I would like to preface this story with a disclaimer. I am likely bipolar with manic and psychotic features. My mind thinks about things VERY differently, and that scares people. It scares people, because it speaks directly to their subconscious, and shakes them at their core.
TW: Suicide, Religious Trauma
After my accident, I was in a very dark place. I was in so much pain, and unable to move. I got to a place where I attempted suicide, and went to inpatient for 10 days. When i got back, I was not better. I was still at rock bottom. I remember the last night before everything changed. I was begging and pleading for some higher power to take me away from this existence.
I never pray. I resent God and Christianity for everything its done to our planet and communities. There is an empty spot in my programming where God and spirituality and religion existed, and that has caused a lot of problems throughout my life. Like I said, up until this point, I had thought of my brain as a computer. But the thing is. I don't know how computers work.
And because of that, there was a little guy up there, running around putting out fires and plugging stuff in where they didn't belong, trying to compensate for various holes in my programming.
Until this night. When I called out. Something heard me. I woke up the next morning, and my body was abuzz. As if thousands of bees had moved in and made their home in my chest.
Then it all started to unravel and make sense. This was the answer. This was the answer to the hole in my programming left by the betrayal of God and Christianity.
Slowly I began to explore the deeper meaning and symbolism associated with bees and they began to do their work in me. Converting this old abandoned and decrepit body, mind and soul into a thriving ecosystem.
The metaphor was strong, and it dug up a lot of trauma that I had to face and resolve. But ultimately it was for the better. I have reconnected with my creative soul and found purpose.
The metaphor isn't perfect by any means, but it is leaps and bounds better then what I was given at birth. I'm still wrestling with the idea and voice of God that lives within me, but the bees are winning, and the spirit of nature is taking over my life.
It's been a beautiful and heart opening experience. And the next time someone asks me if I've let Jesus into my heart, I will reply "No, I have a horde of bees there".