In The Lonely Hour (4/10)
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Summary: A collection of canon-compliant one-shots that provide glimpses of Killian's life based on the album "In the Lonely Hour" by Sam Smith.
I've Told You Now "The deeper the lie, the more truth in its echo."
Entering the expansive cavern went against every instinct Killian had honed over the centuries of surviving on this bloody island. He shoved aside the memories of the sailors' cries that were lost due to his ignorance of this particular cruelty. Far too many men had died before he learned that you must speak a truth for the cave to permit your escape. Even after they understood this, he lost men to the cave. Those who refused to face the lies they told themselves suffered slow deaths but were afforded the peace and comfort of their deceptions.
The cruelty of this game of Pan's would have lasting effects on the interactions between everyone in this family. The way they cared for each other meant the lies they harboured were in protection of one another, they were truths hidden out of kindness and bound in the depths of their hearts out of love for one another. The words that would be spoken would free those truths and, in doing so, shatter their perceptions. These were the truths that would force them to reframe their understanding of one another.
Once Killian offered his recently discovered truth into the air, he felt an emptiness that he hadn’t anticipated. For centuries, he knew the loss of his only love. He was defined by his devotion to avenging her death. His entire persona was crafted around the need to right the wrong of her life taken by an evil lizard of a man. His revenge on her behalf was a noble calling that consumed him completely. Without it, there was nothing.
Except for that kiss. Uncharted lands were begging to be plundered in that kiss.
When her lips crashed into his, his heart had stirred. And, a truth he'd tucked carefully under layers of flirtation and swagger surfaced.
As he stood apart from the group, his words heavy between them, he felt cold and small. A feeling enhanced by the enormity of the cavern around them. Emma stared hard at him, her eyes filled with a storm of emotion for a moment. She blinked it away, those walls of hers firmly in place.
Killian could not move on from that moment, even when a piece of the bridge appeared, even as other secrets were revealed. He kept replaying that moment, trying to read the storm in her eyes to best adjust his heading to survive whatever was to come next.
——
A quiet thick with tension settled over the campsite as the final rays of sunlight faded away. A feeling of loss squeezed Killian’s chest as he kept watch with the company of his flask. He knew the game had hurt them, but he thought that they were stronger than any of Pan’s twisted machinations. He needed them to be stronger. Love should be stronger, he wanted to yell it at them and shake them out of this strangling silence.
Leaves whispered behind him, followed by the crunch of the grass underfoot. Straightening, Killian tucked away the smile that threatened, “Swan, how nice of you to join me.”
He could feel her eye roll as she sat beside him on the fallen tree trunk. Her arm brushed against his coat and he yearned to feel her warmth against him once more. He would never be able to forget the soft silk of her hair between his fingers, the fullness of her lips as she pressed them into his, or the yearning for more - more of everything - in her green eyes before she close them off from him. He wanted so much more than a one-time thing and he knew she did, too.
“Pan really did a number on us,” Emma said, nodding toward the campsite.
“He's a demon. He knows how to draw the worst things out of you and use them to control you,” Killian offered his flask to her. Emma took it, taking a long drink before handing it back to him. A few drops of escaped rum rested on her bottom lip and he watched her, mesmerised, as she rubbed her lips together, smearing the rum over them, leaving them glistening. His throat suddenly felt dry; he took a long pull from the flask to steady himself clear the thickness in his throat.
“She wants to be a mom. She said she missed it with me,” Emma’s voice started soft but gained strength as she spoke, “She missed it with me. She sent me through a wardrobe, alone, to a different realm, and she is upset that she missed it with me?”
Emma scoffed in bewilderment, “I was alone, Hook. I was alone and they justify it because I was the one destined to save them. An infant. Alone. But, it’s okay because I am ‘the Saviour’ and ‘we’re all together now’.”
Killian wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his side, “You should be mad. No kid should be abandoned.” His heart pounded with anger on behalf of the young girl thrown into an unknown world, for the young boy sold to pay off another’s debt, and for the stories behind all the cries now filling the overly hot Neverland night.
“I hate them sometimes,” she admitted softly, leaning into his arms. He rested his chin on the top of her head, his heart breaking for her and still raging at the injustices of the worlds; a child should not have to save her parents. He hated that she’d had to build those walls to survive. He hated that she felt she had to keep building them up around her parents, she deserved the family she’d always desired. He hated them, too, for the sadness in her voice and loneliness that meant she could hear the wails of the lost ones.
“I know, love,” he soothed, speaking into her hair. He fought the urge to kiss her on the top of her head, she was being vulnerable with him and he was absolutely not going to do anything to jeopardise that. Instead, he tightened his arm around her, “They should have been there. They were your parents and they should have been there.”
“Oh, they’ll be there this time,” Emma’s voice was flat, a calm surface disguising the powerful currents below.
Brennan tucking in his replacement son flashed in Killian’s memory, “Hate them as long as you need to.”
“Thanks.” After a beat, she sat up suddenly and turned to look at him, “Hook, why are you here?”
“I’ve got the first watch,” Killian replied.
Emma cut her eyes at him, not buying his feigned ignorance for a moment.
“Swan, I…,” Killian started, but he stopped himself. His eyes were begging her to drop the question and just let it be. He would not lie to her if she kept pressing. But, this wasn’t the time for another confession. She knew how he felt. He knew declaring his affections for her mere moments after she’d let him peak over the fortress walls was the wrong thing to do. He knew that she needed the protection of her playful annoyance between them for now and he knew exactly how to pull that from her. He cleared his throat and smiled his most salacious smile before playing answering her question. “Didn’t you hear? I’m a proper hero, Swan. I’m here to reunite a brave young boy with his breathtakingly beautiful mother so that she’ll grace me with one of her rare smiles.”
Emma rolled her eyes at him, but there was a sparkle in her eyes that gave him a sliver of hope. She pushed off the tree and turned toward the camp, “Good luck getting that smile out of Regina,” she called over her shoulder as she disappeared into the jungle, returning to the camp where her parents and Baelfire would be waiting for her.
Killian shuttered at the image she’d conjured in his mind. But, his heart leapt at the playfulness in her words. The simple fact she was playing with him, teasing him, even in these bleak surroundings filled him with a bright lightness that he would die to protect; it was a warmth he hadn’t known he was missing, but he knew he could not continue to survive without it. He was already a captive of her siren song; and, he was all too willing to let it drown him.
Hook, why are you here?
“To prove that I am more than I have been, Swan,” he looked to the stars, as if they could help him navigate this mess he was in, “and, maybe, to become someone worthy…” but even in the safety of the still night he couldn’t say it aloud.
Yet, his heart kept beating with a desperate need, with a new goal that he would pursue with even more fervour than he had his revenge on the Crocodile, with the truth that had surfaced when their lips met, and the thing he needed as much as his next breath; I need to prove that I am someone worthy of you.
