Guest 1337 stared up at the glowing LED sign. He sighed, hesitating in front of the door. This was a new personal low. Was he this desperate? In fact, he was. Ever since his wife and daughter had left him for a king with an ice castle, his life had been full of misery and despair. The loneliness he felt when he returned to an empty house was getting unbearable. This was his last resort. With a deep inhale, he pushed the glass-paned doors of the building open.
“Welcome to the Urbanshade Dating Agency, where we help you fish for a wish,” The receptionist barely glanced at him, too occupied with playing a game of sudoku on his computer. “My name is Sebastian Solace, I will be your matchmaker for today,” He had a dozen cigars lit, balancing them between his three arms and enormous maw. “What can I help you with?”
Guest 1337 grimaced in annoyance.
“What do you think I need help with?” He saw the oversized cod's tail slither as he clicked on his mouse, still yet to look up from his screen.
“Well, you obviously need help with that attitude of yours,” Sebastian grunted, before adding, “and with getting hoes,”
“I'm bi,”
“A bi on standby, I see,”
They went back and forth, until Sebastian whipped up to his full height and promptly smashed his setup with his clawed hands. “OH FUCK, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME,” He bellowed, throwing the chunk of metal that was once a computer across the wall.
“Looks like someone lost a game,” Guest 1337 pointed out in the most remarkably aggravating sing-song voice.
“IT'S YOUR FAULT!” Sebastian growled, huffing like he had a roll of Marijuana in front of his slim, voldemort nostrils.
“That's it,” He pulled out another computer from under his desk, and began typing as if he was haunted by the ghost of Alexander Hamilton. “You're going on a date,” He pushed “enter”, and a receipt started printing out of the fish's jaw.
Sebastian smacked the piece of paper down onto Guest 1337’s face with such force he might as well have murdered the soldier with nature's greatest plastic surgery result. Guest 1337 plucked it out of his features to actually make out what was on it.
“Builder Bro's Pizza,” He read out loud. “I'm going on a date with a fast food chain?”
“GET OUT!”
Guest 1337 was forced out of the agency by a stampede of sea bunnies that had crawled into view from the walls and shadows. He could never look at those creatures again with the same kind of cuteness aggression most people– except maybe those who had been starving for a subsequent time, in which they would look at the underwater creatures with the intention of consuming them– would.
At least he had a date now.
Time flew by like the grenades he'd avoided in the war. It was Valentine's day evening, and he was standing in front of the pizzeria with a bouquet of roses in his hands. He awkwardly stood at the building's entrance, at a loss for what he should do. He should've thought this through before he was here. He didn't know if he should go inside to grab a slice, but that seemed inappropriate for a first date. Maybe he should get down on his knees and propose.
While Guest 1337 was busy weighing his options, he saw the sky darken and a shadow cast over him. He heard the growling of a beast. He whirled around, and was met face-to-face with a hairy, drooling monster. Guest 1337 was less than an inch away from punching the daylights out of their dog-breath face, when he saw a familiar-looking receipt stuck on one of their horns. Its lettered print matched that of his own.
He gasped, “You're my date!”
The monster did nothing else but eye Guest 1337, but he didn't mind. He whisked them off their paws and strolled into the pizzeria as if he owned the place. Guest 1337 plopped his date down on one of the booths just in time for an employee to come take their order.
“What can I get you two loverbirds this evening?” Elliot asked with a pleasant smile.
“I'll take a dozen mashed potatoes, and–” Guest 1337 turned to his date, who sat in their seat, as unmoving and unblinking as a lump of coal. “and they'll take a pepperoni, please,”
“Wonderful choice, sir,” Elliot chirped, as he disappeared into the kitchen with their orders.
“I hope you don't mind that I ordered for you,” Guest 1337 started, as he fixed his military vest. He'd been advised by his fellow soldiers in the army that in order to show a good first impression and earn his date's trust, he had to show them his exact profession through attire.
His date didn't answer again, as expected, and just goggled him with their wide, blazing-red eyes. “Um, I'm Guest 1337,” He continued, desperately trying to keep the conversation going. It's been so long since he'd tried to flirt with anybody or rizz them up. Maybe he was starting to lose his manliness and charm. “What's your name?” For the first time since they'd met, his date moved, pointing one of their claws to the pinned number on their chest.
“666,” Guest 1337 noted, and was able to put his last few brain cells together to come up with a conclusion. “Guest 666,” He guessed, checking the other's reaction. They nodded, their tail bobbing up and down with it.
Guest 1337 giggled like a highschool girl whose favorite fanfiction had just updated on ao3. Despite their unsettling appearance, Guest 666 was growing on him like a tumor he didn't want removed.
The night went on; Guest 1337 chattering while Guest 666 nodded, growled, or howled. It was the best date Guest 1337 had gone to in a long time.
“So what do you do in your free time?” Guest 1337 asked, twirling his radiant sapphire hair with his strong fingers which made him look like Shrek was trying to disguise himself as a teenage girl and failing in the most majestic way. Guest 666 gulped, instantly running their giant claws through their fur to detangle the half a dozen human ribs from it.
“Don't tell me,” Beads of sweat trickled from Guest 666's face, and this time it wasn't because of their heavy winter coat. “You're an accountant!” Guest 666 nodded like their life depended on it. Guest 1337 chuckled, and went on to say something about a person he once knew in the army who'd left to become an accountant.
However, Guest 666 couldn't get themselves to focus on Guest 1337's words. His laughter rang inside their head like church bells, numbing their senses until the only thing they could recognize was Guest 1337. His gaze to them was warm and soft, and it was the first time in a long while someone had regarded them with such fondness. A blissful feeling bubbled inside Guest 666's stomach when they were with Guest 1337. They didn't want it to end.
“You're a good listener, Sixer,” Guest 1337 laughed out, putting one hand over Guest 666's clawed ones. How long had it been that someone was genuinely interested in what they had to say? He'd been caught up in his own mind for quite some time now. Chatting with Guest 666 like this felt like he was being pulled out of that self-destroying cycle. Guest 1337 found himself falling for the other harder the longer he was with them.
“Is something wrong?” Guest 1337 asked when he saw his date's expression darken and their tail sway rapidly. They grunted something in reply, and Guest 1337 understood almost immediately.
“You're hungry,” He translated, just now noticing that their food had never arrived. “Excuse me, where are our orders?” He inquired, gripping a passing Elliot by his apron. The employee glared at him with contempt.
“You don't get your meals,”
“Why not?”
“Look around!” Elliot shouted, flailing his arms around as if he were one of those inflatable Halloween lawn decorations.
Guest 1337 looked over the restaurant in confusion.
“There's no one here,” He concluded, a dumbfounded expression plastered on his face.
“Because your fucking date ate them all!” Elliot pointed an accusing finger at Guest 666, ace attorney style. “It's rude to make assumptions on people based on looks,” Guest 1337 retorted, crossing his arms across his chest like a baby refusing to eat his vegetables.
“They're de-boning a customer right now!” Elliot screamed, and wouldn't you know it, Guest 666 was in the midst of pulling a clean skeleton out of their mouth.
“That's homophobic,”
“Get out,”
Then Elliot proceeded to throw the two Guests out like they were footballs.
“Why did you do that?!” Guest 1337 yelled, standing on the asphalt of the restaurant's parking lot. It was raining cats and dogs and perhaps the end of a relationship.
“Why do you have to ruin everything?” The heavy rain made Guest 1337’s bright-blue hair stick to his forehead as if it were leaking with grease.
“”We” could've been a thing,” He sobbed, his tears concealed by the cloud's piss– which most would prefer to call “rain”-- streaming down his face. “I'm done, Sixer,” Guest 1337 managed out in a broken cry, as he turned his back to his ex-partner. “Goodbye,”
Guest 666 waited there as the sky poured its insides down on them. They waited in silence as Guest 1337 left, waited as he walked out of their sight, and waited some more after that. They would stand in this very parking lot like a statue in an American museum without a magic tablet ‘till their boyfriend returned, even if it meant that they wouldn't get to cannibalize any more pizza place customers.
A few days passed since Guest 1337 broke up with Guest 666. And despite all his efforts, he couldn’t bring himself to forget them. They were like an unskippable ad or unclickable internet popup– he couldn't make the thoughts of them go away. Even through the hours of difficult military training, Guest 1337 couldn't erase the image of Guest 666 from their head. Their toothy, unnerving smile, how their fur felt on his hands, how their eyes would follow him everywhere like a spy camera, and the way their tail shook like that of a puppy when they were content– it made his heart ache to think that he'd never see them again.
This night was like no other, as Guest 1337 tried to water his feelings down with an extraordinary amount of booze, pitying his own loneliness. Except, he couldn't handle it any longer.
He wiped the alcohol stains on his disheveled uniform with his hand, a new kind of fierce and fiery light shining in his eyes. He was going to get his freaky monster partner back.
Guest 1337 found Guest 666 perched on the corner of the same parking lot he'd left them in. An overwhelming wave of guilt crashed onto the shores that were his heart and mind as he cautiously approached the other.
“Sixer?” Guest 1337 called out, standing a few feet away from the hunched over ball of black fur and red error codes. He didn't recall there being that many error messages and blotches of red on them.
Guest 666’s head cracked ninety degrees at once to face their beloved. Guest 1337 let out a gasp at the state of his partner; their hair and fur was messier than ever, and the playfulness in their eyes had dimmed. They looked like they were in pain, from how their entire body flinched ever so often.
“I'm sorry,” Guest 1337 said, his voice a meek whisper as he took a step closer. “Will you forgive me?” He was starting to tear up. What if they didn't want him anymore? What if they hated him now?
A warm, furry paw pulled Guest 1337 into a tight embrace. He let his guard fall, and broke down crying like those fanfiction addicts on tumblr when ao3 is down. Maybe it was okay to not be so brave all the time. Maybe sometimes men need to be hugged by a seven foot monster.
Their reunion was cut short, however, when they suddenly poofed out of existence in a puff of red smoke like a certain gummy crocodile in an infamous circus. Guest 1337 stood there, his mouth agape. He couldn't believe his eyes. What'd just happened? Did the universe despise their relationship? Was the universe homophobic?
A flyer stuck to an old oak caught his attention, not because of its disgusting choice of fonts, but more so due to the person featured in it. It was Guest 666. The inscriptions above their photo read as it follows, “WANTED: GUEST 666. RESPONSIBLE FOR ABUSING ILLEGAL EXPLOITS TO EVADE GUEST BAN,” The poster carried the official Roblox logo at its bottom.
Guest 1337 crumpled the paper in his fists, earning him several dreadful paper cuts, but this was no time to cry over such insignificant matters. Rage flowed in his veins like the immense amount of alcohol he'd drank. If Roblox wanted his partner gone, they would have to go through him first.
Guest 1337 stood before the entrance to Roblox HQ, the wanted poster still clutched in his iron grip. He knew who’d issued the ban. He knew who he had to conquer.
Getting to his target was as easy as eating pie, unless one was placed in a situation devoid of pies and had no parent approved method to acquire said culinary delight. He punched everyone and anyone who dared stand in his way as if he were a boxer in rhythm heaven. He even went so low as to smack a child with such force the child would later grow to possess questionable tastes in pleasure.
He kicked open the final door. There was now only one thing left that stood between him and his love.
“Hey, son, you can't come in here,” Builderman spoke out when he noticed Guest 1337’s existence.
“Say cheese, motherfucker,” Guest 1337 spat, as he pointed a bloody wizard's staff with suspiciously blue-and-gold pumpkin guts at Builderman.
“I'm lactose intolerant–” His words died in his throat like the last of this writer's brain cells writing this haunting piece of fiction. Where Builderman had been sitting mere seconds ago, a single grey gubby now occupied his place.
“That's for banning my partner,” Guest 1337 snarled, a triumphant look on his face. The gubby squeaked in protest when Guest 1337 picked up the banhammer, but it had no way to stop what was to happen next.
“Hey, Build-” Shedletsky started, casually crashing through the office's windows like the freak he was. Guest 1337 froze in his place. He hadn’t expected the swordmaster to arrive. If anything, he'd researched that Shedletsky was usually dining a twelve-course meal composed purely out of chickens at this hour.
“Wait, you're not Builderman,” Shedletsky scanned his eyes over the sight of Guest 1337 wielding the almighty banhammer, when his eyes laid on the Builderman gubby. “OOH FREE LUNCH!” He exclaimed, his attention now completely overtaken by the trembling creature. Much to Guest 1337’s horror, the chicken man scarfed down the poor gubby, fur, bones and all.
“Thanks dude, appreciate it,” Shedletsky commented after burping up a hardhat. He pat Gueset 1337 on the shoulder, before leaving out the door.
Guest 1337 decided not to dwell on what'd just happened. He swung the banhammer onto the floor, the force of it sending him flying to the wall. He really hoped this would work because he wasn't sure he could afford to go to the chiropractor if his back was gone.
“Sixer? Are you there?” He coughed, waving his arms to clear the smoke.
Guest 1337 heard a low growl. He rushed to the center of where the hammer had struck. There stood Guest 666, visibly dazed at the sudden shift in their environment. Guest 1337 hugged his partner, or at least as much of them as they could fit into his arms.
“I missed you so much, Sixer,” He whispered, just loud enough for Guest 666 to hear. Guest 666 brought their mutilated arms to gently hold Guest 1337 closer. They could feel his heartbeat thumping in sync to their own. They were together again, and now, nothing could tear them apart.
