knowing yourself.
this past semester, something that i felt i was really struggling with was exactly this. I felt like i really did not know myself. and to be honest, i still feel that same way hahaha. i haven’t exactly been “fighting” (what does this really mean even) to understand myself better. in a sense, there was a period of time i was determined to, only to find myself frustrated in a way that i felt like i couldn’t understand the deeper reasonings behind my emotions and the reasons why i felt or thought certain things. i think this is still important. i have to try again. and i have to will myself to continue to dig deeper.
recently i’ve been listening to a podcast called “perfectly imperfect.” i’ve been in loveee and i am continuing to still listen to them. they’re not a Christian podcast but share honestly as women about various topics: friendships, family, emotions, post-grad struggles, etc. i was amazed at one of the women share about her emotions. she seemed to know herself very well and in tune with her feelings, and where they stemmed from. she was just really honest. not just to others, but to herself as well. which is something i really struggle with. just being honest with where i’m at. what i’m feeling. why. the reasons behind the act.
it struck me that in my thinking, i had thought because i did not know Christ better, that that was the reason why i didn’t understand myself better. i questioned this thinking and began to converse with Him about this topic. it struck me again that many non-believers also knew themselves very well, even more than many Christians may feel that they may understand themselves. they know their personality traits, their tendencies, habits, mental state, emotional state, the reasons behind their state, strengths and weaknesses, and the list can go on and on.
i questioned how was this so? how was it possible that i’ve heard this saying so many times of “when we draw closer to Christ we actually understand ourselves better too,” and yet had felt so far away from that?
it hit me that many in this world could know about themselves. who they are in this world in relation to their own beliefs or from the beliefs set by this world. yet, those in Christ are set apart in that we really do understand ourselves better when we draw closer to Christ. why? it’s because we begin to really see our hearts. we begin to see the hidden sin within, whereas before it was concealed. we begin to see our relation to a holy God. we begin to see our actual selves: our absolute desperate need for a Savior, our need for a holy God in each moment.
those in Christ actually find themselves the moment they know Him as their Savior. and this, exactly, was what it meant to “know yourself.”
for me to understand myself better, yes, understand the thinkings, the wrong thinkings, and converse with Him, dig deeper. i think all of those things are good, important, and are quite impactful in today’s culture and society where people’s opinion and voice are becoming increasingly magnified. yet, also understanding myself better, isn’t first those things; those come secondary. the first thing is to truly understand my primary identity: a child of God. A desperate sinner. Sin flames within me. Understanding myself in relation to what matters: Christ, this means seeing greater light shed in the darkness of my heart and going to the only source that can handle it - God, himself. the former come along the way.
this is often painful and many times i want to sweep it under the rug. i know this is my tendency and i want to confront it more, not just by understanding myself better, which is good, but to go to Him who understands my complete being. this takes time. and that’s okay because He is patient with me.
after this conversation, i felt a burden lifted off of my chest that i didn’t realize i even had. it turned from “i need to understand myself better” into “i need to know Christ more.” i saw how much my wrong thinkings affect how i live my life and the lens i viewed life in. in a sense, me understanding my emotions better must be rooted in a deeper relation to the inner workings of my heart: my sin and what i really want for myself, more than for others or for Christ.
going to Christ in my sin has been hard and painful. i didn’t want to leave that part out...reading through this makes it sound like i just had this kind of epiphany and that this is easy. the reality is that it’s been really hard recently and it’s revealed a lot. trusting in Him to heal and change my heart has felt like watching a snail move 2mm in an hour. i pray to trust Him with my heart and my life when i see myself as a potato sack unsalvageable and worthless.
He is my potter. I am His clay. He will mold me as He likes and has promised through Christ that it shall be beautiful in His sight. More than what I can even think or imagine. I can’t look forward to me. But I look forward to Him.