── GRUMPY MATT X MUTE READER ⋆˚࿔
BLURB: "idontwannabeyouanymore" - dotty sees another girl in matts bed part two !! (part one here)
WARNINGS: self hate, dysmorphia, crying and arguing :<
this is part of my billie eilish writing marathon [here]
wc: 1k
AU MASTERLIST // NAV // ALL AUS
Her reflection weighed on her much heavier.
At first dotty didnt understand it, why did he need those random girls at all? She couldnt help but compare now, every inch of her had been opposite. Too much of her in places where that girl had less, and less of herself in places that girl had more.
Her hair didnt curl the same, it didnt look effortless and angelic, she needed to be different. It was like she was wrong - she wasnt what she was supposed to be. She wanted to be perfect for him, she wanted him to see her as perfect. Matt could never look at her that way - hed never chosen her to begin with, she had just been there. Right times and right moments - until that night.
His false persona of being there for only dotty had been uncovered. It wasnt a secret, but he had hidden it. It was as if he didnt want that side of him to exist, yet he would always enact it. He made that choice over and over just to blame his humiliation on the fact she had witnessed it.
Maybe he didnt owe her anything. They were never together, matt would never go as far to limit himself by giving them a label.
What was it about her that he didnt want to touch? That he couldnt love? What did those other girls have?
He made her into a fool, discarded her when shed seen him in fully exposed light. He acted like he cared, blocking dotty from anyone else romantically as if it mattered, as if he was waiting for the courage to fill that gap. He never did. Other girls were there that he wanted, he didnt value dotty the same.
But who could blame him right? The girl staring back at her had always been useless, shed never been enough. Shed never be what he wanted. She just wanted to be someone else.
He didnt call. He wanted it to fix itself.
He wrapped his head around that night for days on end, but when she didnt even come to class for a whole week, matt realised he had no choice.
“Bonnie. Let me just talk to her.”
“Why should i?”’
He took a breath that didnt sound remotely steady, looking down to his feet while yet again he refused to admit the truth of the situation.
“Please.” he whispered lowley, begging much more than it sounded like he was doing. “You know i dont say please easy.”
Eventually she relaxed, sighing and turned before muttering something about asking dotty if she actually wanted to see him. He didnt take a second to properly listen, with bonnie’s guard down he stormed past her and headed towards her bedroom.
The knocking on her door was rapid, snapping dotty out of her dissociation and coaxing her out of the curled up ball shed put herself into for protection. Bonnie had tried to chase after matt to stop him, but it was far too late by then.
“Dotty!” he continued banging the door as if she wouldnt have heard it already. “Please let me in, i know im the worst person right now.”
She crawled off her bed, finally placing her ear against the door once the knocking had ceased.
Matt had to swallow down his pride, the cost of not doing so had grown too heavy. He placed his forehead against the door and took a deep breath.
“Im sorry.”
Bonnie tried to tug at his sleeve, “you should go matt.” she muttered quietly.
“No- no. dotty, just listen okay? Those girls, they dont mean anything. You mean something, thats why im here. I hate apologising, you know that - Its because im an asshole, if i started apologising to people i couldnt stop because im just a fuck up. I treat people like shit, i treated you like shit.”
His breathing got more ragged, ears listening intently for any indication she was even on the other side of the door. He looked towards bonnie, who raised her eyes in expectance for him to continue, arms folded and leaning against the wall.
The door slowly creaked open, wet lines from tears messily running down her face. She had her comfy clothes on, baggy enough that she wasnt as able to see herself, she couldnt bare the sight.
She stayed stood in the gap of the open door, holding onto the handle in case she changed her mind and needed an out from the conversation. She only signed the one thing.
‘why?’
He thought he had already been swallowed whole by the guilt. But it barely had in comparison, now he finally felt fully engulfed at the sight of her.
“I had them,” he hesitated from overwhelm. “I had them because i cant have you. Because i want you, but i dont deserve you. And i know thats a shit excuse but its all i have.”
She scanned her eyes back and forth between his, sniffling a little as more tears fell. Matt shuffled a little closer and reached his hand to wipe them as they fell, cupping her face and staring at her.
“You dont have to forgive me, you dont owe me anything.”
She thought for a second, swallowing a sob as she pushed at his chest gently, matt removed his hand from her face to delicately hold her wrist as she forced him away.
“Dotty-”
She continued her movements, a loud cry escaping her when he was finally out of the doorway enough for her to shut the door on him. Matt had given her the option, but he never wanted her to take it. He knew he didnt deserve any different.
She hurriedly sat down on the floor and against the door, she cradled her knees close to her chest. She let out every noise, tears flowing for every thought that questioned her self worth. It wasnt him anymore, it was her. She didnt feel like she was good enough. She wouldnt let him burden himself with her.
a/n was this worth the wait 💔
part three HERE ->