This was a dream I had last month.
Before I start talking about my dream, I need to provide a brief background.
In the waking life, my best friend and I haven’t talked for more than half a year already. To be honest, I'm not really sure if I still regard her as a best friend. When I think about her and the fact that we don’t talk anymore, I don’t really feel anything. Not sadness, not anger. Just that I don’t care. I think ever since that ‘breakup’ I had earlier this year, I just stopped caring that much. I started to feel that I could lose anyone else and I won’t care anymore. Since I was able to cope with losing her, I felt that I could cope with losing anyone else. I started to feel that if people don’t want me to be in their life, then fine, I don’t want them to be in my life either. Although this thinking has its perks, it worries me too, honestly. I feel that I’ve become the person I don’t want to be.
I’ve always feared being alone, left alone, rejected, and replaced. These fears have been fueled by something that happened seven years ago, but that really isn’t needed background for the dream, haha. Anyway, naturally, I wouldn’t want to be hypocritical and be the person who leaves others. But recently, when I feel that I'm unwanted—even without solid evidence (I feel unwanted, but when I have a clear mind and am able to take a birds-eye view, I could tell that I'm being illogical, but I still can’t help but feel what I'm feeling, and it feels real)—I start to beat them to it and feel that I don’t really care if I lose them either. Quite easily, since I already coped with losing someone important.
But maybe my subconscious is trying to communicate with me. Maybe my subconscious doesn’t really feel that way. I wouldn’t know. There's a reason it’s called the subconscious. But what I do know is that I dreamt about my best friend trying to talk to me again after that long time of having zero contact, and what I did in the dream was to tell her that I don’t really care about her anymore. She got hurt and left, but that was when I started to feel that I regretted what I said. From what I know about the me now, I probably wouldn’t regret what I said, but dream me did. I started giving my best friend phone calls after phone calls, but she wouldn’t pick up. I wanted to apologize and tell her that I spoke out of anger.
After ten phone calls or so, her mother picked up. I told her I wanted to talk to my best friend, and she gave a really unbelievable excuse that even me in a dream wouldn’t believe. I mean, we tend to get really impressionable in dreams, right? If there's a giant fish swimming under a frozen river in front of you and it’s talking to you, you'll respond instead of wondering why the fuck, right?
The dream ended with me continuing to call until I couldn’t anymore. At some point, it just stopped ringing.
I woke up breathing hard and crying. I felt that maybe I really am not ready to lose people, after all. Until the dream haze wears off, at least. Around afternoon, I was back to feeling that I can throw away anyone who wants to throw me away. I know I wouldn’t want to leave anyone who still wants me around, but I can’t stop feeling that people don’t really like or care about me. I told myself that if I don’t assume anything and believe everything’s fine until they say otherwise, I’d be fine, but it hurts having to put up with feeling unwanted. I don’t know what to do. But when I leave first and distance myself, the pain stops, I feel nothing, and I really rather feel numb than feel hurt.
Still though, after the dream, I promised myself that if she does try to talk to me, I will remain calm and not say anything hurtful like I did in the dream.
