When Your Dreams All Fail | thewanderinggod
Rose never would've thought there'd be a downside to getting her memories back. It should've been a blessing. Getting all those years back, really knowing who she was, understanding what the Doctor really meant to her... Not to mention, knowing once again that she'd gone from shop-girl-without-a-future to woman-who-helps-save-the-universe. She could feel good about herself. Proud.
It was really, really great to have all that back -- don't get her wrong -- but it was the bad memories she was still having trouble with. All the ones filled with pain and fear and mourning. They all felt fresh and new, like she'd never coped and dealt with them yet. And for the most part, she tried to push them away and ignore them because she had dealt with them. Some things like going back in time to meet her father only to watch him die, and holding her other Doctor in her arms as his life slipped away... Those were years ago! Still terrible thoughts, but she'd long since worked through it. Having to kill the TARDIS she'd watched over for years to get her and this universe's Doctor out of the void was a bit more recent, but she'd been okay.
Then it was all compounded by the months she spent mourning that Doctor after his supposed death and eventual return. Yeah... She wasn't particularly over that one, but she tried to be.
Try as she might, however, she couldn't always push the pain away. A thought would cross her mind, and the emotions would be overwhelming. When she slept... Oh, when she slept, the nightmares were back. She hadn't had them in forever -- not since that first year after the Doctor had died. Yet whenever she closed her eyes, there they were. Daleks. Everywhere. There was so much death and there was no hope. He would die. He would die over and over again, and she could never stop it.
It'd have her thrashing about in her bed, mumbling to herself and begging for it to stop. Sometimes -- like tonight -- she'd even scream at the top of her lungs and scare herself awake, eyes already filled with tears and hands shaking.
