What an excellent night for depressed binge drinking.
You really hope that this is simply from being unused to dealing with estrogen and its effects on moods and emotion, but honestly this is pathetic. You're just making excuses.
You sent her a message. She didn't respond. You offered amends. She wasn't interested.
You are such a fucking shitty father.
You don't want to overbear, so you give her space. You give too much space. You hardly get to speak with her anymore. You have no idea what is going on with her life, and it is not because she is avoiding you. It's because you're not putting forth the effort. It's as if you don't even care. You don't even know enough about basic fucking human interaction to recognize whether or not you care.
You do care, you reason. Why else would you be dispassionately drinking 151 rum straight, alone in your apartment, staring at nothing. Your gaze is distant, but pained. It takes you a few more swigs from the bottle to realize you are crying. It is not an active process. You're still and silent, and your face is blank, but tears still stain your cheeks. You don't even have the energy to wipe them from your face.
You are such a coward. You are sitting here sulking alone. One message unnoticed and you've ran. Every logical part of yourself hates you. Even the emotional part hates you. Take another shot.
You are upset only now that it is convenient to you. You rolled your eyes when she was upset. She told you what you were doing would hurt her, and you didn't understand why she would be upset and you did it anyway you awful, heartless, insensitive, sociopathic prick. Take another fucking shot.
Do you just want to make fucking amends because you're getting married and you want her to be there? You want her to be happy for you when you can't even ensure that she herself is happy? You don't even know if she's safe right now. You are awful. You are fucking awful and you are no where near what that girl deserves. Why was it you. Why did you have to try and help that little girl when you could have brought her to someone who could have given her so much more. Why couldn't that little robot girl have found someone who could have shown her the love that she deserves.
Why did she have to make you feel love.
You never vomit when you drink. It seems as though you stay true to that constant, but nonetheless you drag your sorry ass to the bathroom and continue your lament pressed against the wall and the linoleum. The alcohol has all but stopped burning in your throat. The tears still hurt though. You can't even recall the last time you cried, but now your body spasms with the occasional silent sob. You press the heels of your hands into your eyes, having abandoned the nearly empty bottle on the floor.
You thought Slick was a fool when you watched him go through the same process. You are the fool. It just took you a bit longer for it to boil over.
You fucking hate yourself and everything that you are.