May 14, 2022
8 Silly Jokes About Mercenaries To Tell Your Friends In Public Spaces (Preferably Crowded Ones Where People Can/Will Overhear The Jokes And Laugh At The Jokes After You Tell Them Such As Bars And/Or High School Gymnasiums)
By Dr. Bungus
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8 Silly Jokes About Mercenaries To Tell Your Friends In Public Spaces (Preferably Crowded Ones Where People Can/Will Overhear The Jokes And Laugh At The Jokes After You Tell Them Such As Bars And/Or High School Gymnasiums)
By Dr. Bungus
DEMOMAN ATE A BEE HELP HELP HELP
They do this a lot. Gently pat them on the back and the bee should fly out (factoid: bees are immune to stomach acid due to god’s will), then give them a beer for a job well done!
Love, Lead Researcher & PR Specialist & “Tumber User”, Dr. Bungus
Dr. Bungus: what are your top 3 favourite weird fish?
James
Steven (Collective). Hate that fucking guy.
Hagfish:) I tried to eat one once but it was too darn slippery and it stole all my money. Really upsetting but it was pretty funny
Love, Lead Researcher & PR Specialist & Really Silly, Bungus
how’s Gary holdin up ? am I allowed to send gifts ?
Hi! This is Gary, from Legal. Dr. Bungus just tried to stuff an entire wasp nest into his mouth and is currently on the floor convulsing so I’m going to make an executive decision here and answer the ask myself🙂
I’m holding up great, anyway, thank you for asking! Bungus got me a legal partner because I was starting to hallucinate—his name is Queso! He’s a little desk plant and to be honest he’s a real cornball, though you didn’t hear me say that! He’s a bit sick right now since the sun doesn’t shine in this room but Bungus keeps crushing corn chips into his pot to make sure he’s properly ‘nutristicized’ and while his leaves are shriveled and actively rotting his soul is still alive. He knows all of my most intimate secrets. Makes great jokes, too! Isn’t that right Queso! Haha! Don’t talk about my wife problems right now I’m on the tumblers I’ll talk to you in a second.
Given what I can decipher through Dr. Bungus’ assorted sounds of agony, she says you’re welcome to send gifts if you really want! Either that or I should get somebody because the wasps are trying to reach their brain and they can’t have that happen for the second time this month. Either way works, I think. Thank you for your concern!
Sincerely, Gary from Legal
what?! noooo, i love my spy and scout :CCC
i thought they could get along because they're related and i thought a family unit of domesticated mercs could work, don't take my darling babies :(
isn't there ANYTHING i could do to help them instead???? my spys been snorting in frustration and wiggling along the floor looking for cigs and scout keeps calling him a chucklenut and downing it with his bonk 😱
-A very desperate low braincelled but loving spy and scout owner
Spies all have an innate instinct to leave any young they sire--either this or severe commitment issues, maybe both, and it's likely on top of everything else your spy is struggling with not being able to leave its child behind, and in some capacity having to be a responsible father. They're likely at severe odds due to this issue; the scout feels like he's not wanted and the spy does not want the scout. Keeping them together in close quarters is only going to keep escalating until something bad happens--and while I would love to see a spy suffering I'm betting you wouldn't.
The good news is that this issue at the very least can probably be fixed, and the rest of the problems will be easier to solve from there. My personal recommendation would just be to separate them for a few days, preferably in the far corners of your house away from each other; your scout, having no semblance of object permanence, will forget the spy exists, and your spy will finally feed into the natural urge to leave behind its child. Read this carefully, because it's crucial: After a few days, allow your spy to return to the scout's area, but do NOT take it there yourself. The key aspect here is that you want the spy to believe it's making its own selfless decision to return to the life of its child, and hopefully by this point it will miss the scout enough that it'll try to be nice to it. This may not seem to work at first, but give them a little time to settle down.
If this still doesn't work, it wasn't going to from the beginning, and I'm sorry to say their relationship is beyond disrepair. Your best hope is to separate them entirely or, as previously said, give one of them up to us. Preferably the scout. We have enough goddamn spies as it is.
Heartbreaking, I know. Life is cruel. If you need to talk about it you're welcome to call me anytime for small sixty-time-fee of two hundred dollars let me know if you're interested:)
Love, Lead Researcher & PR Specialist & Winner of “Worst Candidate For Anything Whatsoever,” Dr. Bungus
r they edible
If you try hard enough anything is edible:)
Love, Lead Researcher & PR Specialist & Professional Piss-Volleyball Player, Dr. Bungus
Clearing Up Some Misconceptions
Nothing is dangerous with Bungus around.
Love, Lead Researcher & PR Specialist & Eluviation Pirate, Dr. Bungus
[LEAKED EMAILS]
MAY 13, [REDACTED]
Guys, the heavy I was watching had just been killed, I think it was the engineer but I'm not sure - dr spaghetti
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how can you not be sure?! - dr peake
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I HAD LOOKED AWAY FROM THE HEAVY FOR TWO SECONDS
ALSO NOW THE SPY IS TALKING TO THE ENGIE? - dr spaghetti
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each merc has a signature kill style. is he full of buckshot? - dr peake
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Is that heavy really dead or is it just being dramatic.- dr spaghetti
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ill toss a medic in. if the heavy is being dramatic the medic can get it back on its feet - dr peake
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The medic just got here! Anddddd it's back up!
OH [REDACTED] IT EXPLODED UH NEVER MIND - dr spaghetti
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… - dr peake
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For some reason now a bunch of random mercs are arguing over it? I think? I'm not sure I can't make out what they are saying - dr spaghetti
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well it's a good thing we're entirely funded by saxton hale
aaaand the medic is playing in the viscera. - dr peake
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Jeez - dr spaghetti
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no no this is good enrichment for them. - dr peake
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Yes I know that, I'm literally the behavioral expert, it's just a little creepy - dr spaghetti
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you think you'd be used to a little blood and gore by now - dr peake
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that's easy for you to say, you're literally the main medic researcher - dr spaghetti
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you say that like the heavies would hesitate to reduce a scout to a fine paste - dr peake
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Yes, however they at least have some [REDACTED] dignity about it, medics play in chest cavities like a toddler in a sand box! - dr spaghetti
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i know isn't it cute? - dr peake
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You concern me sometimes peake. - dr spaghetti
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crabs are scavengers that aren't picky about what they eat. ever seen crabs swarm a slightly old chicken neck?it's just like that - dr peake
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I wonder if heavy's ever think about that like how you would think about the "your cats will eat you when you die" thingy? - dr spaghetti
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i'm not a psychologist i'm a marine biologist. how would i know - dr peake
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peake, did you like the joke I made about your name? it's like peek-a-boo but I put your name in it. I thought it was funny
I think I'm gonna try bringing in some comedic relief--|think it'd make us more relatable with the youth. be honest
please. honesty only. - Lead Reasearcher, PR Specialist, Definite Human, Dr. Bungus
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yes dr bungus i did see that it was quite amusing although i'm not sure how that's gonna make us more relatable seeing as these are internal memos that definitely are not going to be leaked to the public - dr peake
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There are some cons to being a marine biologist - dr spaghetti
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if there are i haven't discovered them yet! - dr peake
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I need to mark something every time you say something concerning.
I guess it makes sense that someone like you WOULD be a medic researcher. - dr spaghetti
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hahahahah you think THAT's concerning you should hear about some of the stuff my wife's done! - dr peake
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YOU HAVE A WIFE? - dr spaghetti
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Just in general. I'm trying out some jokes. Here's one I've been thinking about:
Q: What do you call a Scout?
A: Annoying!
How many "re bogs" do you guys think we'd get for that? - Lead Researcher, PR Specialist, "A Good Guy", Dr. Bungus
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i honestly have no idea, bungo. I'm not that good at social media but i think it'd get a fair few? - dr peake
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That joke is terrible, but tumblr likes that kinda stuff - dr spaghetti
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and yes i have a wife? Dr Frost? we didn't do the name change for professional reasons also we've been divereed twice but that was entirely her fault
fun fact, one of the times we got divorced was during a match of that game based on the mercenaries when she got autobalanced to the other team and i had to kill her! - dr peake
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WAIT WHAT DR FROST IS YOUR WIFE?
HOW WAS I NEVER NOTIFIED ABOUT THIS?? - dr spaghetti
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Don’t you remember her “get to know me” thing we did when we first got here? - dr peake
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I may have forgotten about that, sorry - dr spaghetti
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it's all good - dr peake
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now if you'll excuse me there's a week old chicken neck in the fridge that's getting pretty ripe.. - dr peake (definitely not 37 crabs in a lab coat)
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I feel like the fact you had to specify that is mildly concerning. - dr spaghetti
[END OF LEAK]