#downurs

[unxdesire]

[sadrosegrl]

[peachbeebaby]

[steadytrembling]

you cracked open my chest

and inscribed love letters on the veins in my heart

they surged throughout my system

charging me with an electric lavender hum

I bled your poetry.

when you left,

I cracked open my own chest,

in desperate fleeting hope of finding the words that once made me feel so undefeatably beautiful;

instead,

I found every single love letter you inked in me

stamped with

return to sender.

I thought you left me last December but it turns out you left me the day you cracked me open;

I was just a storage place for you

a hollowed out empty chest

a place for you to set your pretty

meaningless

words.

I don't trust anyone

who sounds like poetry

anymore.

[steadytrembling]

we used to taste like eachother; now you taste like a swift punch

I taste like b l o o d. I guess in a way we still go together, but we are not the same.

[steadytrembling]

when all else failed, i began to look for a god either i didn't look hard enough, or whoever, or whatever, it was didn't want me to find them; somewhere along the way i found you; you tasted like an angel, like stardust and miracles- perhaps that's why all my prayers taste like you.

if heaven is real, it is the way you hold me

[steadytrembling]

sometimes I wanna wrap my car around a tree; 
maybe because 
it’s the closest thing to your tight embrace
that I’ll be able to get 
in this hauntingly empty haze, 
the kind that is so strangely thick that you can feel it 
pressing
your shoulders down,
down,
down, 
trying to sink your heels beneath the concrete,
down to the dirt and the worms.

it’s the kind 
that presses so hard you feel you may just shatter;
like the windshield of my car would
upon the force of impact; the shards would rain down and resound like the thunderstorms that grow behind the left side of my temple 
pounding
rumbling
roaring
demanding attention.

somehow, underneath this

r o a r i n g I think of you I think about how we used to taste like eachother; but now you taste like a swift punch. I taste like blood. I guess in a way we still go together, but we are not the same. as the glass falls i will find myself thinking of the spectacle in the same way those who came after you found me beautiful;
in a broken, shimmering kind of way,
the kind that lifts you up 
and up
and up
until you hold on too tightly
and suddenly you’re bleeding,

and cursing my name and slamming doors and asking yourself

why

you ever felt so drawn to such a deceptive beauty
though,
like glass,
I was always transparent. 


I guess it was wrong of me to think you’d know;


I guess I just assumed

because you always looked right through me.

you never saw me when I was right in front of you, maybe you'll finally see me on the news when they report the crash

[steadytrembling]

i spend time with my family, you don’t text me. i pretend I’m not checking my phone for your name. i swallow back the tears pretend I don’t mind that there’s no trace of you trying to contact me. i go for a drive, and pretend i don’t know how to get to your house from any part of this damn city; sunbleached asphalt paves the road to you. i keep my eyes on the road and try to find ways to make things look like what they are, rather than looking like you; the city spot up the street from my best friends house tastes like your skin and smells like your conditioner. i drive home from work, and pretend it doesn’t hurt when you aren’t there waiting for me; i avoid calling it home, because you always told me i was your home, and without you, my chest is an abandoned living room, couches covered in white sheets, layered with dust; stifling. i lie alone in bed, and pretend I’m not wishing for your warmth. i still sleep wrapped in the blanket you gave me. i don’t try to pretend that there is even a single version of my future without you; i pretend that the tears I shed are raindrops; if that’s so, every night is a rainstorm.

how do you say “I love you, I miss you, come home” without sounding pathetic?