I wanted to say something like “no way? who are you tellin’...”. But I love my Dr, so I just laughed. That was a great segue into how I wanted to get back into seeing my own therapist regularly, so I was looking for a recommendation. EVERYONE. She literally recommended the family therapist that I went to couple’s counseling for with my ex.  

We came full fucking circle. All the way around, and boom - we back. 

Funny thing - I actually really loved that therapist. It’s a married couple that practices together or separately. The ex and I worked with the husband and he was great. If I’m being honest, I think a lot of those discussions in that office started pushing me towards separation/divorce. I remember moments in that office where I would be completely defeated, exhausted, just done; and Mr. Therapist would find some way to engage the Ex and I in conversation. Now, I have a hard time thinking of any time my Ex actually tried any of that outside the sessions, but while we were in the office I felt like I had someone who saw me. 

I didn’t really share any of the pain and disappointment I felt with my marriage with anyone, so feeling heard and seen was extremely impactful for me. 

Anyway, so now I might be going back for just personal counseling. In a weird way, I kind of love it. haha

So, lots of things have happened within the last year. Lots. And, I’m sitting here at my desk ( that my badass best friend MADE for me. built. like from wood. be jealous), surrounded by grad school syllabi, books, articles, new hire to-do list, all the things. 

And I’m happy. 

I’m in a loving relationship with someone who genuinely makes me happy and helps me feel more like myself, I have the best friend that everyone else wants/needs but can’t have - SHE’S MINE. BACK OFF. :), I just got back from seeing my mom and some serious persuasion on the whole “come move in with me, mom” went down, just saying. I love that weirdo to pieces and can’t wait for her to be my roomie at some point (if I keep saying it, it’ll happen right?)

 I just got a new job :) I’m terrified, super excited, and anxious to get started. I’m thankful for the school to valuing me and my experience, and honestly entrusting me with the youth of Memphis. <3 I’ll be an AP at a high school, one of two APs. I have my first day on Monday and a dinner with the admin team that night. Excited to get started and soak up all the knowledge they can give me. 

And, I did some math (as one does...) and I can pay off all my remaining debt in 6 months and still put money into savings each month. SAY WHAAAA. 

30 is looking pretty fucking good to me. As my best friend just told me today, I’ve been through a lot of shit, but I definitely upgraded. Change is hard in the moment, but looking back I would do it all again. I love this birthday lady. 

Let’s see what 30 brings :) 

[musicjunky1989]

Funerals and Self-care

Morning, 

A woman that I worked with the past 5 years has passed away from a long battle with cancer. She was such a bright spot in our school when it came to our student and family interactions, especially since she had been there for so long (since the school opened...I think). 

All that being said, I’ve decided to not attend her funeral services this morning. Funerals have always been hard for me and the last few I’ve attended have just really hit me. I attended my best friend’s mom’s funeral a few years ago and my aunt’s just about a year and a half ago. I am so thankful for this woman I worked with at school, but I don’t think I have the emotional energy to go. 

Emotional energy to go and talk to my co-workers, and make small talk, and grieve with everyone, I just don’t think I can. 

So here I am again, choosing myself, It feels really fucking selfish right now, honestly. It feels like I’m just being lazy and don’t want to go. Which is partially true, I don’t want to go. But there is more to it than that, I don’t want to keep up the appearances with my co-workers. The summer is my time to be completely myself, not my teacher-self, or colleague-self; just myself. 

So I’m not going to the services, but I did take some time today to really think about Ms. J and her huge impact on my school community. 

Thank you Ms. J for all the kids you have encouraged and supported over the years, and the teachers and staff you’ve welcomed into your heart. Thank you for being a constant joyful face and person to interact with at school and other functions. Thank you for being a great model for so many others of what a good Christian can look like. Thank you for all your service, time, hard work, love, and compassion. Thank you for being apart of my life and teaching career, and thank you for all the kind, sweet interactions we have had. That is how I will remember you, being the person who can light up a room with your joy and love of life. Rest in peace, our school community with miss you and think of you often. 

Self-care is hard y’all. I need to recognize that I can grieve and remember people in my own way. I need to remember that doing things differently is not always a bad thing. It’s ok to go against the grain/norm. I need to do that for myself and my own life. I need to live life in the best way for me. I honestly have no idea what that even means, but I’m searching for it. 

Hopefully I get a little closer each day. 

<3

[musicjunky1989]

zomg. hi.

I’m back. It’s been basically 6 months since I last processed life via this blog. I’m sure everyone was very concerned about my whereabouts... haha 

I’ve been livin’ fam. Ok, let’s hit the big areas: personal and professional life. 

Alright, personal life. I moved into a new house. It’s soooooo much closer to my bestie and work (for now- we will talk later..). It’s got a fenced in backyard for the dogs - aka, they fucking love it here. Winnie’s new thing is to stand in the kitchen at the back door and either a) huff and puff until someone notices OR b) just straight up whine. It’s a beautiful thing though because I just let them out, they run around for a while and when they are tired or thirsty, they are at the back door ready to come in. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL THING Y’ALL. 

I’m almost completely unpacked from the move - like a week and a half ago. Living, dining, kitchen, 1st floor bathroom, and my bedroom are all done. That 1st floor guest room is quite the space to just put shit you’re unsure about. It’s got everything from my entire guest bed set, camping gear, a food saver, wall decor/art, music stuff, my “memories” (a tub that holds every picture of me from my childhood, HS graduation stuff, music awards, etc.), old books, my dog crates, etc. Lots of shit ok. I think that’ll be my project over the next week. I want to get things set up in the guest room, all my camping/”memories”/holiday decorations/music stuff/etc. put up in either a closet or up one of the closets upstairs. 

My best friend is such a BADASS that she basically designed my entire house already (for funzies...I know, be jealous) and also helped me a tremendous amount. We’ve painted the living room, dining room, and kitchen. All those areas as completely setup and decorated, except for this old fridge “hole” - she has something fun planned for that. My room and the 1st floor bathroom are both setup, but not painted or decorated. I actually had a pretty good time setting up my room. I was worried about where I was going to put my desk. For now, it is downstairs in my room and I’m glad. I don’t think I’d use it upstairs right now, since there isn’t much up there. 

Oh yea. There is an upstairs. wtf. it’s awesome. 2 bedrooms, 1 full bath (with an interesting shower situation), and something like a media room... So much space. So the plan is for now is to store stuff I rarely use up on the 2nd floor and set up a 2nd guest room or “suite”, which I might potentially rent out for Air B&B. Not sure about that. We shall see. 

But eventually, the plan is for the guy I’m “seeing” (that is such an accurate description of us. We do a lot of seeing of each other through FaceTime since we live hundreds of miles apart haha) to eventually move here. So one of those rooms up there would become his gaming lair. I even made sure the internet hook up works in that room so he can get setup :) 

We are good, happy, missing each other, in love, determined to try to make our relationship work. Which, I’ve thought a lot about and here’s what I’ve decided: I want to experience love as much as I can in my life. So right now, I have this yearning for this amazing human, this goofy ass smile that comes across my face when I see/talk to/think about/mention/am reminded of/etc him, an excitement for the future that I haven’t had in a really long time or maybe ever? Still trying to unearth all of that confusion from my marriage. But, we are so good :) Hopefully within about a year we will be in the same city, place, house, etc. 

I’m sure people will have all the opinions, but as I start making big life decisions for myself and having to truly think about what I want, I care seriously about 4ish people’s opinions...so keep that shit to yourself otherwise. I’ve been really exploring (reading, watching, writing about, etc) feminism recently, and I think for me the most radically feminist thing I can do for myself right now, in this time of my life, is to live my life completely for myself. Be unapologetic about choosing myself over and over again. Damn, that felt radical just typing it. This is new for me, it’s hard honestly. But I’m working on it. 

Ok, professional. I’ve really loved teaching math. Honestly. I’ve loved changing kids minds regarding math, I’ve loved influencing curriculum choices for an entire school regarding math and math instruction, I’ve loved having residents and helping a first year teacher find their “teacher legs” - stance, voice, heart, etc. But, I do not see an upward movement for me at my current school. That makes me so sad. I love my school, my kids, my colleagues (mostly.........) my community, etc. What I do not love is some of the promoting choices the school has made over the past few years, and as part of my new radical feminist agenda - I’m going to choose myself. 

So I did two things: I enrolled in grad school, which I start next week :D for educational leadership, and I’ve been going through the process of applying to be an assistant principal. I’ve been through I think 4/5 of the process: application, phone interview, in-person interview, data analysis, role playing, school site visit, etc. So lots, and I haven’t told anyone at school (hey, if that’s you. be cool, please :) ) or my family - sorry......., because I don’t want to get my hopes up too high. Hopefully I’ll know soon so that I can tell my school as soon as possible if I’m leaving. I do not want to leave them stranded for a math teacher if I will not be returning. And, I’ll have to tell the resident program I work with that I won’t be able to mentor this coming school year. I feel super shitty about all of this, because I don’t want to cause an issue with the people/organizations I’ve grown to love and have spent so much time with, and also don’t want to say anything until I know for sure. ugh. I’m choosing myself. I’m choosing to believe/honestly know that people do this all the time. It is part of running an organization - turnover, sudden changes. I just am a total enneagram 2 and don’t want to completely rock the boat. 

ROCK THE GODDAMN BOAT SELF. ugh. I’m choosing myself, so it’s ok to rock the boat. 

It’s tough, peeps. 

So, I’ll be back soon -promise. I’ll update you on the job thing and how grad school is going. I’ll keep choosing myself and reminding myself that I’m ready to rock the goddamn boat. lolz. 

byyyyyeee

[musicjunky1989]

finals, flowers, fellowship, and routines (soo close to alliteration)

hi. it’s me. haha I literally have no idea how to ever open these. It’s so awkward, orrrr I just think it’s awkward so then I actually end up making it awkward. Either way, hi. 

So the semester is winding down and next week is our finals week at school which means we dismiss at 11am which is pretty rad. But everyone is stressed and the kids are all anxious and acting unlike themselves. It’s just a weird, stressful time for schools - teachers and students alike. The past few years I’ve written notes to all my kids at the end of the year. Just a little something to celebrate all their work and wish them well, and really honestly thank them for allowing me to be apart of their lives. But this year, my kids have really really worked hard and it’s been tough honestly. We have a lot of ground to cover and it was a kind of slow start. Long story short, I think everyone could use a little pick me up at the end of this first semester and I’m going to write them each a little note. I think it’ll help for them to be reminded of all their successes so far this year. 

All this has been on my mind today because I had a meeting for my aspiring leadership fellowship today, and it was all about culturally responsive pedagogy and efficacy. And what I walked away wondering about is whether or not my kids really feel recognized for their gains this semester, big or small. I want them to leave school at the end of the week feeling good, hopeful, content, successful. I need to do a better job of recognizing that more often. 

And, flowers. They are beautiful and I love little gestures like that. I have this super vivid memory of going to couples counseling with my ex and the counselor asked me how I like to be loved, basically what’s my love language. I like being told and shown with little things- a note, flowers, a sweet text, etc. And he never once did any of those things for me from that moment. I forgot what it could feel like to be surprised by a sweet gesture. These beautiful flowers are from a man who is beyond sweet. And they made my day. 

So recently because of a lot of things- figuring my shit out, holidays newly divorced, trying to climb out of debt, etc - I’ve been struggling with my moods.  Nothing was interesting, things I normally love annoyed the shit out of me, awful food choices or lack their of, not feeling like complete shit, just feeling so blahhhh. So I did some research because google. And I made a night time routine that has really helped me the last week or so. 

This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous but, I think I’m finally learning how to take care of myself. 

to-da-loo

[musicjunky1989]

Damn.

[musicjunky1989]

For real though. The more I think about it, I just didn’t know what a relationship should be like or what I wanted it to be like, and deserved. But now I have a clearer picture, so when I see it I’ll know it. 💕

[musicjunky1989]

Oh ya know.

Just a love song and a dinosaur doing its thing.

[musicjunky1989]

Divorced at the holidays.

First of, holidays are kind of stressful. I feel like everyone can agree on that. We try to smush all this “bonding” into such a short amount of time. It’s great to see everyone and talk about what’s new. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just a lot sometimes.

Now, add to that I’m newly divorced. It’s so awkward. So an example: a lot of people at my work know that I’m divorced but some don’t. Had a couple conversations that went like:

Them: so are you going down to your husbands family or yours for the holidays?

Me: oh, I’m actually divorced now.

Them: oh my god. I’m so sorry, I had no idea .

***here is where I get stuck sometimes. Because.... I really appreciate the sentiment, but like—- no one died or was hurt or really hated each other. I don’t trust him and am beyond disappointed. I’m not his biggest fan, we aren’t friends after all this and likely never will be. And, I’m ok with that. Idk. I get stuck.

Me: yea, it’s been a few months so a lots changed. But I’m doing good. (Insert subject change here)

*so here most people would take the hint right? But there was this one time, at work, that this person just did not pick up what I was throwing down. Ya know?

Them: sooo, what happened?

Really? Because it was a few months ago it’s ok just to ask. Girl. Bye .

Anyway, holidays are weird because people want to know everything that’s new in someone’s life. Um, I got divorced. I go to work everyday. Um, I started a school leader fellowship. (Which I’m actually pretty excited about)

Most people fly right past that, or I don’t even get to tell them about the fellowship because they’re so focused on the divorce thing and are saying something. Maybe I should change the order in which I reveal moments of my life?!? Haha

Long story short: holidays are weird. I love seeing everyone, but also love moving on lol

Now Christmas. I’m actually excited for Christmas. I get to spend both Christmas Eve and day with my mom. I used to split that time with his family, who I adore and honestly miss. But I also want to spend lots of time with my mom.

Then it’s New Years. :) I’m a lottle excited for that. Lol I wonder if anyone will get that Easter egg. Hahaha

Truth be told. I’m excited for 2019. I think somethings will change. I think I’ll be shedding this 2018 self and growing into a better one. I’m ready. ✌🏼

[musicjunky1989]

You are indeed deserving of the same love and help that you’re offering others.

Ryan O’Neal

[musicjunky1989]

Two

Enneagram. If you know what I’m talking about, continue on. If that’s not you, google it. Lol

Ok so I’m a two. Which is you know me, is totally obvious...I think? My bestie recommended this podcast to me (the sleeping at last podcast) and the song from it is...beautiful (Two). The podcast is amazing. I was listening to it just being like “damn. That’s me...”. Listen to it. Better yet, listen to the one about your number.

So here’s the other thing, at a few points in the podcast they talk about how the song is written to someone who is a two, and also as the two singing to themselves. It’s meant to emphasize the need for two to actually take care of themselves in the same loving, nurturing way we do for others. Yo. I needed this.

I’ve been in this weird holding pattern. I’m not really doing anything. You know what I mean? I work, I come home, relax, and sleep. I’ve done like 2 exciting things in the last couple months. It’s just me avoiding life. I need to actually figure out who I am, as a person sans copilot for the first time in a long time.

I need to learn, and honestly grieve, so I can move forward.

October was really hard. Anniversary, so many October memories and milestones, birthdays.

November. What will you bring?

[musicjunky1989]

Paradise and my anniversary

Hi.

Long time, no read? Idk.

I’ve been on vacation the past few days, and it’s been amazing to shut my brain off and just enjoy the moment. Plus, I mean, look at this place.

I’ve read an entire book, listened to the waves crash on the beach, and ate some DELISH food. Seriously, if you ever go to St. Thomas you need to go to Brooke’s Bar near Magens’ bay. I had the conch plate and OH MY FUCK. It was delish.

I’ve had a great time. It’s been the perfect place and distraction from my wedding anniversary date. It’s the first time since I’ve been divorced and I didn’t think it would matter at all. How could just a certain date have an effect on me? Well. It did.

It’s hard to not think back to what it was like or could have been.

So on 10/9/18- my anniversary- I laid on the beach, drank some rum- ok, maybe a lot...- and just enjoyed life. And then I held my friends baby and just cried.

Even now just thinking about it, I’m tearing up. What could have been if I’d chosen someone who cared as deeply for me as I did for them? Someone who really truly wanted to be a partner with me in this life? Someone who was willing to work hard to support us and not just allow me to carry all the responsibility and stress. I spent a lot of time thinking about that.

And then, I literally said “fuck it”. Stop dwelling on the past. Enjoy the present. So I got up off my ass, brushed some sand off and jumped straight into the ocean.

This vacation has been a beautiful time for me to enjoy my friends and my new self. Each day, I get more and more excited about this new person I’m becoming.

So I’ll take my new self, a good book, and good drink to the pool and just enjoy my life, self, surroundings.

This crazy life is full of twists and turns, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

[musicjunky1989]

This weekend was nice. Had a pretty busy Saturday but getting lunch with my bestie today was a great way to kick off the afternoon of grading and watching shitty shitty tv.

[musicjunky1989]

Fragile. Handle with care.

Today was/is hard. I feel like I’ve been “dealing” with everything pretty well. At least on the outside.

I’m overwhelmed. People need things from me, want me to do things, kids have questions and are being kids, and my patience and energy are at zero.

It feels like I’m the only one who knows I just got divorced. It feels like everyone else has no idea about the massive whole in my heart right now.

That hole makes everything more challenging. Getting up in the morning? Yes. Taking care of myself physically and mentally? Extra yes. Showing up for people I love and care for? Yes yes. Doing my job? Yes. All of it? Yes.

Everything seems like an exhausting battle and I’m the only person who sees my struggle. Probably because I’m not sharing it with people (like in real life... not this internet life thing lol 😬😂)

I’ve always been good at hiding how I truly feel. Ever since I was little, I used humor to deflect from my true feelings and issues. And I must be doing a good job of this now because people just haven’t asked how I really am doing. It makes dealing with all of this pain so much harder when I feel alone.

All that being said, I know that I have a list of people I could call right now and talk with. I’m just not that person right now. I feel very vulnerable and upset, and I don’t want to take the risk of calling someone. I know that’s fucked up-I’m literally complaining about something I could fix with a few taps on my phone. Just humor me, ok? Lol

I just want a mental break from all of this. I want a break from changing all my formal insurance docs at work, dealing with the cars, dealing with my debt, etc. I want a fucking a break from all this adulting. I want a break so I can grieve this loss.

I need to wear a sign:

Newly divorced. Major life changes in progress. Fragile. Handle with care.

[musicjunky1989]

Twilight Saga and 122

Ok before I get a bunch of shit about Twilight. Can we just all admit that it is extremely dramatic and poorly done? That. That is exactly why I love it. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOO extra. 

Long story short, I started rewatching the Twilight Saga (pssst. don’t wanna hear your sass.....) and when Edward leaves Bella he says it would be like he never existed. That is what my life feels like. 

It feels like my life with my ex never even existed. Like it has been erased from history. I know that sounds absolutely crazy, but it’s really only been a little over a hundred days since I made the decision to file for divorce. And in the last 60 - 90 of those, my entire life changed. There is literally nothing, except Belle and Winnie, in my life that reminds me of him. I sat on the couch tonight for several minutes looking around to see if I could find anything that reminded me of him. 

And there are 3 things that remind me of him, sorta. I’ll explain the sorta in a minute. First, the things... hahaha 

1. Shells - That we collected when we first went camping with my bestie and her husband. That trip was pretty rad, it reminded me that sometimes you just need some goddamn peace and quiet. 

2. An old army ammo can - I bought this for my ex when I went to Waco Texas with my bestie on our first girls trip. 

3. Belle/Winnie - I wanted to adopt a dog when I first moved to Memphis and it just kind of happened. Winnie was definitely his dog. They spent so much time together and were connected on this weird level. They helped each other with human interactions. 

That all being said, when I first look at these things - I don’t think of him. I associate the shells and the ammo can with my bestie instantly. And I just see the dogs as mine. And, I’ve felt that way for a long time. I know it has only been a hundred-some days since we officially separated, but for me and my heart it has been much longer. If I’m honest with myself, I wasn’t “in” that marriage for months before I told him I wanted a divorce. I was distancing myself and finding little ways to move on before I even know what I was doing. It’s a super weird realization about myself and how my emotions and actions are so strongly tied. 

Ok, but here is the crazy part: It feels like a long time ago when I think about when I last felt “in love” with him, it feels like a pretty long time ago since he moved back home and I moved on. It feels like it was months and months ago since I started this whole process. 

It feels that way until your timehop brings up a post about a great time together from years ago. Or, the song you walked down the aisle to comes on your shuffle. Or, you talk to your dog in a stupid voice that we both used. That’s what fucks me up. It feels like it was forever ago when I made this decision (a great one for me, btw), it feels like forever until something random reminds me. And then, it feels like just yesterday. It feels like all the loss and hard change I experienced just a couple months ago. It feels so raw and suffocating. And then I remember the years of disappointment and lack of interest. I remember how I know now that I wasn’t being loved as I deserve. I remember that just because people take advantage of your kindness and soul, doesn’t mean everyone will. I remember that I am fine. I am doing really well. I feel more like myself than I have in years. 

So for a second or two it feels like I’m being crushed under my own grief, loss, disappointment, anxiety, anger, etc. But then, I remember. 

I remember that I am strong, and I smile. 

Ok there is actual a third thing that reminds me of him. It is this magnet that has a picture of William Shatner on it from Star Trek (on the bridge - duh) - it says “Smells like SHAT”. Like c’mon, that is just hilarious. 

[musicjunky1989]

UPDATES gone wild. maybe not wild, but there are updates?

HAAAIIIIII INTERWEBS!

It’s been a minute. School started and I forgot how exhausting the beginning of a school year can be. But, a lot has happened and I honestly missed writing about it.

I finally started reading Sonya Renee Taylor’s book “The body is not an apology” and it’s wonderful. I’ve been highlighting and writing in the book every single time I read!! So many great ideas, and things to really sit and think about. Like, what happened that all of a sudden I hated my body? When did that start? I honestly can’t tell you. What I do know is that it hasn’t been until recently (let’s be honest - 5/18/18) that I’ve started to take the time to really unpack why I am the way I am. And, it’s so fucked up that our country/world literally profits from my lack of self-love. If anything that just pisses me off and makes me want to move forward into a better space. SO WATCH OUT BITCHES. lolz. 

But for real, this book is great. I’ve been telling all my kids about and sharing in class about what I’ve read. I need them to know that it is ok to still be figuring things out. Hell, I’m a full grown woman and am just now starting to understand myself.

Better late than never. 

Last week I read the chapter “Building a radical self-love practice in an age of loathing” and SRT wrote about people treating their bodies so poorly because they have a disconnect between themselves and their bodies. OH MY GOD! IT’S LIKE SHE OBSERVED MY LIFE. Anyway - this section really stuck with me. 

Y’all. That is just so sad, beautiful, and optimistic as the same time. Nayyirah Waheed - me too. me too. 

In other news, I’m officially divorced. As of August 20th 2018, I am no longer a married person. I’m unmarried? haha It feels great and weird at the same time. It’s great for reasons that I feel like are obvious to me now: I am happy. I AM HAPPY. Do you know that I never thought that or ever said it out loud up until recently??  How absolutely fucking insane is that? But, I really am. Sure, shit is stressful but I wouldn’t go back for anything. My friends, co-workers, family, former and current students all have noticed that I am happier than before. Which is funny because usually I tell them:

I just got divorced and they say “ohhhh, I am sooooo sorry” and my response is ALWAYS:  “I’m great. :) “ lolz.

So I’m great because I’m spending a lot of time on myself and finding out what I like and don’t like, realizing how to best take care of myself first and how to love myself through every single moment. A part of that has to do with men. I’ve written previously about some of the unwanted attention I’ve been receiving, but I haven’t talked about the good side of all of this. 

So, I started talking to someone and he has been helping me realize some of the best parts of myself. I mean I always knew that I was fucking hilarious :) , but it’s so much fun to just talk and spend time getting the other person to just laugh with no ulterior motive. Or talking about what math skill I taught at school that day - which my ex-husband wasn’t even REALLY interested in hearing about, so it’s nice to talk about it. Especially since that is my entire day: teaching math and spending time with the kiddos. 

I’ve realized that I am so worthy of being loved - by myself and others. It’s been great and he’s a part of that.

Before anyone freaks out - we are just talking. There is a lot of distance between the two of us (yay internet and it being 2018) and I honestly think right now, I need that. As much as I want to just meet up for sushi or go for a drive, I know that I need this time for myself. But, he has definitely been contributing to my happiness in some of the most surprising ways. 

TL;DR -  I’m officially divorced and very happy (about it and more)

:) 

[musicjunky1989]

Misogyny on the road + grocery shopping

Driving 8.5 hours through the mid-south and midwest is ALWAYS entertaining. But today, I was pissed. 

I drove past a semi with this on the back on the trailer:

***I was stopped in stand-still traffic when I took this. No one be concerned :) 

In what fucking world does this imagine, of a basically naked woman, have anything to do with wide turns?!?! Seriously. Also, is there going to ever be a line that men - because let’s be honest do we REALLY think that a woman would have made this sticker??! Really. Anyway, is there going to ever be a point where women’s bodies won’t be objectified and overly sexualized by men? 

This truck is from Providence Trucking. I’ll be emailing and calling them on Monday morning. I have the trailer number and license plate. This is ridiculous. Which brings me to the ridiculous shit that is happening EVERYDAY. How is this the country I live in? I just can’t.

So here’s what I’ve started doing. When something rubs me the wrong way or makes me uncomfortable, I say something. I can no longer assume someone else will say something. I need to speak up more.

I’ve gotten kinda ballsy in this post-divorce phase. It’s kind of fucking awesome. 

So at the grocery store a few days ago, I kept running into this guy. It seemed like ever aisle I went down, he was there. Creepy. Fast forward to when I’m walking to my car, he started walking up next to me. He asked me how I was doing and I answer him, politely. He asked me if I would give him my phone number, and I told him no. I don’t appreciate being FOLLOWED in the store by a man. or anyone for that matter. and I think more importantly, I REALLY DO NOT APPRECIATE BEING FOLLOWED TO MY CAR BY A MAN WHO WAS JUST FOLLOWING ME AROUND IN THE GROCERY STORE. So. 

I told him this, and he basically shrugged it off like I offended him in some way. UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I did not walk around the grocery store in my gross workout clothes, picking out food for the week so that a man could watch me or follow me. Shit, I didn’t even go to the store thinking of a man. I was thinking of food <3. But I keep encountering men who think it is appropriate to stalk me in the grocery store or catcall me from across the street or roll down their window when I’m picking up actual dog shit and whistle at me. Back the fuck off. 

If you want to get to know me, there are SO SO SO SO SO many better and appropriate ways to do that. 

Rant. Over.