#dore programme

[dyspraxicpinkie-blog]

Hello everyone!

Wow, okay

So, this weekend, I went to a con, as you guys may remember...it was one of the most amazing weekends ever. I got to meet one of my voice actor idols and spend a lot of time with old friends and I made some new friends and it was just awesome. I had my own room, and it was REALLY nice being able to retreat there when I needed food or to deflate, and at night, I put on bad TV and just got to reflect on my day and eat.

I love going to cons because I feel really supported and loved (not that I'm not supported and loved in real life, but I can really FEEL it at a con), and I get to spend time with friends that I don't get to see that often. I cried when I was leaving the con on Sunday because it just...felt like I was leaving family.

Anyway...I took my exercises with me but I forgot to do them the second day. I was so wrapped up in everything and I was so tired I just...didn't. Having my own room helped for that too, I don't know what I'm gonna do when I share a room with two other people at A-Kon.

So, today I had a wobble board exercise...I went to class like normal this morning, but I was SO exhausted from this weekend, I just wasn't feeling very good. So when it came time to do DORE after my classes and I had to get on the wobble board...lemme tell you, it'd been a while since an exercise made me cry.

When I'm on the board, especially with this exercise since I have things I have to do with my eyes as well as balance, it's SO difficult. I keep being told to use my core muscles, not just by Sara when she helps me with DORE stuff, but by my voice teacher and my combat teachers...

But when I'm on the board, in order to balance correctly, I have to literally tense up my body from my shoulders down to the soles of my feet. Plus I have to try to do the eyes correctly, and breathe, and because of my short tendons, my legs feel like they're on fire from my knees down. And because I have to do this exercise in front of a window that I can see out of, when there are people outside I always get self-conscious about them watching me.

So, yeah, it's stressful.

I made myself push through it, but it was hell.

I have to do it again tomorrow, too...I hate it so much.

Next time I post I'll post my graphs so you guys can see them, it's pretty cool. I'd do it right now, but I'm tired and I need to go to bed.

Thanks again for listening to me ramble, you guys. <3

[dyspraxicpinkie-blog]

1/24/12

Hey all.

So today was interesting.

Last night, I went to my mom's house for dinner and hanging out...and we went driving around looking for ideas for what to pick up to eat. And we were driving with the windows down and I got ATTACKED by allergies. I was MISERABLE, I felt so sick and so awful. So we ate and she took me home and I went to bed. I set an alarm and took a pill at midnight, and slept kind of fitfully, waking up a lot.

I have class at 8am on Tuesdays and Thursdays...when my alarm went off, I got up and tried to evaluate how I felt. I was still stuffy and really weak and wobbly, and my leg hurt so bad and it was so scary, it almost buckled under me twice just getting up. So I decided to just roll my shoulders back, I need to go to school, let's just see, so I got into the shower. When it almost gave out in the shower, I went, no, this isn't happening, I'm scared of just walking to school.

So I got back in my pjs and emailed my teachers and went back to sleep. :(

I felt really bad. But it was just...I was scared of the walk to school and of the physical crap I knew I'd have to go through.

So I slept and played some video games and then got dressed and went out to get food with mom...then I spent the rest of the afternoon playing games and doing my reading for school.

Ugh.

DORE was hard today. I'm supposed to have been running in circles yesterday and today and I just can't cause of my leg. I tried it tonight and almost fell, plus my other hip started hurting. Then I have to do tiptoes and heels on a cushion, and that just makes me SO anxious, for some reason. BLAH.

I go to the center again tomorrow for another check-in. So that should be fun. I'm a little nervous, but I know it'll be okay. It's just...exhausting.

Anyway.

<3

[dyspraxicpinkie-blog]

Blah.

Hello everyone...

I'm so...SO sorry for slacking on this blog.

Everything just kind of piled up since I started classes, and there was a long weekend and blah blah blah excuses excuses...

DORE has been rough lately. Had a few anxiety attacks during some sessions the past few days. I really pulled some muscles and hurt myself during stage combat class on Tuesday, so I'm in a lot of pain and it makes it hard to do exercises, like the stupid running in circles one. I try, but sometimes it just gets way too painful.

I'm going to get back into the swing of updating every night, I promise.

[dyspraxicpinkie-blog]

...What a freaking day.

I had a really weird day today...

I woke up feeling kind of off. I knew I had an audition at 6 and a long class starting at 1, so I brought all my audition clothes with me to my morning class and my long class. I ended up not needing them...I got to go home in between both.

I just felt kind of off all day, my brain wasn't quite working right, and I was trying to get through. I've always dreaded this long class, I've had it every year at this school, every semester. However, today, after the initial syllabus meeting at the start of class, we were broken up into teams to work in the theater. I went to my usual station, the costume shop, only to get turned away because there were too many people there already...which is where the trouble started.

On my way back to the theater I started to panic.  I could feel it. So I stopped and pulled myself together, did some deep breathing, and got through it. Or so I thought. After I worked for a little while in the theater, maybe about 20 minutes, I started panicking again. I hated being around people and didn't want to talk and I didn't like how people were talking to me and looking at me...and so I went and hid in the bathroom for about 15 minutes. When I came out, I felt sick. I tried to work again, but I could feel myself start panicking again, so I went back to the bathroom...but somebody came in and I felt odd, so I went and sat in the stairwell.

This is what I wrote on my other, personal blog-

"One of the teachers ended up finding me in the hall on my phone. I told him I felt sick and was just trying to calm myself down, and he told me to at least tell one of the other teachers and then sit in the theater. (He also fussed at me for being on my phone during class. I was in the wrong, but it was part of what set me off.)

As soon as he left I started crying. I had to run back to the bathroom to pull myself together. Once I stopped crying I went back in and told a teacher I’m not intimidated by that I felt sick and she gave me permission to go sit down.

So I sat in the house for an hour until we were released.

One of the other teachers came up to me before I left and asked if I was ok and what happened…I told him I had an anxiety attack and just felt sick. He asked if that is something that happens a lot, I said yes. He asked if the teachers could do anything for me, I said no, and he said “Just leave you the hell alone?” Which kind of made me smile. He said I could go and now I’m waiting outside in the cold for my mom.

Nothing like this has ever happened before. There was just so much…wrong energy around me. I felt so…so awful.

And I still have an audition to do.

I hate everything."

As I was sitting there shaking all over, I tried evaluating how I felt. Normally when I break down like this I just want a hug and somebody to talk to. This time I didn't want anybody to touch me and I didn't want to hear the sound of my own voice. It was disconcerting and awful.

So I went home and took a very hot shower, then got into my pretty clothes and went to my audition. I was just kind of trying to be quiet, inside and out. And I ended up totally ROCKING my audition. This is for a play that I reeeally like, and I think I could fit the lead role easily. And I got to read for the lead role exclusively, in three scenes. It was awesome.

Then my mom came to pick me up and as I was going to get dinner with her, I got a call and I have a job interview tomorrow after class.

It's like...everything just comes piling on top of me at once. I have another audition tomorrow night, then possible callbacks the night after.

*sigh*

Because of everything that happened today, we ended up not doing DORE today. I feel really bad about it, but I feel like I would have completely fallen apart if we had even tried.

So I guess I'm going to try and sleep and I'll try to put myself back together tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

<3

[dyspraxicpinkie-blog]

Gwarwr, I'm bad at this.

Hi guys. I'm so sorry for not updating yesterday, and this update isn't gonna be very good either.

I started school today.

I only have one class on Mondays and Fridays, and on the rest of the days I have two.

It's going to be a...very interesting semester. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

I audition for a show called Goodnight Desdemona, Good Morning Juliet on Wednesday, and on Thursday I audition for Theatrefest/MavPlays, which is the festival that the show I wrote is a part of. I won't be cast in my own show, but my friend is directing a show that he wants me in, so, that's something.

I have British Lit, Stage Makeup, Stage Combat (eee), and a conference course in Playwriting. I'm a little nervous about combat and playwriting, for different reasons. Playwriting is something I've done before but this is gonna be new, it's all on my own pace and I go meet with the teacher every so often to check on my progress. I'm planning on buckling down and writing something...kind of different. So.

In terms of combat, it all has to do with dyspraxia and my physical limitations. I'm going to talk to my teacher and try to be okay with it, but I'm scared I'll have to drop it.

Ugh.

In other news, I recorded a video for you today talking about the wobble board, but I didn't get it uploaded. I'll do it tomorrow, I promise. It's very derpy and I don't look very attractive, but eh. Oh well.

Ok, combat is at 8am, so I have to go to bed.

<3

[dyspraxicpinkie-blog]

1/12/12

Whew.

Today was weird.

I had really vivid dreams last night and was kind of stressed out when I got up. Mom and I were supposed to run errands today, so I had to get up and fill out an application and get things straightened out. We had planned to do DORE before we left, but I was really emotional and so we decided to wait for later.

So we ran errands and had lunch and while some things didn't happen the way they were supposed to, we got some stuff done, and it was productive.

When I got back to my apartment, all of the emotional crap from the day just came welling up and I got extremely sad and upset and just...felt awful. I couldn't even nap.

So I got up and cleaned my apartment.

It didn't really help. So mom came over and we did one session of DORE, then I ordered a pizza for myself and skyped with my best friend while I waited...then I ate pizza and watched anime, and I felt miles better. Mom came over four hours later to do the second session, and now here I am.

Uhm.

I had two brand-new new exercises today, one using a new piece of equipment!

One was rolling the ball facing front, then either side...it was pretty easy, though something strange happened during the second session. I started getting REALLY IRRATIONALLY ANGRY at my mom for touching the ball. I know she was just guiding it back toward me. But I just couldn't stand her touching it for some reason. It was so weird and I got SO angry.

Another thing that I haven't mentioned is that I have to wear gloves when I roll the ball. Sometimes I just pull socks on, sometimes I actually put on gloves. It's because the ball picks up dirt and dust from the floor and when it gets on my hands it makes me so uncomfortable, it's a texture thing. I hate it. So I just wear gloves.

The second exercise was on the wobble board, and it was SO HARD. I had to balance on the board while looking at a card on a window, then a point outside the window, then in another half of the exercise I had to roll my yes clockwise and then counterclockwise while doing the same thing as before. Balancing on the wobble board. I'll make a video of the wobble board next time to show you how hard it is.

So...that was my day.

It took a while for me to get tired tonight because of all the emotional stuff...but now I'm there. So I'm going to bed.

Tomorrow is my last day before school starts up again.

:(

[dyspraxicpinkie-blog]

1/11/12

Hey-lo.

So...today was okay. I had stupid saccades again and a new exercise. Saccades went alright, I just continually get panicky and upset every time I sit down to do them.

The new exercise was kind of fun, I sit across from my mom and she has a dishtowel (they call it a duster on the site) and she throws it at me for a minute. I have to snatch it out of the air as fast as possible using my right hand, then my left, then my right, then my left again. It's silly and easy, so it's kind of a welcome change from the saccades.

In terms of life, I'm applying for a job at a movie theater tomorrow, so hopefully something comes of that.

School starts back up for me on Monday. I have an English class and a playwriting class, plus a couple new theater classes and the usual four-hour practicum. This is my last semester at this school...I'm relieved about that, but I'm also starting to stress about classes. I'm not ready to go back and deal with this stressful shit again.

Oh well. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes.

I'm really tired, so I'm cutting this short and going to bed. Night.

<3

[dyspraxicpinkie-blog]

1/10/12

Today was better. :)

I had ball rolling and watching the card today, and even though I didn't do my first session until, like, 6:00pm, it wasn't bad. It was so late because I stayed at my apartment and my mom and I were just doing stuff...we got together for dinner and a movie and we took care of it easily.

It wasn't hard like yesterday, but that's because both exercises are fairly easy for me, even with mental tasks.

Tomorrow I have to do saccades with mental tasks (dammit), and a new exercise involving throwing a dishrag back and forth with my mom.

So...yeah. I'm so tired, so I'm going to sleep.

<3