How strange does it feel when people say they admire how strong you are? It perplexes me every time! You know where my “strength” comes from? Basically, ignoring the fact that my life is crumbling down around me. That doesn’t seem really all that realistic to some, but it is a very simple thing to do when the world keeps spinning regardless of what is happening to you. Your job still expects you to show up, your bill collectors still expect to be paid, people keep being born or keep dying. No matter what, the world is unaffected so why should you be?
To me strength is a lot like beauty; it is in the eye of the beholder. Some see me as a woman who is strong for forgiving my philanderer husband and moving forward, but to me I see it as weakness. Others would praise me if I had the courage and strength to move forward alone and I would agree with them. The unknown, the outside of your comfort zone, the leap of faith; that is being strong. Trying to ignore what is happening, that’s the easy route. Of course, it isn’t real ignoring. I mean his “side piece” is now my new emotional and mental side-kick. For example, as he and I were on a weekend away, walking down the street and holding hands, I envisioned her holding his hand on the other side. The visual almost brought me to my knees. Instead of focusing on it, I shoved it down and commented on the weather, or the length of the walk, or pointed out something to look at.
Acting normal on the outside but living in my own head, depriving my thoughts from the light of day, that isn’t strength to me. I see strength in my best friend, raising two children and constantly at odds with her manipulative ex-husband. I see strength in my sister who has battled with debilitating health issues since she was a teenager but doesn’t allow it to define her life. I find strength in my mother who left everything in the world she knew just to be with the man she loved. I see strength in my mother-in-law who adopted two little girls from physically abusive and substance abusive parents. I find strength in my life-long sister-friend for traveling the world.
I am surrounded by strength. I am surrounded by emotionally strong and resilient women that somehow see strength in me. So maybe no matter how weak we feel, we must continue to move forward and fight and do what we think is best because you never know who you are giving strength to by just being you.
