My [44M] partner [40F] has beef with people everywhere we go. How do I get her to understand not everyone's out to get her?
We've been together for five years now. She has always done this but I blew it off, because I know she just struggles with insecurity and had a rough childhood. (She grew up extremely well-off but with a volitle parent.) But now it's just causing problems almost everywhere we go. For example, we were at a bar having (what I thought) was a great time. Suddenly, she gets extremely upset at me for not "defending her honor". I'm confused so I ask what she means. Apparently she perceived that the woman next to us was "glaring at her" and she wanted me to stand up to her and call her out for it. I had no idea if this was even true. Things like this happen ALL THE TIME. It's like she scans the crowd and waits for someone to do something she perceives as against her, and then wants me to defend her honor. It is always stupid stuff that usually has an innocent explanation. She has done it with my friends and family before too, even blowing up at them a few times over misunderstandings. She doesn't know how to apologize or take accountability. Just says it's their fault for setting her off. Like someone accidentally bumping into her, or we'll have a perfectly pleasant interaction and she'll swear up and down they were secretly being "bitches". She tells me I need to "live in the real world, and stop assuming positive intentions." I'm exhausted. She has this thing about loyalty, she's obsessed with flashy shows of loyalty and I feel like she's constantly testing me. How do I get her to understand that not everyone is out to get her?
You cannot make someone listen to you or see things your way. Listening is a choice, and she's choosing not to hear what you say. It sounds like you two are arguing about this, so you have tried pushing back about it. If you've tried, and she doesn't want to hear it, there's nothing else for you to do. You can decide to put up with this or decide it's a deal breaker and leave. But there's no magical solution where you just get her to see things your way. She has to choose to try and change her perspective, and it sounds like she's pretty uninterested in that.
