Tonight....the worse my anxiety has ever been.
I have been out on works do’s before but tonight was totally different.
The ladies told me that they would be at the slug & lettuce between 19:00&19:30 and no surprise I was there at 1900. No one arrived, time was ticking and I’m starting to panic. I hate being late for stuff but I also don’t like it when plans change and you don’t know about it so that was the thought in my head until one of the phlebotomist arrived! Thank god! Hubby was like ready to come get me because I wasn’t coping very well.
Everyone then slowly arrived and we all sat down for a drink in the slug together. I’m still the newbie and I feel like I’m not part of the group yet. A lot of the receptionist staff are younger than like me like 5/6 years younger and its like I’m not part of the corked yet. I don’t mind but I then try hardest to make conversations with them to build a nice relationship. I think it’s going to take a bit more time.
I spent most of the night messaging my mum and she was like is normal and just to be myself, I struggle to be myself when I don’t feel like I’m liked for being me. Mum sent me this “Stop worrying it’s just because they don’t know you you’re being paranoid why don’t you get your phone out and take a photo of everyone and just say you’d like a momento if your first works night out don’t include yourself which just shows you’re not bothered” this was after I said that they took a works photo and I had just come back from the loo and no one seemed to say “oooo Linda missed the photo”
Anyway we all had food and I had a couple of beers more than others so obviously I would pay my way and I offered to pay for some of the women who was leaving meal so she didn’t have to worry. Everyone chatted and I tried so hard to make conversation that they would like but really struggled. I don’t know if it’s the age different, the knowledge in a different replace but I wanted to run home, I wanted to leave I really stressed about everything.
If I didn’t have my mum at the end of the phone making me calm I would have gone home before dinner.
I’m home now, I feel better. hubby and I had a drink in town when he picked me up which was nice as I just wanted to talk and express how I felt and when we were alone together I just hugged him. He knew how low I was, he understood how I felt.
I take pictures of everything I do and I love sharing memories of things I do but today was like I have to do it so I don’t seem like a weirdo these days that doesn’t take photos. I was so uncomfortable taking the group one but I had to do it, I had to show I was okay. I had to show that I was Linda but actually I was battling with myself inside.
The food at Wagamama’s however was amazing and I didn’t realise how spicy the main would be so want able to finish it, thank god for beer.
