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[ilovethewayihurtyou]

MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW AND EVERYONE AT WORK SANG TO ME AND WISHED ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY

[trytofuckingremember]

I saw the hickey on your neck in his room last night. god it was so fucking big I could see it from across the room. no matter how hard I looked at you, you wouldn’t look at me. you kept pulling your jacket up to try and hide it. I almost got up and walked out without you.

when we got in the car to go to my house, I reached over and pulled down your jacket and shirt to see it, then pushed them back up and you away. I started my car and pulled away from the curb.

"What’s up? What’s goin’ on?" "Nothing." "What happened between you and him?" "I knew you were thinking that, this whole time I knew it. Nothing happened." "I mean, you left for the store at two and you were gone for 2 hours." "We sat in my car and talked, because you had no interest in talking to me." "Are you sure that’s it? You didn’t even kiss?" "No, we didn’t." "I heard you though." "You what?" "I heard you, in the room." "Are you fucking kidding me? You think I kissed him on the couch while you were next to us in the bed? Are you fucking kidding me?" "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you." "What happened to your neck?" "It’s a hickey."

you said it happened at the bar, you were drunk, you don’t even really remember her, maybe she had dark hair? I opened the door to get out of the car.

"Don’t. Please. Get back in the car." "I can’t fucking believe you. What the fuck?" "I told you. I do fucked up shit." "Hah, yeah, you do."

I punched the steering wheel. you said, “I can walk back to his house if I need to.”

I slammed the car door. I said, “I’m a fucking idiot.”

"No you’re not."

"I can’t believe this. I look so fucking stupid."

"How?"

"I spent so much time, in the car with him, talking about you. And you have a big ass hickey on your neck. Nice."

"I’m sorry."

"Me too."

after I calmed down, I told you to lean your seat back and I made you hold me. we were sitting outside my house but I couldn’t wait until we got inside.

-

you made love to me for the first and second time last night. you’ve come close a couple of times, but in the year we’ve been fucking, that’s all it’s ever really been.

I love when you dominate me, when you tell me that I’m yours and yours only. but that will never come close to you making love to me. I told you for the first time that you were mine,

"Fuck that girl who left that hickey on your neck at the bar. Mine."

"I know."

"Nobody else’s, do you hear me?"

"Yes, yours."

I told you after that we’re ridiculous. you scoffed but agreed. I apologized for punching the steering wheel when I found the hickey. I told you that I have no right to be upset about what you do or who you do it with.

"Yeah, but.. I want you to be upset." "I won’t get that upset about it again." "I don’t think I like the way that sounds, though." "I’m sorry."

you spent a little while longer apologizing, you seemed unable to wind down while I was mad at you. after you were sure I wasn’t mad, you let me cuddle up to you. I passed out the minute you wrapped me up in your arms.

[trytofuckingremember]

I left you a note with three cigarettes when I went to work. I kissed your forehead and tucked you in before I left but I think you were sleeping too hard to notice. That’s okay. it wasn’t meant for you to notice.

"gone to work. I’ll be on break at 2 if you need a ride home.

I love you, okay?”

I sent you a message just before one to let you know I’d like to hear from you. you thanked me and I apologized for being too much; I told you I couldn’t stand watching you walk away from me.

"You weren’t too much, you were just enough."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I slept like a baby next to you."

[trytofuckingremember]

you took off walking shortly before 5am.

I was confused because you got up to go out and smoke right as I was getting up to leave and I thought you just wanted to say bye to me without him there.

you bolted past me up the stairs, you slammed the door even though that’s your biggest pet peeve.

when I first went out you answered, you stopped, but the second I was close, you took off.

I followed you halfway down the road in 20 something degree weather.

you just kept saying “go the fuck home” “I’ll be okay” “I’m not even cold goddammit”

I fucking begged you. I ran to my car, I followed you to the park, you kept walking.

I was begging you to not walk away but the only thing I could see was you shrinking in front of me.

on the last of my phones battery, I begged you to get in my car. I told you I couldn’t leave with you in the cold, I just had to make sure you were safe. I just need you to be safe.

always.

after my phone died and I walked around the park looking for you, you felt bad and finally came out from behind the tree you were using to hide from me. you finally got in the car.

you told me you didn’t mean to scare me. you said you were sorry for being mean. you promised you would have walked home.

"I fucking love you, did you know that" "I do." "Are you sure?" "No." "Why? Why are you unsure?" "You hurt me too, sometimes." "What did I do, though?" "I don’t know, nothing. I’m just emotional."

I think you know I had sex with him. I’m sure that you know. but I will never admit to it. not that night. not then. I’ll take it to my grave. it’ll never happen again. I’ve never felt so guilty about something before.

I could barely peel my body from yours this morning. thank you for staying. thank you so much for letting me hold you for a few hours before work.

sometimes I feel like the only glue holding you together and goddamn that’s so hard to do when you’re always trying to scrape me off.

I fucking love you, did you know that?