sadly enough, my A obsession hasn’t died down yet. It doesn’t seem to be dying down any time soon…
hopefully I’ll be able to deal with it somehow.
I want people to see me like this. I don’t know why. It’s just, I like how they might respond to me like this. I think I’m a masochist. I like to hear others repeat sweet words to me before I crumble down again. I don’t know why. But I want people I care about to just
Repeat the same sweet words to me over and over again. Makes me feel loved. Important even. Despite my crumbling ego, it’s like people love me. A love that I can’t feel normally. Like I have to be in distress in order to feel love. I’m still trying to be prideful. But some parts of me yearn for this. I wonder if he’s insulting me rn. I sound like a freak. Oh well.
honestly, being hated feels oddly euphoric. Tragically euphoric. You despise me. Yet I can’t help but feel like I’m smiling. It’s better than being less than hated. It’s odd. I’m odd. And maybe that’s okay for once. I’m a lunatic and I now embrace the me I have despised for so long. I can’t help but feel like being abused by older people would make me feel oddly comfortable. I feel like I yearn to be groomed for the feeling of being so scarred by them, I can never be independent again or have any sense of an ego. It feels like I want to be abused because it means that I’m worth something. Worthy of being pitied and loved by others and worthy of being used by my abuser. I kept Bean’s DMs open and never blocked them. Cause I never want to lose someone who helped me out of something. Even if I’ll get abused by her. Maybe I should make older friends.
my grooming situation never truly felt like one.
It’s a terrible idea, but the idea of getting groomed again kinda intrigues me. It’s like I’ll have a “real” abuse situation where I was just used. I will be pitied. And I would have experienced real abuse. Tragic. Unhealthy. Horrible idea.
yet I keep imagining myself in it. In dangerous or abusive situations. So horribly toxic that it makes me cry yet, I keep going back. Back to toxicity. Back to the norm. Back to being worthy of being used. I don’t know why. Or what’s wrong with me. I just keep going back to imagining myself in a toxic ass relationship. So utterly pathetic and disgusting yet it thrills me. Maybe I am a masochist. Maybe I have a secret desire to get hurt and get worse. Maybe I would be thrilled to see your face when I’m being abused, used, assaulted, manipulated, mistreated, groomed, gaslit, coerced, and harassed by others in front of you. Playing dumb and acting like you don’t care or it’s not slowly killing me. I guess you could say that it excites me. So disgusting. Yet I can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction to me after I’m coerced into being sexually abused or something. I think it would be a thrilling experience.
