Mar 27, 2017
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Dweit & Pals - The Tomb of the ‘Uber Riches Part VI FINAL
Previous
So anyway...
As the fight of the century plays out beside them, Denarye strikes. Like a bullet, he flies quickly into his target, slashing his left glaive onto Tendorel’s shield. While close, he drops his glaive and takes hold of the shield, and keeps it still while slashing the elven warrior in the side, which causes him to jump back in pain. While Holly is more about power, Denarye is a more refined bloodthirsty. A sort of mix of a rogue’s daggerplay and a warrior’s relentless assault.
He bends down and takes the glaive, focusing on the two elves in front of him.
“Tendorel!” Ace ran forward, throwing a healing spell onto him.
Tendorel kept watch of Denarye, his frown prominent. “I...do not understand you, Denarye. Why are you here? Why are you helping Holly?”
Denarye disappeared from his view, but he knew where he was going. He was going to attempt to intervene, but he was already upon Ace, slashing his glaive towards the priest. She reacted fast, holding her staff up and was able to block the strike.
She never was this close to a demon hunter before. He smelled of brimstone and demons. She desperately wished she didn’t know what those smelled like so distinctly. She kept her focus on him, whose eyes seemed to be glowing underneath his bandages.
“She pays very well.” He told the two of them, his voice grave and disconcerting.
Without missing a beat, Ace smiled nervously. “H-how much?”
Meanwhile, back at the main event, Holly begins to charge forward with a newfound energy bound in her. Dweit’s two wolves struck first, attempting to bite down onto Holly’s small frame. While it succeeded in stopping her charge, the two wolves were soundly slashed through with her mighty axe swing. She struck once more with an arc in front of her, hoping to hit Dweit’s head clean off, but the shaman was quick, sliding underneath the swing and throwing a quick flash of fire into her face, with enough force to send her reeling back.
“GAAAAAAH! YOU COG-SIZED PRICK!” Holly screamed out as she shook her head rapidly to get the fire out and the soot out of her eyes. She snarled, gripping her axe as she sent out another massive cleave down Dweit’s direction.
Dweit reacted fast, sending the sand elemental in to take the blunt of the hit, but the force was still enough to strike partially through the sand, slashing into Dweit’s right arm. “GYAH! THAT HURT, YA HARLOT!”
“GOOD. HOPE YOU AIN’T ATTACHED TO YER HEAD!”
Holly brought the axe behind her and began to spin around. She spun and spun and spun before Dweit realized what she was doing.
Gah, this is the Bladestorm technique, Dweit thought. Tendorel showed me that. He vomited something fierce after.
But Holly kept spinning, no sign of vomit coming. Slowly she began to spin towards her estranged, which caused Dweit to begin running back from the tornado of pain.
“Why ain’t she stoppin’?!” Dweit thought aloud. “Most people would be spent at this point.”
“I AM FUELED BY SPITE, HON!” Holly shouted through the tornado, cackling.
Dweit growled, looking around his surroundings. Seeing a pillar nearby, he smirked. Anything on the earth...
He ran to the pillar, then placed his hand down on the ground. Like before, the sand began to part and rise around the pillar. Turning around, he saw the pain tornado coming and gulped.
“COME ON, NOW. KEEP RUNNIN’.” Holly screamed out.
“SORRY, CAN’T HEAR YA FROM ALL THE HOT AIR YOU MAKE.”
“GRRAAAAAA!” As though she was being held back by a string, she gained a large amount of speed. She was close to bombarding Dweit with the storm.
Dweit, however, was fast. He shifted into a wolf immediately and jumped to the side before it hit him. The tornado stopped with a great slash through the pillar itself.
Holly stopped spinning, spitting on the ground. “Grrrrraaaaaa-...ah?”
Dweit was already about 50 steps away.
“You damn COWARD, TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A M-”
She heard the familiar sound of a crumbling rock. She turned around and saw that the pillar was beginning to fall down. “-....ah...”
Dweit was already running away, unwilling to see what sort of mess he just made. The wolf-y form he wore had a snarly grin on his face when the sound of the pillar falling to the ground echoed around him.
“How’d you do it, Denarye?!” Tendorel shouted out as he slashed his sword at the demon hunter. “How did you get back in time?”
“I’m punctual.” Denarye spoke coldly.
Ace was currently tending to her wounds as the warrior began his assault. She shouted at Denarye, “No one likes a smartass!”
“All evidence to the contrary. You seem to be accompanying two of them.” Denarye retorted before getting smacked in the face with Tendorel’s shield.
“....got you there.” Tendorel replied to Ace.
“Shut up, both of you.” Ace sent out a wave of holy energy into the demon hunter, smiting him harshly.
“Gah!” Denarye shouted in pain, keeping away from the warrior and priest by jumping backward. “Geh...We followed you idiots in.”
“...you came first, though?”
Denarye looked to the two elves with a thoughtful expression, then smirked. “What did that dragon tell you?”
Ace held her staff pointed at the demon hunter, wincing as she began to recollect. “She said someone came into this timeline before us.”
“That wasn’t you two?” Tendorel asked him.
“.......That is interesting indeed.” Denarye had a contemplative look on his face.
“...she didn’t mean you two.” Ace winced. “That means...”
Tendorel turned to Ace. “That means there’s someone else here.”
“Someone else Chromie’s concerned about.” Ace frowned.
“Maybe that’s something we can help with.” Denarye stepped forward, which caused Ace and Tendorel to keep their attention on him.
“What do you mean? Now you want to be buddy-buddy? Your boss is trying to kill OUR boss.”
“Timelines distorted, treasures upon treasures in other times...this could be the work of a demon.”
“A demon?”
Denarye shrugged. “Or some other sort of monster. But for now, I recommend we hold our weapons and work together. There is no profit gained from this.”
“Hm...” Ace looked at the demon hunter. Although they were just fighting, they never truly felt like there was any animosity between her, Tendorel, and Denarye. This seemed like a fight between goblins.
“We’ll have to consider this once our bosses stop killing each other.”
Ace widened her eyes as she heard the sound of a giant thud, as though something massive had just fallen. “Oh, jeez.” She winced.
Dweit ran fast, happy as a wolf could be at that time.
He leaped off a dune and slid down the slope, landing right at the chest. He transformed into his goblin self and laughed heartily. “Hahahah! HAHAHAHA!”
He smiled. “Well, I may have lost somethin’ so incredibly important to me - and also my ex - but at least I got this.” He laid his hand on the chest, sniffing once. “Don’t worry, baby. It’ll be alright.”
He suddenly felt a shiver down his spine. Aw, no...
He then felt a sharp pain in his back as two plated goblin shoes rammed right into it at top speed. He slammed his head into the sands below him.
Above him, Holly was breathing rapidly. “You......you........clever.....bastid!” She slammed her foot into his back, which caused Dweit to shout out in pain, muffled by the sand around him.
“MmmmmMMMph!”
“Can’t....HEAR you!” She stomped again. “You no-good.” -stomp- “Money-grubbin’.” -stomp- “JERK!” -two consecutive stomps-.
She breathed in. Slowly she began to cool down. “Okay.....okay....”
Dweit coughed out, laying his head on the sand. He looked up at Holly. “Okay........uncle...”
Holly looked down at the goblin, a nasty grin forming on her face. “What did you say?”
“I said...you win...” Dweit winced. “All the...gold in the chest...is yours...”
Holly was speechless. She moved her hand to her mouth and began to cackle. “Hehehehe....Hahahaha...that’s so pathetic, Dweeb! Are you really THAT weak?”
“I...guess so....”
“Hehe...well, I accept.” She hopped off the goblin and kept grinning. “At least we both know who the real brains of our relationship was.” She moved her hand to the chest. “Ahaha...after so long...”
She took her axe and smashed the lock in two. “At last....what is RIGHTFULLY MINE-” She kicked the chest open.
....................................................
“..........what is this?”
She reached inside of the chest and pulled out....the exact same hat that she had just torn asunder a couple of minutes before. It looked almost brand-new, too.
“....................”
Her grip was apparently not good, because Dweit immediately snatched it.
“Ahh, I’m glad that chest kept it safe. Putting down the extra money for the air-tight seal was a pretty good investment, if I do say so myself.”
“...........”
Dweit looked over to his two elven compatriots staring at him. “Hah! Hey, guys, it’s all good! I got my hat back!”
Ace narrowed her eyes. “Was....the hat the only thing in that chest?”
“Knowing him? Yes.” Tendorel nodded.
“............w-...”
Dweit looked over at Holly, who did not seem to be registering this current situation. “Oh, don’t worry, Holly Nitwit.” He smiled, reaching in the chest. The only other contents was a single gold piece. “Here you go.” He flipped the coin over to Holly, who didn’t even attempt to grab it in the air.
“...........”
“I know what you’re thinkin’.” Dweit smirked. “‘Wow, are you tellin’ me Dweit made a deal with a dragon to scatter hundreds of time copies of his specific hat across multiple time periods in order to keep it safe and secure just in case someone decided to burn it, tear it, or whatnot?’ Because the answer is yes.” Dweit kept his smirk wide. “Your next line is ‘Wow, Dweit, that sure is a smart idea.’“
“...........”
“Thrall’s balls...” Tendorel winced.
“That is....certainly a way to do it.” Denarye tilted his head.
“I can’t believe that somehow makes sense.” Ace moved her hands to her goggled eyes. “I can’t believe that somehow makes sense for him to do........”
“.............................”
Dweit looked over at Holly, whose expression was slowly changing. “Don’t worry, Holly. We all know you married me for my smart plans and divorced me because you couldn’t deal with how smart they were.”
“.....I....”
Holly’s face was contorting. Her green skin began to seemingly change to a red hue. Her entire being began to burn bright with a heated intensity.
“...........KILL....”
Dweit stepped backward, his smile fading.
“YOU.....”
“Ehehe...maybe I goaded too much. But that’s why you fell for me in the first place, right? My...relentlessness?”
Holly drew in a sharp intake of air. She breathed out, her eyes beginning to turn red. “THIS IS YOUR TREASURE.....THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT?”
“H-hey, I lost everything on Kezan! Deathwing’s an all-or-nothing kinda dragon, babe!” Dweit stepped backward. “I’m not some sort of moneybags. Gallywix took everything else away from me!”
She didn’t seem like she was calming down from this.
“I’m just a merc now! I work for the Horde, same as you! We do what we can!” He kept stepping back. “Come on, Holly, this is stupid.”
“STUPID....YOU.....YOU’RE CALLING THIS STUPID?”
“Yeah! This reaction is really stupid!”
“G-...GAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“Your friend is digging himself into a hole here.”
“Yeah, he...does that.” Tendorel winced. “We should probably somehow intervene. Could you calm Holly down?”
“I...don’t think there’s much I can do. Her heart is burning with the rage of a pitlord an-”
Denarye stopped, looking to the side. He seemed to be seeing something that the others couldn’t. His eyebrows furrowed.
“Well, I don’t know what we could do, Tender.” Ace frowned. “Maybe we get Chromie’s attention, get us out, let her cool down for a year or so.”
“I don’t think that would be wise, either.”
“Hrm....do you have any ideas D-”
Before Ace could continue the thought, the demon hunter had placed his hands on both Tendorel’s and Ace’s heads. With a quick motion, he smacked the two heads together. The impact knocked Ace out almost immediately.
Tendorel winced, moving back. “G-gah...why did yo-”
“LIghts out.” Denarye smashed his fist into Tendorel’s head with enough force to knock the poor warrior out. With a stumble, Tendorel fell next to Ace.
Denarye winced, looking at his hand. “Damn, he’s hard-headed.”
Dweit laughed uncomfortably. “Hehehe....okay, Holly, I know you don’t like bein’ outsmarted, bu-”
“THAT HAPPENS WHEN THE PLAN IS SMART. THIS IS NOT SMART. THIS IS STUPID.” Holly’s voice was high-pitched and close to shrieking.
“You say it’s stupid.....” Dweit laughed again, even more nervously than before. “But who has a hat? I’d call that checkmate.”
“...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”
Holly gripped her hands on the axe and was about ready to send another strike down onto the poor goblin’s face. She was going to rip his tongue out. She was going to rip other parts off. Stomp every part of him until nothing was left but a fine paste and she’d burn that paste into ash and smoke the ash with a fine pipe.
It was then that she felt something prick her on the neck. She winced as she felt a few more pricks. She checked the area of one hit and found a dart was nestled into her skin. She turned around, growling wildly but she was then repeatedly bombarded with darts. She panted out her breaths as her movements began to slow. Her skin changed shade back to green and she howled once more before she fell down to the ground.
Dweit ran over to Holly. “H-Holly?”
“..........Zzzzzzzz....”
He took out his weapons and looked around. “What did...-”
He heard a flintlock click behind him. “Drop the hammers.”
Dweit turned his head slightly, somewhat upset at himself for not noticing before. “...who’s askin’?”
There was a masked goblin that was pointing a long gun towards him. He was dressed in a dark, fairly snazzy mercenary outfit, with a helmet that looked strange and foreign to him. It covered his entire face, but the way the helmet looked, it seemed more like a cycling helmet more than anything. With a grunt, he motioned the gun further. Upon closer inspection, Dweit noticed that the gun was unlike anything he had ever seen before. It was certainly more fancy than anything goblins had ever made.
“I ain’t asking. I’m telling. Drop them now.”
Dweit kept an eye on him, but he soon noticed that the individual was part of a group. They were all dressed in the same uniform and same helmet. Some goblins, some humans, and there even seemed to be a few orcs and gnomes in the mix. He dropped the hammers to the sand. “Fine.”
“Ahahaha...”
Behind the goblin pointing a gun at him, another goblin came forward. This one was dressed in a dark outfit as well, but it looked a lot like a professional suit worn at a business than a normal merc outfit. The face was also covered, but with a large hat rather than a helmet. The hat’s nice and all, but nothing like his awesome one. After the hat, Dweit immediately noticed the heavy scars that seemed to be on his face. The disfigured face smiled, which somewhat unsettled him.
“Ah...Mr. Dveit. It iz so good to zee you again. Auch, as I’m zhure you remember me...”
“.........”
“Haha....zhe one you blew up in zhis very region, Mr. Dveit.”
“...oh, yeah! Snot or somethin’.”
“Commander Schnottz, yez. I am glad you are vell, mine friend.”
“Eheh....as well as I could ever be, I guess...” Dweit looked around, specifically at the location where the elves were, but he noticed that they were nowhere to be seen.
He noticed that some mooks had already come over and grabbed Holly, dragging her away as she snoozed. Schnottz walked forward, moving his arm over Dweit’s shoulder, grinning at him. Dweit couldn’t help but notice that the goblin still smelled like burnt flesh.
“Come, come, Mr. Dveit. Ve haf much to discuss.”
“And then you dragged me into your tent and made me tell you this asinine storytime.”
The scene was back in the tent, Dweit looking fairly annoyed at reminiscing the entire adventure in an abridged version.
He doesn’t know what the word “abridged” means, by the way.
Schnottz smiled. “So...zhe dragon Chromie was zhe one who zent you fife into zhe past?”
“That was what you’re focusin’ on? Yeah.”
“Auch, I’ve listened to your entire story, Mr. Dveit. It vas quite zhe tale.” Schnottz elicited a yawn. “Full of ups and downs.”
“Mmhm..” Dweit frowned.
“Ah...but again, I must ask..” Schnottz leaned over the table, looking closely at the shaman in front of him. “Zhe dragon...vas Chromie, yes?”
“.....yea, what of it?.”
“Zhank you. I zhall execute you tomorrow at dusk.”
“W-...What?!” Dweit stood up and was about to jump over the table, but was grabbed by the throat by an oaf. “mmph!”
Schnottz climbed onto the table and grabbed Dweit’s face gently, smirking with what was left of his own. “Auch..do not worry, mine friend. You zhall be executed by zhe glory of zhe origination...via Schnottz’s ‘Ubergination Palace.’”
“What...a name...” Dweit said through the muffled voice of his face being squeezed and his throat being squeezed further.
“Take him avay, oaf.”
Dweit was slowly dragged out, but not before attempting to get the last word. “Schnottz, the moment my friends get me out, I am going to burn away what’s left of your FACE!”
“Auch, Mr. Dveit...your spirit, it iz commendable..but your friends vould be fools to try.”
As Dweit was dragged out of the tent, he noticed that the tent was nestled right in front of the massive complex that housed the Forge itself...the Halls of Origination. And surrounding the complex was a gigantic army of soldiers and mercenaries, all wearing the same clothing.
Ah, crap...this ain’t good.
The Tomb of the ‘Uber Riches END
Schnottz turned around from the table, going over to his cabinet and taking out a bottle of rum. No matter how much his body stung, it was always calmed down by the warm presence of alcohol upon his lips.
For a few seconds at least. Otherwise, eternal pain.
He sighed, walking over to a nearby chest. “Somezhink is wrong...if zhe bronze dragon girl knows of zhe way I haf been travelink through time...”
He opened the chest, taking out a small hourglass. “Ah, to zhink of zhe trouble zhis little timepiece haf brought. 20 years ago, you brought Azeroth’s armies an entirely new army to defeat...zhe Iron Horde.”
He tossed the item into the air, grabbing it confidently. “I must be cautious. I haf been vaitink too long for zhis.”
He walked over to another flap in his personal tent, opening it up wide. Inside laid the slumbering body of a small gnome with white hair, dressed in an all-too-familiar outfit ordained in bronze markings.
“I knew keeping you alive vas a mistake...Miss Chromie.”
TO BE CONTINUED IN Dweit & Pals: Rebirth of Origination
Dweit & Pals - The Tomb of the ‘Uber Riches Part V
Previous
And finally we made it. Uldum from years in the past. A Titan spectacle beyond...whatever. It’s just a big dumb desert just like the last big dumb desert, only more desert-y and with cat people who hate you. It only has one thing going for it; a bunch of giant obelisks that power a giant triangle in the center that can wipe out the entire planet. And cat people who hate you.
Screw this, I ain’t flowerin’ up this. You’re literally here, you know what it is.
As it turns out, tumbling out of a time portal isn’t going to create an elegant fall. As Dweit was flung into the past, he began to roll painfully down a hill of blistering sand and coarse stone. “Ow. Ow. Ow. OW. OWOW.”
Tendorel soon popped out after, rolling down before leaping up and sliding down with grace.
Ace, meanwhile, floated down the hill with a levitate spell. She smiled and brought the same spell down onto Dweit.
Dweit muffled something in the sand that sounded like ‘Thank you’. After a moment he brought his face out and spat out some excess sand. Slowly he began to float in the air before stopping three feet off the ground.
“So, we’re in the past.” Tendorel stepped forward, taking a look around. “It still looks like the same Uldum to me.”
Ace walked forward. “Tales say that Uldum used to be a jungle, but we were sent into a point in time between when it was a jungle and when the Cataclysm came.”
“I wonder what caused it.” Tendorel frowned. “Is it...”
“Yeah, my money’s on the Forge of Origination.” Dweit pointed out to the horizon. They were far southwest, but the giant structure was still clearly visible to them. The Halls of Origination, which housed the forge that would have been used to reoriginate the entire world. “If it can turn an entire jungle into a desert overnight....hoo boy, what it could do with the world. Ah, but we don’t have to worry about that, do we? We actually deactivated that ourselves, for a tidy profit from that explorer guy. Brand Brozo. No one would be able to use it.”
“Except for this part of the timeline.” Ace frowned. “Still, I doubt we’d have to worry about that from Holly.”
“Nah, I wouldn’t put it past her to use a world-destroying device to kill me.”
“Overkill’s what I’m good at, Dweeb!”
Dweit, Ace, and Tendorel turned around, instinctively bringing out their weapons. There at the top of the dune they tumbled down was the small goblin warrior, posing confidently as she stared down at the trio. “Hehehe.”
“Holly Nimrod...” Dweit pointed his hammer up at the goblin. “Where is my mother?!”
“Ohh, she’s fiiiiine, Dweity.” Holly smirked, resting her hand on her hip. “I wouldn’t kill an innocent goblin without a lil’ reason fer it, hon.”
“You literally decapitated a petty thief.” Tendorel spat out.
“Oh, eyerolllll...” Holly initiated that eyeroll, then smiled. “Dweeb, how long have these guys been your putzes without knowin’ the way goblins work, eh? If they jump at an opportunity an’ fail, it’s their own damn fault!”
“She may have had a family! A mother!” Ace gripped her staff as she pointed it at her. This aggressive attitude made the goblin laugh.
“Yeah, yeah, cry me a river. Look, if it makes ya feel better, she tried stealin’ somethin’ very important to me. I warned her straight-up, but she wouldn’t listen.”
“And the desecration?” Ace stepped forward. “Using her blood for a damned taunt?!”
“Calm down, Goggles.” Holly smirked. “Are you tellin’ me that Dweit never thought about somethin’ like that?”
“Of course he wouldn’t!” Tendorel shouted, then turned to Dweit. “Right?”
“...........eh.” Dweit shrugged.
“EH?!” Both elves looked at Dweit incredulously.
“Hey, hey, calm down!” Dweit stepped back, holding his hands up to both of his companions. “I never act on it. It’s just, sometimes you gotta act out theatrics in the business, sheesh.”
“You goblins are scary.” Tendorel frowned. He then looked up at Holly, his tone lowered to a whisper. “Yet I don’t think I’ve ever met one as scary as her. What do we do?”
“Holly is what I would call a screaming harlot of unhindered rage and spite.” Dweit gripped his hammers tight.
“..........”
Ace sighed, looking at the two. “I think a more proper term is ‘berserker’.”
“Ah. That makes more sense. We can deal with those.” Tendorel smiled.
“Did I forget to mention that her axe was gifted to her by Saurfang himself after almost beatin’ him in armed combat?”
“......wait, wh-”
The sound of Tendorel’s questioned tone was harshly interrupted by a raging scream from the top of the hill. Holly gripped her axe behind her and leaped forward, her entire being seemingly erupting in a heat much too intense for the desert. In a swift motion, she swung the axe full-force towards the group, connecting with Tendorel’s shield. This was momentary, however, as the axe’s motion continued its force which caused Tendorel’s body to be knocked back a few feet to the right, only missing a collision with Ace by a few inches.
Holly landed on the ground and sniffed, her eyes seemingly glowing with vigor. She gripped the axe tight and swung towards Ace, hoping to connect with her head.
With a quick motion, Ace’s magic grabbed Tendorel before he fell and propelled him forward in front of her. With a resolved stance, Tendorel brought his shield up against the strike and held fast.
“Cuuuuuute!” Holly replied with a grin. “That was creative!”
“Thanks, we also do requests.” Tendorel smirked.
“Ooooo.” Holly watched the elf with interest in her eyes. “Then maybe you could dance with me for a while.”
“Sorry, I only got one dance move.” Tendorel brought his leg up. “The Stomp!” At a peak of rage, Tendorel brought his foot down on the ground, causing Holly to lose her footing for just a moment.
This was just enough time for Dweit to leap forward and, with his hands gripped to one hammer, brought it smashing into Holly’s chest. Holly spat out an expletive as she tumbled down the sands before stopping herself with one foot. “Grrrrrragh...” She brought her axe up onto her shoulders, looking wildly up at the three punks that are trying to deny her of what is rightfully hers.
“Give it up, Holly.” Dweit smirked. “You can’t do this alone.”
Holly spat out, grinning. “Wow, you really are impatient. We haven’t even started yet.”
“I know how this works.” Dweit brought his finger to his head, smiling. “You build up your impotent rage, strike out, then inevitably tire yourself out. You don’t think things through, unlike me.”
“Heh...oh, yeah?” Holly smirked.
“Yeah!” Dweit brought his finger to his nose, scratching it with a slight guffaw.
“Heh.....hehe....where’s Denny, by the way?”
“Yeah, where is-!” Dweit stopped scratching his nose, his eyes widening slightly. “......where....”
“Heh...he’s off findin’ the treasure for me, Dweeb. Your mommy told us allllll about it.”
“.........I GOTTA GO!” Dweit was immediately replaced with his ghostly wolf form as he began to run desperately to the west.”
“W-Wait, Dweit, you idiot!” Ace tried to grip him back to her, but he was already too far away. “Dammit...we need to go after him, Tender!” Ace began to run.
“B-but...what about...”
Before he can continue, Holly jumped forward, bringing the axe down on Tendorel’s shield once more. Tendorel gripped the shield and gritted his teeth. By the Sunwell, he hasn’t felt this much power against him since....since Saurfang.
“You’re...pretty strong.” Tendorel moved his shield forward, smiling. “I see someone’s been taking lessons from someone.”
“Hah! I know what you’re thinkin’, Cutie,” Holly winked at him, before she began wailing on his shield with her axe. “But ol’ Saurfang...only helped me find this axe. He didn’t do a thing to train me.”
“Self-taught....respectable...” Tendorel was struggling to keep his balance as he kept his shield up against the barrage of axe strikes. “But as long...as I can distract you...they’ll find Den’ and make short...work of him.”
“Heh...hehe...” Holly gave him a smile. It wasn’t a nasty grin, but an unsettling smile. Something you don’t want to see after a spout of powerful rage like before.
Tendorel’s eyes widened. “Right......not good.” Tendorel brought his legs out and tripped the goblin down to the ground, bringing another shockwave of power to keep her stumbled as he began to run after his friends. “GUYS, THIS IS A BAD IDEA!”
Holly spat out a little bit of blood onto the desert sands as she giggled. “Hehehehe...”
Dweit knew this area like the back of his hand. The heat of the sands below did nothing to hinder his quickened movement as a wolf, focusing entirely on getting to the treasure before the demon hunter did.
He jumped up into the air and transformed back into a goblin, landing squarely in the ground. He began to dig desperately. “Come on, come on.”
“Dweit, stop!” Ace ran behind him finally, panting. “You can’t...this is...a bad...idea.”
“Shut up and help me dig, Ace. I only buried it a few feet down.”
“But....but Dweit-”
“Ah! I’m faster than I thought!” Dweit grinned, moving his hands down into the hole he created. He then began to drag out a decent-sized chest. “Hehe...”
“......that’s...a rather large chest.” Ace frowned. “But this isn’t good, Dweit, he-”
“Heheh...I’m so glad you’re okay...” Dweit moved his arms around the treasure chest, kissing it once on the lockpiece. “I missed you so much. Oh, yes, I did.”
“......”
“I won’t let anyone hurt you....promise...”
“Do you need to get a room?”
Ace and Dweit’s eyes both shot over to the direction of a nearby pillar, where the demon hunter Denarye leaned on. He was looking at the two, an uncharacteristic smirk on his face.
“This was a lot easier than she said it would be.”
“...ah...dammit.” Dweit frowned. “Ace! Why didn’t you t-”
Ace walked over and smacked him angrily on the head. “You idiot, it was obvious from a mile away what they were going to do.”
“Guys!” Tendorel finally ran up to the group, gasping for breath. “You...don’t want to get the chest...they.......they....oh.” He looked over and saw the chest resting on the ground, then looked to the right and saw Denarye, who gave him a polite wave. “.....oh.”
“It’s okay, it’s okay!” Dweit moved his hands to the handles and lifted the treasure chest up. “The two of you, distract the blind idiot! If I know anythin’ about Holly’s energy, then I know she’s probably spent at this point. Probably.” He began walking away. “Jes’....just distract him an-”
A giggle erupted from the gust of sand blowing through the desert. Then, an all-too-familiar roar of wind cut through the sandy dune in front of Dweit, blowing so hard that it brought his hat blowing up into the wind. “Ack!” Dweit looked up. “Dammit, get my hat, too!”
“You’re piling on a lot more on us than we need to have!” Ace shouted out at her leader as Tendorel stepped in front of her, who kept his eye on the demon hunter slowly walking towards them, glaives held fast and ready.
“It’s what you guys do! You’re my pile-drivers! Now drive to pile!” He debated whether he should let go of the treasure to get his hat. It would only take a moment.
But that moment passed.
Holly took the chance to climb up a nearby pillar, gripping her axe as she leaped high in the air. With a show of uncharacteristic grace, she spun a whirlwind in the air once before she finally landed her mark. With a grand smash, she brought the axe through the cloth hat, cleaving it in twain. In that instant, the cloth of the circular brim, the festive gold trim embroidered along the brim, and the padded interior which was added for maximum comfort...all of it was torn into a million threaded pieces. With a mighty gust from its aftershock, the wind brought the pieces up high into the air and scattered them through the various directions of this scorched land.
With a spin, Holly landed on the ground, smirking all the while. “Theatrical, boys and girl.”
..............
Ace’s eyes widened. Tendorel’s mouth was held agape. They both looked like they saw into the void.
For just a moment, the only thing that could be heard was the remnants of that gust of wind blowing out into the airstreams above, and a few ‘caws’ from vultures nearby.
Dweit let go of the chest, causing it to sink slightly into the sand. His hands limply landed onto his sides. The warmth of the lands felt new and fresh upon his balding head. His eyes were dilated before focusing. His mouth was open before closing. His hands formed into fists.
“Rrrrrrrr.....”
Ace and Tendorel stepped back instinctively, wincing. Denarye kept his eye on the goblin in front of him, unwavering.
And Holly...she stood there, smiling all the while.
The earth began to shake. The sands began to shift. Dweit looked over to the warrior, his expression echoing the same expression that Holly had before.
Crazed, utter rage.
He took his weapons out and they both erupted in a blaze of smoldering magma. The sands around him began to take shape of a sandstone elemental, being held together by blasts of wind keeping its shape.
“HOLLY...........”
“DWEIT!” Holly smirked wildly, her hands gripping on the axe. “Come on, honey...bald is IN right now!” She glared at the goblin she once called ‘hubby’, her axe glowing bright and orange. “Don’t be losing your HAIR with every little stressful thing in ya’ life!!” She kept her crazy smile on.
"I’LL F@%#ING KILL YOU.” With a roar, Dweit began to run forward, bringing out two giant spirit wolf companions. Slowly after him was his stone elemental.
“NOT IF I F@#%ING KILL YOU FIRST!” Holly laughed maniacally as she brought her axe behind her, running forward, with every step her rage beginning to reach its peak.
What will happen when these two forces of nature collide? Find out next time.
TO BE CONCLUDED
Dweit & Pals - The Tomb of the ‘Uber Riches Part IV
Previous
So as I was sayin’, we finally got down to the bottom of the cavern. The bronze dragons weren’t exactly excited to see us.
Historically, dragons liked to bury their treasures deep in their lair. For the Bronze Dragonflight, however, they buried entire timelines in their sanctum. Surrounding the wide open space of the cavern, sand seeming endlessly falling down the walls, several dragons in their mortal forms walked around, surveying the lands of broken objects thrust out of time.
The Bronze were tasked with protecting the True Timeline, which involves going back in time to make any adjustments necessary to keep the timeline stable. This can range from making sure a specific ram was resting in a stable for a dwarf to ride it to a decisive victory in the War of the Three Hammers, to making sure specific boxes of grain were left unchecked for the undead plague to run rampant in the city of Stratholme, to making sure the food that a captain eats before a grand victory against the forces of orcs pooling through the Dark Portal doesn’t cause a severe case of indigestion. The “food poison destroys Stormwind again” timeline is a dark one indeed.
The job wasn’t as glamorous as the dragons would like you to believe. A lot of it is busywork. There’s only a select few who take the job with an ample amount of cheer and pep to keep the job enjoyable.
“Hey there, Dweit!” A small gnome smiled and waved at the new arrivals entering the domain. “How was your adventure as a troll ship salesman?”
“Eh?” Dweit tilted his head, scratching his chin in contemplation. “...oh, yeah, those trolls! Yeah, it was fine. One of them was pretty big. Liked beer a lot. Was a little scary.”
“I didn’t much care for the place myself.” Tendorel frowned. He then shot a tiny glance at the bag slung over his shoulder. “Still, it did bring some good memories.”
“Oh, yeah!” The gnome grinned. “How’s the fortune you got after your j-”
Tendorel’s eyebrows perked up. The gnome immediately moved her hands over her mouth. “Oh, whoops. Almost let something slip. Hehe.” Tendorel frowned at this. He’s pretty sure she’s said this to him almost every time.
She brought her focus instead to Ace, who was looking around the cavern. “Ah, and Stephanidel! How nice to see you again!”
Ace smiled, happy to hear someone call her that name with such familiarity. “Same to you, Chromie. It has been a while.”
“Too long.” Chromie smirked. “Or maybe just long enough.”
“Yes, yes, cute.” Dweit rolled his eyes and walked over to Chromie, patting her on the shoulder. “Now, look, we have a bit of a situation on our hands.”
Chromie put her hand on Dweit’s and slowly brought it down. “I know. A fiend has entered another timeline aiming to steal an incredible artifact.”
“Yes! That’s my t-! Wait, did you say ‘entered’? As in, past-tense? Or...I dunno, here, I guess it’s ‘tense’?”
Chromie looked at Dweit’s expression and frowned. “Yes, I am absolutely tense about it. It seems as though they were more well-equipped in their abilities and they somehow took control of a bronze dragon or acquired time magic elsewhere. If this keeps up, the timeline may be in extreme danger.”
“My treasure may be in extreme danger! How could you let someone into my time pocket like that!”
Chromie looked at Dweit apologetically. “Dweit, please understand that your ‘pocket’ isn’t actually a pocket but a part of an entirely different part of time.”
“Wait, wait.” Ace interrupted, walking over to Chromie, kneeling down for a better vantage. “What exactly are we getting into here? Dweit’s been very mince about the mechanics here.”
“Hmm...you never told them, Dweit?”
The two elves looked over at Dweit, who scoffed. “As if this is the first time I’ve kept somethin’ from you guys. Remember how long it took me to tell you I had a mother to begin with?”
“I mean...it was implied.” Tendorel shrugged his shoulder. “That doesn’t really match this, though.”
Chromie coughed into her hand. “I see. Well, to keep time brief, our leader Nozdormu sensed that we would soon enter a new age where our futures became cloudy and unclear...and we were unsure when that would come until it finally did.”
“Deathwing’s defeat.” Ace frowned.
“Mmhm.” Chromie gave a sad nod. “After the mortal champions and the dragon aspects prevented the Hour of Twilight, the dragonflights lost a good majority of their power, and the inability to lay eggs.” Chromie frowned for a moment. “For the bronze dragons like myself, that included the ability to see into the future and to perfectly control the timeways.” She turned around and began to walk down the sandy path, motioning for the three to follow her. “We can send mortals back in time and return them easily, but we cannot police the past so willy-nilly anymore.”
She stopped and looked up to the gigantic magical hourglass erected above the central plateau of the cavern, reminiscing. “It feels like a long time ago...but maybe it was just yesterday.”
Ace stepped to her. “You were saying something about ‘pockets not being pockets’.”
“Ah! Of course, my apologies.” Chromie gave Ace a smile. “With the knowledge that we would one day lose our powers, Nozdormu instructed us to create time portals for every age we can possibly imagine. He felt that this would curb the efforts of the Infinite Dragonflight from corrupting the timeline.”
Ah, the Infinite Dragonflight. A true polar negative of the bronze dragons, they sought to go down the different timeways in order to create their own ideal scenario. To what end was unclear to all but a select few, but all signs pointed to creating the very Hour of Twilight the mortal races were able to prevent. After the defeat of Deathwing, however, it seemed as though the Infinite dragons were also prevented from changing the timeline any more than the mortals can.
“To what end it would aid him is, not entirely clear to me. Unfortunately, the Great Aspect is seldom talkative about that sort of thing.” Chromie let out a sigh. “So, long story short, we have portals that go to a wide variety of times, just in case we need to send a group of 5....maybe 10 or 25 people into harm’s way to save the main timeline from any sort of unfortunate circumstance that wasn’t intended.”
“Interesting.” Ace already had her notepad out, writing in her notes.
“So, am I correct in assuming,” Tendorel stepped forward to the dragon, “that Dweit’s treasure is buried in a period of time that you’re personally keeping an eye on?”
“Mmhm!” Chromie nodded. “That’s correct. This time portal didn’t really have any special distinction or anything. It was just an interesting place.”
“And where’s that?”
Chromie looked at Tendorel with anticipation.
“......and also WHEN is that!” Tendorel spoke with confidence that made Chromie grin with glee.
“Uldum!” Chromie’s grin never faltered. “Specifically Uldum about 10 centuries after the tol’vir sealed it away.”
Ace nodded. “Right. I remember hearing that they put a magic seal around Uldum in order to prevent people from seeing inside.”
“Yes. Because of the Forge of Origination.” Chromie spoke that name with a shiver. “I remember when the Cataclysm came and the mortals finally were able to see inside of Uldum. That structure in particular being in the hands of Deathwing...or even Garrosh Hellscream. It was certainly a darker set of timelines that existed.” Chromie looked away for a moment.
“Yeah, well, they’re both dead, so whatever.” Dweit smirked, finally deciding to chime in after this long and daunting history lesson. “And more importantly, we don’t have time to dwell on that stuff. We need to go into the time portal, get my treasure, and all that.”
Chromie looked at Dweit for a moment. “You will also help me find out how they went back in time, correct?”
“...”
“...I am in charge of that point in time and if they have that power, they can do unthinkable damage...especially THERE.” Chromie stepped forward, looking Dweit square in the eye.
Dweit leaned forward, growling. “Look, you little pain in the rear, all I care about is getting the treasure back. Far as I care, they can go rot in the past.”
“If you want to go to your treasure, Dweit, then you will need to play my rules.” Chromie gave Dweit a cocky smile. She knew there was nothing else that can be done.
He did, too.
“Fine.” Dweit sighed.
“Why did you even choose to hide your treasure like this, anyway? It seems a bit....complicated.” Ace tilted her head as she looked at Dweit.
“Because it was the best way to keep her away!”
Tendorel looked to Chromie. “On a similar vein, why would you help Dweit with such a mundane task? Wouldn’t hiding a treasure in another time be...distorting the timeline or whatever?”
Chromie took a moment to look at Dweit, then looked back at Tendorel. She gave him a smile.
“Because.”
“......that’s it?”
“Of course. I’m a time dragon. Specifically a time investigator. As long as I do my job, I can do a little freelance work from time to time.”
“Anar'alah...This entire mission is getting more and more annoying.” Tendorel frowned. “You guys aren’t giving us anything.”
“Well, if you’re done bellyachin’,” Dweit smiled at Tendorel, then turned his head towards his gnomish acquaintance. “It’s time we head down into Uldum’s past. Chromie, if you would please.”
“Ah, just one moment.” Chromie was looking in her bag. “Let’s see...War of the Ancients...nah. Founding of Orgrimmar...nope. The Exodar landing on Azeroth...nada. Latest drawing on the cactpot lottery? That isn’t even the right universe! Hmhm...aha!” She brought out a small crystalline object. “Here we are, friends. Uldum, long after the scorching of its lands and long before the Cataclysm reopened.”
She moved her hand down to the sandy ground below, whispering a gentle song. The sand began to slowly depart from her touch, which left a hole big enough for her to place the object inside. After a few more words that the trio could barely understand, the sands began to expand out of the ground, pouring sand from the top somehow carving a sandstone-like structure that felt like something Titan-made. The structure began to cave in slowly inside of the center and, after a few more words from Chromie, began to take shape of a portal. The inside looked like another desert entirely, so similar to the one a few miles to the west, yet it seemed almost worlds apart.
“And there you go. You go in, find your treasure, find the source of timeline corruption, stop it, and then you come back to me and everything’s bronze!” She grinned at the trio.
“Wait, you’re not coming with us?” Ace tilted her head.
“Someone’s gotta keep track of the portal back! Besides, mortals can deal in the past but I will absolutely not deal with it myself.” Chromie pouted.
“Fine, fine.” Dweit smirked, then popped his knuckles as he stepped in front of the portal. “So all I gotta do is go back in time, take down my ex-wife, bring back the incompetent dragon that got caught, then we’re golden!”
“...yup!” Chromie smiled, then slapped Dweit on the back. “Good luck, friend!” With the second smack, the force stumbled Dweit so hard that he tripped into the portal.
“YeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”
Chromie looked over at the other two, giving them a smile. “You better hurry, he’ll prooooobably need some help.”
Tendorel smirked, taking out his weapons. “An unknown time...don’t worry, Chromie. This is our time!”
“Hahaha!” Chromie giggled. “That’s pretty good, Tendorel! Two in a row!” She smiled at him. “But seriously, you should probably hurry before he gets killed.”
“Right!” Tendorel grinned confidently as he jogged into the portal.
Now it was just Ace looking at her. Chromie smiled at her.
“....Chro-”
“Wha? Oh no! Did I forget to mention that the portal maaaaaay have sent them into some poisonous scorpid pit? That’s probably something you need to hurry and deal with!”
Ace frowned. “....right. Probably.” She sighed and placed her items into her satchel, stepping to the portal. She looked over at Chromie once, who gave her a smile back. She couldn’t help but smile at the gnome form as she finally stepped forward into the portal.
“Whew...” Chromie sighed, wiping her brow. “Now....if they’re still hiding, then...they shoooould be popping up aboooo-”
shing
Chromie was interrupted by a glaive coming dangerously close to her neckline.Being unaware of her own demise now, Chromie couldn’t help but feel just a slight bit of terror crawl down her spine.
“Ah....there you are.”
Denarye’s face left no sign of anything beyond a cold demeanor. He kept the glaive to her neck before he heard a whistle. Chromie sighed as the glaive was moved away from her throat, opting to look over to where the whistle came from.
“I knew ya’d be the one who’d partake in a crazy scheme like that.”
Holly stepped out of the shadows, smiling with an evil glare. “So, are you dragons just fakin’ yer loss of omniscience, cause ya ain’t too surprised ta see us.”
Chromie sighed. “Your demon hunter friend could hide very well, but you don’t really work well with that. The loose chains from your plate aren’t doing you much good there.”
“Hmph. Well, whatev.” Holly smiled. “So here’s what’s gonna happen, dragon. You’re gonna let me an’ my friend in that portal an’ th-”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“.....huh?”
Chromie dusted her robe off, smiling gently. “I said you can go in.”
“...............huh??”
“We’re supposed to go in, aren’t we.” Denarye spoke with his usual harsh tone.
“Yup! Good foresight.” Chromie smiled. She then frowned, panic forming in her eyes. “Oh, I’m sorry, was that offensive?”
“...hm.” Denarye did not say anything beyond that.
“....welll.....fine, that sounds good.” Holly stepped forward, a menacing glare in her eye. “But if this is some sorta trick, then ya won’t be happy about what I’ll do to ya later.”
“Yes, yes.” Chromie seemed unfazed by that comment. “If you do end up killing them ahead of time, at least promise me you’ll take out whomever is muddying that timeline.”
“Heh. Promise.” Holly smirked. “Once I get what’s rightfully mine, I am going to
With that, Denarye and Holly stepped forward into the portal, but not before Denarye tossed aside a rather large bag. When it hit the ground, Chromie could hear muffled shouts of angry expletives, which made her frown even more.
“Gosh, I hope this works out.” Chromie tilted her head. “I think it does? I can never be so sure with them.”
TO BE CONTINUED
Dweit & Pals - The Tomb of the ‘Uber Riches Part III
Previous
So as I am sure you’re aware, the key to goin’ back in time requires a very specific location that only a few are able to operate in. And fortunately, I am a goblin of surprisin’ amounts of connections. I dunno how you an’ your chuckleheads figured it out, but for me, it was all about connections.
The gusting blaze of midday Tanaris winds did little to hinder the goblin on a mission. It was but a couple of minutes of walking before the trio came before a towering night-elven fort nestled in a mountain alongside a Blackrock CIty armory, a human mage tower and a pirate ship. Strewn about the pathway laid a troll watchtower, an orcish bunker, a dwarven bunker and multiple ships broken in the sandy dunes. All surrounding a gigantic structure reminiscent of a civilization years before them. There, a lone dragon rests.
Among all the landmarks on Kalimdor, there was nothing more understated than the Caverns of Time, which housed some of the most powerful magics in the land.
“We haven’t been here in ages,” Tendorel said, smiling.
Ace and Dweit were exhausted and did not register what he said. Or they didn’t care.
Truthfully, I was too angry at the situation, but I should probably high-five him for that. He, really tried.
“Now let me do the talkin’, guys.” Dweit adjusted his hat. “I’ve dealt with these bozos before.”
“We all have.” Ace sighed. “In fact, we all will have at some point, too. And thus, to them, we’ve already done so. Isn’t that something?”
“Ace, I am ignoring you right now.”
“Hmph.” Ace folded her arms and huffed. Tendorel gave her a pat on the back. No elves will be happy today.
With that, Dweit stepped forward to the dragon, its sandy hue somewhat camouflaging it from a distance. As Dweit stepped closer, the dragon’s ears perked and its eyes opened. “Hrm...”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. ‘Took you long enough’, ‘I’ve been expectin’ you’, yada yada.” Dweit was shrugging his shoulders, then pointed his finger at the cavern. “Me and my friends wanna go down there, but I know you already knew th-”
“Just because I am a bronze dragon,” the dragon sat up and stretched its wings up wide, “does not mean I care an iota about every individual mortal that comes to this place, goblin.”
Dweit sighed, rubbing his temple. “Great, we got the one dragon who can’t make with the ha-has. Look, jokes aside, we need to go past you.”
“Of course.” The dragon yawned. “We have already been told to let mortals into the cavern without much care or worry about irreparable damage to the time stream. What’s a few other mortals today gonna bring beyond chaos and destruction? Clearly just good times and wonderful snacks.”
“How long you been workin’ on your sarcasm, kid?”
“Ages.”
Dweit and the dragon just sort of stared at each other for a moment. This staredown was firmly interrupted by Ace stepping forward. “Steward, did you say ‘a few other mortals today’? Is it the case that there were others that came?”
“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...” The dragon blinked, then nodded. “Yes, that’s right. It happened not too long ago. A small goblin threatened me with an axe and an elf attempted to calm her down whilst carrying a large bag over his shoulder.”
“Don’t talk about my mother like that!” Dweit shouted, gripped his weapon tight and looked ready to strike.
“No, honey.” Ace patted the goblin’s hands, concern on her face. “He means an actual bag. It probably held your mother.”
“........you get a pass, dragon.” Dweit spat out, putting the weapons back on his belt. The dragon smiled, then shuffled to the side.
“Go on, then. It’s not like the three will do any good in there. You can’t enter any portals without a bronze dragon aiding you.”
Dweit smirked. “Then we got a leg up, since I got someone on the inside. Thanks, bud. Go back to sleep, why don’tcha. You deserve it.”
“Hmmmmmm...” The dragon watched as the goblin and the two elves walked forward. “...have a good time in there.”
“Hah!” Tendorel smiled and gave the dragon a thumbs up as he walked past it
“Tender, not everything is a joke about time.” Ace looked over at the warrior, frowning. “Please don’t muddy this serious venture with banter like that.”
“Oh, fine.” Tendorel sniffed, wiping some dust away from his nose. “But we’re the best when we’re funny, you know.”
“Well, maybe next time we’ll...” Ace frowned more prominently. “...just shut up, Tender.”
“I said nothing that time! I only smiled!”
As they began to walk down the caverns, the only light sources that came into view were eternally-lit lanterns from old buildings lost in time and the purple majesty of space and time shown in various cracks of the walls. Mages from all over the world come to this place if only to view a glimpse of the world beyond their sight. Time, in itself, was a presence that the mages mastering in arcane could only hope to somehow reach within their own limited lifespan. The Bronze dragonflight are not too happy with this attention, but they work with the mortals whenever they need to.
“So who’s your dragon on the inside, Dweit?” Ace asked, looking over her notepad as she began to write in it.
“Ah, you know her. We met her a few times back in the day.” Dweit smirked. “Small gnomish girl, had a thing for me. Come on, she’s the one you met a lot, too.”
“.........Chromie??” Ace’s eyes widened. “That Chromie? She’s helping you?”
“Oh, yeah! When I told her about my plan to keep my own treasure safe, she was already on board.” Dweit chuckled, tipping his hat down. “Never underestimate the Dweit charm, Acey. It has felled many a maiden into my loving arms.”
“One of which seems to be keen on chopping them off.” Ace noted for him, which Dweit replied with a huff.
“Holly don’t know what she’s missin’, I can tell you that much.” Dweit stepped forward, passing by a gigantic expanse of space to the right of him. He has clearly been here so many times that he’s used to its ‘majesty’. Either that or he doesn’t give a damn.
Ace frowned, putting her notepad into her satchel and walking beside Dweit. “So, speaking of that..if you don’t mind me asking...”
“Oh, here we go...” Dweit grumbled.
“How DID you and Holly...you know, meet? I know goblins aren’t exactly low-key in what they do, but Holly seems like she’s always been sort of...mad often. And you don’t seem to be the type to go for that sort of crazy.”
Dweit was counting the steps. He knew for a fact that it would take a few minutes of silence before they got down to the bottom level, and he knew this conversation wasn’t going to go away. Ace was as insistent and investigative as a rookie reporter in Stormwind cracking the murder case that would make or break their life.
He let out a large, unmitigated exhale. “Fine, but it doesn’t leave this cavern. Both you and Tendorel won’t tell a soul.”
“Promise.” Ace smiled.
“Gotcha, boss.” Tendorel was lagging behind, but he kept his pace. “What’s said here is going to be left in the past.”
His two companions stared at him for a moment before Dweit coughed.
“Alright, so it goes like this...”
“And then I told them how I met her. It took a few minutes, but after we talked, we finally got to the bottom and there we saw-”
Dweit was interrupted by a very heavily-accented clearing of the throat. Think like the sound of a German auto worker whose long life breathing in the fumes of their vehicles brought about a throat condition that not even the loziest of lozenge could fix. Not even the lemon kind.
“What?”
“Vhat? Vhat do you mean ‘vhat’?” The goblin figure tapped his finger on the table. “I am here for all zhe informazion you ‘ave, Mr. Dveit, and you’re holding out on me.”
“Oh, come on, what could you possibly get out of knowin’ how me and the ex became acquainted?!”
“If you really zhink zhat, zhen you are not zhe true goblin, Mr. Dveit.” The figure smiled. “Cauze vhatever someone keepz zecret...”
“...is somethin’ worth knowin’ for maximum profit against them, yeah, yeah.” Dweit droned out a reply, rolling his eyes. “Goblin rules suck sometimes........fine, you have a point.”
It was about 6 years ago. Or...thousands of years from now, whatever. I had just been enacted as the actin’ head of Kaja Cola’s Kezan branch. AKA the best one, mind you.
I was out celebratin’ with the gang. Ol’ Bilbsie Bucketwench, Grigile Loosegrubber, and Roiek Deadtooth. Those three were troublemakers, let me tell you.
So I get to their and Roiek is like
“Hey, Dweit, I’mma make some trouble.”
“Hey now, that’s a bit out there, son. I just got my new position!” I said, handsome as ever.
But they were insistent on making sure I was there for the trouble-makin’. It was goin’ to be a blast, they said to me.
And it was actually a blast. We had rocket cars set up in the mountaintop and we drove them off the cliff. They blew up midair and we all parachuted down to the nearby bar where we took our time chattin’ it up with the bar wenches. One was particularly fiesty and kept askin’ about our day, which only served to make their coinpurses lighter. Thankfully, I was a bit smarter than that.
Or so I thought. Then came in Holly. Now let me tell you somethin’, Ace, I won’t mince words here. Holly is a dynamite girl at first glance. She wore clothes that melded to her body perfectly and her waist was exposed which left a nice view of her tattoo on her side. It was a little arrow that said “insert coin here” and was pointing at her satchel. I thought “Wow, that is an ingenious use of that kind of tattoo.” Come to find out it was a magic tattoo that she got rid of a while after, which bummed me out because it was Really Clever. But she was a fine-lookin’ goblin and everyone knew it, especially her. She sat down at the bar furthest away from us and gave us a passin’ glance.
I was, of course, formulatin’ my plan for talkin’ to her. What sort of sane goblin wouldn’t be? But the other three, they weren’t so smart. They thought they could get this lady’s attention by going auto-pilot. That’s the grade-A booze lettin’ them do the talkin’.
Ah, who am I kiddin’, that place was like grade-C booze. They were just light drunks. They’d drink orange juice and would be plastered at the end of it.
Ol’ Bilbsie went in first, leanin’ on a nearby pillar and smirkin’ at the girl. He said somethin’ along the lines of “Why don’t I let you buy me a drink, eh?”, but Holly replied “Nah, I ain’t interested”.
Bilbsie, of course, wasn’t really in the mood for hearin’ that and leaned on the table next to her. “Come on, babe, you know I’m good for whatever you’re interested in.”
And Holly looked at him and gave him a big ol’ grin, sayin’ “If I was interested in common, basic goblins like yerself, I guess I would’ve asked ya, huh, hon?” She then patted Bilbsie on the cheek and said something else. It’s kind of hazy what, but I guess Bilbsie took offense to it and attempted to backhand her.
The three of us watched, sorta mesmerized by it. Soon after, Roiek stepped over. After that, Grigle stumbled over, clearly wasted. Now it was only the bartender and myself, watchin’ from afar as this lone goblin chick just fuckin’ decimates these guys.
I mean, it wasn’t even a fair fight. By the time Bilbsie knew what happened, the hand he was about to make contact with was suddenly bendin’ in a way it shouldn’t have been. He didn’t even have time to register the pain, I bet, before Holly’s palm slams into the guy’s nose. The other two decided to try and step in, but they were also immediately taken down. Roiek had literal dead teeth after that, and Grigle’s grubber was definitely loose. Bilbsie was...somethin’ related to a bucket and wrench, sure. Probably screwed, cause I never saw them again after that.
I watched with wide eyes as Holly dusted her hands off. She looked over at me and I think I...didn’t really say anythin’. I must have still wooed her by just starin’ at her, cuz she smiled and walked over to me, leaned on the bar, and asked me “Hey there, handsome. Care to buy me a drink?”
Ace frowned. “So she beat up your best friends and you bought her a drink and eventually married her?”
“Look, callin’ those bozos my ‘best friends’ is kinda pushin’ it. They were just another tool I had to use to get up in the world.”
“.....hm...” Ace looked at Dweit for a moment. “Kinda like us?”
“Yeah! Kinda like you guys, sure.” Dweit smirked at Ace’s face when he replied. “Only difference is those putz were unaware of it, so they would never last in this world.”
Ace sighed. “Right. Right, of course.” She shook her head. “So you two tied the knot. What caused the divorce, then?”
“Ah, that can wait for another time.”
And there’s that cough again.
“Look, ya creepy stereotype of...somethin’...that part ain’t relevant at this point so I don’t need to tell ya. Jeez.”
“Hmph...continue, then, Mr. Dveit. As I said, ve hav-’
“Yeah, yeah, “vveeee haf all zeeeee zime in zeeee vorldo...” Dweit replied, making a motion with his hands as he stuck his tongue out. “If you want to keep usin’ that kinda joke, I have a blood elf who would love to hang with you. Otherwise, let me continue.”
“Fine, fine. Continue zhe story.”
TO BE CONTINUED
Dweit & Pals - The Tomb of the ‘Uber Riches Part II
Previous
And that’s why Acerca is banned from drinking in Rachet.
Keep your mouth closed, it disgusts me. Sheesh. Anyway, we took a ship out to Gadgetzan from Orgrimmar a few days later.
Be it a trip to the Firelands itself or the very maw of Deathwing’s lair, there’s still nothing quite like the heat of the region of Tanaris. The sandy dunes reflected the harsh sun onto all travelers that dared to pass through. It may be due to its equally unbearable cold nights, as well.
“I can’t believe this...no, I guess I can.”
Acerca stood at the dock to the goblin city of Gadgetzan, electing to put her goggles over her eyes, if only for just a little protection from the sun. It had been 3 days since the incident in Dalaran. Deigning not to pay for Dalaran’s taxes, the trio were not allowed to use the portals in town, which annoyed her greatly. She had believed that the risk of his mother dying at the hands of a crazed axe-welding murderer would be enough to pay an extra 50 gold, but here we are. At least the ships are free to ride.
“It’s so blessed hot today. Of course we’d have to do this during a damn heat wave.” Acerca groaned, wiping her brow.
Beside her, Tendorel stood sweating. He did not look dressed for the climate. While Ace elected to dress herself appropriately, Tendorel was still clad in his bulky armor. The dark blue cloth he wore was not going to help him, either.
“At least the ship was fairly cool,” Tendorel replied. He certainly didn’t look refreshed from it.
“Alright, ya babies. If you’re done complainin’, let’s get goin’. It’s still about half a day’s trek to the west side of town.” Dweit smirked, scratching his nose. He had on a mix between his regular armor and a cloak that kept the sands from his person. The brim of his big hat covered his face from the blistering sun so he no doubt was having a better time than the other two.
“Ah, yes, the town has widened quite a bit in the last few years.” Tendorel took a look at the map in his pocket, no doubt quite out of date compared to the grand empire of salacious and sanctimonious villainy in front of them. Though the town has changed into quite a bustling port city, it is and always shall be Gadgetzan, where the gangs rule the streets, full of swindlers and cheats.
“Alright, no window-shoppin’ either.” Dweit looked over at Ace. “I know you’d be going right to the inscription trainer for some nice little stationary or whatever, but it ain’t the time for it.”
Ace sighed. “Of course, grand leader. I will be sure not to provoke my curiosity for the contraband kitty stationary I use to write my glyphs onto.”
“Excellent. They’re too expensive anyway.” Dweit nodded as he walked forward. Ace couldn’t tell whether he registered the sarcasm and refused to deign it with a response or if he was actually that dense.
Something she did notice was that he didn’t seem to be willing to talk much on the trip to the city. A lot of biting commentary he would always slide into conversations was noticeably absent. He was still himself, mind you, and couldn’t help it sometimes, but there was definitely something on his mind.
Ace picked up the pace and began walking with Dweit. She decided it was time to make sure.
“Dweit. Are you alright?”
“Never better.” Dweit replied. He always says that, but she knew when something was up.
“You know, we’ve been at this for a few years. I know when something’s eating at you.”
Dweit spat onto the ground as he walked, passing by a couple of teenaged pandaren chasing a goblin youth. He adjusted his hat. “Nothing’s wrong, Ace.”
“Is it about your mother?”
Dweit sighed. “I’m not...concerned about Momma Dweit.” He looked over at Ace, still walking forward. “Truth be told, if anyone’s a match for ol’ Holly, it’d be her. She’s a terrifyin’ monster when she’s upset, an’ Holly DID divorce me.”
“I thought it was mutual.” Ace replied sardonically.
“Eh, Momma thinks what she wants.” Dweit smirked for the first time today, which Ace noted.
“So why are you so on edge, then?” Ace inquired, passing by a few elves in rather expensive regalia. She thought they looked over at her with an uneasy interest, but paid no mind to it afterwards.
“Truth be told, Holly is still clever.” Dweit sighed. “Figure she’d be tryin’ to hinder us by rallying the gangs against us. An’ besides, no matter how big this place gets, it’s always gonna be Gadgetzan. If ya ain’t on edge, then you’ve never been in Gadgetzan before.”
“Hm. You do have a point.”
“Then that’s that.” Dweit looked forward once more. “Let’s get to my Momma’s house before we incite a gang war.”
“It....might be too late for that.”
The two stopped and looked behind to Tendorel, who was a few steps behind them. He had stopped and looked tense. Behind him was a pandaren, smiling as she peered behind the warrior. From the posture, Ace figured that she had a knife to Tendorel’s back.
“You are...Mr. Dweit, yes?” The pandaren asked, peering over the warrior’s shoulder. “And this must be your handsome bodyguard that they mentioned.”
Damn, Dweit thought. She was faster than I thought.
Tendorel couldn’t help but smile. “They thought I was handsome?”
“Not the time, Tender.” Ace held her hand up towards the warrior. No doubt she was intending to pull him towards her before the knife could poke him.
“Ah, ah, little priest.” The pandaren chuckled. “The moment I see your hand light up, this man will live in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.”
Ace thought she was bluffing. But she also knew that Gadgetzan’s alchemists would have potions and poisons strong enough to keep her from healing his wound. Still, she pressed the attack. “So what, you stab my friend and then what will happen?”
The pandaren’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean? You will rush to help him, yes?”
“Hah. Fat chance.” Ace kept her hand up. “We’re Horde.We will celebrate our warrior’s life by burning you alive in holy fire.”
“Or regular fire, too.” Dweit added.
“G-guys....” Tendorel looked a little worried. “This isn’t-”
But Ace interrupted him, keeping her eyes glued on the pandaren. “So if you want to keep up the charade of intimidation, you’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The pandaren watched her carefully. This is a bit different. Backstabbing teammates is absolutely something that happens in Gadgetzan a lot, but she didn’t expect this after she was told how close they were.
“Now.”
Before she could react, a giant rocky hand came up and grabbed her by the dagger’s wrist. She spat out in anger as she tried grabbing another dagger from her belt, but before she could, Tendorel was already flying away from her, gliding to the front of Ace with a gentle thud.
“Oof.” Tendorel sat on the ground, looking up at Ace. “You....are very convincing.”
“Not really.” Ace smiled. “Thank you, though.”
The pandaren cried out in pain as she kept trying to get freed from the golem’s grip. Looking down, she saw the hand was attached to a rock elemental, not unlike the ones made of jade at her boss’s hideout.
“Thank you, Rocksworth.” Dweit walked over to the pandaren, a wide grin forming on his face. “So, miss.....whatever you call yourself....”
“My name i-”
“Ah-ah, don’t care.” Dweit moved over and poked her on the nose. “However, I do care about one thing.”
The pandaren watched as the trio came together to peer down at her.
“Where is the one who hired you?”
Moments later.
Passing by the other gangs’ turfs without much concern, the trio finally found themselves in front of the quaint cottage home of Roseanne, also known as Momma Dweit. Dweit wasn’t her surname or her maiden name, however. It was more a term of endearment from her only son.
One time at dinner, Roseanne commented to Ace and Tendorel about how Dweit had a phase as a child where he named everything he wanted as “Dweit’s”. Dweit’s baseball, Dweit’s dinner, Dweit’s aggrevated-assault claim that gave him lots and lots of Dweit’s cash. So growing up, he simply started calling anything important to him as “Dweit” or “Dweit’s”.
If that’s the case, Ace thought, then Dweit may have introduced Holly as “Wife Dweit” or “Dweit’s Wife”.
That probably didn’t help their vitriol with each other.
Dweit sighed, getting a bit annoyed about the conversation going on as they walked to the front. “The pandaren girl was a rookie, Tender. As we said again and again, we weren’t going to let anyone hurt you.”
“But it did hurt my feelings to be manipulated so.” Tendorel placed his hand to his chest, wincing. “If she wasn’t a rookie, she could have locked me into a chair for the rest of my life!”
Ace frowned. “I wouldn’t have done that if I thought you were going to be in danger, Tendorel. You know me better than that.”
Tendorel sighed. “But you didn’t know her that well!”
“Alright, ya big baby. Look, you can talk to Momma Dweit about this. She’ll tell you the exact same thing as I did. When you know Gadgetzan as well as a goblin, you know when you’re screwed and when you got a rookie mugger.”
Tendorel sighed. “Fine. I’m sure she’ll vouch for me.”
“I...doubt that, Tender.” Ace smiled apologetically.
Grinning once more, Dweit walked to the door. If what the pandaren said is true, then they had the hit set on them from mail. That means that Holly and Denarye weren’t in the city yet. If he knows Holly, then she’s as much of a cheapskate as he is and wouldn’t have used the portals either.
He knocked on the door. After a few seconds, he noted there was no reply.
“Hm. She’s usually not out.” Dweit knocked on the door once more. Still no response.
“I wonder where-” Dweit stopped speaking, moving his hand to his chin as he contemplated something.
“....postage costs about 25 silver to send fast.”
“What was that, Dweit?” Tendorel walked over to Dweit, who was standing at the door for a few more seconds than usual.
“......that’s too expensive.....” Dweit moved his hand to the door handle and jiggled it. Sure enough, the door was unlocked. His eyes widened as he burst the door open and ran in, immediately turning to the living room.
What he saw was enough to make Dweit’s expression turn to pure despair. There, laying on the ground, was the body of a headless goblin woman, blood splattered all across the room. When Ace walked in, she moved her hand over her mouth. Tendorel peered in and almost vomited.
“M-...Mom.....MAMA DWEIT...NO!” Dweit fell to the ground before the bloody, headless corpse, tears streaming down his gaunt face.
Ace winced. “I...light’s grace, she’s serious. She’s serious. She’s serious...”
Dweit looked over at Ace with his eyes watered. “FIX HER, ACE. FIX HER, DAMMIT.”
Ace stammered. “I...D-Dweit, I can’t...if I resurrect her now, she would still be dead. Her head is gone. I can’t do...anything-”
“WHAT DO I HAVE YOU HERE FO-” Dweit moved his hands to his head, screaming out in anguish. “I’LL KILL HER. I’LL KILL HER FOR THIS!”
At this, the room began to quake slightly. The two of them saw what was going on and knew it shouldn’t continue. Tendorel elected to move forward, placing his hand on the goblin’s back. “Dweit...calm down. We will find out what to do.”
“I....I....” Dweit was stammering. For the first time, he was at a loss for words. He sat up slowly and the quaking stopped. He moved his hand to the goblin’s back, sniffing. He then reached over for the purse.
“Oh, Dweit, come on.” Ace winced.
“This is what she would want.....” Dweit sighed, taking out her personal effects. Everything from her expired license to her hairbrush. Money was noticeably absent, however. He looked at the ID, sniffing. “Everything to her s......so-.....soooooooooooooon of a BITCH!”
“C-calm down, Dweit, don’t quake the house. This is...”
“THIS AIN’T MY MOTHER!” He spat out, tossing the card over to them. “It’s just some broad.”
Ace grabbed the card and took a look. Sure enough, the name was “Roxanne”.
“W...what? Why would she...?”
“It’s because she didn’t want to kill Momma Dweit. She wanted to use her as bait.”
“And this is...”
“Just another sick part of the game.” Dweit gripped the purse. “The poor girl probably tried to rob them. She was young by the looks of the ID. She bit off more than she could chew.”
“So Denarye...?”
“Hell no.” Dweit replied to Tendorel. “This wound is absolutely her doing. I know a Holly swing when I see it.”
“Hm...” Tendorel couldn’t help but still be sickened by the room. What sort of monster did Dweit marry...? How on earth did he even survive up to this point?
“Ah!”
The two looked over at Ace, who had gasped out as she moved her hand over her mouth. She was looking towards a mirror in the room. The two of them looked over and Dweit visibly grimaced. “Ah...dammit...”
The mirror was smeared with blood. Though the handwriting was noticeably atrocious, it was clear what the message said.
“See you next Time.”
Ace grimaced. “She’ll see us next time...why did she leave a message like that? It...doesn’t seem cryptic.”
Tendorel frowned. “To have a note written in a victim’s blood...it’s a bit...theatrical.”
“Dammit...” Dweit sighed. “She knows where the treasure is.”
“Eh?” Ace frowned. “What do you mean?”
“The message....’See you next Time’.” Dweit looked over at the duo, a frown prominent on his face. “I’ll tell you two....the greatest secret of Dweit’s Treasure. I left it in another time entirely.”
The two elves raised their brows, looking genuinely surprised. “You put your treasure in the Caverns of Time?!”
“Kinda.” Dweit sighed. “We do need to go there, though.” He looked over at the body. “I’ll call the nearby cleaner to deal with this. Old Chad knows how to deal with things discreetly. Then we can get movin’...”
“I....worry about the life we lead sometimes.” Tendorel moved his hand to his mouth, wiping away some excess vomit.
“Zo...zhe great Dveit, vhimpperin like a baby at zhe zight of zhe lost mommy?”
Dweit watched the figure in the shadows, grinning. “What can I say? I have a bleedin’ heart. You don’t seem to believe it.”
“Quite frankly, it iz of no conzern to me vhether or not I vant to believe it. It z’ill coinzides with zhe factz.” The shadowy figure moved his hand out to show a photo. Dweit was momentarily impressed by the quality of the thing. It had the trio exiting Gadgetzan after the disaster in his momma’s house. “How did you..?”
“Ah, Mr. Dveit.” The figure grinned. ‘Ve have been vatchin’ zhe tree of you for a vhile. Ve knew of zhe treazure you have locked avay somevhere. To zhink it vas already under our nozez.”
“That’s how it goes, I suppose.” Dweit smirked. “Now can I continue the story, or are you going to keep interrupting me?”
“Ah, by all meanz, Mr. Dveit. It iz not like anyvon zhall bother uz here.”
“After all, mine demize zhall not come for some thouzand yearz from now. And mine rezurrection not fer a couple yearz later.”
TO BE CONTINUED
Dweit & Pals - The Tomb of the ‘Uber Riches
“Give me back my hat.”
Dweit sat at a small, wooden table in a dimmly-lit tent. The only light in the place was from a lone candle in the center of the table. On the other side of him was...another goblin. The darkness covered the figure in darkness, but Dweit already knew how ugly the poor sapper was.
He also knew that the goblin had the audacity to wear his hat. Who does that?
“Zinkin’ about vhen yer friendzk vill arrive, mine captive?” The figure spoke as one of his large oaf minions pressed Dweit down into his chair.
“‘ey, hands off. Tell your mook to stop tryin’ to manhandle the goods, yea?”
One motion from the hand of the small figure and the oaf moved his giant hand away from the shoulder of the captive. “Mine apologiez.”
“Yeah, yeah.” The captive moved his hand over his shoulder, dusting it off and muttering. “So what do youse bozos want with me?”
“You and me, ve are tvo sidez of zhe zame coin, Mr. Dveit.” The figure moved a hand out and laid down a small gold coin. “Ve vere both burned badly via our previousk employerzk.” The figure was interrupted by a howling wind flying into the tent where they both sat. “Close zhe flap. Zhe sand vill...ruin our converzation.”
The oaf nodded and moved to the flap, trying to close it. Through a continued muttering of drowned out frustration via the zipper getting stuck at the top, the oaf moved his entire body to cover up the doorway. A simple solution.
“Ahh, zhat’s better.”
“So you were sayin’ somethin’ about two sides of a coin or somethin’ stupid like that.”
“Ah, right. Mine apologiez for not gettin’ to zhe point.” The figure shifted and moved a coin bag onto the table. “You are but vone coin in zhe empire of goblins forzked into zervitude by Gallyvickz. A vayvard pennilezk zoul aftervards...but zhe goblin lawz kept you zecure.”
“.....what of it?” Dweit narrowed his eyes.
“I vas not born yesterday, Zhe zhree of you came to Uldum to find zhe fortune before zhe haughty ex found it firzt.”
Dweit grimaced.
“Ah, zhe face you make iz vone of great clarity, so I zhall get to zhe point.” The figure moved forward, the light barely hitting his grotesque face. “Vhere is zhe treasure?”
Dweit figgited in his seat. “All of this for my treasure? Why?”
“It is in mine nature, Mr. Dveit.” Through the darkness the goblin could see a small glint of a smile creep along the figure’s face. “I know zhere iz zometink very preciouz zhat iz kept zhere. Zometink...empire-topplink.”
“..........fine. But before I do, you gotta listen to my tale.”
“Ahhhhh, zhe tranzparent attempt to buy fer time. But thiz is good. I vant to know everytink.”
“Fine...so you’re probably wondering how I got into this mess...” Dweit stared at the figure, one eye closed while the other kept itself trained on the shadowy figure.
“Yezk...zat is vhat I zaid.”
---
Days prior.
“MAMA DWEIT...NO!” Dweit fell to the ground before the bloody, headless corpse of a sweet old lady, tears streaming down his gaunt face and-
---
“Vait, vait, vait. Back up von zeckond.”
“What? You want me to tell the story or not?”
“Aren’t you...zkippink ahead a bit?”
Dweit rolled his eyes. “Oh, so I actually wanna save you time an’ you decide to make me unabridge it. Fine, fine, whatever ‘yer lordship’ wants.”
---
A Few More Days Prior.
So, as it turns out, the Broken Isles don’t really have much in terms of things for us to profit from. Elven ruins were already tapped, and everyone an’ their mother was in Suramar grabbing the wine. Sure, we were there to promote the message of Horde unity and saving the world from the Legion and blah-blah-blah, but...welll, you know goblins. We ain’t going for something we can’t profit from.
So me and my associates decide to leave Dalaran and partake in scavenging on the Broken Shore. That area hadn’t been given a foothold yet and we figure a few ships would have to have something.
But then I had a glaive to my throat.
The hustle and bustle of The Filthy Animal was temporarily interrupted by a demon hunter slamming Dweit into the wall while a blood elf pointed his sword to his side.
“What...did I...do?” Dweit couldn’t help but give the demon hunter a smile. “Did I offend your senses?”
After a moment, Dweit realized who it was who had him against the wall. “Oh, right...you’re Holly’s bae, right?”
“Urrrrrgh...” Denarye did not look well after he said that, but he had surely been called worse, right? He was also gripping the goblin’s neck tighter. “You will call me Denarye.”
“Right, right, sorry. So...w-what can I do for you?” Dweit looked over to Tendorel at his side, wondering if he was going to do anything useful. Tendorel had his eyes transfixed on the demon hunter, blade nestled firmly into the air and ready to strike at any point.
"Ohohohoho!”
And then Dweit’s last bastion of hope was shattered, when his vision focused to the right and saw Holly walk forward, her hands gripping her giant axe with a smile only a crazed psychopath could love.
“What’s this all about, Holly Nitwit?” Dweit attempted once more to try and loosen the demon hunter’s grip, but it turns out the demon hunter MO really is never letting go.
“Oh, I wanted ta’ make shure ya didn’t skip outta town yet, Dweeb. Not before I gets ta’ kill ya.”
“.......why?” Dweit grimaced.
“Because yer not needed anymore, bozo. I just need ta go to my good-fer-nothin’ ex-mother-in-law an’ get on my way ta’ the big bucks!”
“Your ex-m-...” Dweit’s eyes widened. Then they shot over right to Tendorel. “TENDOREL.”
“Huh, what?”
“You told them?! Why?! Why did you tell them!?”
“W-...hey, it could’ve been Ace!” Tendorel shot back at him, his face shocked at the accusation.
“Ace is surprisingly not dumb enough to keep in contact with the enemy!” Dweit shot a look at Denarye after looking towards Tendorel accusingly.
At this, Tendorel’s ears popped up. He then looked away, coughing. Denarye, to his credit, was not shaken in the least. “So...what, maybe after a drink or two, I-”
“How could you do that to me, Tendorel?!” Dweit exclaimed, letting go of the demon hunter’s grip and grasping in the air in front of Tendorel, hoping his arms would suddenly grow long enough to strangle his warrior companion.
“I...look, I’m sorry. It was late, we were...enjoying each other’s company....I can’t keep my mouth shut when I’m looking into those eyes.”
“CAN YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST-?” Dweit was interrupted by the hand firmly grasping his throat for a moment.
Denarye let out a small cough. Even he was getting a little embarrassed. “Be that as it may, we have what we need from you.”
“Thaaaaat’s right, babe.” Holly smirked, sauntering over to Dweit with a gleam in her eyes. “And all I need ta do is get it outta Mamma Dweit...after I kill you, of course.”
Dweit’s expression darkened as he closed his eyes. So this is how it was going to end? Being choked to death for the insurance money by his ex-wife’s new boyfriend who just slept with his bodyguard?
A solid 8 out of 10 on predictability.
"Is there a problem here, friends?”
Dweit opened his eyes. Oh, good, saved by an archmage.
“Oh, come on. Leave us alone, this is Horde business.”
“Oh, for....” The archmage’s expression turned to frustration rather quickly. “I am a blood elf! I’m a part of the Horde!” He seemed very upset about this. “Look, see? See my green eyes?”
“No.”
“They’re not bad.”
“Keep it in your pants, Tender.”
The archmage sighed and pointed his staff at the demon hunter. “Regardless, we are under constant surveillance by the Council of Six. Though Lady Jaina is not with them anymore, they will not hesitate to kick the Horde out of the city. And I don’t think I need to remind you about your obligations being a figurehead for the Illidari, Denarye.”
The demon hunter grimaced. “Hmph...of course not, Archmage Sotoris.” With that, he loosened the grip and allowed the goblin to fall face-first on the ground.
Holly, meanwhile, was growling, her grip on the axe tightening. She turned around and began to step towards the mage. “I have been waitin’.....for so long for this moment, you pencil-pushin’ thin-skinned, pretty-boy magic-fellatin’-”
Tendorel walked over to Dweit and helped his boss up from the ground. “Hey, uh....sorry for that.”
Dweit smacked the warrior’s hand away after getting up, rubbing his throat. “Eh...whatever...”
Nodding, Tendorel looked over. Holly was still at it, stomping very slowly towards the mage as her expletives began to gain more bite. Sotoris, for his part, was only stepping back with the same rhythm as she stepped forward, though sweat slowly began to form on his forehead.
“Is she always like that?” Tendorel asked.
“Yeup.”
“Yes.”
Denarye looked toward Holly. Through his special vision, it felt almost like she was being enveloped by a seething cloud of anger. It seemed nigh-demonic but he knew all too well that it was not.
“...-robe-wearin-probably-with-nothin-under-like-some-sorta-freak, book-nerdin’, staff-holdin’-”
“Lady Holly. It is time we depart.”
Holly’s intensity shot a quick glare towards Denarye, her eyes looking like they could bring even the greatest of monsters down with just sheer fear. But to Denarye, it was nothing. And after a moment, Holly’s expression shifted to an annoyed grin.
“Wellllll, fine. I guess Dweit can live fer now.” She moved her axe onto her back and smiled at the poor goblin. “Though if you follow me an’ I see you, you’re going to be cut up into so many pieces that a sapper will be jealous, capisce?”
Dweit glared at her, but said nothing. Satisfied with that, Holly and Denarye took their leave, Holly grinning all the way through.
Tendorel sighed, putting his weapon onto his belt and his shield on his back. He looked over at Dweit. “I am sorry”, he repeated.
Dweit shrugged. “It’s fine, I get it.” After a moment, he looked over to Sotoris. “Thank you for your help, Archmage.”
“Ah.” Sotoris coughed, wiping off the sweat that formed on his head. “It was nothing, really. I did not want the work done by those adventurers to be undermined. The fact that an Alliance hero was the one who suggested the Horde return with Archmage Khadgar was the only reason the council budged on the issue. I...didn’t want that to be squandered, of course, and-”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Dweit waved at the mage. “Thank you again, so...scram, will ya?”
Sotoris winced at this, then sighed. “You’re welcome.” With a swing of his staff, he disappeared.
A few moments after the encounter, the bustle of the inn began in earnest once again. It was then that Ace walked in, holding a giant backpack of scrolls and inkwells. She looked pleased with herself as she plopped them down onto the table and sat down. “Ah...there we are.”
She looked over to her friends and noticed that they looked a lot worse for wear than before.
“...did I miss something?”
Dweit sighed, rubbing his hands into his brow. Tendorel, meanwhile, was nervously looking away, a shade of blush on his face.
“..................they know it’s Mamma Dweit, don’t th-”
“YES.” Dweit yelled out in frustration, taking the moment to punch Tendorel in the arm.
Tendorel frowned.
Ace looked at the two of them, then sighed with a bit of frustration. “Then we need to go to Gadgetzan. How fun. I really was hoping we could avoid that city...
Espeically after last Winter Veil.”
---
“So now it was time for us to head to Gadgetzan an-”
“Vait, vait...”
Dweit growled. “Oh, what is it now?”
“Vhat happened last Vinter Veil?”
“If I tell you about that, it’s going to take a little bit of time. You sure?”
“Oh, Mr. Dveit. I azzhure you, ve have all zhe time in zhe vorld.” The disfigured goblin smiled.
TO BE CONTINUED
Dweit & Pals: Holly-er than Thou Part 2
“So you’re telling me that you were once married...to her?” Ace asked.
“That’s the gist of what I’m sayin’, yea.” Dweit replied.
“No offense, Bossman,” Tendorel began, standing up from the table. “But you don’t really seem the lovey-dovey type.”
“Hah!” Dweit spat at the ground. “Holly there ain’t someone you CAN lovey or dovey. She’s a bitch in every sense of the word.” The goblin moved his hand to the brim of his hat, tipping it upward to see his two subordinates in the eyes. His eyes were unnaturally intense.
“I....take it the breakup didn’t go well?” Ace spoke carefully, watching her boss as if she had never actually known him.
“Oh, no, it was mutual.” Dweit smirked. “Most people don’t know about this lil’ fact, so allow me to help you comprehend. The Trade Princes passed a ruling a few decades back, see.” He moved his hand to his nose, scratching it after a sniff in the air. “Inheritance an’ divorce don’t work the same way as, say, humie or elven society.”
He looked over at a couple of young goblin mages, a female remarking at the way the male’s coin purse swung heavy in the wind or something along those lines. “See those two?”
The two elves nodded, watching the two strangers.
“See, goblins ain’t nothin’ without cash, an’ for a while, goblins had the same kinda inheritance rules as yours.” Dweit began, as the two goblins chuckled at each other. “Ya die, ya money gets sent to ya loved ones, aside from a heavy taxation as is natural. Death, taxes, an’ all that. Turns out, though, that money was enough for some couples ta go ‘Hey, I don’t wanna be with this putz anymore.’ The feelin’ becomes mutual an’ it becomes domestic bomb-throwin’ and poison sales goin’ through the roof.”
“Ah, so it’s like you’re overthrowing a kingdom by murdering a king.” Tendorel pondered aloud.
“Yeah, but the ‘kingdom’ is a nice condo surrounded by rich oil pools an’ a buncha big bags of cash.” Dweit replied. “Anyway, the Trade Princes noticed that their capital gains were losing fast, since even with taxation, money ain’t comin’ in. So they changed it. If a goblin dies, their money is owned by their corresponding trade prince. So in mine an’ Holly’s case, that’d be...”
He motioned to the two elves, grasping in the air lightly, then waving it towards himself, as if he were wanting them to answer him.
“Gallywix.” The two elves replied slowly, unfortunately giving him what he wants.
“Yeeeeup. Quite a scheme, if I do say so myself.” Dweit smirked. “However, the Trade Princes ain’t as smart as some of us poor underlings. The rules stipulate that their possessions an’ things on their estate becomes the property of their respective prince, but that got nothin’ on things outside-a their estate. We call it the ‘Buried Treasure’ clause, which the princes can’t do anything about.”
The goblin nodded towards the couple again. “That guy has a tiny build but charisma, so probably has a trove of cash in a cave somewhere, probably with assistance of some poor mook who is now forced to comply. The girl, she has muscle and looks ‘worldly’. I’m thinkin’ her claim is on a mountaintop. Maybe even Pandaria now that they’re around. Anyway, they both have treasure somewhere, but they don’t know where the other’s is.”
“So you prevent attempts at each other’s lives by keeping a bunch of secrets?” Ace considered, tilting her head. “Sounds like a marriage.”
She moved her hand up to receive Tendorel’s high-five, which he was already in the process of giving.
After that sweet high-five, Tendorel looked thoughtful. “So...in terms of divorce...”
“Oh yeah, it’s just like normal humie culture at that point. If you don’t like each other anymore, ya break it off. Holly an’ I broke it off because she’s a straight-up bitch....”
“So anyway, Dweit an’ me, we broke it off because he’s a straight-up weasel of a goblin, tha worst kindsa goblins, get me?”
Holly rocked herself gently in Denarye’s arms, her arm draped over the demon hunter’s shoulder as he flew above the streets.
“Hnn...” Denarye grunted.
“Right? Worst kinda goblin. Normal goblins are shrewd, conniving, but Dweit? Just the worst kinda bastid. An’ don’t get me started on his old assistant. Paradin’ around in her short-cuffed shirt actin’ like she was gonna steal him from me for his money. Pff...whadda bitch. Went an’ chopped her head clean off. Stupid girl had her money in her own backyard, can ya believe that?”
“Hnnnnn...”
“And after killin’ MY first assistant an’ threatenin’ Sassy after, I decided ta break off with the crazy.”
Ace’s eyebrow twitched. “Wait, she murdered someone?”
“Oh yeah. Even took the money from her estate.” Dweit replied, nodding. “Still can’t believe she hid her money in the backyard like a putz, may she rest in peace.”
“I’ll never get over how your people tend to gloss over murder.” Tendorel commented, resting his hand on his sword hilt as he stood leaning.
“Hey, sappers are some a’ our greatest workers. They blow up for a livin’. Kinda.” Dweit smirked. “Regardless, I decided to break it off with her. She took it as well as ya would expect.”
“Ohhhhh, I never spun my axe around the room faster than that day. I almost cut off all of his limbs an’ boy was it a relief after the rage went down.” Holly giggled softly, enjoying the wind in her face. “Have you ever gone into a blood rage for someone?”
....
“If you don’t talk, then how the hell am I supposed to enjoy your company, huuuh?” Holly smiled, leaning her head up to the elf’s face. “It’s not nice to leave a girl with questions.”
Denarye’s teeth began to show as he grunted out a sigh. “....Lord Illidan was my source for passion. My call for the skewering of demonic filth was for his benefit. His own pleasure.”
“...hehehe...” Holly giggled. “Oh, Denny...I want you to look at me like you do Illidan.”
“That is unlikely for multiple reasons.”
“So where’s the treasure?” Tendorel asked, leaning forward.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Dweit stepped back, waving his finger at him. “Can’t tell you two clods that! Then you would kill me in my sleep!”
“As tempting as that can be sometimes...” Ace sighed. “It’s not likely we’d do that.”
“Nope, nope, nope.” Dweit shook his head. “That’s the whole point of the law. If you two knew, then that’s someone else who has the knowledge! If Holly found out, she’d be a-okay with chopping off my head! Then she’d be harrassin’ yous until one or both of you die.” He smiled, moving his finger to his scalp as he scratched it.
Ace narrowed her eyes as she watched her boss. She seemed to be studying him very closely.
She looked at the goblin couple, then at Tendorel, and then back at Dweit. After a few years of being around these two, she knew how they presented themselves. More importantly, she knew their nervous ticks.
“..........you’ve told someone already, haven’t you.”
“W-W-w-w-w-wha...WHAT?” Dweit gulped, then tackled Ace immediately, moving his hand to the priest’s mouth. “You moron! You don’t say stuff like that on the streets wit’ other goblins around!”
Ace’s eyes narrowed as her voice tried to sound out more, but was muffled from the goblin’s hand over her mouth.
“Sorry, Ace, can’t hear ya!” Dweit laughed jovially. “Can’t hear...silly things you’ve said!!” He said with a loud voice.
This brought more attention to them, which caused Tendorel to grab the two of them, mostly effortlessly, and walked away.
Soon after...
“....look...”
The trio of goofballs stood in an alleyway behind the market, away from prying ears. Ace was huffy, looking away with an annoyed look on her face.
“....yes...okay...maybe I have, in a heat of stress, mentioned a location to...like...one person.”
Tendorel nodded. “I see. That doesn’t sound like something you should have done!” He’s getting the goblin law down pat.
“Yes...AND...it’s something that cannot EVER be said in a way that Holly might hear, you get me?” Dweit stared at the two of them with intensity in his eyes. “If she finds out that someone else has the location of my gold, she won’t even wait to find out who knows it. She will kill me. And you two for protectin’ me.”
“That sounds possible, yeah.” Ace replied, sarcasm dripping from her voice.
“So who did you tell?” Tendorel asked.
“That’s....if I tell yous who knows, then that’s a higher risk of Holly findin’ out!”
“You just said she wouldn’t care about who, so long as she knows she can kill you and still know.” Tendorel replied. “Maybe we’ll need to know so we can protect them if you die.”
“She won’t need prot-....h...th...they won’t need protec-”
“She.” Tendorel replied, his face glowing as if he were in the middle of a high-stakes investigation.
“Oh for the love of...stop trying to be sleuthy, you jackass!” Dweit poked the warrior’s chest hard. “I’m not tellin’ you!”
“I’m just thinking we could take her. Holly, I mean.” Tendorel said. “She can’t be that bad, right?”
Dweit shook his head. “No, Tender...she IS all that bad. In all my life of seein’ some crazy broads, she’s her own tier. She’s a deadly monster.”
“Pff...I took Saurfang’s cleave to the shield. I think I’ll be fine.” Tendorel said, smirking confidently. This seemed to upset Dweit moreso.
“Don’t be stupid, pal.” Dweit moved forward, poking him again. “The easiest way to stay alive is for us to forget this conversation ever happened.”
“Come on, Bossman.” Tendorel smiled. “I don’t think we have to worry. Now we know it’s a woman...”
“Tender, I am warning you...”
“Is it someone I’ve met before? I’ve seen you mingle with a looooot of girls.”
“Tender, I am going to shock you with a stray bolt of lightning if you don’t shut up right now.” Dweit was looking pissed.
“Hrm....I’m not sure...”
Dweit’s hands began to electrify as he showed Tendorel that he was, indeed, not playing around.
“Tendorel, it’s okay.” Ace smiled, scribbling in her notepad. She was standing beside them, making her usual notes. “Dweit can keep his secrets as long as he wants, no matter how thinly-veiled they are..”
“I mean...really, It’s not like it’s anyone else but Momma Dw-”
Ace was soundly interrupted by Dweit’s bolt of lightning, which shocked her and sent her back a couple of feet in the alley, landing on her butt with a thud.
“NO NO NO NO” He spoke repeatedly, panic struck in his voice. His hand was shaking.
“....”
“....”
“....”
The trio looked at each other, then the two elves looked right at Dweit, who moved his hand over his hat and over his eyes.
“Son of a bitch, Ace.”
“IT WASN’T THAT HARD, YOU IDIOT!” Ace spat out, tossing her book at Dweit’s head.
“Ohhh...yeah, I guess it is pretty easy to narrow down.” Tendorel nodded, frowning as he pondered.
“Uuuuuuuugh you guys are the worst.” Dweit replied, moving both of his hands onto his hat and lowering it even further down, below his eyes, to hide his shame.
TO BE CONTINUED