#servingyear1

[melonjamkiwi]

it’s not about me.

[melonjamkiwi]

so weary

so many times wanna runnnnnnnnnnn

far awayyyyyy

but what would that dooooooooo

nothinggggggggg

feel like I’m trapped inside myself

[melonjamkiwi]

being reminded that when I feel the most lonely is when God wants me to be alone with Him.

[melonjamkiwi]

l o c k - i n

last night, we had our winter lock-in! the last one of the DECADE (!!!)

by the grace of God, he strengthened me to be awake yesterday in prayer hahaha. 

to be honest...it’s easy for me (dangerously) to leave extended moments of prayer and walk away...almost...1.) unchanged, 2.) forgetful, and 3.) unaware and practically deaf to what God was speaking to me or doing in that time. 

because of that, i felt it a good idea to reflect a bit on how the night was for me and what God was putting on my heart to be in prayer for.

1. praying over this past semester...it was painful in sharing with God how I honestly felt about this semester. It was hard and revealing of the state of my hard heart. I apologized...for how I was in my role as a servant, as a worker, as a friend, as a daughter, as a girlfriend. In many ways, I saw that I had failed immensely in different roles that God had called me to be in. I asked God that He would change my heart as I enter into this upcoming year. Because He and I, both, know that only He can do such a perilous work (lol. my heart is wildly stubborn). Yet, in this heaviness, I felt extreme thankfulness because through it all, He never lifted His hand off of me. I thanked Him for His faithfulness and for His leading me to more of Him, in a time and place where I thought that I could only get further away. Despite my bitterness and my hard heart this year, He never gives up on me, and He promises that He will never leave. I felt undeserving and grateful.

2. along with praying over the semester, I prayed briefly and generally about the certain places that God had called me (small group, relationships, family, work). 

3. thanksgiving and just crying out for God to use me for His glory. I’ve recently read a book about immigrant and refugee families. Along with that, I also finished a series on Netflix on the same topic. It actually was super heartbreaking and eye-opening to the very real pain, suffering, and darkness that is occurring all over the world. today. right here. this moment. it was overwhelming to me that while I was living my life...stressed about my future, staying in bed in discouragement, struggling with indecisiveness in my life, etc, there were people all over the world, even people in my own community, who had little to nothing in their name. their struggles were if they would have enough food, if they’d be able to stay in a safe place, if they could just live another day without worrying if their mom or dad was still alive or not. i didn’t want to quench what God had given me. I didn’t want to feel guilty about it, either. But what I prayed and asked was that with what God had given me, that I would use it for Him and somehow be a light in this world that has no hope (none) without Christ. 

this is a general overview hahah i guess of the few hours we had. it did feel a bit shorter this year. i was thankful that i had a God who wanted to speak with me and to hear what was on my heart. I was thankful that I had a God who I could share with even in the midst of my overwhelming and cluttered thoughts. i didn’t know where to start. and i was thankful that He was there to be patient and listening through it all. 

i’m seeing more how imperfect i am. but it’s incredible how my perfect Father never lets me go. to be honest, as i type this i’m not like ecstatic or like feeling all sentimental and warm-hearted. still been wrestling with a lot of different thoughts and feelings. but i type that because that’s the truth. and that’s it.

[melonjamkiwi]

knowing yourself.

this past semester, something that i felt i was really struggling with was exactly this. I felt like i really did not know myself. and to be honest, i still feel that same way hahaha. i haven’t exactly been “fighting” (what does this really mean even) to understand myself better. in a sense, there was a period of time i was determined to, only to find myself frustrated in a way that i felt like i couldn’t understand the deeper reasonings behind my emotions and the reasons why i felt or thought certain things. i think this is still important. i have to try again. and i have to will myself to continue to dig deeper.

recently i’ve been listening to a podcast called “perfectly imperfect.” i’ve been in loveee and i am continuing to still listen to them. they’re not a Christian podcast but share honestly as women about various topics: friendships, family, emotions, post-grad struggles, etc. i was amazed at one of the women share about her emotions. she seemed to know herself very well and in tune with her feelings, and where they stemmed from. she was just really honest. not just to others, but to herself as well. which is something i really struggle with. just being honest with where i’m at. what i’m feeling. why. the reasons behind the act. 

it struck me that in my thinking, i had thought because i did not know Christ better, that that was the reason why i didn’t understand myself better. i questioned this thinking and began to converse with Him about this topic. it struck me again that many non-believers also knew themselves very well, even more than many Christians may feel that they may understand themselves. they know their personality traits, their tendencies, habits, mental state, emotional state, the reasons behind their state, strengths and weaknesses, and the list can go on and on. 

i questioned how was this so? how was it possible that i’ve heard this saying so many times of “when we draw closer to Christ we actually understand ourselves better too,” and yet had felt so far away from that?

it hit me that many in this world could know about themselves. who they are in this world in relation to their own beliefs or from the beliefs set by this world. yet, those in Christ are set apart in that we really do understand ourselves better when we draw closer to Christ. why? it’s because we begin to really see our hearts. we begin to see the hidden sin within, whereas before it was concealed. we begin to see our relation to a holy God. we begin to see our actual selves: our absolute desperate need for a Savior, our need for a holy God in each moment. 

those in Christ actually find themselves the moment they know Him as their Savior. and this, exactly, was what it meant to “know yourself.”

for me to understand myself better, yes, understand the thinkings, the wrong thinkings, and converse with Him, dig deeper. i think all of those things are good, important, and are quite impactful in today’s culture and society where people’s opinion and voice are becoming increasingly magnified. yet, also understanding myself better, isn’t first those things; those come secondary. the first thing is to truly understand my primary identity: a child of God. A desperate sinner. Sin flames within me. Understanding myself in relation to what matters: Christ, this means seeing greater light shed in the darkness of my heart and going to the only source that can handle it - God, himself. the former come along the way.

this is often painful and many times i want to sweep it under the rug. i know this is my tendency and i want to confront it more, not just by understanding myself better, which is good, but to go to Him who understands my complete being. this takes time. and that’s okay because He is patient with me.

after this conversation, i felt a burden lifted off of my chest that i didn’t realize i even had. it turned from “i need to understand myself better” into “i need to know Christ more.” i saw how much my wrong thinkings affect how i live my life and the lens i viewed life in. in a sense, me understanding my emotions better must be rooted in a deeper relation to the inner workings of my heart: my sin and what i really want for myself, more than for others or for Christ.

going to Christ in my sin has been hard and painful. i didn’t want to leave that part out...reading through this makes it sound like i just had this kind of epiphany and that this is easy. the reality is that it’s been really hard recently and it’s revealed a lot. trusting in Him to heal and change my heart has felt like watching a snail move 2mm in an hour. i pray to trust Him with my heart and my life when i see myself as a potato sack unsalvageable and worthless. 

He is my potter. I am His clay. He will mold me as He likes and has promised through Christ that it shall be beautiful in His sight. More than what I can even think or imagine. I can’t look forward to me. But I look forward to Him.

[melonjamkiwi]

at diso...just currently contemplating life. kind of. that sounds dramatic and intense but it’s not at all.

right now...life has been good. life has been good because i am thankful. and that’s really it. i’m thankful for my job. i’m thankful for my students even though they literally make me go livid inside some days. i’m thankful for my pairing that they are still here for me even though i feel like a failure most days. i’m thankful for my small group, their bubbliness. they have challenged me and shared with me what i needed to hear in my life. i’m thankful for sisters in Christ. in moments like these, i ask, God, i’m trying to serve you, in my weakness, in my dumbness, i try to serve you. 

but all You do is that You keep serving me. You keep going. And it’s not stopping. I don’t deserve this. I don’t even deserve anything that I have, yet you have given it to me. 

thank You that I can be thankful because of You.

[melonjamkiwi]

relationships cont.

after reading about my relationship post

seriously read it again and could hear God saying

Michelle, that is YOU. 

You’re hard to love. You’re hard to be with. You’re traumatizing.

LOLL

But you’re loved.

And I’m working in you.

So choose to love. 

LORD.

[melonjamkiwi]

wow...just been feeling very blessed, challenged, and rebuked by our small group this year. feeling like i’m the one getting served here. been extremely blessing. at the same time i’m like dang...i wanna serve them!! HAHA. 

been feeling extremely exhausted for the past 2 weeks. today especially felt extremely...discouraged? I don’t know the right word...just dejected? felt like my heart had grown so bitter, jaded...felt like i could just drop everything in that moment from the way that i felt.

tonight He reminded me of how much i have lacked in my personal time with the Him. it really does begin to skew my perspective and cloud my thoughts when God’s Word isn’t being fed into my heart. 

after Bible study tonight, forreals had to thank God...but also just repent...man my heart in a second can become so bitter and hard and jaded, so ungrateful, so bitter. it was scary and heavy. 

thank you Lord.

thank you for working.

thank you for your grace that is absolutely undeserving. every single moment.

thank you that you’ve allowed me to receive that grace tonight.

very thankful for the time in the Word tonight.

want to commit to meeting with Jesus in His Word.