I'm currently working out the details of the Thanksgiving special i said I wanted to make, but for now, enjoy this mess i had in mind for probably the last week 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The Nativity Play..... Gone Horribly Wrong
*In a room on the meteor that the team decided to claim as the auditorium, everything is currently set up for a play Lisa is directing...... Not just any play, but of all things, The Nativity play*
Lisa:*sitting in the front row, a proud look on her face as the play is minutes away from starting*
Rose:*sitting in the front row with her and Dave*........ Lisa, are you really sure this is such a good idea? I know by now it would be close to Christmas on Earth, but...... maybe there are better stories you could have chosen for a play?
Lisa: Come now Rose, what Christmas play is better than The Nativity? I know Christmas is all about having fun and appreciating what we have in life, but we still need to maintain the spiritual element its always had! We still need to remember the very person who's the reason we started celebrating this holiday!
Dave: Lisa..... Rose and I get what you're saying, we really do...... But keep in mind that the 3 of us are the only ones on this meteor who know anything about this story. Not just that..... *looks in the seats behind them, where Kanaya, Terezi, Vriska and Feferi sit, before looking back to Lisa* Us included, there's only 7 people in this audience since you cast everyone else in this play.
Lisa: Hey, whether you're in the play or in the audience, everyone will hopefully still take something from this story that will stay with them for years to come. Human or Troll, I really think we can all learn something from God, and the story of Jesus ^v^
Rose:............... I'm glad you're so optimistic about this..... but i have a feeling this won't go the way you're hoping it will......
Dave:....... You and the others have been rehearsing for what, a week? How did that go?
Terezi: Oh, trust me, there was a lot of screaming during rehearsals...... Half from Lisa screaming at everyone, and half from Rosali practicing her impression of a human female giving birth. *chuckles* We're all in for a treat tonight...... But I hope you all brought earplugs for Rosali's big moment.
Dave:...................... Oh no.
Rose:*has a subtle look on her face like "Here we go", like she's bracing herself for a disaster of a show*
Lisa:*looking at the watch on her wrist* Alright..... 3....2.....1...... *rolls her copy of the script into a megaphone and shouts into it* ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Everyone in the audience flinches at Lisa's shout, just as Tavros quickly stumbles out onto the stage, wearing all white clothes, Angel wings and a halo*
Tavros:......... Uhhhhh........
Vriska:*just grins up at him like "You're totally gonna fuck this up, loser!"*
Tavros:*paralyzed with fear for a moment*..........
Lisa:*whispers harshly* Tavros! Say your lines!
Tavros: !!!!!! Uh..........*gulps* Nazareth, 0 BC....... A glorious night, for this is the night a young virgin woman learns she has been chosen to bring forth a miracle onto Earth...... That miracle being the birth of the Son Of God himself...... I, his messenger Angel, have been tasked to bring her the news........
Rose:..............*mutters to herself* This is all so wrong.......
Dave: Rose..... its a play, this will probably be over in like 30 minutes......
Rose:......... I know, but...... between 3 humans who know this story and 12 Trolls who don't even care for it........ *shakes her head* What made Lisa think this was a good idea?
*The curtain opens to show the setting to look like how a home in 0 BC would have looked, while it also shows Rosali on a mattress pretending to be asleep, having been cast to play as Mary*
Tavros:...... Uh...... Awake, Mary!
Rosali:*opens her eyes and pretends to wake up, acting startled as she sees the Angel before her* ! Oh! What in Heaven's name are you??
Tavros: I am..... Uh......... *goes quiet, having forgotten what his character's name was*
Lisa:*whispers* Gabriel! Your name is Gabriel!
Tavros:*trying to listen to Lisa, but his nervousness keeps him from hearing clearly*...... I am the Angel, Lucifer!
Lisa: 8D.............................
Rose:*immediately slaps her hands onto her face*
Dave:*covers his mouth, trying so hard not to laugh*
Tavros: Yes! I am Lucifer, and I have come to give you good news, Mary! You have been chosen by God to uh.... Be the mother of his son...... he shall be named Jesus!
Rosali: Wh--.... Me? Chosen to carry God's child? How can it be so? I am not married, why would He choose me?
Tavros: Do not doubt yourself, for, uh..... God sees much value in you.... He knows you would be perfect to raise Him, and so..... it shall be...... Make preparations, for, uh, all will change in the world when He arrives...... Uh..... Okay, you can go back to sleep now...... I must go let Him know i told you the news.....
Lisa:.....*mutters, trying to keep her cool*...... Where's the zipline for his wings??
*As if on cue, someone backstage quickly pulls the string to pull Tavros up off the ground so it looks like he's flying, but they end up pulling so hard that Tavros hits the ceiling multiple times, causing him to scream in pain each time as he hits his head, before he's pulled backstage, the sound of glass breaking multiple times somehow following soon after*
Rosali: !!!!!!!!!........*looks horrified, wondering if Tavros is okay*...........
Lisa: He'll be fine! *shouts into her paper megaphone again* NEXT SCENE!
*The curtains close, and everyone waits for almost a minute as everyone backstage gets ready for the next scene...... Finally, the curtains open to reveal the very image of Rosali, wearing a gown and a blue veil over her head while she has a watermelon under her dress to look like she's pregnant, riding a wooden donkey on wheels that Eridan is pulling by reins on its face, while he's wearing a tunic, a fake beard and also carrying a shepherd's cane in his spare hand*
Feferi and Kanaya:.............*cover their mouths, trying not to laugh out loud from how Eridan looks in a fake beard*
Vriska:*not trying as hard, as she just laughs into her balled up fist*
Terezi:...... Fill in the blind girl, what's funny?
Vriska: Eridan...... He looks so fucking stupid in fake facial hair xD
Lisa:*growls in annoyance at the girls' laughter*.......
Tavros:*on the side of the stage, still narrating, covered in bruises from his accident* And so, uh, Mary, and her betrothed, Joseph, made the journey to Bethlehem, to escape those in Nazareth who wished to harm Mary and the unborn Jesus....... It, uh, wasn't long before the Son of God would be due to arrive, so they really needed to find a place where Mary could safely give birth........
Rose:......... Lisa? Considering how horrified these guys were at first when they learned how human reproduction works, how exactly did you manage to convince them all to do this?
Lisa: Rosali didn't need convincing, she was immediately on board with this. Nepeta was easy too since her part doesn't start until after Jesus is born...... The boys however? Heh.... a Mind Player has her ways B)
Dave:........ You blackmailed all of them somehow, didn't you?
Rosali: B) I did.
Dave:............. You're so fucking evil.......
Lisa: I won't give away all the details, but my convincing towards Sollux involved copious amounts of alcohol.
Rose:................. The devout Catholic girl bribing an alcoholic....... huh. *directs her attention back to the play*
Rosali: Joseph, is Bethlehem much farther? Its getting dark.... and i think our son will be here soon.......
Eridan: Not too far, Mary, I see the towwn just up ahead! Once wwe get there, wwe can ask around and see if anyone wwill givve us shelter--
*Suddenly, the wooden donkey breaks and collapses, and Rosali falls to the stage with a loud yelp..... it doesn't help that the watermelon under her dress is quickly crushed between her and the hard floor, causing dark pink watermelon juices to splatter all over the floor and on the inside of her dress*
Lisa: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *freezes up in her seat, staring in horror at the disaster of a scene before her*................................................
Rose:.......... Oh god............
Vriska:*bursting out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at this* xD
Eridan: !!!!!!!!!!!!! *hurries to help Rosali up on her feet, careful that she doesn't step on any wooden splinters from the broken pieces* Rosali, are you okay???????
Rosali:*groans as she stands up, but quickly shakes it off* I'm fine, just a little tumble! ^v^ The donkey probably wasn't-- *sees the red stain on her dress from the squished watermelon*...... Oh dear...... maybe a watermelon wasn't the best idea.........
Lisa:...........................*yells into her megaphone* NEXT. SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Eridan and Rosali look to Lisa and the others with wide eyes as she raises her voice, just before Tavros runs backstage as the curtains close, and another minute passes before they open again, this time showing as Eridan and Rosali's characters have arrived to Bethlehem and are trying to find shelter, Rosali having picked a completely different item to replicate the pretend baby bump she's meant to have*
Equius:*wearing a tunic as he plays the role of the man who turned Joseph and Mary away* I'm sorry, but, I have no more room in my home..... you'll need to find somewhere else to stay.......
Eridan: Wwhat???? Come on, man! Evveryone else turned us awway, you're the last one, and you're gonna turn awway a pregnant wwoman like them too?? For God's sake, she's going to go into labor any minute!
Rosali: Joseph, its fine, really......
Eridan: Its not, Mary! Wwhere are you supposed to havve the baby at this point??
Kanaya: Huh..... *whispers to Feferi* Eridan is really nailing the role of a concerned father to be.......
Feferi: Yeah, i noticed that too......
Rosali: Well...... There is another option..... There's a barn just up ahead of us.....
Eridan:......... A barn? Full of animals? Mary, do you knoww how completely unsanitary that could be?? Wwe are not--
Rosali; No one will let us into their home, Joseph, what other option do we have?
Lisa:*smiles, now satisfied that nothing is going wrong, ecstatic at the tension being presented by both Eridan and Rosali's acting* Yes.....! Yes! I knew i made the right option making those two the stars....... *shouts into her megaphone* NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*The curtains close and another intermission lasts for about a minute, until the curtains open to reveal Eridan and Rosali again, this time with fake farm animals in the background which resembles a barn from the time period this play takes place in*
Terezi:*seeming to already know what's coming* Oh no........ *pulls out earplugs and places them in her ears*
*Just then, the 3 Wise Men appear on the stage carrying their gifts for the soon to be born baby, played by Karkat, Gamzee and Sollux...... the latter whom, based on his staggering and the look in his eyes, is clearly drunk*
Lisa:*immediately notices the inebriated state of the yellow blooded Troll, an unreadable expression on her face*.......................
Feferi:*notices this at the same time as Lisa, her eyes widened as she looks up at Sollux with shock and disappointment*.......... Sollux.......
Kanaya: Oh no.............
Terezi:*sniffs the air, catching the strong whiff of alcohol*...... Oh no........
Vriska:*grins, excited for how horribly wrong this is all going to go* Oh yes!~
Dave and Rose:...........*slowly turn to look at each other, both collectively having a bad feeling about all of this*
Lisa:........ Who the bleeding feck drinks BEFORE THE BIG BLEEDING SHOW?????????
Rose: Lisa.......... You were the one who bribed him...... what the hell is wrong with you?
Karkat:*sighs, wanting to get this shit overwith, rolling his eyes* We are the 3 Wise Men, and we bring gifts for your...... omnipotent, miraculously spawned demigod child........
Lisa:*growls and clutches the script* Thats not the fucking line......! You're not even trying, Karkat!
Karkat: Look, its not my fault this fucking story makes no sense!
Lisa: Maybe to you it doesn't, but this fecking story meant something to a lot of people on Earth, and I'm not going to let this Christmas tradition die just because Earth is gone! Now, put some more bleeding effort into your fecking role!
Karkat:*growls, looking back to Eridan and Rosali* i bring you both and your spawn the gift of Myrrh..... whatever the fuck that is.
Lisa: Karkat!!!!!!!!!!!
Sollux: Huh.......? *looks to Karkat, but its clear he can't see clearly, slurring his words as he speaks* What..... No, I thought I had Myrrh.....
Karkat; No, Sollux, you have Frankincense! You would remember that if you spent less time downing every fucking bottle of alcohol in your path, and more time practicing your lines for whenever we do these bullshit plays!
Sollux: Fuuuuck you, Crabkar....... I'm pretty fucking sure I'm the one carrying Myrrh......
Karkat:....... Did you just call me Crabkar? God, how drunk are you, man??
Sollux:......... I only had a beer, nothing that strong.........
Lisa: KARKAT! SOLLUX! STAY ON THE FECKING SCRIPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gamzee: Well, while these mothafuckers are trying to figure out who had what ^v^ I brought gold for the little mothafucker!
Lisa: GAMZEE! MOTHERFECKER WAS NOT A WORD BACK THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NONE OF THE WISE MEN CALLED BABY JESUS A MOTHERFECKER! THEY'D BE BURNING IN HELL FOR THAT IF THAT WERE THE CASE!
Vriska:*leaning over in her seat, low key dying of laughter with her face covered* xD
Gamzee: My bad, girl! Anyway, where's the little--
*As if on cue, using as much of her vocal strength as possible, Rosali, while laying in a bed of fake hay with Eridan by her side, lets out the loudest, deafening, most realistic scream she could muster, putting on an amazingly realistic act to impersonate a woman going through the pains of labor. Lisa doesn't flinch at this, just grinning like a maniac, while Dave and Rose are quick to cover their ears, Terezi is completely unphased thanks to her earplugs, while Vriska, Kanaya and Feferi all just look up at the stage in horror, Karkat and Gamzee horrified by the sound as well while Sollux is too drunk to even realize whats happening*
Kanaya:*says nothing, her face frozen in unspeakable horror at that sound*..................
Feferi: OH GLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *quickly jumps over her seat to hide behind it, not even wanting to witness a fake labor scene*
Vriska:................................. I know we made the humans, but who's fucking idea was it to make them reproduce like this?????????
Kanaya: Don't look at me! I had nothing to do with that decision!
Feferi:*covering her ears* Just tell me when its over.......!
Dave: You see, Lisa?? Sollux is fucking hammered, but look, you traumatized Karkat, Gamzee, Vriska, Kanaya and Feferi!
Rose:............ I know this is fake, but why is Eridan handling this so well?
Eridan:*despite all the chaos, he's still focused on his role as Joseph, as he sits between Rosali's spread legs, acting as if he's helping her deliver a baby* Come on Mary, push!
Rosali:*screams more and more, loud enough that it'll be a miracle if no one has gone deaf by the end of this*
Eridan: I can see its head, Mary, one more push!
Rosali:*screams as loud as her vocal chords will possibly let her, leaning her head back, making this look almost too real for everyone in the room*
*The screaming finally stops as Eridan suddenly pulls out a baby doll, holding the doll by its head*
Eridan: Its a boy!~ ^v^
Lisa:...................................................... Eridan?
Eridan: Hm? 0v0 *looks down in Lisa's direction*
Lisa:................. That's not............ How you hold....... A FECKING BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dave: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *quickly jumps a few seats down, trying to get as far away from Lisa as possible*
Lisa: YOU DON'T HOLD BABIES BY THE FECKING HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *her accent gets thicker as she goes on a whole tangent* WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, AMPORA???? SERIOUSLY! DID YOUR LUSUS HOLD YOU BY YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A BABY?? IS THAT WHY YOI HAVE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH YOU?! OH WAIT! I FORGET! YOUR LUSUS WAS A SEAHORSE, HE HAD NO FECKING ARMS! AND OF COURSE NONE OF YOU ARE TAUGHT TO HAVE ANY PATERNAL OR MATERNAL INSTINCT, SO YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO CARE FOR A BABY, LET ALONE HOLD ONE! FECKS SAKE, I SHOULD HAVE HAD KANAYA PLAY JOSEPH INSTEAD! OR EVEN DAVE, AT LEAST US HUMANS KNOW HOW TO HOLD A BABY!
Rose: Lisa............
Lisa: YOU HOLD A BABY LIKE THAT, SO MANY THINGS WOULD EVENTUALLY BE WRONG WITH IT! YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER WILL NEED TO WEAR A HELMET ALL THE TIME JUST TO SURVIVE! THEIR SPINE WILL BE ALL FUCKED UP AND THEY'LL NEED A NECK BRACE! AND WHEN OTHER KIDS AT SCHOOL ASK THEM "What happened to your neck, Eridan Junior??", YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'LL SAY?! "MY DAD HELD ME BY THE HEAD WITHOUT SUPPORTING MY BODY ALL THE TIME WHEN I WAS A BABY!"
Rose: LISA! *places a hand on her shoulder* Just...... calm down, okay? We're still at the finishing parts of the play.
Lisa:.......*sighs, running her hand through her hair* You're gonna be a shite father years from now, Eridan! That's all I'm fecking saying!
Eridan:*just stands there on the stage, a mortified look on his face as he slowly positions the doll so he's holding it correctly*............ *his fake beard falls off his face and on the stage*
*Just then, one of the fake animals, specifically the goat, loses its leg as it falls off, and the goat falls over next to Rosali*
Rosali: !!!!!!!!!!! *lets out a shocked scream from the animal landing so close to her*
*Just then, the sound of VERY offbeat drum playing can be heard as Nepeta walks onstage with a drum strapped around her, clearly meant to be dressed as The Little Drummer Boy*
Nepeta: Um....... 🎶 They told me to come, pa-rum pum pum pum
To see a new baby prince pa-rum pum pum pum
I bring the gift of music to you pa-rum pum pum pum 🎶
......... 🎶 I forgot all the words and now I'm just trying to inprovise pa-rum pum pum pum
I play my best for the special Grub pa-rum pum pum pum 🎶
Lisa:....................*covers her face and leans over in her seat*........... Can this get any worse......?
*Suddenly, the baby doll's head falls off*
Eridan: !!!!!!!!!! Oh cod! *quickly reaches down for the head and tries to fix the doll*
Gamzee: !!!!!!!!!!!! Oh shit! Baby down! It's decapitated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lisa:................. Eridan? Fix the doll and give it to Rosali so she can put it in the manger...... Now.
*Fearing for his life at this point, Eridan quickly fixes the doll and gives it to Rosali, who holds it for a minute, then slowly puts it in the manger*
Lisa:............. I don't even care anymore........... SHITEHAWK! GET OUT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Having somehow gotten stuck on the zipline again, Tavros ends up falling off, from the ceiling, and makes a hard landing on the stage, causing Karkat and Nepeta to jump back, while Gamzee is quick to hurry and check on him*
Tavros: Owwwwww........ Did you guys hear my ribs crack?..........
Lisa: TWAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAY THE ENDING SPEECH!
Tavros: !!!!!!!!!!!! Uh, right! *quickly gets up on his feet, dusts himself off and faces the audience again* Uh....... and so, Jesus was born....... Uh...... Many celebrated the birth of the Son of God....... Uh...... BC became AD........ Um........ and soon, when all was safe again, Joseph and Mary went back to Nazareth, where they raised Jesus together........ He would then go on to help lots of people and give them a hope like no other, and be remembered as the greatest savior in history..... and, um..... thats it....... The end......
Sollux:..............*his cheeks turn yellow, suddenly looking very sick*
Karkat:........*his eyes widen, knowing that look* Oh no..............
Eridan:................... Sollux, DO NOT--
*In that moment, Sollux suddenly begins to throw up as a result of how much he drank, except all the puke ends up getting all over Tavros, this not stopping for probably half a minute until Sollux's body is finally done rejecting whatever it needed to get out*
Sollux:...............*falls forward, landing facefirst on the stage floor and passing out*
Tavros:*stands frozen where he is, his arms raised up, an unreadable look on his face from being covered in puke*.......................
Gamzee:.......................... Tavbro?--
Tavros:*lets out a scream of disgust as he immediately jumps off the stage, for a moment actually looking like a flying angel until he lands on the floor, quickly running out of the auditorium and to the nearest shower* EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lisa:......................................
*The room is stuck in an awkward silence for a moment....... Until Vriska stands from her seat and is the first to clap her hands*
Vriska: Haha!!!!!!!!!! Even as much of a disaster as this was, this is the best first Christmas play I've seen! XD
*Slowly, out of a need to support everyone involved in this disaster of a play, Terezi, Kanaya and Feferi all stand as well to applaud everyone, as do Rose and Dave*
Lisa:.......*looks up at them all, amazed they're actually applauding*..........
Dave: Hey..... It was pretty entertaining, in it's own way.
Rose:*gives Lisa a slight smile* Was it everything you hoped it would be?
Lisa:......... Not exactly, but...... thank you all anyway........
Rose: Of course, but...... maybe next time, lets try something different, like The Nutcracker. *chuckles* Maybe Equius and Nepeta can be The Nutcracker and Clara.
Lisa: Yeah..... sure...... *pauses*......... Hopefully it goes better on Easter when I start organizing a play for Jesus' crucifixion. I already decided to have Karkat be the first to audition for the role.
Rose and Dave:*look at Lisa with horror on their faces*.....................
Rose: Lisa, no. Just no.
Rosali:*sitting near the manger holding the baby doll, Eridan next to her* Heh....... human performing theater is definitely something, isn't it?
Eridan:....... This one was definitely something.
Rosali:......... Since its over now, I think I'm gonna go backstage and get back in my clothes. *leaves and goes backstage*
Nepeta: I'll help Fefurri get Sollux to bed..... *carefully picks up Sollux and drags him off the stage*
Gamzee:....... I'm checking on Tavbro..... *leaves the stage too to go look for Tavros*
Karkat:............*looks to Eridan and walks to him, remembering his face when Lisa berated him earlier* Hey....... don't let Lisa's psycho rant earlier get to you, okay? Its just a doll..... besides, I don't know why she was going on about that, raising wrigglers is a human thing anyway. Even when this game is finally over for good, I highly doubt that any of us will be making that choice to be Lussi to a bunch of grubs.
Eridan:.......... I don't knoww, Kar......
Karkat: Huh?
Eridan:....... Rosali and I talked a feww times about it, you knoww howw fascinated she is by humans and howw they raised their owwn offspring..... I'm pretty sure she wwants a future like that one day..... and, wwell...... I don't knoww...... You don't think you'd like to be someone's dad one day, Karkat?
Karkat:*says nothing, just looks at him like he grew 3 heads*................
Eridan:........ Nevvermind, I'm just thinking out loud..... *stares down at the baby doll in the manger for a moment*.......... I'm going to join Rosali in wwhatevver she's doing noww that this shit is done...... *goes backstage to look for Rosali*
Karkat:.............. Why the fuck are these humans having such a weird affect on everyone?
