May 15, 2020
How different life would be with a thin, quiet body.
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How different life would be with a thin, quiet body.
12/10/15 9:31 PM
I think about leaving because I feel like there will always be a part of me that's fucked because I'm friends with you, but I can't leave because without you being my friend all of me is fucked. It's like in order not to die, I always have to have a cold. Sex use to fuck me up, but I got use to it. "Just sex. Means nothing." I made myself believe it. I can probably make the cuddling and shit mean nothing too. The problem is, when you get a girlfriend it is going to fuck me in the ass. I won't be okay. Because for two years I have done everything in my power to make you happy. I spend my money. I spend my time. I would literally do fucking anything. If you told me to kill myself I'd do it right now. I care about you so much and you know that. I'm here for everything. I guess my point is I just don't understand why. Why don't you want to be with me? Is it because of how I look? It just doesn't make sense to me that you can act the way you do with me sometimes but not always. That you can spend so much time with me. You can tell me shit you don't tell anyone. You can trust me so much. But you can't be with me. You can pretend, like its a game, but can't be serious. You said "I'm not sure why I feel so strongly about this, but I know that I do." Ever thought that this is why? I know you don't want to hear any of this, but it's fucking me up. It is. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. I just need you to know how I feel. I love you.
I wish I had enough courage to kill myself.
9/28/15
Thanks for looking out, bud. Rest in peace. 💖
8/16/15 2:37 AM
I can't stop staring at them and thinking about not knowing them in a year. I don't want to do this. I want to be dead.
8/12/15 2:03 AM
Halle, Austin, and I drove around and listened to music and it was so great. I felt happy, like I'm suppose to be alive, safe. Then I remembered, it's temporary. The problem with life is that everything is temporary. In a year, it will all be gone. Halle will be in Duguesne, I'll be at YSU, and that's it. That's all there is. No more up all night, no more 2 am food runs. Nothing. Austin was talking about how him Christian and Cody used to be so close, "if one of us was coming, you knew we all were." Now it's like they're in other worlds. Halle will be at college, new friends. Bug will be here, so far. Austin will be gone. I'm scared. I'm scared of it all. Everything that's happened with fucking 22. Dj, the gun that didn't go off, the accident, Austin's uncle, all the little shit in between. It scares me. I want everything to be simple again. I want to understand things again.
8/9/15 10:33 PM
I want you to fuck me until I'm not sad anymore.
I want drugs. I want alcohol. I want to cut. I want sex with people who will only hurt me. I want to dye my hair black and cut it off. I want to destroy myself in every way possible.