Dweit & Pals - The Tomb of the ‘Uber Riches Part III
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So as I am sure you’re aware, the key to goin’ back in time requires a very specific location that only a few are able to operate in. And fortunately, I am a goblin of surprisin’ amounts of connections. I dunno how you an’ your chuckleheads figured it out, but for me, it was all about connections.
The gusting blaze of midday Tanaris winds did little to hinder the goblin on a mission. It was but a couple of minutes of walking before the trio came before a towering night-elven fort nestled in a mountain alongside a Blackrock CIty armory, a human mage tower and a pirate ship. Strewn about the pathway laid a troll watchtower, an orcish bunker, a dwarven bunker and multiple ships broken in the sandy dunes. All surrounding a gigantic structure reminiscent of a civilization years before them. There, a lone dragon rests.
Among all the landmarks on Kalimdor, there was nothing more understated than the Caverns of Time, which housed some of the most powerful magics in the land.
“We haven’t been here in ages,” Tendorel said, smiling.
Ace and Dweit were exhausted and did not register what he said. Or they didn’t care.
Truthfully, I was too angry at the situation, but I should probably high-five him for that. He, really tried.
“Now let me do the talkin’, guys.” Dweit adjusted his hat. “I’ve dealt with these bozos before.”
“We all have.” Ace sighed. “In fact, we all will have at some point, too. And thus, to them, we’ve already done so. Isn’t that something?”
“Ace, I am ignoring you right now.”
“Hmph.” Ace folded her arms and huffed. Tendorel gave her a pat on the back. No elves will be happy today.
With that, Dweit stepped forward to the dragon, its sandy hue somewhat camouflaging it from a distance. As Dweit stepped closer, the dragon’s ears perked and its eyes opened. “Hrm...”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. ‘Took you long enough’, ‘I’ve been expectin’ you’, yada yada.” Dweit was shrugging his shoulders, then pointed his finger at the cavern. “Me and my friends wanna go down there, but I know you already knew th-”
“Just because I am a bronze dragon,” the dragon sat up and stretched its wings up wide, “does not mean I care an iota about every individual mortal that comes to this place, goblin.”
Dweit sighed, rubbing his temple. “Great, we got the one dragon who can’t make with the ha-has. Look, jokes aside, we need to go past you.”
“Of course.” The dragon yawned. “We have already been told to let mortals into the cavern without much care or worry about irreparable damage to the time stream. What’s a few other mortals today gonna bring beyond chaos and destruction? Clearly just good times and wonderful snacks.”
“How long you been workin’ on your sarcasm, kid?”
“Ages.”
Dweit and the dragon just sort of stared at each other for a moment. This staredown was firmly interrupted by Ace stepping forward. “Steward, did you say ‘a few other mortals today’? Is it the case that there were others that came?”
“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...” The dragon blinked, then nodded. “Yes, that’s right. It happened not too long ago. A small goblin threatened me with an axe and an elf attempted to calm her down whilst carrying a large bag over his shoulder.”
“Don’t talk about my mother like that!” Dweit shouted, gripped his weapon tight and looked ready to strike.
“No, honey.” Ace patted the goblin’s hands, concern on her face. “He means an actual bag. It probably held your mother.”
“........you get a pass, dragon.” Dweit spat out, putting the weapons back on his belt. The dragon smiled, then shuffled to the side.
“Go on, then. It’s not like the three will do any good in there. You can’t enter any portals without a bronze dragon aiding you.”
Dweit smirked. “Then we got a leg up, since I got someone on the inside. Thanks, bud. Go back to sleep, why don’tcha. You deserve it.”
“Hmmmmmm...” The dragon watched as the goblin and the two elves walked forward. “...have a good time in there.”
“Hah!” Tendorel smiled and gave the dragon a thumbs up as he walked past it
“Tender, not everything is a joke about time.” Ace looked over at the warrior, frowning. “Please don’t muddy this serious venture with banter like that.”
“Oh, fine.” Tendorel sniffed, wiping some dust away from his nose. “But we’re the best when we’re funny, you know.”
“Well, maybe next time we’ll...” Ace frowned more prominently. “...just shut up, Tender.”
“I said nothing that time! I only smiled!”
As they began to walk down the caverns, the only light sources that came into view were eternally-lit lanterns from old buildings lost in time and the purple majesty of space and time shown in various cracks of the walls. Mages from all over the world come to this place if only to view a glimpse of the world beyond their sight. Time, in itself, was a presence that the mages mastering in arcane could only hope to somehow reach within their own limited lifespan. The Bronze dragonflight are not too happy with this attention, but they work with the mortals whenever they need to.
“So who’s your dragon on the inside, Dweit?” Ace asked, looking over her notepad as she began to write in it.
“Ah, you know her. We met her a few times back in the day.” Dweit smirked. “Small gnomish girl, had a thing for me. Come on, she’s the one you met a lot, too.”
“.........Chromie??” Ace’s eyes widened. “That Chromie? She’s helping you?”
“Oh, yeah! When I told her about my plan to keep my own treasure safe, she was already on board.” Dweit chuckled, tipping his hat down. “Never underestimate the Dweit charm, Acey. It has felled many a maiden into my loving arms.”
“One of which seems to be keen on chopping them off.” Ace noted for him, which Dweit replied with a huff.
“Holly don’t know what she’s missin’, I can tell you that much.” Dweit stepped forward, passing by a gigantic expanse of space to the right of him. He has clearly been here so many times that he’s used to its ‘majesty’. Either that or he doesn’t give a damn.
Ace frowned, putting her notepad into her satchel and walking beside Dweit. “So, speaking of that..if you don’t mind me asking...”
“Oh, here we go...” Dweit grumbled.
“How DID you and Holly...you know, meet? I know goblins aren’t exactly low-key in what they do, but Holly seems like she’s always been sort of...mad often. And you don’t seem to be the type to go for that sort of crazy.”
Dweit was counting the steps. He knew for a fact that it would take a few minutes of silence before they got down to the bottom level, and he knew this conversation wasn’t going to go away. Ace was as insistent and investigative as a rookie reporter in Stormwind cracking the murder case that would make or break their life.
He let out a large, unmitigated exhale. “Fine, but it doesn’t leave this cavern. Both you and Tendorel won’t tell a soul.”
“Promise.” Ace smiled.
“Gotcha, boss.” Tendorel was lagging behind, but he kept his pace. “What’s said here is going to be left in the past.”
His two companions stared at him for a moment before Dweit coughed.
“Alright, so it goes like this...”
“And then I told them how I met her. It took a few minutes, but after we talked, we finally got to the bottom and there we saw-”
Dweit was interrupted by a very heavily-accented clearing of the throat. Think like the sound of a German auto worker whose long life breathing in the fumes of their vehicles brought about a throat condition that not even the loziest of lozenge could fix. Not even the lemon kind.
“What?”
“Vhat? Vhat do you mean ‘vhat’?” The goblin figure tapped his finger on the table. “I am here for all zhe informazion you ‘ave, Mr. Dveit, and you’re holding out on me.”
“Oh, come on, what could you possibly get out of knowin’ how me and the ex became acquainted?!”
“If you really zhink zhat, zhen you are not zhe true goblin, Mr. Dveit.” The figure smiled. “Cauze vhatever someone keepz zecret...”
“...is somethin’ worth knowin’ for maximum profit against them, yeah, yeah.” Dweit droned out a reply, rolling his eyes. “Goblin rules suck sometimes........fine, you have a point.”
It was about 6 years ago. Or...thousands of years from now, whatever. I had just been enacted as the actin’ head of Kaja Cola’s Kezan branch. AKA the best one, mind you.
I was out celebratin’ with the gang. Ol’ Bilbsie Bucketwench, Grigile Loosegrubber, and Roiek Deadtooth. Those three were troublemakers, let me tell you.
So I get to their and Roiek is like
“Hey, Dweit, I’mma make some trouble.”
“Hey now, that’s a bit out there, son. I just got my new position!” I said, handsome as ever.
But they were insistent on making sure I was there for the trouble-makin’. It was goin’ to be a blast, they said to me.
And it was actually a blast. We had rocket cars set up in the mountaintop and we drove them off the cliff. They blew up midair and we all parachuted down to the nearby bar where we took our time chattin’ it up with the bar wenches. One was particularly fiesty and kept askin’ about our day, which only served to make their coinpurses lighter. Thankfully, I was a bit smarter than that.
Or so I thought. Then came in Holly. Now let me tell you somethin’, Ace, I won’t mince words here. Holly is a dynamite girl at first glance. She wore clothes that melded to her body perfectly and her waist was exposed which left a nice view of her tattoo on her side. It was a little arrow that said “insert coin here” and was pointing at her satchel. I thought “Wow, that is an ingenious use of that kind of tattoo.” Come to find out it was a magic tattoo that she got rid of a while after, which bummed me out because it was Really Clever. But she was a fine-lookin’ goblin and everyone knew it, especially her. She sat down at the bar furthest away from us and gave us a passin’ glance.
I was, of course, formulatin’ my plan for talkin’ to her. What sort of sane goblin wouldn’t be? But the other three, they weren’t so smart. They thought they could get this lady’s attention by going auto-pilot. That’s the grade-A booze lettin’ them do the talkin’.
Ah, who am I kiddin’, that place was like grade-C booze. They were just light drunks. They’d drink orange juice and would be plastered at the end of it.
Ol’ Bilbsie went in first, leanin’ on a nearby pillar and smirkin’ at the girl. He said somethin’ along the lines of “Why don’t I let you buy me a drink, eh?”, but Holly replied “Nah, I ain’t interested”.
Bilbsie, of course, wasn’t really in the mood for hearin’ that and leaned on the table next to her. “Come on, babe, you know I’m good for whatever you’re interested in.”
And Holly looked at him and gave him a big ol’ grin, sayin’ “If I was interested in common, basic goblins like yerself, I guess I would’ve asked ya, huh, hon?” She then patted Bilbsie on the cheek and said something else. It’s kind of hazy what, but I guess Bilbsie took offense to it and attempted to backhand her.
The three of us watched, sorta mesmerized by it. Soon after, Roiek stepped over. After that, Grigle stumbled over, clearly wasted. Now it was only the bartender and myself, watchin’ from afar as this lone goblin chick just fuckin’ decimates these guys.
I mean, it wasn’t even a fair fight. By the time Bilbsie knew what happened, the hand he was about to make contact with was suddenly bendin’ in a way it shouldn’t have been. He didn’t even have time to register the pain, I bet, before Holly’s palm slams into the guy’s nose. The other two decided to try and step in, but they were also immediately taken down. Roiek had literal dead teeth after that, and Grigle’s grubber was definitely loose. Bilbsie was...somethin’ related to a bucket and wrench, sure. Probably screwed, cause I never saw them again after that.
I watched with wide eyes as Holly dusted her hands off. She looked over at me and I think I...didn’t really say anythin’. I must have still wooed her by just starin’ at her, cuz she smiled and walked over to me, leaned on the bar, and asked me “Hey there, handsome. Care to buy me a drink?”
Ace frowned. “So she beat up your best friends and you bought her a drink and eventually married her?”
“Look, callin’ those bozos my ‘best friends’ is kinda pushin’ it. They were just another tool I had to use to get up in the world.”
“.....hm...” Ace looked at Dweit for a moment. “Kinda like us?”
“Yeah! Kinda like you guys, sure.” Dweit smirked at Ace’s face when he replied. “Only difference is those putz were unaware of it, so they would never last in this world.”
Ace sighed. “Right. Right, of course.” She shook her head. “So you two tied the knot. What caused the divorce, then?”
“Ah, that can wait for another time.”
And there’s that cough again.
“Look, ya creepy stereotype of...somethin’...that part ain’t relevant at this point so I don’t need to tell ya. Jeez.”
“Hmph...continue, then, Mr. Dveit. As I said, ve hav-’
“Yeah, yeah, “vveeee haf all zeeeee zime in zeeee vorldo...” Dweit replied, making a motion with his hands as he stuck his tongue out. “If you want to keep usin’ that kinda joke, I have a blood elf who would love to hang with you. Otherwise, let me continue.”
“Fine, fine. Continue zhe story.”
TO BE CONTINUED