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#(the opposite of organizational tags are #echo tags:#)#and the self-laughing half-bowing half-curtseying to yourself standing with your song as you learn this learn it yet again #what intensity of extremity-of-its-kind creature i wish i had laid eyes upon years ago #i’ve never felt a dream that made me feel so dizzyingly desire mad i feel more brightly insane just thinking about it #it is the whole glory of life to be stamped with this Truth: YOU LIVED. desires lit and seals set from your world and lifetime ARE LIFE. of #ofcourse i@always had starson the insides ofmi eyelids about ‘we who wrestle with g-d’ but secretly even from other jews i have #‘wrestle and overcome and mount g-d like a bitch in heat BECUZ they are beautiful and powerful and huge and terrifying and everything’#‘surely They must laugh in glee if we ever truly succeed in doing so????’#what starts as resilience falls in love and symbiosis with what you were long-sufferingly wrestling with #all the truest parts of me blushedswollen in reaction and anticipation #the personal mythology of a human lifesoulminddesire is so so So intricate and full of willful implacable unanswerable power about what #infinitely complex and mysterious that no one else can fathom them with a mere violent and erasing dismissal about ‘u’ vs 'society'#we have reached heights far beyond the tower of babel but it is this thirst for understanding that marks us as like unto g d #being born and living. the truth of your longings are stamped like a seal upon your heart in ways so unique and precious and secret and #could be i am her.....i will sell it for no less than a third of your names....argghhh!#but is actually existing as the flaming friction intensity made in the grinding of extreme power #as a jew i say 'b'tzelem elohim' (in the image of g d') + ''ehyeh asher ehyeh' (i am that i am = i will be whatever i will be')#paradoxes and puzzles and wry defeats....they are everything #in a clever paradoxical twist of ponderinghood....what’s the term for it #this is what g-d says to Itself before laughing Itself into a manic break #coal sings #and if u don’t vibe u pivot to projecting and accuse this girl of making demands by dint of being visibly mutilated by a violent crazy #mystical thing she did that brands her as the type of person who likes that and is ruined irrevocably by a thing only insane(tm) people do—#— g d and tamar talking to each other while tamar is standing in the middle of the street with motorbikes honking at her—#this is what i meant in that post about gd being psychotic and the creation of the universe the reintegrative fusion ignition #this is one of my favorites...the casually incongruous lights going about their way is such a familiar and happy memory #yessssss.....infinity opened inside your body. a wormhole or a new big bang that you expand into. rich and dense and glittering.#in the occasional best case scenarios it allows your soul to blast and flower into its whole size and shape and you know its dimensions.

another thing that is just so.....perfect becuz i’ve been here i know this unrepentant serenity of having done hurt as other people make demands of you while accusing you of making demands of them is this bit

And Elīya can’t help but wonder: what does Tamar know? Is she somehow aware of all the thoughts Elīya’s managed to have, following from that statement, nothing’s stopping you? Was this intentional on Tamar’s part? Did she—

“No,” Tamar says.

Elīya twitches, lets out a sharp breath.

“Still can’t read specific thoughts, but you’re feeling played, and I’ll have you know, I didn’t play you. Don’t give me that much credit.”

just!!!!!! that echo throughout the entire story of tamar being, to other people (lucifer and eliya especially), someone (thing) who is about them instead of about her, to project false narratives onto, or assign malice or intent or punishing or agency or caring or manipulation or compassion or guilt or affection or any other thing except Her.

and yet, at the same time, her intense simple uninterested truthful-to-herself her-ness does in fact elicit more true thought and momentum in other people than anything or anyone does. the litmus test that inspires reactions that say more about the one who sees her than about her herself (like G-d like G-d literally just like G-d both sehhinah G-d and jewish G-d!!!), and she she she she she (standing before the lord of song with nothing on her tongue but) so so so simply sure in her self-aware acceptance of what she knows so far and her ability to know what comes that—

I’ve told the truth / I didn’t come to fool you....

#girl with burned out and still burning eyes #b’tzelem elohim #the stars that rise at dawn #leonard cohen got me if nobody else got me #echo tags:#— g d and tamar talking to each other while tamar is standing in the middle of the street with motorbikes honking at her—#coal sings #< i’m slowly trying to backtag my original posts with this but it’s not done

thinking like a long repeating prayersong cantillation: tamartamartamartamar........she is so big-in-herself, so marked-with-herself, but more than that or perhaps actually the reason for that or because of that or both in am ourosbourous: so truthful-to-herself. preceding her Looking at the face of G-d as she rares up erezel plateau wantingwantingwanting, in the moment she begs G-d to let her see, and in every thought and word and act she makes even years afterwards — she is so truthful-to-herself, an infinitely singularity-intense honestysureness in what she knows even if the only single tiny needle-slender thing she knows is that she does want, because she Will Not lie to herself either by omission by denying the want she does know, nor by commission in making up untruthful ideas to fill those yawning embarrassing gaps of of why does she want and who she is who wants, that she doesn’t know.

and it is this infinitely full-in-herself, condensed-in-herself, truthfulness to herself that makes her like unto G-D.

#girl with burned out and still burning eyes #gd is the aorta and the vena cavas #j #the stars that rise at dawn #questioning ht and lt tag for me #echo tags:#i’ve never felt a dream that made me feel so dizzyingly desire mad i feel more brightly insane just thinking about it #coal sings

another leonard cohen song i think reminds me of holies (though not really tamar) is Born In Chains, if you’re familiar with it

oh yes! the pov of a very very different sort of person and holy than tamar, hmmm perhaps a younger safira? given their hinted process of like....either undergoing or observing a gauntlet of disappointment/false impressions and need for re-contextualizing and articulated writing about holies instead of annoying bankrupt projecting (hannusa or havilah) or half-cocked insanity (tamar)

butttt the chorus and the very last verse in particular i think would be perhaps more universal in-universe, especially in the reference to soul-stuff:

[chorus] Word of Words And Measure of all Measures Blessed is the Name The Name be blessed Written on my heart In burning Letters That's all I know I cannot read the rest

[verse] I’ve heard the soul unfolds In the chambers of its longing And the bitter liquor sweetens In the hammered cup But all the Ladders Of the Night have fallen Only darkness now To lift the Longing up