How do you love yourself when even the person you think loves you most, loves you less and less everyday? — or at least that’s how I feel. It’s always me. It’s me who overthinks. It’s me who makes myself think of things not worth thinking about. Why do I do that? I’d love to answer that but even a clue, I don’t have. I’m sorry mom for being a collosal disappointment and a constant pain in your neck. I’m sorry for being too tired from school that I choose to sleep instead of folding the laundry. I’m sorry for liking someone who comforts me when you’re not there or when you’re too beat to even pay attention to me. I’m sorry for wanting to go away from here. I’m sorry. okay? You always talk about how life will be like if you were to die. Everytime you did that, I wish I could just sew your lips together because even a packing tape won’t shut you up. Now, it’s my turn. Maybe if I go away far enough, you could forget how bad I am. You could forget how much I hurt you because I wasn’t normal. Maybe you could forget those nights that I kept you up because I was having panic attacks. Maybe if I went away long enough you’d forget how disappointed you are of me. Maybe if I didn’t come back, you’d forget about me. You won’t have to deal with me anymore or remembering how much pain I caused you, or how much of a disappointment I am… You are my foundation. You drive me to strive for my best. But when I give it to you, i get a frown. AND I’M TIRED OF THAT! And I’m sick of smiling! I’m sick of saying yes to everything! I’m sick of having to act everytime I’m in front of people because they can’t handle this shit! But why do I have to handle it? Why am I the one who has to be strong? Why am I the one who has to play dead? I’m sick of not knowing why! I’m sick of not knowing my purpose! I’m sick of living! I didn’t ask for this. I feel like an idiotic person because I see all these strong people who go through shit and I tell them it’s okay but I don’t know if it will be. What the fuck is that Rachelle. I wonder what would happen if I come to school one day and I’m completely myself. What if I channeled my inner feelings and radiate it on my face? Heck I can’t even do that! Because I’m so used to keeping it all in and caging it that I don’t even know which part of me it’s in. It’s not grudge. It’s self pity and anger and disappointment and a lot more. It’s crazy because instead of crying and sulking, the best way that i have discovered to help me the most is to smile. If I don’t smile, I’ll die. What the fuck is wrong with me?!