#e.s. personal

[elphabashepard]

Ok, I have two questions for the Work Wives/Abbott Elementary fandom, because the more I re-watch the episodes we have (because, Hello New Hyper-fixation as I now can’t watch anything else for the foreseeable) the more these two moments in very different episodes don’t necessarily not make sense but are jarring for me.

1. Why didn’t Barbara ask Melissa for help or at least ask to collaborate on the iPad based reading program? She was sat next to her through the training session, Melissa would have seen her struggling & Melissa was open about struggling herself. I get saving face in front of Janine & all the younger staff, but Melissa & Barbara have worked side by side for ~20 years (I think? I’m conflicted about that, because Melissa says “when we started at Abbot” & she’s been doing the bunny thing for 15 years, but we never get an exact start time).

Does she really feel the need to hide those kind of insecurities from Melissa too? Because she had no problem talking about the tuatara & how long she’d been visiting him or with Melissa addressing her vulnerability about how long she’s been teaching.

2. That snip she makes about not listening to Melissa give Janine advice in the Halloween episode. It just felt really out of place to me? She’s never not listened to Melissa before. I guess there’s the take that Mel is giving Janine advice Barbara might deem unnecessary or something she doesn’t need to listen to. But Melissa is still her friend. I’d understand not listening to Janine, once she determined that someone else was going to handle this particular “Momtor” moment, but telling Melissa she “fully wasn’t listening” just seems… snappy.

& I know the shippy takes on it (& I love them, obviously 😍 Work Wives devotee over here) but if you put a pin in those, how else do you explain it? Maybe I’m looking at things with rose coloured glasses but I would never say something like that to a friend of mine, regardless of the conversation. (Which, I’m aware, is probably part of the reason I relate to & cringe over Janine so very badly.)

& I get the being snappy with other characters, especially the young ones she doesn’t quite respect yet but is warming to. But Melissa? That she’s worked side by side with for upwards of 15 years? Maybe that’s the answer & because of how long they’ve known each other, she expects Melissa to be completely unbothered by what she’s saying.

I just don’t think that’s the case? Melissa might want to be as prickly as a hedgehog by a busy road, but we all know she’s squishy as a semi-roasted marshmallow the minute she even vaguely cares. & I feel like Barbara should know that?

Then again, she didn’t realise the “playing in the mud” comment landed like it did & Melissa’s reaction - she didn’t even think to attribute that to having hurt Melissa’s feelings either. It was all about the money, the school, the transaction, rather than having implied her friend was less than.

& she never really apologised either? (Which might bother me more than a bit.) Though of course, she does follow Melissa’s lead with that & depending on their backstory, their understanding, that might be enough - we’ll learn more the further in we get.

& on the flip side of both of those, we don’t see Melissa go to Barbara about the reading program, even though they were both struggling, or does she make it entirely clear she’s upset with Barbara for hurting her, rather than just the school’s chances for funding. I don’t know. I get there’s only so much space in the scripts & of course, Janine’s the focus, I just had to get this stuff out of my brain.

I don’t know, I’m having a lot of thoughts & feelings about these two & just needed a ramble. Sorry. It started out structured like I hoped & ended not great.

If anyone wants to come ramble/theorise/chat through any of this, please feel free.

[elphabashepard]

I just want to put it out in the world. To remember & hopefully to share the feeling with whoever might be needing this particular slew of positivity.

I feel so Blessed.

There’s really no other word for it. & I don’t mean in a organised-religion-sort-of-way, though if that’s what helps you, then feel free.

I mean that aside from the obvious reasons, my life has been such a cluster fuck for the last couple of years & it felt like I was constantly clinging on by the edges of my fingernails. To my own sanity, to my will to keep going, to everything & everyone I hold dear.

And yes, I lost one of those people. An incredibly important & loved someone. But that isn’t what this post is about.

What I’m feeling now? That I’ve made it through. Mostly. There are still plenty of rough patches to go (the impending festive season which harshly reminds me that we’re approaching a year of her being a gone being the obvious one) & I am trying to prepare for them as best I can.

But mostly? I’ve made it. & that cliche is true, I made it through with a bit of help from my friends.

I have a house. I have my own honest to goodness space that is entirely mine, to do exactly what I want with, to feel however I want to feel, to do exactly as I please.

I can slow dance in front of a frying pan while I cook - yes, me, cooking! & I’m not terrible at it! - I can spend twenty minutes laying on my own carpet in my own living room because my back is bad, I can forget to close the living room door behind me & groan when I realise it’s letting all the heat out. I can play music from the moment I get in the door until I drift off to sleep. I can watch telly - my own single choice of telly! First time ever! I can organise my books & DVDs in whatever random configuration suits me & then forget the system three days later. I can have tea whenever I feel like it & finally use all those special blends I’ve been saving for so long.

I will never EVER stop being grateful for this incredible gift. For opening my own curtains & looking out & feeling Home for the first time in so very long.

I have projects planned. I have things I want to do now. The whole world, cliche as it is, is open to me now. My oyster.

& I am so unbelievably lucky. Because I have the most special, supportive, loving, fantastic, spectacular circle of people around me. To help, to talk, to advise, to be there whenever I need them. I feel it! In a consistent, almost physical way, this warmth & joy inside that is this massive blanket of LOVE from them all.

Friends, family, people I could not do without. Who give their time & their concern & their attention. Just because I ask. Who check in when I’m forgetful. Who never judge me for my faults. Who make me laugh.

It’s almost like I can’t contain all of this happiness, it’s bubbling & roiling inside me, trying desperately to be expressed & I can’t figure out how.

Hence this brain splurge.

Plus I want to remember & be able to come back to this memory of being tucked into my arm chair, feeling so full of love & joy & excitement for the future. Because I know it won’t always be like this. & I need to remember.

So if you see this & are in your own dark forest & are looking for that one tiny star just visible through the tree canopy - I see you. & if I can help in any way, I want to. Because with all the love I’ve been given, I want desperately to share it. With anyone who needs it.

[elphabashepard]

A Lin thought but also a kind of general world thought?

First of all, after Lin saves Korra’s life that first time, when she sends out a cable for Korra, to enable her going after Amon, there is never a shadow of a doubt on either side.

Korra trusts Lin. 100%. Never doubts for a second that what Lin is trying to do, through any of the seasons after, is something she believe will help Korra. It’s almost akin to her belief & trust in Tenzin & is most likely intrinsically linked to Tenzin’s trust in Lin, but it’s beautiful & something that is chronically underrated in the series.

Lin also has a certain amount of trust in Korra. The fight scenes in S01E06 (& the Winner Is) shows she knows Korra can handle Moustache Guy on her own, is ok with letting Korra handle certain conflicts on her own, which I WISH was a dynamic that had been explored more, because Korra so rarely feels that confidence from the adults around her. Lin does everything so instinctively, gives trust & acknowledgement in very subtle ways.

The yearning part of me is very much pining for Lin to let Korra know how much she values her, to express in whatever way she can, that Korra has proven herself, has shown how capable she is, & that anything else is just Korra reaching further.

Also it’s so lovely to me that Lin’s first thought after she wakes up from being electrocuted by Amon’s minions is for Tenzin, to make sure he’s ok. It’s a lovely moment, shows Lin valuing people over all the political crap-mess.

It’s also very Lin that the trust she gives to Korra, the equanimity & help, all of it, is almost entirely based on the fact Korra can fight. She watched her wipe out Tano & try to go after Amon & something clicks.

Which I sort of get, because Lin must be surrounded by people who spout an awful lot of hot air, who never follow through, who are just a cog in the corporate/political wheel. It must be frustrating. & then to find someone who likes solving problems the same way you do must be cathartic. I’d fold them into my circle too.

Ultimately?

Lin is an amazing caretaker & I will apparently never stop having Thoughts about this woman.

[elphabashepard]

I hate that it wasn’t really shown properly, though I do understand why, but...

I love the fact that we start the series with Lin wanting the Avatar out of her city & probably looking forward to Tenzin moving to the south to train her so she wouldn’t have to deal with him being around anymore. Basically Lin is just closed off to everyone, no family, no connections except those she has at work.

And we end the series with her having reconciled with Su, being welcomed in by all of Su’s family, being reconnected to Toph, and having been adopted in to Tenzin’s family & being adopted as a sort-of-Aunt/parental-figure by the Krew.

She goes from having apparently no one to having a massive extended family who all love her and know how much she cares about them because she’s shown them, over & over again. And I choose to believe not one of them ever lets her forget it because she’s Lin & they love her & “No, Lin, you’re not getting out of this now. You’re stuck with us for life.”

(Gah, I can’t find the gif from James & the Giant Peach that would fit so perfectly here when Centipede says the same thing.)

So post-series, if she’s not heading over to Air Temple Island for dinner, she’s taking the boys to dinner or writing a letter to Su or (yes, you had to know it was coming) meeting Kya at her place for an evening in or training Korra in metal bending or meeting Asami to discuss her ideas for projects in the city and THAT, beautiful people, makes my heart so full.

Because that is what Lin deserves.

[elphabashepard]

Another Lin-in-Zaofu thought...

I’m hoping to get around to writing it out properly one day but I need to chuck some thoughts down here for now, while they’re there.

I can’t help wondering about the conversation that had to take place between Su & the kids when Lin passed out. Whether Opal asked her Mom exactly how hard she’d been hitting Lin (pretty damn hard, some of the hits Su lands still make me wince) & Su protesting (of course) that it hadn’t been that hard. Then Korra piping up that she’d seen Lin earlier & she hadn’t looked good then.

Then maybe Mako (who must have heard all the noise & come looking by now) would step in, saying they can figure it out later, for now they needed to get her off the floor & onto a bed so she could rest properly. So Korra lifts her, since she’s already holding her shoulders & Mako scoops up Lin’s legs until Su bends a metal sheet underneath her (hopefully looking at the very least worried, maybe a bit guilty?) with handles that Korra & Mako can hold to carry her back.

I think Bolin would hover, making sure she was secure, because as scary as Lin is, he’s still in awe of her & the site of her unconscious is making him worry.

& as they make their way back through the courtyard to Lin’s room, Aiwei sees them & comes over to ask what happened. After Korra explains, Aiwei looks troubled & explains he sent her to the acupuncturist.

Su says it makes sense now because after treatment, you’re not meant to overexhert yourself. Korra might snort at how typical of Lin it was to ignore that advice, but also frowns & asks why Aiwei recommended acupuncture.

Aiwei explains the stress he could sense in her body & how she’d flinched each time she moved too quickly & Korra maybe begins to feel guilty about pushing Lin so hard the day before.

They take her to her room & as gently as they can transfer her to the bed, Su bending off her metal boots, then Korra performing a task she’d literally never expected to do: tucking Lin Beifong under the sheets (which was surreal but Korra feels totally necessary since Lin looks so vulnerable like that) while Mako fetches her a glass of water for the bedside table.

Korra volunteers to stay with her, in case something happens, because she’s feeling guiltier by the moment at how pale Lin looks but Su insists Lin just needs to rest & says that if she’s not awake by tomorrow evening, she’ll check on her. Korra wants to protest that probably isn’t a good idea, since Su’s the one Lin’s mad at, but decides she won’t wait that long anyway. If Lin’s not awake by midday tomorrow, she’ll check on her herself (with Mako & Bolin as back up, because well, Lin was still Lin).

I wonder if Su did go & have a word with the acupuncturist, just to see if he could give them any more insight & he tells her that Lin seemed to be reliving certain memories, though he couldn’t tell what they were about. Su has a good idea though. There’s a big part of her that’s frustrated that Lin took so long to finally talk about all of this but there’s also a part that’s glad they’ve cleared the air just a bit.

I think dinner that night would have been a quiet thing, with a lot of minds wondering more about Lin than their food. I hope Korra remembers that crack Su maybe about Tenzin & squirms because while Korra was happy to tease Tenzin about the whole situation between him, Lin & Pema, she’d always somehow understood never to mention it to Lin & now it occurs to Korra that it was a bit of a cheap shot.

I also think this is probably when Su finally has that conversation with Mako about Lin being an excellent Police Chief & I can well believe Mako was happy to finally spill the positive things Lin’s done, not just for him, but for the Force & the city. All the things he’s learned from her, how fairly she’s always dealt with him & everyone else. How she’d been the one to point out he’d make a good officer after everything he’d done first tracking Korra down & then fighting Amon. I agree with plenty of others on here that all that Lin bashing earlier in the day would have made him uncomfortable & even a bit angry, but didn’t feel it was his place to contradict Su in her own house.

And all of this maybe makes Su uncomfortable because she’d never imagined anyone seeing Lin that way, because her memories of Lin are all from being a teenager & only seeing things through her own (understandably selfish) perspective, & then Korra had validated that impression. But now she realises that Lin is just as much a complex human being as everyone else & she can’t keep shoving her into the same stereotype she did when they were younger.

I hope that when Lin wakes up, after pushing through the embarrassment of passing out in front of so many people, she feels cared for in a way she hasn’t since she was little, warm from being tucked in & refreshed from the water she definitely needed. & somehow knowing it had been the kids to do those things.

I also wonder if it’s as she’s getting dressed & has to choose between the Zaofu robes that had been left in her room for her as a “gift” from Su, or her police uniform, that she makes a decision to accept she’s got to bend a little, that it’s the only way anything will change, that she doesn’t want to keep holding on to this grudge & making herself lonely just for the sake of it. She wants to apologise to Opal, because she hadn’t deserved Lin’s anger & she wants to talk to Su without feeling constantly angry. So she chooses the robes, knowing Su will notice & hopefully take it as the sign of peace Lin will still find impossible to say out loud.

And finally - I know a lot of people have theories about her behaviour when she opens up the door after Mako knocks, all of which make far more sense than this - but part of me believes than Lin swans out of that room, flashing a smile & a cheerful “Good morning” just purely to mess with them. (The side effect of making them speechless also meaning she doesn’t have to answer any questions, which she’d really rather avoid.)

[elphabashepard]

And another Lin thought...

I know I said before I forgive Korra for warming right up to Su & taking her side in ‘The Metal Clan’ & I do, I really do, because she didn’t have all the facts.

But that moment when she calls Lin “a bitter lonely woman” still makes my blood boil. & the fact she makes it clear Su said it first - how DARE she?? How dare Su pass judgement on Lin’s life when she’s not been a part of it for 30 years? How dare she use a fledgling connection with Korra to hurt her sister AGAIN!?

I really do believe there was a part of Lin that wanted to respond to Opal, that could hear the sincerity & honesty & the potential for a kind of love she hasn’t had in Far Too Long. But what has the hope of that kind of connection gotten Lin in the past?

Her sister. Her mother. Tenzin. All of them broke her heart in different ways. As far as we know, no one has ever stuck with Lin, given her the kind of unconditional love she so desperately deserves. & to be handed it on a platter by the daughter of someone who already deserted her, caused her so much hurt...

I don’t blame her for being angry. It’s basically a survival instinct at this point.

Also, while I do believe Opal is sincere, there’s also a blatant attempt at manipulating Lin by using Opal as the one to talk to her, which if it had been me, would have put my teeth on edge too.

(It’s not a huge leap to see that Lin’s earlier comment about Toph not really meaning her children were a blessing could lead to her out right thinking Opal is lying when she says she’s heard wonderful stories about her from Su & Toph. As far as Lin knows, they both don’t really like her/understand her/think very much of her at all.)

Between fear of vulnerability, fear & anger of being manipulated & a generally terrible not just day but probably few weeks all result in Lin doing what Lin does second best, after protecting people - shutting them out.

Which, if there had been an adult in the party who might have had a shot at understanding all the layers to these interactions, might not have led to Korra being an idiot & hurting Lin even more on top of everything. (While I know a few people have given it some wonderful goes & I love all of them, I think I will end up trying my hand at writing Kya into Zao Fu, if only for my own piece of mind, one day, because it really isn’t fair Lin is left as the only adult to four kids - yes, I know they’re growing up but they’re still kids - while potentially fending off four massively powerful criminals & then her sister to boot.)

But if my previous theories are correct about Lin having spent significant time with Korra & now being a little (lot) Soft about her well being, then Korra ultimately turning on her & siding with her sister really would have been the last straw. I know nobody wants to be spoken to like that, but having someone you care about say those words - no wonder Lin finally started crying.

(Which, I won’t lie, absolutely KILLS me every time, because:

1. How much is she keeping rattling around inside her that this is the moment she finally can’t hold back the tears anymore? Why The Hell is it any version of ok that she doesn’t have someone to help her? Not that she’d welcome the help, but damnit, someone should be there to give it anyway.

2. She’s silent. She’s become so conscious of any expression of emotion that she cries silently. No one should have to learn to do that.)

[elphabashepard]

It just occurred to me (after the 10th re-watch of both damn seasons) that the Golden Monkey (personally, I quite like the name Ozymandias though I know it’s not strictly canon) loves Marisa so damn much.

Everything she does to him, all the pain she puts him through, all the rejections and being forced to hurt others & what does he do? He keeps reaching out to her. He tries his absolute best to comfort her any way he can, including letting her hurt him.

(That line of Lee’s about being grateful for it, the hurt, when it came still absolutely floors me every time because he’s been in a room with this woman for one hot minute & he’s already managed to distill the ugliest parts of her down to one sentence & it nearly breaks her.)

It’s quite comforting to know that some tiny part of Marisa, even if it’s an external part that she suppresses frequently, isn’t completely swallowed by self loathing. & it’s comforting that we see one, maybe two instances where Marisa actually accepts his comfort, that Marisa hasn’t managed to shake the urge to allow herself to self-soothe completely.

I totally agree with so many on here that her parents used the Monkey to hurt her & that she’s never told anyone about it. Which makes it all the worse when Lee works it out so quickly, because I’d be willing to bet no one has ever seen through her like that & her thoughts would have been a screaming, furious run of how could she have allowed that to happen, how had she been so careless???

She internalised all those messages about being guilty, being unworthy, being ignorant & despite having proven herself again & again, even just to herself, she can’t shake those words. So she punishes herself in the only way she knows will make it better. By hurting the Monkey & when she feels alone enough, herself. & he lets her because he knows everything she’s feeling & thinking & he wants to do whatever he can to help her.

It’s so heartbreaking, when you think about it.

I know Marisa is awful, in so many ways, I know her list of crimes is a mile long. But I can’t help wishing someone could see how mangled her insides are, how much of what she has become was done to her & just be kind to her. Just help her. (Which, I won’t lie, is why I love the idea of her spending more time with Mary, because Mary would not take any s**t but she would also be kind.)

Because (admitting I haven’t read the books in a while, so this may be wildly off) Azriel certainly doesn’t seem to have done that. & it infuriates me that they’re meant to be this wild, romantic love story when he doesn’t seem to care. Yes, he loved her, but that’s a very different thing from caring.

[elphabashepard]

Another Lin thought...

Can you imagine how FURIOUS Lin got when she found out that Raiko banished Korra from Republic City? That he thought he had the right to banish her at all would have been galling, because - reality check here - she is the reincarnation of the person who Founded The Damn City (with help).

But then, on top of that, Lin finds out half of the people she’s come to care about so deeply, to feel That Kind of Protective over are all fricking LEAVING to go search for Air Benders, in innumerable locations where she won’t be there to watch over them, to help, to just Be There in a way she’s gotten used to.

& all of that is because Raiko made a stupid ass decision based on his own ego & needs & political stance.

You can’t tell me she didn’t treat Raiko like dirt for weeks after he made Korra leave.

After which, she feels totally vindicated doing because Of Course there’s a band of crazy criminals that have been locked up for over a decade lose in the world & after them & Of Course the Avatar & her entire inner circle are all Out There, vulnerable & entirely beyond her protection.

Which means she now has to leave the city she’s sworn to protect in the hands of people she’s not entirely confident will protect it as she would (not that anyone would ever be worthy of that expectation because, well, Lin’s expectations are what she holds herself up against & she hasn’t measured up yet, not even once) & go chasing across the Earth Kingdom, trying to protect Korra & everyone else in unfamiliar territory, with no back up, no Police Force, none of the power that being in Her City affords her. It’s so much more than infuriating.

In short, it’s no wonder Lin was heading for a breakdown by the time they made it to her sister.