I finally made it to the top of the holds list for this book. I’ve divorced myself from the idea I need to read stuff front-to-back. I’m picking stuff and going in the order I please. That said, I’m about 2 chapters in and this book is hitting me very hard. I have been doing some work around trauma and also avoiding work around trauma (which is a coping mechanism for trauma that ultimately is p terrible when sustained but also is my life).
I have been able to verbalize the fact I have trauma and am working on this trauma for about a year now. But that hasn’t shook the shame and guilt around it. Just now, I feel like this book held a mirror to my face and said “THIS IS WHY YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL - LIKE YOU DON’T FEEL ANYTHING. THIS IS WHY SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE A CHARADE TO DO OR SAY ANYTHING – YOU HAVE DISCONNECTED YOURSELF FROM YOUR EMOTIONS OR SHOWING UP FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE IT WAS SAFE TO DO SO AT ONE POINT. TURNING OFF YOUR EMOTIONS WAS WHAT WORKED TO AVOID BAD FEELINGS. THIS IS WHY ANGER AND ANGST AND DESPAIR AND HELPLESSNESS ARE THE FEELINGS THAT U FEEL MOST STRONGLY – BECAUSE THEY’RE THE ONES YOU CAN REMEMBER, THAT YOUR BODY HAS ‘ENGRAVED’” (engraved was the term used in the book)
Blah blah blah healing isn’t linear. I know I’ve made some progress and that being back in this feeling of not feeling anything/only feeling 'anger’ or 'angst’ doesn’t mean that moments where I have connected with a deeper part of me haven’t been real…in fact, it means that it is really there! It’s there! I’m in there! It’s still really frustrating not to be able to connect with that part of myself all the time – especially when I have things I should feel happy about and I just wanna have a tantrum about it because WHY DO I HAVE TO JUST FEEL ANGRY AND SAD. THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANT. I just wanna feel things for real and trust myself to show up for myself and not bend myself to act how I think I’m “supposed” to act, that I can “fake it til [I] make it” with emotions….I’ve gotten better about that, for sure, this book is just raising some memories that I have been revisiting lately that make me mad because I didn’t show up for myself. But now I am realizing….yo….maybe be kinder to your past you…you didn’t know what you were dealing with, and your brain engraved this way of processing things, and the best thing you can do right now is, like, extend kindness to ur past self. Even if you know you don’t know all the answers now, you at least have a better understanding of what you don’t know. does that make sense? no? welcome…this is trauma work in my brain.
A., Van der Kolk Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2014.
link: https://seattle.bibliocommons.com/item/show/3037343030
