#ee2dieem

[ee2dieem]

06/03/2017

"i breathe you in without fail and then i think twice before i exhale." the song starts slow and rhythmic, and my fingers are tapping on the screen trying to keep up with these running thoughts you so conveniently put to mind. how do i even begin? at what point do i start telling the story of a he and a she and a 'not yet' or a 'never will be'? it's ellipses before the big reveal, an empty page before the final chapter, that unreadable expression before the slow smile (or before the burst of tears?) where, when does it end? (or) does it even? so the cursor blinks, patient as it goes back and forth in a hurried, confused dance of added words and deletes, because there's another thought and then another but oh, they don't read as good as they feel. so the dance repeats. my brows furrow, the letters add up momentarily before vanishing again. A pause. I sigh. The cursor blinks (unassuming that it is) and the cycle repeats. It must have been a while and the song's almost at end. I know i haven't written much since but in my defense, this time isn't fiction. Matters do have a way of getting complicated in reality. Still, maybe i could have done more. Because surely, "There's this boy, you see. And he just gets me." couldn't just be 'it', right? (Oh, but it is.) Damn. The things you do to me.

[ee2dieem]

Let this be my apology for now until the time we could talk and i could tell you in person. I am very sorry for hurting you. If there was a chance you felt unappreciated, insignificant or unwanted, that was never an intention. Nor was it ever an idea to pursue. Had you been reading this blog (and today i really hope you are, despite probably digging up a deeper hole to fall in) you would know it's been you. It had been you for a while now. And I have tried multiple times to let go for the sake of avoiding whatever imminent awkwardness the revelation would produce - because if i could have you as part of my life in any way despite the lesser degree i would take it. But my being secretive was for nothing because here we are - as distanced as i had imagined. The anger though, I wasn't ready for that.

You are, as I have always said, a friend first more than anything. My last intention would be to ruin what we have. Mahalaga ka. Sobra. I would not be this unsettled if you don't mean much to me.

I never meant to hurt you.

I hope you could find it in yourself to forgive me. Take your time. When you're ready, let's start having a better relationship. I'd like for you to tell me when and how my actions have affected you, especially if negatively. I have told you na natatakot ako na mag-impose o mag-reach out kasi baka lumayo ka ulit. The anger might flare again and I really don't know how to deal with it. Iintayin na lang kita mag-cool down. Then we can talk and settle things. Miss na kita, i hope you know that. And I would always wish you happiness and peace of mind.

I heard that things might be troublesome for you now and if you need an outlet, please find someone to talk to. Talk. Rationally. Without the smoking, without the alcohol. Find someone at least to listen.

I wish you'd make your decisions after much consideration and a clear mind.

Bati na tayo ha. Miss na kita.

[ee2dieem]

Thirteen: For now

i dreamt of you again. 

this time i had woken from the bedroom i seldom slept in, my roommates already at the dining table supposedly reviewing. the sound of conversation had woken me and i looked up, still groggy from sleep, to recognize a figure whose back was to me. there’s a flit of suspicion before you turn sideways and i confirm that you indeed have come.

as if you all realized i am awake, three pairs of eyes turned to me. i just stared back at you though, my mind muddled from sleep and yet refusing to accept your presence. i remembered laying my head down - prone that i am - and heard movement from the living room. your voice comes to me, muffled by the pillow on which i’ve shoved my face on. You had said, “Tutulog pa ulit cya?” (She’s going to sleep again?) and my roommates answered, “Kakahiga lang nyan” and “Puyat kagabi”. (She just went to bed / (She) Stayed up late last night.)

The bed dips on my right side and then there’s a familiar weight on my back, where you had apparently draped your body. I stay still, hopefully in a convincing display of slumber, but you wiggled and so did i. My then moan of protest is answered with your laugh (and in the foggy state of mind i thought i missed that sound). Your chin rested on my shoulder. 

We stayed just like that for a while, the warmth of your body an added comfort I let happen. There was no why or how in my dream. Things like that could come another time because after all at that point we already are. For the sake of dreams, that is all that mattered.

You eventually moved, pushing higher against me and there’s the brush of your lips on my nape. You whispered, “Hello. Missed me?“ 

Unwilling that i am to move or lose your weight above me, I just smiled.

I half-expected you to be there when I woke up for real despite already having that feeling it wasn’t going to be so. Ok na din because in this version the whys and hows would have to be answered and this is not the time in my life for things like that. Or for people who put what ifs I dare not ponder on. I am at the playing field of my career right now. As regretful as it is to say, I would have to pass on whatever this is temporarily.

let me just say that if how i saw you last night is as you are in reality these days, then I’m happy for you. 

I’ll see you again in my dreams sometime.

[ee2dieem]

Three: Roadtrips and you

you make me want to go on a roadtrip with you. somewhere far, like Ilocos or Baguio or Batanes. the windows will be rolled down and a mix of pop and country music will be playing loud enough to get us in the groove to sing along or most of the time dance to it. the back seat will have hastily packed overnight bags, blankets and groceries from our spontaneous shopping spree of snacks (and lots of water) earlier. i’ll have my sunglasses on, and because it’s a long trip i’d be wearing a dress or a shirt and shorts. something comfortable, and that would look good in the pictures. (you know there’s be a LOT of those before we even get to wherever we're going) you’ll have the same laid back look and i might find myself stealing glances at you because you have that charm, even in casual wear. damn you.

you’d most likely start the conversations, and i’d be the one to start the singing. when it gets dark and you get a little tired, we’d switch and i’d let you sleep. and when my eyes start to ache, we’d find some place to stop by for the night, recline the seats and fall asleep curled up under the blankets.

when morning comes, you’d wake me with a cup of coffee - because it turned out you had been prepared more than i originally thought and that’s sweet as hell - and we’d find breakfast in one of those roadside tapsihans and in between bites we’d enjoy the silence, unprovoked to start talk because we like things gradual and it’s 5AM and that’s just what we need for now. we might walk awhile, chatting up locals for the wheres and hows and taking just a little too many photos because it will be some time before it happens again.

When we finally decide to get back on the road hours later, we’re a little more excited for this. you start the car, i queue my playlist and we’re off, doing the same crazy things we did yesterday. you’d laugh out loud, making your eyes crinkle just a little bit more on the sides. your hands will be tapping along with the song and my head will be nodding to the beat. sometime during the drive you’ll roll the windows down again and we’d stick our arms out, going full roadtrip mode when we shout out, uncaring of the cars and people we’d pass.

it’s crazy. we’re crazy. this is a bit far from happening but i like it for too many reasons. you, mainly. plus the way you make me smile even when we aren’t anything right now. but yeah.. still other reasons.

[ee2dieem]

The pain.. it isn't too sharp anymore. It isn't there when I see you, when our eyes meet, when I happen to hear your name uttered casually by a mutual friend, even when we get too close in passing that your scent remains momentarily. The absence is nearly comforting, because finally matters could again exist without you at their center. Don't misinterpret. There's a difference between not having the pain and moving on. I simply chose to let it pass. To ignore you. It still isn't okay. I doubt it ever will be.

[ee2dieem]

Of Trusting and Vulnerability

And a part of you goes with them. It was private, it had been hidden, revealed only because there was the passing of momentary trust. And now, with that person gone, you pray the world wouldn’t know. You will be part of their conversations, surely, those curious minds posing questions to one party because the other half simply couln’t be there, not when there was so much that went on between them a simple meeting of the eyes is enough to bring silly, stupid emotions into resurrection.

You pray that when they are asked what really happened, why things didnt work out, the answers they’d give are acceptable ones - general and yet clear. Unblaming. Honest. You hope it ends there, along with keeping the for-us thoughts alone.

Because with one slip, however casual, you are suddenly, inevitably exposed. It was one fact and yet would be enough for them to claim they know you. It’s sad, defeating even, when one is defined from stories. There will always be two sides – people fail to realize that. Still, they listen to what they feel more believable, or more expressive.

It gets chaotic. From your silent world, people start to piece out the you they ‘know’. To think that it all stemmed from a brief vulnerable moment that was only, originally, shared by two. Things get complicated because people tell stories and they make a fucked-up fairytale out of it.

When you’ve been hurt bad enough and for the first time, how do you keep up the pretense of looking so.. composed? How do you not tell them that it isn’t okay, that it hurts at times you least expected.. least wanted? How do you get out of something that’s complicated and lacks closure?

How do you tell that person, good-manneredly, that he’s all kinds of broken and that now you are somehow that too? How do you demand to be fixed, knowing they have a part of you that will never be returned, at least not in the same way you had it?

[ee2dieem]

“I begin to think that maybe this is how things would be, or in a more correct term, what it should have been all along.

It mattered so much because there was no one else, and because it was the first time of things. I now begin to accept that eventually we would get tired of each other because in the first place we dont have something concrete to hold on to. We match in less number of things than i could count. We were just "friends with benefits in a different sense”, and people like that get on with their daily lives without the other. We aren’t a package deal. We looked like it the first time.. and look where it brought us.

This was bound to happen. This is, however inconvenient, what is right and what i deserve. You aren’t a permanent fixture in my life. You wouldn’t be.“

–Before I Forget, Ch.0

[ee2dieem]

22-06-2013

And you can’t tell anyone how bad it hurts, not because they wouldnt understand but because however cruel it sounds, whatever they say would do nothing to make it better. Because in the end, the only one who could is the very person who caused it. What’s ironic is, in that moment, there’s still a sliver of hope - that when you wish things had never changed. You are caught up between wanting to keep pretending and moving on. It hurts like nothing you’ve felt before, and yet you’d rather the pain if it means living on the goodness of the past a little while more.