Dreams 2
Strange strange facets of dreams, during a shitty night of sleep. I am never smoking this many cigarettes again... of course they served a purpose, but what is worth it? To feel sick, to have a hard time to sleep... anyways.. the dreams about Jess again, after seeing him, kind of randomly and not really knowing. I still can’t believe how much I love that guy and want to take care of him. Anyways, the dreams: in one he was just doing things around the house and we were al hanging there, and I started to hang with this other guy as a potential hook up and he was just there coming up to around us, and we talked about music and some things in the meantime. Anyways then later I talked to him on the pourch, and he told me he is starting university and like doing meditation and there was just something about him and this that made me really happy. Oh it made me really happy that we talked. Because we actually talked about us, he said something that he can’t be what I want or not now, I think it was more like not now, like he’s not ready or something. But he was TALKING to me... so I remember being supper happy about that. He was telling me how he feels. And then I said he probably has a very different idea of what I need and want and my standard... but it was okay for me to say that, I remember a feeling of desperation, where in the dream I wanted to convince him that I was good for him, and that I was gonna be nice and low maintainable or whatever I was gonna say just anything to change his mind. But then I had a rush of loving sensation and urge where I just was happy he was talking to me and it was a moment of unconditional love where I understood he was where he was and I had to let him be there and just hold space. And so saying that wasn’t persuasive it was more just a statement or observation. So yeah maybe this means something, for me. But it was a good feeling and a connectedness.
On this note, letting go. I forgot that when you really want something, you first need to let it go, move on, feel complete and then it will come to you. So I’m going to do just that, with work and my love life.
