Oct 30, 2022
when will the bots stop following me
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when will the bots stop following me
hb a
i can't keep doing this fuckall life man. things always seem so bad when im on my period, i always wanna d /// e but not really yk? i love coming here and writing shit because this place is just like a void that i can scream in and nothing comes out of it. i miss having friends here but i also love how this tumblr looks like an old room that you leave behind and nothing ever changes there- it only collects dust
i always miss being a child, things were so much simpler even when they seemed tough.
when i think of childhood, it feels like a memory that i barely remember at this point. it's so sad that i've lost majority of my memories from my childhood and they keep fading away more and more each day
trying too hard to hold onto whatever memories of childhood I remember.
the closer i reach to my 30s, (im 27 right now, but in january i will be 28) the harder i seem to hold onto the things from my past. when i was younger, maybe 15-16, I used to read Vampire Academy a lot, but since my english was terrible and i decided to make a facebook account using a character's name from the book- Rose Hathaway. i started to add people with character names from the VA books, and i decided that adding random white people and interacting with them will help me get better at english. That was the time when I found out the world of role-play, I was surprised to see how many people had original character names or names of characters from VA books or Twilight series. someone was kind enough to explain what rp meant. I started to talk to people and i met such kind and fun people there, it was a great experience. But it also came with a lot of bullying because my english wasn't the best.
Recently, I was waiting for my therapist to join the meeting, she was running a couple minutes late and I dont know what made me remember my first RP account, I thought maybe i can try to find the login details since I still remembered what my first email was. After some struggle, I was able to login to my first rp account and the memories hit me so hard. I read my chats from 2010-11, realised how so many people were being so weird to me and all i kept asking was "what does that mean?" lol and how hard i tried to speak like the americans that I was interacting with. It did make me sad but then I found my chats with my first best friend on the internet, I loved talking to her so much and I loved her so much but we drifted apart after a couple of years. (thankfully we made up after a few more years of staying apart and now we're good friends again which makes me the happiest). I saw so many posts that I made, I remembered how I used to talk to people and how hard i tried to have fun and how depressed I was when i was in school and how i still carry some of the sadness still.
Once I understood rp better, I made another account and decided to keep my real life away from my rp life, but i fell so hard for a person there who doesn't exist anymore. I think dealing with the death of your internet friend hits so hard especially when you're also a young adult, because the chats still exist but they don't, and you don't have a way to contact them anymore. Now that i'm older, I'm able to understand and cope with death only slightly better than I could when I was 17-18. I found the login details of my second rp account as well and read the chats between the guy i loved and i. For some reasons, it seemed to me that i was reading about someone else's life, someone who isn't me anymore. I felt that there was big wall between the emotions there, and the emotions that I feel now. I don't really know whether it is a good thing or not, but i think i'm able to cope with things better because i'm just older.
I've been feeling like i'm trying too hard to hold onto the things from past because it all seems like it happened so long ago. Maybe my concept of time is fucked up, but maybe the concept of time itself is fucked up to begin with. 2010 seems like it happened two years ago, but it happened over ten years ago, and I don't know where did all that time go. How are twelve years even real. when did i grow so old? Why do i keep growing old?
Today has been such a hard day, but the more I write, the calmer my head feels.
it's autumn again, and the more i grow up the more i forget the feelings i felt during this month as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult in her early 20s. I'm almost 28, autumn just feels like a faint memory now.
i want to leave this country and make a better life for myself ;-;