Initiation
My Little blurped on her 3 questions during initiation
I told her I’m mad/upset/disappointed
She took it to heart
Josh recognized my negativity
Messaged me to say I should be her biggest supporter
instead I put her down
I feel like my mom/aunt
I didn’t uptalk the success of initiation and how far she’s come etc.
I just recognized her failure for part one
I didn’t give her a hug when my top broke at the concession of Pt2
I kept saying I wanted to go to the beach
She kept saying she was hungry and wanting to go home
What’s wrong with me
my insensitivity
my ignorance
my lack of mindfulness
it’s not only this semester
it’s all of my life
What’s wrong with me
why am i weak-minded
why am I oblivious
I say I lack social relations
I say I don’t understand
but am I even trying?
[but are these the people I want to try with? / the chapter.
and remember
open-mind. culture. navigate. adapt. all ages, backgrounds.
Culture is different in every age, city, village, state, politics, economic class, etc.
Sociality is different.
If you struggle with social relations now
How do you fare as an anthropologist?
How do you fare in acculturating?]
You didn’t want to learn what “I ain’t no bitch” means
You said it was useless language
Why? How?
He said you were arrogant.
You are a dick.
Why? How?
For choosing to be ignorant
not open minded.
What have you learned in anthropology?
to reject,
to say no,
will not assimilate or acculturate you
to make those social relationships
to make those bondings
to learn to be a member of the culture of others
You failed your purpose of anthropology within DSP
You could not acculturate
you only find faults
AS you are self-deprecating
You bring that negativity to the reflection of the chapter.
But realize you aren’t helping the cause.
With all your words
You aren’t acting otherwise to make it better
(or have you? You may have tried. keep doing it. Though.)
It lacked recognition. So you stopped.
You tried to give it positive notes. Recognition. Appreciation.
But not always do you want to give rewards.
Yet you are scolded when you reprimand.
How then, do you execute or deliver your messages
your meanings
They can be done nicely.
They can be truthfully and straight without hidden messages.
You put yourself in negative light when you say things with hidden meaning that mean well. Why don’t you just say it straight so they get the nice message right away? I don’t know. Power play. Deference if I do so. Masculinity? Not even. Rudeness. Aggression. Why?
I am excited my little initiated
But why don’t I express or truly feel it in my heart?
Am I so lacking of sentiment? Am I to be so embodied with enthusiasm?
I don’t understand how am I supposed to react supportively? I don’t even know how to celebrate myself, or any conception of celebrating and congratulating. I just don’t feel the joy. I don’t understand. Emotion. Culture. People.
Am I so robotic? Am I so cold?
Is it not enough that I wrote a letter?
It’s missing thoughtful content. It only included your message to do what needs be done and leave the chapter. How is that inclusive and sentimental, individualistic and caring to her specifically? and not again, about you and your ideals, or you living through her, your standards. No. That is what it should not be about.
I don’t think an apology letter is necessary for the upset I vocalized. I think a letter of deep . idk what adjective. (recognition for her sacrifices and struggle with time management through pledging) is what needs to be done.
Although she said the process was easy. There were things she spoke to Ethan about that I didn’t hear. My relationship with her is thin. I’m not sure how I affect her in the position of big. I don’t want to come off lesbian in anyway o___o”
I’m still missing the point. I shared disappointment. Not encouragement.
J said to mention
- what I admire her
- hope she makes friends, memories in dsp.
- remember I am a listener and supporter
- make it stoic and diplomatic.
- shed light on my worries (and how she like beat them probably)