Last night was fucking ridiculous.
Started at work when we'd all finished for the day, and ended sitting on my lounge room floor with my work mate, drinking wine and smoking weed at 8am trying to come down off all the speed. Yikes. So much happened, there is so much I could tell you. But this is mostly about the bar. And.... about me. Shocker, I know.
So we went to The 86 on Smith Street, watched some drag, had some shots and some bumps of speed and had a dance, it was so packed. A guy stormed past me swaying and ran into me with his full body weight and almost knocked me fully down, when I stepped back and said "what the fuck dude?!", he didn't even hear me, or look at me. A girl walking past saw me yell at him and said "damn girl! Yeah!" Looking me up and down, nodding. That felt great.
I saw so many beautiful people having fun, beautiful women I would have loved to talk to. I wondered when we'd make eye contact- what do they think I'm doing here? Do I look like the token straight, super feminine girl hanging around in a gay bar? Again, I need to have more faith in people and stop thinking about things like that.
Trying to work out my place within the crowd in a queer bar like this was hard. I'm trying to hold my position and not worry about it, not make up assumptions that people may or may not be making about me. It doesn't matter. Just have fun. I've been who I am forever, my first sexual experiences were with girls, for a while there.. until it became too taboo and everyone declare themselves straight, and dated guys. And I think I too just learnt to slot into regular school/teenage society, which happened to be very straight indeed, to the point of being homophohic.
I have a fairly open minded family. Always had close gay family friends, was taken to all the cool queer parties with dad as kids (we were *those* kids you occasionally see at a party-clearly too grown up for their age, okay with it) but I never felt I could really be honest with them about it. I still haven't told my family, and I almost feel like I don't need to, but I'm not sure if that is fear talking, or not. I think they know me, and don't really need to hear it to know that I've always been with both men and women, I don't think they'd be surprised.
I guess I just can't bear to hear their potential judgement or disappointment if I do tell them. I feel embarrassed even writing about their possible reaction. And about the whole thing in general- because really, who the fuck cares? It's entirely personal and my own sexuality has no real implication in the world, or for anyone but me.
F u c k i n g w r i t i n g a b o u t i t.
