Check and Mate, Ch. 5: Waking Up With the Other Side
Janus wakes with Logan still in his room. And Janus isn't the only one who knows he's there.
Books referenced: Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman and Absense from Love Poems by Pablo Neruda.
Prev - Waking Up With the Other Side - Next - Masterpost - [ AO3 ] WC: 4192 - Rated: M (suggestive, swearing, Lucas/Remus' dynamic)
Janus woke before his alarm, the room still dim and near silent. His blankets lay warm and heavy over his body. His blankets…
and Logan.
Moving slowly, Janus craned his neck and, were it not for the firm tug where Logan gripped the side of his pajama top and the soft, steady rise and fall of Logan's back under his arm, Janus would have been certain his own eyes lied to him.
With one hand twisted in Janus' pajamas and the other arm curled tightly around him, Logan lay across his chest. Face slack and smooth in sleep, he breathed easily and deeply, content. And so very warm.
Lips so often drawn into a tight, thin line or—increasingly—a trembling frown, now puffed out, pink and oh-so-slightly parting with each exhalation. Brow unfurrowed and lids smooth, Logan's big eyes flicked gently from side to side; the dance of a pleasant dream. No longer hidden behind thick black frames, Logan's lashes kissed the still-barely shadowed skin beneath his eyes; soft, sculpted cheekbones arched over his square jaw, uncommonly, blessedly unclenched.
How long had it been since Janus had seen Logan so relaxed? Years?
Too long, certainly.
As if in agreement, Logan's eyebrows twitched beneath a fallen lock of hair. Carefully, Janus brushed it back, just barely stifling a gasp at his hair's softness. With his hair always so prim and proper, neatly combed back and away from his face, Janus had always assumed Logan's liberal use of some sort of product, a shellac or wax or spray he'd summoned from Thomas' memories.
Janus bit back a chuckle even as his fingers danced along the edges of Logan's hair. No, it appeared, as with all other parts of himself, Logan kept each strand in place through sheer force of will and discipline.
Now, in sleep, his hair fell haphazardly across his forehead, free and lovely.
Silk between Janus' fingers.
Logan shifted and Janus froze, hand mid-stroke. But Logan merely sighed, a half-smile curling up his lips. Another lock of hair spilled over his ear and Janus slowly, diligently, tucked it back into place.
Again, though, his fingers lingered, basking in the soft warmth pouring off Logan's temple, along his hairline, the curve of his neck.
Gradually, Janus lowered his hand until it rested on Logan's shoulder, forearm draped over his. The rest of Logan's arm disappeared between the bed and Janus' back, tucked firmly beneath him, even in sleep.
They lay like that as the Mindscape's sunrise slowly bled through the slits in Janus' blinds and Janus' alarm began its quiet chime.
Soft, less insistent than it usually sounded, it was like the alarm itself was muffled by the peace of Logan's sleep, the calm of their shared repose. Given the strangeness of his own room, Janus' imagining that the alarm itself was reluctant to disturb Logan's much-needed rest did not seem all that impossible.
Eventually, Logan's breathing changed, a deep inhalation followed by a low groan, muffled by Janus' pajama top. Logan shifted, eyes slowly blinking open until they snapped open with a start.
"Janus!" he gasped—croaked, really. Rough with sleep and pitched even lower than usual, Logan's voice rumbled in his chest, vibrations shooting right through Janus' body beneath it. "I… I apologize. I did n—" He started to pull away and Janus reached for him before he could move too quickly.
"No apologies needed… or desired, Logan."
Logan stilled, eyes flicking around the room. Janus could practically see the gears turning in his mind, recalling their conversation from last night. "I shou—Shou—"
Janus watched that worried wrinkle press itself between Logan's eyebrows as the room held back his less-than-honest words.
"I believe I should get up," he finally finished. A glorious spark of pride glimmered behind his eyes at his little honesty workaround. "Don't you agree?"
Janus smiled but didn't make a move to get up. "Only if you wish to." He waved a hand in the direction of the soft strings playing from his clock, then returned it to its place resting in the middle of Logan's back. "Even my alarm seems loathe to force up before you are ready."
Logan squinted in the direction of the alarm clock and Janus plucked up Logan's glasses. Before Logan could move, Janus tucked them carefully into place.
"Thank you," he murmured and shifted to face the alarm. Cheek pressed against Janus' thick flannel top, the mystery had supplanted his instinct to rise. "I do not understand," he said after a moment, turning back and meeting Janus' eyes.
"My typical morning alarm is considerably more… grating. It ensures I am not tempted to linger in the comfort of my bed past when I need to wake." He shrugged, fingers flexing against the blanket draped over both of them.
The electric coils were still warm.
"Your room changes to accommodate your needs?"
"Doesn't yours? The extra soundproofing when you work?" Janus pressed down the smirk trying to force its way onto his face. Ensconced in the thick, soundless space, Remus had spent an hour shouting and pounding out in the hall, trying his damnedest to draw the Logical Side out for that video until finally he ambushed him in the kitchen. "Research materials appearing when you need them? Paper and—"
"The book," Logan finished. He lifted his head just enough to scan the room and his gaze landed on the copy of Einstein's Dream still sitting beside Janus' chair.
"But I ended up reading your book," he said.
Janus smiled. "And did you enjoy it?"
"Immensely," he blurted out, turning back to fully face him.
It seemed Logan was just as reluctant to separate but Janus swallowed that particular observation and nodding, listened.
"There was a poem, Absence… " Logan paused, searching for words with a little frown, but then he closed his eyes and repeated with perfect accuracy,
'My love, we have found each other thirsty and we have drunk up all the water and the blood, we found each other hungry and we bit each other as fire bites leaving wounds in us'
"You'd marked it. Is that you feel about—"
Logan flinched when a dull scrape against the other side of the door interrupted him.
"Shhh!" Lucas' voice hissed from the hall. "You'll wake up the warden, Pup."
"He should be awake!" Remus' cranky morning voice was pitched an octave too low. "Don't care if he has company."
Still curled over Janus chest, Logan stiffened, breath held. Janus hummed softly, an almost purr, and drew his arm a little firmer over Logan's back. "You're safe," he murmured.
Remus continued to kvetch on the other side of the door. "I'm hungry and I need coffee and you took my deodorant away."
The fear painted on Logan's face shifted into… recognition.
Janus couldn't resist leaning closer to whisper by his ear, "Sounds just like Roman, doesn't he?" Logan huffed, an almost laugh.
"And I'm not a pup." Remus' pout was audible. "I'm a hellhound."
Lucas' laughed, low and happy and muffled. "You're my hellhound."
"Ruff, ruff."
"Good boy."
Remus sniffed the air, loudly huffing at the edges of Janus' door. "I can smell his company." There was a scuffle and Remus' voice was quieter. "He's got the Nerd in there."
"How can you—Well…" Lucas sighed. "Listen, pup, if you can make it downstairs without dragging that thing against the walls, you might even earn back a treat."
"You sweet-talker, you."
Logan's eyes followed their retreat down the hall.
"If you're feeling ready, we can join them for breakfast," Janus offered. Logan's stomach grumbled, but he only stared, like at any moment Remus might smash through the wall with his morningstar.
"Or I could bring you something to eat," Janus tried again. "You could stay here."
Logan eyed the door and Janus' hand twitched—the urge to stroke away the worry creasing his brow, to tug away the lip snagged between his teeth nearly overwhelming.
And completely inappropriate.
"No-one can enter this room without my permission."
Logan finally faced him.
"You're safe here."
Face a riot of thoughts and flickers of quickly suppressed emotions, Logan looked down where his fingers still clung to Janus' pajamas. Slowly, he relaxed his grip and drew in a metered breath. "They both know I'm here. I… I don't suppose I can delay the inevitable forever."
"A tautology," Janus chuckled. "Very safe statement in this room. Touché."
Logan's face glowed, soft pink rising up on his cheeks and all the way to the tips of his ears as he looked away. "Under other circumstances, I would think you were poking fun at me, however…"
"However you may be experiencing some of the positives of this room, hmm?"
"Indeed." Leaning to one side, Logan pulled his arm free and pushed to sit.
Like he was tied to him by a string, Janus followed his movement, then forced his legs to swing over the other side of his bed. "Let's prepare to meet this day, then."
~
With Logan dressing in the ensuite, Janus dressed quickly in his room. He lingered over making his bed, though, slow to tidy and smooth away the evidence of Logan's presence the previous night; the untucked corner, the way he'd scrunched the pillow on one side.
Janus waved away their tea cups but left the books where they sat.
Surely by the time night fell, they would have gotten all this sorted and Logan would read his own books tonight. Sleep in his own bed. But Janus' truth whispered to him in the empty room.
And even he couldn't pretend he didn't hope Logan might stay longer.
The door to the ensuite cracked open and Janus dragged his mind away from his musing. "All clear," he called quietly and Logan stepped inside, clad once again in his neatly pressed jeans and polo, tie perfectly knotted. Shoulders curled in, one arm hugged Janus' pajamas to his chest. The other alternated between hanging stiff at his side. And wrapping tight around his belly.
Janus smiled and accepted the pajamas. "Feel better to be back in your own clothes?"
"No." Logan's hand came up to cover his own mouth, eyes wide in horror at the too-honest answer. He shivered and looked away.
"I believe I may have a solution for that." Janus moved quickly to his closet, noting the disappointment flash across Logan's face when he didn't return the pajamas. Instead, he pulled out a thick black cardigan from the back of his closet and presented it to Logan. "Would you like to see how this fits?"
Face scrunched, Logan took the sweater. "We are all the same size, we, share a metaphysical form and—"
"Just put it on, Logan," Janus laughed.
To his surprise, Logan let out a little chuckle. "Thank you," he said, stroking the fluffy knit. He pushed one arm through and let out a low sigh as the black knit enveloped him.
Janus pretended not to notice the way he subtly sniffed at the fabric. Nor the way whatever he smelled made his lips curl up in a brighter smile. Logan hugged the sweater around himself before buttoning it and Janus reached out to tap where the collar nicely framed his tie.
"Better?" he asked again.
"Much," Logan answered quickly, cheeks reddening.
One hand on each shoulder, Janus carefully turned him so he could see his own reflection above Janus' dresser. "Your truth doesn't need to embarrass you, Logan." He winked when their eyes met in the mirror. "Certainly not in here."
~
After one last check of his reflection, Logan waited while Janus donned his gloves and hat. Together they listened when he carefully cracked open the door.
Dishes rattled downstairs, punctuated by a steady thunk-thunk-thunk. Janus sighed and, shaking his head, beckoned Logan to follow him out in the hall.
"That doesn't sound good," he murmured close to Janus' ear. In the chill of the hall, his breath was warm against Janus' skin. Welcome.
Janus shook his head again. "It's not." Then he gave Logan as reassuring of a smile as he could manage. "But I've heard worse."
The thunking stopped and heavy boots pounded up the stairs. Arms out and crook in his hand, Janus moved between Logan and the top of the staircase just as a familiar grey-streaked head popped into view. "You two finally done doing the nasty?" Remus grinned, too-wide eyes taking in Janus' protective stance. And Logan's sweater.
"Re, what're you—" Just behind him, Lucas stopped short.
"Told ya he had company," Remus taunted, shifting his morningstar from one shoulder to the other.
Lucas peered over Remus' shoulder and flicked away the spiky end. "Well, fuck. You were right."
"So how was it?" Remus laughed, sauntering up the final few steps.
"Remus…" Janus loosely fisted his hand, a tug on the leash.
"Rude," he sucked his teeth, forcing the word out. Remus stared back, defiant. "You didn't invite us to watch."
"Re," Lucas began, rolling his eyes.
"Okay, me to watch. We always—"
Lucas' voice came out in a growl. "Re!"
"Fine!" He laughed, one hand pressed to his heart in an uncanny impression of his brother. "I always invite you, Jannie. Somebody around here's got manners." He licked his lips and let his eyes trail up and down Logan's body. "So did you get railed last night or did Jannie take it like a champ?"
"I didn't just fuck Lo—" "That's none of your—"
They each fell silent and Janus' ears buzzed with the differences in their responses. He kept his crook raised high between the dynamic duo and Logan, one hand ready to silence Remus if he started in on him again.
"Yeah, I coulda told you that," Lucas shrugged. "You're both entirely too pissed to have freshly fucked." He looped one arm around Remus' waist. Holding him back or claiming him, Janus couldn't tell.
"Oh, well, if that's the case," Remus shimmied his shoulders and disappeared, popping up again just behind Logan.
To his credit, Logan barely flinched.
"If Big D doesn't do it for ya, I'd be happy to take anything you had to offer."
"Re!" "Remus!"
Lucas and Janus whipped around, crook raised and orange fire crackling between Lucas' fingers.
But Logan's response stilled them. "Doubtful." He adjusted his glasses and turned to face Remus, back ram-rod straight. "I am uncertain you could properly receive all I have to offer."
"Woo-wee, Logan!" Remus cackled as Lucas stomped forward and grabbed him by the back of the neck. "Didn't know you had it in you. Well—" He laughed, eyes darting over to Lucas. "Well, that I coulda had in me? Pretty please, Lukey? With Logan on top?"
"No!" Lucas and Logan said together.
"Well, poopy," he pouted, again looking more like his brother than the big bad scary Intrusive Thoughts of Thomas' psyche.
He inched closer to Logan. "Can't hurt to ask."
"It can if you keep it up," Lucas glowered.
"Oh, you promise?" He clapped his hands together as Lucas dragged him away from Logan's side.
Lucas growled but even Logan seemed to note how carefully he gripped Remus. "I might but it's not much of a punishment when you just enjoy it."
Remus beamed like he'd been given a prize. "I do, don't I?" Wiggling free of Lucas' admittedly lax grip, he faced him, lips pursed and leaning in for a kiss.
Orange flames extinguished, Lucas carded his hand through Remus' hair and kissed him softly.
Logan watched them for a moment, expression smooth and unreadable. Guarded. He tugged Janus' sweater a little tighter around himself and eventually looked away.
Finally, Lucas gave them a little wave and led Remus back to his room. Logan then turned to him, a riot of emotions hiding behind his eyes. "You said there might be coffee?"
Dismissing Lucas—and Remus—with a nod, Janus smiled back at him. "Right this way."
Even after Lucas' bedroom door slammed shut, Logan remained quiet as they made their way downstairs to the kitchen. The counter was barely visible beneath teetering stacks of sticky mixing bowls and kitchen gadgets and the sink was filled past the faucet with crud-crusted pots and pans.
Biting back a growl at the state of things, Janus swept the lot of it into the dishwasher and set it for a pre-wash.
"It will be easier to deal with after that," he muttered to Logan, who was already nodding.
"I do the same after one of Roman's 'artistic' dinner nights," he said, rummaging around under the sink. "Just be sure to set it to—"
"No heat?"
"Patton's pancakes." Logan chuckled and rose, clutching a miraculously clean stack of dish cloths he'd apparently found in some hidden corner of the cabinet. "Lessons we never forget, I suppose."
Despite hours of effort and a gallon of soap and hot water, neither had been able to scour away the remaining pancake batter they'd effectively baked onto the beaters the first time Heart had tried his hand at breakfast. The first time they'd attempted to use the Mindscape's version of a dishwasher.
Janus hummed as he filled the coffee carafe at the sink. "I… I didn't think you remembered anything… before," he finished vaguely.
"Of course I do. I'm Thomas' knowledge." Janus watched Logan pause his cleaning, eyes faraway. ""If he remembers, if any of us remember, so do I." He caught Janus watching him and renewed his efforts to scrub away a sticky spot from the edge of the counter.
A door swung open upstairs and raucous laughter, from Remus and Lucas both, poured down. "See ya, Nerds!" Remus called. "We're headed to my castle! Do everything I would do!" he added. The solid thunk of his door to the Imagination swallowed most of Lucas' response but his tone left its contents clear.
Cheeks pink, Logan's gaze lingered on the stairs, a question burning behind his eyes.
Janus left him to his private thoughts and loaded up the machine with coffee. The coffee scoop scraped the bottom of the bag and Janus turned to search for another. Logan stood behind him, fresh beans in hand.
"Thank you," he nodded, then quietly filled the machine and set it to brew. And waited for Logan to be ready to speak.
He didn't have to wait long.
"Has it always been just the two of them in a relationship? I mean… since…"
"Since Virgil left?"
Logan looked down, hiding his expression behind his glasses. "Well, yes, and…" Trailing off, he opened the cabinet over the sink and scanned the contents for a moment before taking two plain black mugs. "After Lucas… emerged."
"They…" Janus weighed the truth and finally shrugged. Virgil's business was his own and if he hadn't shared his past relationships with the others, Janus wouldn't be the one to reveal his secrets. "Essentially, yes."
"Were you and Virgil—"
"Are you and Virgil together?" Janus asked rather than think about that particular less-than-gentle rejection.
Logan tilted his head to one side, searching Janus' eyes as though he was the one who could tell truth from lies. Finally he shook his head. "No. Never."
Sharp truth cut through the space between them and Janus would've taken back the question if it could erase the frown pulling down the edges Logan's mouth. "Neither have I," he answered. Belated. Too late. "Not with any of them," he added, honesty burning his tongue. "I have not been compatible with…" He waved his hand, letting the gesture speak and, absurdly, wishing Logan's curiosity had struck him upstairs where honesty came easier for him.
Seeming to misinterpret Janus' reluctance, Logan sounded contrite. "I… I apologize for such a personal quest—" his footsteps drew nearer.
"What about you?" Janus whipped around, eyes widening when he saw Logan held sugar and vanilla, cinnamon, and milk.
Where had he found milk?
"I…" he squared his shoulders, throat bobbing above his tie. "I suppose it's only fair to ask," he said with a tight smile. A false smile. "No. I have never been involved romantically or sexually with… any of the others. I am…" Logan set down the collection of bottles and tugged his sweater closer. "I am not 'partner' material."
Janus regarded him for a long moment, dropping his gaze only when the coffee maker gurgled its completion. He filled the first mug and set it before Logan on the counter. As he filled his own cup, Janus watched Logan from the corner of his eye as he first stirred in a teaspoon and a half of sugar before adding several drops of vanilla and milk. He popped in two cinnamon sticks and blew on the brew.
"Excellent taste," Janus murmured.
"Indeed," Logan said with a chuckle.
Using the same teaspoon, Janus scooped up sugar for his own coffee but Logan stopped him, handing him the cup he'd just prepared.
"No, thank you," he said with a small smile, picking up the coffee Janus had just poured. "I take it black."
"Then why—" Janus frowned. He let his words fall away, staring at the little swirls of milk in his cup. "How did you know how I…"
Logan smiled and sipped his plain coffee. "You made yourself coffee the morning Virgil's room reappeared next to mine."
He'd had to lay on the whole Scooby Doo villain routine thick that morning, making a show of swiping bacon fresh from the pan and pouring himself a giant mug of coffee as the others had run about, panicked at the change in the Mindscape. With everyone too consumed with figuring out why Virgil's room had moved again, Janus was certain no-one had even noticed him.
It seemed someone had.
"You know, I think you're right," Janus winked, lingering on Logan's eyes until he was sure his sarcasm was clear. "This isn't at all the behavior of a thoughtful partner."
Logan froze, mug half-way to his mouth for another sip. "I—" He looked away and gulped at his coffee as though he'd find the right words at the bottom of the cup. "I merely remembered how you took your coffee and wanted you to have an enjoyable—ah…"
Janus blew at the steaming rising up before taking a slow sip. "You're doing little to deny the allegations you are a kind and thoughtful person, Logan. In fact, I—"
Their eyes met, the tug of Thomas' sudden call for Logan flickering through the Mindcape. "Excuse me," he said, setting down his nearly finished coffee. "I must go. Thank you for the coffee and… Well, for everything."
"You were such an imposition," Janus said, raising his own cup with a smile.
Logan gave him one more nod and—
And remained in the kitchen.
"Oh, no," he muttered, then closed his eyes, hands fisted at his sides.
Logan didn't budge.
"I… I can't—I—"
Thomas' summons grew stronger and tears pricked Logan's eyes. He trembled, the effort of sinking out draining him.
"Here." Janus set down his cup and offered his hands. "I can take you, I'll—"
"No." Logan shook his head, panic sharpening his voice. "No, they'll know something is wrong with me." He straightened his tie, face wet with tears and sweat. "Go. Go for me. You can…" He make a whooshing gesture between them, his meaning clear.
"Are you sure?"
Logan shrugged but the tremble in his jaw revealed how much this pained him. "You've done it before."
The first time he'd impersonated Logan, Janus had wanted to get caught. And even with his glaring, intentional mistakes; the tie, the slips in language, the sour glances at Virgil… It had taken the others an unbearably long time to recognize he was not actually Logan.
What had been intended as a demonstration of how much the others valued Logan's input and recognized the importance of his presence had instead backfired spectacularly, achieving opposite. Much as the rest of that day had.
And the second time he'd replaced Logan…
Thomas' summons grew insistent, a rough pull strong enough to rattle their mugs on the counter. "Please, Janus!"
The panic in Logan's eyes decided for him and, in a flash, Janus' capelet, gloves, and hat sloughed off and disappeared, revealing a replica of Logan's black polo and jeans. His scales dissolved, leaving behind two matching brown eyes and dark Warby Parkers. He smoothed back his hair into Logan's typical style and began to sink out.
"Wait!" Logan grabbed his shoulder, then tapped the tie knotted around his neck. It was pale blue, the wrong color.
The purple stripes in Logan's tie were the one color he couldn't mimic.
"Take this." Logan tugged at his own tie and looped it around Janus' neck. Carefully knotting it, he smoothed it down, then nodded. "There." His hand lingered over Janus' heart. Could he feel its pounding?
Drumming his fingers to hide the tremble in his own hand, Janus covered Logan's. "I'll be back as soon as I can."
"I know."
Shoulders slumped and hugging Janus' sweater tight around his body, Logan's eyes followed him as he sunk down.
Then Logan was gone and Thomas' living room spun around him as Janus rose up in Logan's spot.