my name colliding with his felt like a kick in the gut every option of a life with him was met by roadblocks but I see my life with you dancing in the fog on the edge of my vision committing to him felt like giving my life away but you thinking of being with you, of all the things we could do together you and I have the chance to be so beautiful it’s in the way I watch you tell stories it’s how you act a fool to make me smile it’s the nights I spend as the big spoon, holding you together like I have no other purpose it’s in every way you find to tell me that you love me I think of being with you a year from now and I don’t feel sick I didn’t have a home for years but you’ve made roots inside me and suddenly I don’t feel so alone I miss you every second that you’re away from me but your home in my heart keeps me warm when you are not able to i love the nights that you sleep like a rock and I cannot even in your sleep you struggle to find peace but those moments you do god you’re so beautiful I know you hate the tummy you’ve gotten, how you’re just slightly shakier than you once were, those moments your mind just can’t connect I hope you know there’s nothing in this world that can cover your beauty nothing you’ve done, nothing you will do, will ever change how fucking beautiful you are to me I’m all over the place, there are so many things I want to tell you even when I was chasing you part of me was still running away we’ve always been good at running away from each other I’m terrified that at any moment you’re going to run away from me again when you beg me not to leave I’m sure we’ve traded bodies because I’ve imagined saying those words to you so many times before I know how fragile you are - you’re fine china that’s been tossed around and shattered and carelessly taped back together by those who had no business touching you but when you look at me i don’t see your brokenness when you touch me I don’t feel your jagged edges all I see is a beautiful boy who feels more for me than he’s sure what to do with I know that my hands are not the strongest, not the steadiest but even if I lose hold of everything I have, I will always hold the pieces of you together that I can you’ve spent so long pushing everyone away, clutching what you have left of yourself so tightly that you hurt yourself with your own sharp edges but if you let me, I’ll take those edges and soften them I’ll file them down so gently you won’t know it until one day you can hold onto yourself without bleeding I know that no human being has the ability to make another whole but I find you filling holes that I didn’t know were in me days that would seem unmanageable before I can suddenly conquer because I know at the end of the day I get to see you coming home to your smiling face is like unwrapping a present every time I open the door I never thought I could find this comfort in someone else because I could never find it in myself they’ve told me my whole life nobody could love me until I learned to love me first but if it isn’t love I see every time you look at me then I’m clearly mistaken on the meaning I know that 75% of the time I’m an absolutely miserable human being I know I get mad at you a lot for no reason with no right but I’m absolutely blown away because you still want me I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing you tell me that I am yours but more than that I love it when you tell me that you are mine if I could, I would tell everyone about us most of all, I wish I could tell everyone about you I know you don’t think that you are much I know that part of you believes people when they tell you that you are worthless and never going to get anywhere I don’t think that you realize just how far you have come already don’t be mistaken, there is still a huge uphill battle you have left to fight but goddammit I know you can do it and I will be standing behind you, every step of the way, ready to offer whatever helping hand you’ll allow me to there are still things we need to talk about, subjects that have been lightly touched in the past that still weigh on my mind everyday I’m scared of my time with you running out before we get a real chance I want so desperately to be able to build something great with you and wallow in it but even if we don’t get that chance, I will never regret a single thing with you even if I do not get you for the years that I would like, there is so much of you in me now that I don’t feel like we can ever truly part you embedded yourself inside of me without my permission but goddammit I’m glad you did you take care of me so much more than you realize, so much more than you are given credit for I’m sorry if I do not tell you that enough I’m sorry that I often get so caught up in myself I am unable to take care of you, too but I hope you know that at any time I will snap out of it and be there for you, just say the words when I feel like I’ve lost all other touch with reality, you’re the anchor keeping my feet on the ground when I feel like I have nothing, I look to you and see that I clearly have everything with you, I feel like I hold the world in my hands with you, I see no roadblocks all I see are the endless roads and possibilities I am no longer afraid to experience with you by my side you have given this life meaning for me, and for that I will forever owe you.
