#dragonis rambles

[dragonismoon]

These books are making me think of my own gods >_>

Well... it's nice that I'm leaning towards something again. Not that I stopped, but... ugh. Complications. I wish I had the space to do Them the honor I believe They deserve. Sadly my bedroom cannot even fit me in it. I can't sleep in my own bed because of the apartment sitting on top of it.

But at least They're in my thoughts, right? .-.

[dragonismoon]

The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that had I not taken myself off of the medication the hospital gave me after two months of taking it, I'd have been fucked over.

>_> I wish I remember all three pills they first tried to give me. I'm convinced one of them was an anti-psychotic and the other two were anti-depressants but I only remember the anti-depressants. Not like they did anything for me.

But I'm convinced the retarded asshole psychiatrist nearly fucked me over with his bull shit. Who prescribes medication after a three minute talk? I don't even think he gave me a diagnosis. There was no evaluation to determine any kind of diagnosis. 

Piece of shit hospital is a piece of shit.

[dragonismoon]

It's going to be a quiet New Year's this year. Just going to chill with Mum and keep her company. 

I also need to work out how I want to apply my powder for the house.... I don't need to accidentally do something to poison a stray kitty :c I'm thinking I'll put some under the mat... That seems to be the best idea I've come up with so far that doesn't require digging in one of Mum's flower pots.

And a quick secret: Sometimes I think that I'm not as dedicated as I should be to my Gods. But maybe that's coming from watching documentaries about cults and religious fanatics... my Goddess keeps reassuring me that I'm doing alright and that They aren't going to ask more of me (well, except for that working on "balance" thing and being more comfortable with my God to try and get over some of the lingering things from ~4 years ago).

[dragonismoon]

Thoughts swimming around in my head

even though I'm supposed to be writing the essay portion of my test due tomorrow.

And to start, I'm going to through myself under the bus and "contribute" to this... thing... on what makes a "real" Wiccan. Even though any opinions I hold are extremely biased at this point. Also, I probably wont reply to any responses to this because it's pointless. Especially when all that I'm expecting in response are people telling me I'm a fraud or whatnot. Seriously, I'm not going to respond to that, because technically, this is my response to whatever you will say to me.

I am a witch. That in itself is fine. 

I am a Solitary Wiccan. Now I find myself having a problem.

Because I'm not initiated into a British Traditional Wiccan coven, so how dare I even think to call myself Wiccan? 

I know I'm not a BTW - I have never once claimed that I practiced British Traditional Wicca. I always clarify my position as a Solitary practitioner. In fact, I didn't even start practicing with anyone. My path has always been solitary. I now have other Solitary Wiccan friends who did practice with friends, but they gradually melted away and my friends were left alone to pursue their path on their own. 

In fact, I don't know of any Traditional Wiccan covens in my area. Not that I could get to them if there were - I have zero form of transport that could take me to a coven to see if I could be trained and initiated. Don't bother telling me that if I truly wanted to be Wiccan and be initiated I'd do whatever it took to get to a coven.

There's no one to carpool with. I don't have any form of vehicle. I don't even have an income for public transportation. Why reach out to strangers, hoping for help, when I don't even know if I can trust them and they me. Your argument there, in my honest to Goddess opinion, is invalid and moot.

You can't even tell me that Wicca is a mystery religion and I can't understand all of the mysteries on my own. I know I can't fully understand all of Wicca's mysteries on my own, but there are some mysteries that I can discover on my own. A High Priestess couldn't teach me how sacred and important life is like the way I "taught" myself last fall when I overcame my depression through a suicide attempt. A High Priestess couldn't teach me the mystery of death as well as my cat did (and she continued to teach me more on Samhain when she called me stupid for holding regrets that came over me when she passed). 

I can't learn all the mysteries, but you also can't deny and invalidate my own life lessons within certain mysteries.

I'll call myself Neo-Wiccan at times, but I'm not going to stop calling myself Wiccan. I'm not trying to make Wicca into whatever I want it to be - I may keep it to my comfort level, but I'm not trying to change Wicca into being something else. I keep Wicca to the level that my God and Goddess want it. When They ask of more, I'll give Them more.

And because I'm tired of talking about this now: I made my own alphabet. I'm awesome.

[dragonismoon]

Something that I really hate.

Feel free to ignore this post~

I really hate it when people say they "know everything" about me. I know I can be an open book sometimes, but there are still some subjects and items that I keep to myself or only let select people know.

Can this Fuck-face be even more annoying? It's like how he assumed I had lesbian sex because I deflected his question and refused to answer him if I had or not. My sex life is my own, regardless if I've done anything or nothing. 

Does this Shit-face know everything? Of course not >_> He wouldn't know about my first crush or how I was moderately bullied in middle school (moderate because I know people have gone through a lot worse) or even when I was first attacked with depression. Or...lots of things. 

What was the first color I ever liked - no one really knows that but me. I'm actually surprised how I went from that to yellow to green and then blue. I feel like I'm in a circle of colors!

Do people know the struggle I went through when I was first invaded by the Darkness and who my role model was at that time? Of course not.

No one knows who I'm talking about when I say people have lied to me through my life, causing me to hate broken promises and lies in general. I tend to hate giving people the benefit of the doubt for certain things, and I've learned to be skeptical, but I still try to take the word of whomever it is at the time. I try to get past my skepticism and belief that everyone, at their core, is the same. Sometimes it doesn't work. *shrugs*

No body knows "everything" about me. And the next time Fuck-face tells me that he does, I'll explode on him.

-Dragonis )O(