#drugs oops

[peripalz]

They’re cooked and chilling

It’s messy but like cmon it looks funnier if it is

Ft @vellichorom’s Theirry

[willneverbreakme]

so i stayed a couple of nights with my friend where she was working at a shooting camp and wow

so the first night we just got pissed and I spent a significant amount of time sat in the lap of this guy called Tom who was a Babe, he was 26, had a son, and had had a bit of a breakdown around the time he should’ve been studying and doing uni so alas, had not gone. But he lived in Chester and said he went to the kind of raves i would love to go to in Liverpool and I was like !!!!!  at first i thought he was trying to get with me but over two nights of me being severely intoxicated he didn’t even try and make a move so maybe he was just a really nice guy? to this day I am unsure.

the next night was Centurion which basically meant about 100 mostly young adults + Ferg (who was like 40/50 and an absolute guardian angel) sat round a small barbecue which they tried to turn into a campfire. The concept of centurion is one drink a minute for a hundred minutes, and apparently this was the first year they actually managed to achieve that. Of course, this being Bisley, it wasn’t long before the drugs were broken out. James had some weed that he let me and Clare have some tokes of, but not enough to really get stoned.

Clare, James and Dulcie had never tried mandy before so we all agreed to take a half each, apparently of the weaker sort of pill going (turtles?). An hour later and I wasn’t feeling shit, so I bought another pill, and took it in two halves as i waited like half an hour after the first half and felt nothing still. Around two hours after the first half it hit and i soon realised that I was fuuuucked. It didn’t feel like it usually did, maybe because the atmosphere was so much more relaxed than my usual clubbing scene or maybe because of the weed, I didn’t have the same kind of energy or need to move or desire to get deep with people. Anyway I started talking to this quiet guy called Cami who seemed really sweet, and at first he seemed to be trying to encourage me to get with Tom but then we just got to talking and he was a right babe (later on in the night Tom saw me spending a lot of time with Cami and then he started telling me what a great guy Cami was too which was funny). When I got the urge to move he agreed to come on several walks with me, to get water and just to wander round the campsite and later to go for a walk round the back, where he helped me take several (shit) photos for my instagram and I followed him and laughed because he was a hipster (”Is that a bad thing?” “nah it’s okay I am too”).

lots of people went off into groups or went to bed but the group that was left the longest was around Will who was on the recliner, and Rose and Clare and Mack and some others (including often Tom) were around there under the blanket and me and Cami joined for a while after another walk. I could not walk straight or stand in one spot for the fucking life of me, Ferg was definitely keeping an eye on me bless him cos I was clearly off my goddamn tits, but I had an arm around Cami so I was okay.

Relatively early on Clare was clearly fucked and we kept encouraging her to drink water, but the lid to the water was special and she kept bestowing it upon James and insisting that he keep it. James of course didn’t want the lid so I took it, which was apparently complete betrayal. I wanted to spend more time with Clare, but she seemed okay and didn’t really need my help. She seemed somewhat confused and totally out of it but quite funny, like I would encourage her to walk over to me and she was insistent that she couldn’t do it. When we were in this little group Tom wanted some more md but he didn’t want a whole pill, so I think he split it into three, and offered it to me and Cami. Cami said no but I’m quite proud of my poor impulse control so I took more. Mack turned out to be really fucking sound and he was fun to talk to, I’m pretty sure over the course of the conversation I asked where he was from three times and forgot each time (he was a local), and he also offered to help me send a text to Will as I must’ve spent a good half hour trying to stare at this fucking screen cos my eyes were like vibrating and I could not for the life of me focus on it. Earlier I’d been walking backwards squinting at in to try and make it easier to see which got me some light concern until I explained what I was doing. Mack also told me that I was a really sound person which was great I really liked Mack. I was very conscious the whole night that I was totally fucked off my goddamn face and I know I kept saying “I am fuuucked” and I got Mack to say it too, getting him to drag out the word fucked like I was.

Shockingly the come down from two pills was pretty intense and I noticed that the ket had come out, so I mentioned that I was crashing to Tom and he offered me some ket. I took a sniff from some on a little spoon/ladle held under my nose (and received advice on the best way to sniff everything up out of my nose) and I didn’t think that little would do much, I expected it to just take the edge off my comedown so I would feel better and could go to bed in not too long. But this shit, it didn’t take the edge off it punted me up another fucking cliff. I reckon I must’ve taken this around half two/ three and went to bed just after four. Over this time my balance got worse, I hallucinated (mostly I got these occasional bursts of neon red or green running stitch patterns over things, at one point I was looking up at the stars and they got really goddamn intense, and shortly before I went to bed I was next to the car and just straightup seeing things that weren’t there, like I’m pretty sure something must’ve morphed into a bare back with swirly patterns on or something?). I’m sure at one point, probably when I was staring at the stars, I had a definite thought that I didn’t know how I was going to get the person I was at that moment back into the person I am day to day, maybe I felt infinite, too much to be dull and mundane and Good. I also recall experiencing things and either thinking that they were part of like, another universe or w/e, or hallucinating things that weren’t happening and then having to drag myself back into the real universe that was actually happening.

Late on the group around the campfire dispersed, whether to bed or to somewhere else I’m not sure because shortly after this I totally fucking lost it. I’d estimate that for maybe ten minutes I completely forgot who I was. I had a very clear idea of what was going on but it was a very dumbass drug-fuelled idea. I couldn’t see anyone else so I was sure I was the last one there, and this was terrible. I’m not sure if I thought I was just the last one awake or the last person ever or what, and I was wandering/staggering around the campsite, not recognising any of it. I remember having a vague idea that there were good tents and bad tents, and that I was definitely on some kind of mission, but I had just totally forgotten everything. Fortunately I spotted someone at the back of the field towards the cars, but it took me definitely too long to recognise that it was Cami rescuing me and offering me some water, but as soon as I realised who it was I clicked back into place. Cami wanted to go to bed but I didn’t, so he promised to help me find Tom who was wrapped in a blanket by the cars. Ieuan and some of the more hardcore druggies were inside but the seats were full so the three of us chilled out there for a bit, I hallucinated, Cami sat down and offered me to sit in his lap, and Tom wandered off. It wasn’t long before we decided to call it quits as Tom had kinda been the last person left for me to stick with and Cami wanted to go, so we walked back to the tents and went to bed. I’m pretty sure it must’ve taken me about twenty minutes to actually get into bed, I just couldn’t do it, I was so fucked I had to keep taking breaks. Unfortunately I couldn’t do it without waking Clare but it wasn’t too bad.

Alas in a tent you wake up with the sun so it was only an hour or so later that I woke up, and then promptly threw up a number of times outside the tent (also onto Mack’s bag oops). James drove us to his caravan at around 6/7 so we could get a few hours of sleep.

Clearly I didn’t behave too badly because Tom promised to take me out to some raves in Liverpool once term starts again (yaay!!) and I have to go back next year because everyone was lovely and I had a great time.

[willneverbreakme]

guess who really wants to step out of their head and get off their fucking face yup its me

[willneverbreakme]

drinking red wine with my mum and I was saying “can’t remember the last time I had red wine” and then I suddenly remembered and was almost overwhelmed with the urge to tell her that “actually wait I do remember i had a sip of julian’s on the way from greenbank to carnatic so i could swallow half a pill cos the ket had worn off and the first half hadn’t hit yet” ahaha fucking imagine

[willneverbreakme]

oops drugs

so it would appear i am now potentially a proper full on drug user and what has brought me to this rather belated epiphany? well i guess it probably sank in properly while kneeling on the floor after my third or fourth line of ket (love it by the way do ket kids)

also, ket is a serious one for altering the way you see things, not like full on hallucinations but just, the proportions of rooms look different. not wrong, just different, good. and this time it also altered the way i saw my friend jack. i have a real problem in that i sometimes kind of depersonalise people in a way that makes it very difficult to see them as people in the same way that i see other people, they’re harder to interact with and make eye contact with, more intimidating, but lying on tom’s bed with jack as the only other high one in the room, dozing next to me, i had a real “holy shit i see your personhood in the same way i see everyone else’s” which was a really great thing 100% very helpful

[willneverbreakme]

so high @ levels was pretty fun tonight,

 the original plan was to just be on the mild side of drunk, maybe top up in there but nothing too intoxicating. but of course Will asked if Bradley some and of course he did cos we told him not to at raz on monday, and him and Chris and Jack and even fucking Abby were gonna do it was I was like whatever fine I’m black I’ll be dark chocolate w/e my boy’s not what so he knows that it’s unacceptable bt hey w/e

I told Will that I loved him and Jack and Chris that I loved them wanted to spend more time with them and danced like not even literally one single flying fuck

I probably shouldn’t have spent as much time worrying about Abby and where everyone was but I just wanted to make sure she was all chill and had a good night, which hopefully she did, evven is she temporaro;y disappeared

I stopped writing this because it was six am and I suddenly realised that I had to be up in two hours. I cannot for the life of me tell you what the fuck I was on about for some of that but I can tell you that I was Really Trashed and Really Struggling the next day

[willneverbreakme]

it’s day two after my night out and my jaw still fucking hurts when I chew what did I do to deserve this

[willneverbreakme]

turns out ecstasy is a good feeling

okay so guess who just tried mandy for the first time omg it me

literally i never thought i’d ever do something like that you hear so much scare shit at school but man it was just the best

when you’re drunk you can’t think straight and your judgement is wrong and you’re a different person really, but on md it was like instead of being my brain i was inside my head looking out and i could still think clearly, i could still see an old guy standing behind me leering in superstar and think “creep, avoid” rather than having my judgement impaired. i wouldn’t say it was pure ecstasy but i’m kinda glad it wasn’t for my first time like i was still me it was still me just more open less afraid to say things and to be affectionate and i could just be totally honest like i noticed that chris wasn’t dancing with me much and he hadn’t really wanted to be kissed earlier so i just straight up asked him if he wasn’t dancing with me because he was afraid i was gonna kiss him like sober me could never have done that unless really like messy drunk

crashing kinda sucks cos i was just suddenly tired, and on the way back from maccie’s to jack’s it’s like i got one second of focus and one second out just alternating for a while, focussing on anything was really fucking hard. i think i tried too hard to focus, next time i need to just let it go a bit more. and the morning after started fine like i was cool, but now i feel more hangovery, i’ve got a headache and my balance isn’t exactly impeccable. my mouth still wants to move and my relationship with pain is becoming maybe relevant again but it’s nothing i wouldn’t take again for that kind of a night

so yeah the night itself i won’t go into all the detail but like i remember all of it, it’s just a bit blurry and it went a lot faster than expected. 

when i first kissed will i did that lip biting thing that he seems to love a lot and he accused me of practicing. had not. yeah and jack also told me again so i’m still a good kisser

i put my hands in people’s hair and kissed their cheeks and when people were outside at superstar i didn’t wanna sit on the grim floor so i asked will to sit in his lap and we chatted to other people and to each other and at one point i was talking to him and I suddenly got what Bradley meant when he said that something happens to my eyes when I want people to kiss me but he waited until I’d finished talking and i’m pretty sure it was really great kissing someone while in their lap

i spent pretty much the entire time holding on to someone’s hand like I don’t think I got the need to squeeze things as much as Will gets but it kept me able to walk properly, like being able to notice changes in elevation and able to focus on where i was going which was real tricky at times

also, turns out i’m a REAL FUCKIGN NERD because literally i was off my face on ecstasy sat on a curb on a street outside a club sat in a high guy’s lap and talking to another guy who was extremely drunk, and what were we talking about? we were talking about marvel verses dc. are you fucking kidding me.