Dec 20, 2014
seen from France
seen from France
seen from China
seen from Colombia
seen from Indonesia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Estonia
seen from Peru
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from T1
Blah blah blah.
Here we go again. Here we go the fuck again. I can feel myself slipping back into my old ways. The depression, the disphoria, the ex. Jesus I thought I was at least past her. But the longer I'm alone and away from her the more I regret not being with her. I know no matter what we'll never be the same but A small part of me wants to try. As for everything else, I knew it was coming. Always does right after the anniversary of mom's death. I'll keep the razors away for now. Happy Whatever the fuck you celebrate.
I hate Christmas.
All I want is cigarettes, weed, alcohol, and to be far away from my collection of razors and my overbearing family. This year sucks and money is so tight. My phone is off and I got $40 bucks. Im grateful for getting anything at all but Jesus this is stupid. This is why I hate Christmas. Fuck being home. I can't wait to leave.
Oh, okay.
Since no one will actually read this, I'm going to say things that my brain is thinking at the moment. Only because I'm angry and sad and frustrated and I need to get some things off my chest.
I'm hungry. I missed dinner. I missed you a little while ago, then I remembered that you left me and missing you is illogical. But, I still miss you. I miss the way we used to lay in your bed just cuddling and making out. I miss our cute days where we'd just do things as a couple. I miss saying "babe". Then it hits me. I don't have to miss you. I could take you back right now and everything will be better. Nah, it won't be better. It would be putting a tiny bandage on a huge fucking hole. I can't do that. I can't handle the thought of that. I can't handle anything at the moment.
I guess this is the part in my life where I'm at my low again. I'll be here for a wee bit and then I'm right back to normal. I guess what I'm wondering is when that will stop happening. It's either going to stop because I'm just happy all the time or I'm going to break my sanity in half and be a mess all the time... Wait... I'm a mess all the time now. Maybe I broke already.
Ugh. I hate being alone this time of year. I sink into my head and my thoughts drown me. This is around the time where I realize that my mom's dead, my dad's clueless which makes him an asshole, my family is falling apart, and I have no control over any of it. I have no one to distract me or lean on for the support I need. The support of someone more than a friend. Someone that I've connected with on a deeper level. Someone who only wants me to be happy and make sure I achieve that. Someone to love me.
Sorry about bitching so much.
On a better note,
Lately, I've hated most things. Although I still do, I've found that today has been rather shitty, then good, then shitty, and ended on a good note. I'm rather grateful for that. A couple of people that I really care about are off to a better path than before, I'm becoming more comfortable with the female population, and I'm giving less and less fucks about what my dad has to say about my life. Things are starting to look up.
An inner monologue, by yours truly.
Dammit dude, you have a test tomorrow that you’re not ready for and here you sit, on tumblr not studying and all you can think about it how much it’s gonna suck to fail. You do nothing about it and you don’t care. You were doing so great at the beginning of this semester. Now, you skip class, breathe more smoke than air, and do countless things to aid in your self destruction. Way-to-go fuck face. You’re getting nowhere and catalyzing the process with stupid decisions. On top of everything you’ve singlehandedly let your depressing/anxiety get out of control again. You officially suck. Congratulations. You’re a disappointment worthless little prick.
The Boy Who Almost Was
His finger tips brushed against my palm as he was letting go. I wish now that I had held on to him. The sensation of his touch lingered there for a long time and I wondered if he would miss me. I closed my eyes and pictured him at his happiest. His smile took my breath away and his kiss took my heart. The wind blows and it sounds like his voice. I cannot escape him. He broke me, shattered me with a goodbye, but... I still hope pray for his return.
Oh Shit.
So, in re-evaluating my life I've discovered a few things. I fall for people I know I can't have so when I find out I can't have them I'm not as heartbroken. I'm not as mentally stable as I thought I was. I'm pretty attracted to boys, girls, and everyone in between even though I really really really like girls. I can't be anything but awkward when it comes to attractive people. I care way too much about what people think and I'm desperate for their approval. I suck. Guess I shouldn't think too hard.