Saturday 7/4
My head is still a mess. I’ve spent the day watching movies and trying to stay out of my tar-pit of a brain.
I get stuck in loops; coming back to the same questions again and again, never finding any answers that makes sense to me. I’m in that spiral right now. I can’t find my way out. The thoughts of self harm are surfacing. I am wounded so deeply I don’t know how to pack and bandage it. It comes out as anger and sadness, but its true name is Hurt.
I didn’t deserve to be disrespected, neglected, betrayed, and abused.
I am furious at the injustice of it all. I am hurt beyond measure that the people who were supposed to love me did awful things to me. I am sad for them, because they were just selfish, self-involved, hurt people, too. All of us have our own damage. But that damage doesn’t make it okay to destroy the people you claim to love.
I don’t know how to love myself. One of the challenges in my habit building app was to show myself love for 5 days. I had to do a web search on how to love myself. Because I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I’m not sure I truly understand love. And sometimes I think I may be the only person who really does.
My idea of love involves honesty and openness. Talking about the things that are important to you and listening to what is important to them. Supporting each other. Being there. Doing small things without complaint. Doing small things without being asked. Focused attention and frequently demonstrated affection. Apologies when you’ve been thoughtless. Small acts of service. Taking the wheel when they are tired. Relinquishing control when you’re out of steam. Trading sincere kindnesses and complements.
But how do I apply those principles to myself? I am completely disconnected from myself. How do I support my own dreams and goals? I don’t have many. How do I listen to myself? How do I do small things for myself? How do I show myself attention and affection? What does that even look like? I don’t know. I don’t understand it. But I do something off of the self-love checklist every day and give myself a mark in the habit app.
I am lost inside my own mind, and its terrain is foreign to me. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know who will join me on that journey, or if anyone would even want to. There is no guidance from anyone else. It’s just me. So I keep putting one foot in front of the other. But I’ve lost all enthusiasm for life right now. I just want this part to be over. I want to feel safe and loved and cared for. I want to support someone and let them support me. But I am so fucking tired. I regret it every time I open myself to anyone. I don’t want to do it anymore, but I don’t want to be alone, either.
So I’ll just keep hanging on. Maybe the feeling will fade and I’ll remember who I am. Or who I used to be. I don’t like the person I am right now.
