#eefspeaks

[the-sand-guardian]

Do you have a partner? Do you want one? Do you like lifesteal? If you answered yes to any of these questions, look no further than my all-purpose Lifesteal Valentines cards!!

(Made these right before bed and after a stream so i did NAWT get through everyone, but maybe I'll make more for requests if you drop them in my askbox ;))

[the-sand-guardian]

Early Sunsets Prologue

7 months ago, the world was normal, save for one small lab in the middle of nowhere. The lab was ordinarily quiet and privately owned by the head scientist (and most likely his janitor too), but this was about to change. Pac was only beginning to pull on his coat and start his day when his janitor, the only other staff he ever had regularly around) alerted him to a van pulling into the driveway. The vehicle was almost entirely unmarked, save for a large insignia on the side that Pac knew at once: The Federation. He stepped back from the window, his eyes wide and his jaw clenched. He hadn’t been working on anything illegal- well, not recently- but there was no reason for the government to be on his ass this time. A car door slammed shut outside as both Pac and the janitor quickly pulled every blind down. 

“Calma, calma- It’s going to be alright Pac. You didn’t do anything wrong, what could they possibly want from you?” The janitor cooed softly to the other as he had begun to pace. 

Pac dug a hand into his hair. There were voices outside, but they weren’t distinct enough for him to actually make out words. “Fitchi- They don’t come here for no reason! They might kill me! Or us! Or you!” 

A hand gently clasped ahold of Pac’s, and another soon took his other. “I will protect you if it is the last thing I do, Pac,” Fit gently squeezed his hands. Pac hoped it never ever came to that. A knock at the door finally pulled them from each other’s eyes. 

Pac begrudgingly let go of his janitor’s (lover’s) hands and crossed the room to get the door. A masked employee greeted Pac blankly before stepping past him into the lab. Another employee followed, and Pac quickly noted that both had large guns within his view. Finally, a third fed followed behind them. This one was not visibly armed, but the chill dancing down Pac’s spine told him he didn’t need to be. This worker was still clad in the signature ghostly white of the Federation, but they wore their long white hair in a crafted bun atop their head. Their uniform was different, too. Instead of the smooth white masks of the grunts, this worker had an unsettling smile printed onto their mask and a pair of bear (he assumed) ears attached to the top. If Pac weren’t so on edge, he might have been able to admire the clear effort that had gone into their appearance. No more employees came in, but he doubted the Federation would waste a full van on three people.

“Can I help you?” Pac asked, straightening up his posture a little before slumping just slightly again. Fit’s firm hand found its way back into Pac’s. 

“Actually… you can.” The third employee spoke slowly and carefully, crossing to the centre of the room now. The other two flanked either side of them like the bodyguards they may well have been. “You see, the Federation has been keeping a close eye on this here…laboratory… for quite some time now and we think that, perhaps, you might be of some use to us.” 

Pac cocked his head to the side a little before looking over at Fit, who was equally as confused. It wasn’t like Chume was one of those major labs right now. They weren’t pumping out medicine, or drugs, or even anything really. Shouldn’t the Federation have their own labs? Fit squeezed his hand slightly. Pac returned it. 

“Perhaps you’re not understanding me-” The Bear, as Pac was now mentally calling them, effortlessly switched into Portuguese despite never having an accent in English. “Pac, você tem habilidades que a Federação pode usar. Nós precisamos de você.” (‘You have skills the Federation can use. We need you.’)

Pac blinked a second before just staring. “O que- O que vocês precisam?” His gaze flicked over to Fit quickly, which did actually help him calm a little. He could practically hear his voice even though he wasn’t speaking, his eyes said it all. Calma, Pac, calma. Pac steadied the slight shake in his hands– the only real tell that he was nervous at all– and let out a quiet but heavy breath. 

“Seu laboratório é muito útil, e você é muito inteligente, mas… você sabe disso.” Pac could practically hear the smirk lurking in their voice. (“Your laboratory is very useful, and you’re very intelligent, but… you know that.”)

“E? E o que você precisa?” He took a small step towards them and started to study their mask now that he was no longer trembling too much to see straight. Now he could see that this mask was even further different from those of the usual feds. This mask had actual eye holes behind a thin mesh that made up the dull eyes of the smile printed onto it. Something about this caused the hair on his neck to stand on end. He hadn’t even noticed previously that the plain white masks didn’t have eye holes, but now that he had, that shiny plastic (assumedly) would be burned into his brain. 

“Eu quero que você crie um vírus.” (I want you to create a virus.)

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Authors notes: Hello!! If you enjoyed this please please reblog and be ready to catch the rest of the fic on Ao3 tomorrow! The rest of this fic is going to be Spiderbit with some cutaways to Fit and Pac bc I had so much fun writing them here! Also, feel free to send me asks about the AU as it comes out!!

[the-sand-guardian]

From My Rotting Body - Chapter 5

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

This chapter is just as horrifically gay as the last one but also jam packed with clues!!

Three things in this chapter are:

A ring

A visit

A text

I hope you enjoy the chapter, and if you do, please reblog this, leave comments/kudos, and feel free to send me asks about it!!

[the-sand-guardian]

Fake Rivals Clownzy

Hi gay people!! HI!!

I finally wrote that Clownzy fic i was talking about like a week ago, so i hope you enjoy it!!

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

While writing this chapter, I realized how gelphie coded these two are and also this song is their whole dynamic throughout this fic. Like they think they hate each other but they just Don't.

[the-sand-guardian]

From My Rotting Body - Chapter 4

https://archiveofourown.org/works/58990255/chapters/158320810

This chapter has a lot of lighthearted and fun bits but is also full of foreshadowing :3 We're really upping the ante with this one.

Three things in this chapter are:

Lions

A car

Darts

I hope you enjoy the chapter, and if you do please reblog this, leave comments/kudos, and feel free to send me asks about it!!

(I couldn't get the link to work like it normally does, so hopefully this will do)

[the-sand-guardian]

Phrases to learn in your target language

I know a lot of people make these lists but as a bona-fide linguist, here are some phrases your vocabulary might be missing!

Do you hate me?

I'm not mad just disappointed

Where is the bathroom?

So you want me to kill myself?

So you do hate me

Do you have a weapon in your purse?

You smell just like my mom

Can I check your purse for weapons?

Do you always look like that?

Are you sure you don't have a weapon in your purse?

Do you pinky promise?

Are you aware that your eyes aren't symmetrical?

Have you always had so many teeth?

Can I have one of your teeth

If there is a weapon in your purse you are legally required to tell me

If you run in the house I will hit you

Do not run in my house

stop running in my house

That's the devil talking

Are you Catholic?

You look like you have opinions on almond milk

Hope you find these useful!

[the-sand-guardian]

Robotfuckers come and get your man

Spoilers for the newest season of pcfc below the cut!!

Do you ever just think about Abstract?? Like after spending God knows how long in the deepest layers of hell, he finally gets out to be with the only two people who ever visited him, only for one to poison him and habitually cheat too? And ik we don't know what happened to him over his disappearance but like that HAD to be brutal. You don't just go missing for a season and a half and come back with a new name, fashion sense, and a tv for a head. My biggest theory right now is that the screen portrays his thoughts so could you imagine being him?? The character we know probably the least about internally, suddenly having his thoughts on display for everyone to watch?? Anyways I'm pulling on his wires

[the-sand-guardian]

Whumptober Day 8: Isolation Chamber

A continuation of Day 2

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Cell was still stuck in solitary after his “friends” had escaped. He was on day 5 of his second week, and it was just as miserable as he’d remembered. He was used to it though, it had begun to feel like home in all honesty. Those four walls and big, heavy door had been there with him for so long now he began to take comfort in them. The rickety bed wouldn’t tell his secrets to anybody, and the solid concrete walls kept out unwanted intruders. The door would tell his secrets, he knew that. There was a little flap that sometimes opened to give him food or talk to the guards. It told them too much. He thought he honestly might prefer it if the door was just gone entirely. At least his beloved queridinho was back and safe. 

Pac and the others had been recaptured a few days after their initial escape. The door wasn’t very good at keeping the guards’ secrets, either. What a gossip! 

At least knowing Pac was safe brought him some comfort in that small room. Mike was alive too, which Cell could live with for now, same with Guanxinim. Apparently his queridinho had even stabbed a guard on his way out! It was heartwarming, really, it seemed like even the door was proud of Pac. The more Cellbit thought about it, the more he figured that light conversation with it might not hurt too badly. While the door may have been a snitch and a bastard, it was definitely a good listener. 

And so Cell began to talk to it. 

You don’t talk to the door while it’s speaking- That gets you told off from whatever’s on the other side of it. Cell had already figured that out. Sometimes, it gave him food, other times it didn’t. He didn’t care either way, he’d find a way to make do. When the door’s mouth was closed, though, it gave Cellbit free reign to talk. He talked to it about lots of things, but his favourite thing to tell it about was his queridinho. It didn’t seem to care much, but it was nice to get it out of his system. 

He’d tried to tell it about freedom before, too. A voice on the other side had laughed- actually laughed. Didn’t he know Cell had a lover outside of these walls to get to? Granted, he was only out in the general population of the prison, but that’s all the further Cell could handle him being. He was going to get back out of here, goddamn it, and he was going to kill Mike and Guanxinim for trying to steal his boyfriend! The door just laughed again. What a bitch. 

Just as Cell was gearing up to take a swing at the door for its awful attitude, a familiar voice came in close to the door’s mouth and opened it just slightly to speak through it. 

“Remember this, for me, will you?” 

Felps. 

There were several clicking sounds before Cell was met with a blinding light- Or maybe it was just regular light that felt blinding due to the weeks in darkness. The door had opened, and he wasn’t going to fumble this escape. 

“I’ll give you ten minutes to run, then I’m calling the other guards. Your time starts…now” 

And so Cell ran.

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Thank you for reading! I've also posted this to Ao3, where I'll be cataloguing all of my works for this month! I also have 3 other WIP fics, so if you enjoy my works please go show some love over there or feel free to shoot me an ask!

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works