My Head is Spinning
My life.....right now is a continuous bland of mush which I'm trying to improve, but apparently to everyone else, it's not, and I'm just running myself in circles. Which I hate. I'm trying to improve my relationship with my boyfriend which is losing to the logic in my head and to top it all off, he presented me with a hypothetical situation of his sister offering us their house. It's a nice house, don't get me wrong it's just in a not so nice neighborhood and it's in the fucking woods. I'm not a woodsy person, despite my trailer camping ventures. I like the woods when I camp and walk. Living there, absolutely not. Ontop of that, because of my uncertainty with my boyfriend, I have no idea how much I should spend on him for Christmas. I'm debating just to get him a $30 something sports shirt (because God forbid the man should like anything geeky I buy him or live without his Yankees and Jaguars). I honestly feel like there's....dwindling trust when it comes to gift giving. I do trust him, but with gifts anymore.....well....he kind of fucked up on his behalf. Maybe I did too, I don't know. I bought him a $60 Delorean for our anniversary and he was so damn bland about it, you could tell he disliked it, but refuses for me to return it. Now I'm uncertain on how much I should spend on him in fear he doesn't like the gift, but if it's sports, he'll break down the Wall of China for it, and in a way, it saddens me. I feel as though I can only buy him something sports, not anything relating to a particular geeky thing he likes, or something with meaning. I've bought him things with meaning before, but it just seems like he only enjoys them for a brief period before growing bored. Which makes me wonder sometimes. I don't want to constantly be buying him sports stuff because it's just so damn dull. There's more to life than just sports. There's art, there's Back to the Future, there's travelling. I also have uncertainty with him because I have a very basic plan in my head: sell my work, full time job, apartment, house. That's it. Cause I don't know what full time job I'll be going for (anything really works, love office work honestly), apartment and house (I don't know their locations, but they'd be great plus I know what I want). It doesn't seem enough for him. He wants details. Yes, because I'm going to look into the future, and be like: hey honey I want to live in a Victorian house by 2025, can we do that? Yet what details does he have of his own life? None. He has the same basic ideas I do and yet he somehow thinks his plans are well thought out. He says my basic plan is crushing him - how? Especially when yours are the same way? You're not better than me, you're in the same canoe I'm paddling. And then there's everything else. My job is horrific, it's a dead end job, and I'm pretty much on everyone's shit list for doing something right they didn't like. There's no full time around here and if there is I have to drive 3 hours to it with a car that's only supposed to run up to 36k miles (it's a lease). I feel like I'm failing NaNo and I'm trying my best on it because I love doing it. I want to move out of my house and get an apartment, but I want to be financially secure. I see all (or most of) my friends who took a chance and got an apartment and now they're about to lose it and possibly become homeless or move in with the parents. I understand everyone has different situations, but, wouldn't it be better to be financially secure as opposed to throwing caution to the wind, and moving someplace? But with how this economy is.....I don't think anyone is financially secure. Rather they have what they have and utilize it to the best of their ability, as they should. Honestly the only moving out plans I have is with my boyfriend and that's if we make it to next year. If not, I'll just embrace it, and go myself cause I don't need a man to do everything or be with a man to do everything. Everyone is moving out and starting their lives and as always, I'm the one behind trying to be secure about it. I want to start my life, I want a new job. I feel like these things will help me greatly. My health....it's not good. I haven't been able to sleep in the past few weeks because of my emotions with my boyfriend, life itself, and pretty much everything else I just ranted about. I sometimes feel like I'm going to fall right over at work and just sleep. I can't stop eating. Literally, I feel like I'm eating everything in sight yet I only eat one or two meals a day (lunch and dinner or just dinner). I love my body and I don't have any problems with it, I just know that I'm off. Plus the SAD may be kicking in so that doesn't help. I'm at a loss, really. Cause I'm trying to improve everything yet nothing seems to be working.