Getting better someday.

Drawing of candy apple cookie is by stikk_bugg Pfp template from vitadiva01

[veeveevents]

dni

Racists/pedos/zoos/you get the point. If you’re toxic and rude or hurt many people, get out.

also, y’all can call me Katty. She/They pronouns.

I should probably say some tw here

tw for sh and suicidal ideation, sexual stuff and sexual abuse, and maybe some more. I can’t think of any more yet-

if you want to not see any sexual stuff then I recommend blocking this tag. #Eevee’s sensual and icky thoughts

if you know me personally, this is what I want to say to you if you see this.

[veeveevents]

saw some blog with a dni

nothing too special about it until I saw

“if you don’t believe white people can be victims of racism” in it

which

I feel a little weirded out by.

where did you get that from? 🤨

[veeveevents]

iPad got small chip

my mind immediately went blank and started to get bothered by it

I don’t even know why it’s mostly hidden and there’s not even a noticeable crack on the screen

I can literally hide most of it

what’s wrong with my spoiled ass???

I swear every

single

time

something of mine gets damaged my brain immediately hyper focus on it and it’s gonna bother me till it fades so I have to wait it out like a prick

I swear my aunt was right about me being so spoiled that I drove my baby sitter away or something

fuck my life and this stupid brain

[veeveevents]

for the love of god

will my mom stop treating me like a toddler already?!

the infantilization is annoying. I hate it

when will she treat me like a person?

[veeveevents]

I’m getting sick of my mom

when will she stop yelling at me

I’m too tired to take a bath or do anything rn

now I feel so dirty

Yet I can’t keep up with my hygiene rn

I just want her to fucking stop

stop yelling and nagging me

let me rot in my bed

this is why I don’t go out while mom’s awake and here

fuckherfuckheri fucking hate her

[veeveevents]

i am brawling with myself rn

Dealing with intrusive homophobia thoughts

curse you blackjacklight

fuck ur homophobia ass

[veeveevents]

on a vacation

but my headaches cause I put my earbuds in too loud or too long or something

not feeling the best

probably overstimulated as hell or at least overwhelmed.

STUCK WITH MY PARENTS FOR 5 DAYS

while our relationship has calmed down, it’s still pretty strained

mom is making me wear clothes that shows off my boobs

I HATE MY BOOBS

I wanna get a binder soon

or at least two sport bras

I live in misery

Both in the web and irl

at least I’m getting back into drawing

Man I really need to cry my ass off rn

[veeveevents]

trying my best not to let my fears get to me

[veeveevents]

how the fuck do I react to my new friend sending me a meme of hitler that they drew out of boredom???

[veeveevents]

I am currently fighting inner demons

I really really really want to do something petty and shitty just to get back at my ex but I know that is not a good idea. And a shitty idea at that.

it’s just that I really want to be petty at that mother fucker. He (or whatever they go by these days) was really petty back when I was still with her. So I really want to return the fucking favor and give her a taste of her own medicine for once.

I’ve been trying to let go

and trying to stop thinking about her

but I will admit that I still love that stupid ass ideal version of her I made in my head while we were together. I stayed and put up with her shit because I loved that idealistic view of her. I loved that she loved me. I loved the stupid roleplay sex we had together. I love how she objectified me in those rps. It made me feel something closer to love or whatever. I loved her possessive side. I loved the parts of her that made her sorta worth it despite being kinda a bitch in hindsight. She made me feel wanted for once. Even in a group that I never truly fit in. She was charming as she was angry about everything. I still was captivated even though she couldn’t fucking changed if she was asked to. How many times will she excuse herself with her anger issues over fucking everything? And why does Tobi even stay with that gal?? She dates the people she shit talks for fuck sakes. I cannot believe the amount of toxicity I had to go through back then.

still, she made me accept my sexual thoughts and eventually it became something more. Now I just feel really weird about sex. I still kinda wanna read those sexual messages we had together. All the sexual stuff we’ve sent to each other. And the flings we had. I was essentially her sex toy.. and probably nothing more. Maybe that’s a reason why she never talks to me or her other partners except her two favorites. Fuck one of them ngl.

I was pretty shitty too don’t get me wrong. But at least let me vent out this before I forget or something. Still very mixed on sex. One moment I crave it but going deeper makes me feel worse and icky. She seriously fucked me up more ways than sexual and I still adore the rose tinted glasses version of her even if the lens are cracked.

what is wrong with me??

why am I like this these days???

[veeveevents]

Great

now I can’t stop remembering the sexual calls we had

I remember the time Allie sat on my face in a call rp

that makes no sense but whatever I can’t unsee it now

god damn it

[veeveevents]

Also if you want to know what I wanted to do

talk to her groomer. Yeah that’s a terrible idea and a shitty thing to do as well. Might as well call me a terrible ass person for having that thought.

which is why I am fighting myself to not do this cause I may be petty as hell but I do not wanna be associated with a groomer and a child predator at that. And I do not wanna be a shittier person than her. Or possibly even have the chance of befriending a fucking groomer. Fuck jelly. Shittier than my ex and she was shitty as hell.

I’m pretty sure it’s just an intrusive thought

but it bothers me so much I might as well say it out in the open because fuck it

I’m not keeping this thought. I just hope it doesn’t make me a bad person for even thinking that.

what the fuck is wrong with me

yeah I am not in a good mindset sorry about that bro

please don’t think I’m shitty

I would say more but I feel like that would be guilt trippy as shit. Even what I said sounds a little guilt trippy. I don’t even know if people reads these tf-

[veeveevents]

I am currently fighting inner demons

I really really really want to do something petty and shitty just to get back at my ex but I know that is not a good idea. And a shitty idea at that.

it’s just that I really want to be petty at that mother fucker. He (or whatever they go by these days) was really petty back when I was still with her. So I really want to return the fucking favor and give her a taste of her own medicine for once.

I’ve been trying to let go

and trying to stop thinking about her

but I will admit that I still love that stupid ass ideal version of her I made in my head while we were together. I stayed and put up with her shit because I loved that idealistic view of her. I loved that she loved me. I loved the stupid roleplay sex we had together. I love how she objectified me in those rps. It made me feel something closer to love or whatever. I loved her possessive side. I loved the parts of her that made her sorta worth it despite being kinda a bitch in hindsight. She made me feel wanted for once. Even in a group that I never truly fit in. She was charming as she was angry about everything. I still was captivated even though she couldn’t fucking changed if she was asked to. How many times will she excuse herself with her anger issues over fucking everything? And why does Tobi even stay with that gal?? She dates the people she shit talks for fuck sakes. I cannot believe the amount of toxicity I had to go through back then.

still, she made me accept my sexual thoughts and eventually it became something more. Now I just feel really weird about sex. I still kinda wanna read those sexual messages we had together. All the sexual stuff we’ve sent to each other. And the flings we had. I was essentially her sex toy.. and probably nothing more. Maybe that’s a reason why she never talks to me or her other partners except her two favorites. Fuck one of them ngl.

I was pretty shitty too don’t get me wrong. But at least let me vent out this before I forget or something. Still very mixed on sex. One moment I crave it but going deeper makes me feel worse and icky. She seriously fucked me up more ways than sexual and I still adore the rose tinted glasses version of her even if the lens are cracked.

what is wrong with me??

why am I like this these days???

[veeveevents]

Great

now I can’t stop remembering the sexual calls we had

I remember the time Allie sat on my face in a call rp

that makes no sense but whatever I can’t unsee it now

god damn it

[veeveevents]

I am currently fighting inner demons

I really really really want to do something petty and shitty just to get back at my ex but I know that is not a good idea. And a shitty idea at that.

it’s just that I really want to be petty at that mother fucker. He (or whatever they go by these days) was really petty back when I was still with her. So I really want to return the fucking favor and give her a taste of her own medicine for once.

I’ve been trying to let go

and trying to stop thinking about her

but I will admit that I still love that stupid ass ideal version of her I made in my head while we were together. I stayed and put up with her shit because I loved that idealistic view of her. I loved that she loved me. I loved the stupid roleplay sex we had together. I love how she objectified me in those rps. It made me feel something closer to love or whatever. I loved her possessive side. I loved the parts of her that made her sorta worth it despite being kinda a bitch in hindsight. She made me feel wanted for once. Even in a group that I never truly fit in. She was charming as she was angry about everything. I still was captivated even though she couldn’t fucking changed if she was asked to. How many times will she excuse herself with her anger issues over fucking everything? And why does Tobi even stay with that gal?? She dates the people she shit talks for fuck sakes. I cannot believe the amount of toxicity I had to go through back then.

still, she made me accept my sexual thoughts and eventually it became something more. Now I just feel really weird about sex. I still kinda wanna read those sexual messages we had together. All the sexual stuff we’ve sent to each other. And the flings we had. I was essentially her sex toy.. and probably nothing more. Maybe that’s a reason why she never talks to me or her other partners except her two favorites. Fuck one of them ngl.

I was pretty shitty too don’t get me wrong. But at least let me vent out this before I forget or something. Still very mixed on sex. One moment I crave it but going deeper makes me feel worse and icky. She seriously fucked me up more ways than sexual and I still adore the rose tinted glasses version of her even if the lens are cracked.

what is wrong with me??

why am I like this these days???

[veeveevents]

bad news:

the sickness still got me, got more work to do once I come back, still have work I have to do if I don’t wanna make that pile bigger, praying to god my English teacher does not beat my ass with works or something, I feel like I’m becoming my ex online mom, my throat

good news:

I get to stay home again, in a relatively better mindset again, I’m slowly losing my rejections of pills, I can get farther in block tales and eventually get to chapter 5, self reflection(?) (dunno if good or not, can focus on hygiene at least cause I ain’t bed ridden like yesterday

[veeveevents]

also headache ain’t as bad as yesterday anymore.

[veeveevents]

bad news:

the sickness still got me, got more work to do once I come back, still have work I have to do if I don’t wanna make that pile bigger, praying to god my English teacher does not beat my ass with works or something, I feel like I’m becoming my ex online mom, my throat

good news:

I get to stay home again, in a relatively better mindset again, I’m slowly losing my rejections of pills, I can get farther in block tales and eventually get to chapter 5, self reflection(?) (dunno if good or not, can focus on hygiene at least cause I ain’t bed ridden like yesterday

[veeveevents]

it’s a little strange

sometimes I feel like I don’t care at all

nobody comes to mind and I feel like I’m drifting away from them

pair that with isolation and well

I feel numb

yet here I am somehow getting motherly feelings over some teen I befriended online

here I am constantly worrying about my bro and how he’s doing so far

here I am not truly forgetting the bond I had with other people that I ended up pushing away out of self deprecation

it’s truly a wonder for me in a way.

guess the first person who ever rejected me was myself.

I feel so numb

but I would go through hell for the people I love

I keep having feelings of pushing others away

but I really do not wanna lose more friends and isolate myself further

I care a lot yet if feel so numb

I still sorta care for the people who I’ve left

I hope they’re doing better these days.

…

I miss having a big group of friends.

it was always so comforting when I was in a group.

I just hope that I’ll find myself somewhere in this world

But I hope that doesn’t include isolation.

I still feel so lonely these days.

but I’m getting better

I hope

[veeveevents]

yeeep

I’m sick as shit

I do not feel too good and I feel sluggish

aaaa as asasnahahajakaj

ima go drink water now

[veeveevents]

my head is pounding and my body is hot

but I am alone these nights

I miss them to be honest

I miss their warmth

I miss the sleeping voice channels they put asleep people on call in

it was charming

comforting even

I miss listening to someone on vc

but now that’s behind me

I want to imagine someone’s warmth as I hug them but

I can’t. Or at least not without consent or permission

I miss the channels

they were oddly comforting

would I still have kept those luxuries if I lied

if I don’t let my doubts overpower me that day

is this real healing

when you isolate yourself to the point of nearly no return?

…

I miss not being so lonely. I miss being in a group of people.

but I’m afraid of being greedy or ungrateful for saying that

I want to reconnect and reconcile but I ran too far

now I’ll never comeback without fear or shame or backlash

I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again

but just like how much I love him, I still love them in a way

I can’t keep hating on the people I used to love and respect

but do I actually love them or the idealized version of them?

I miss talking to someone

listening to someone

sleeping with someone

who I love dearly

who I’d die for

who I’d live for

but is that just dependency?

or is it something else?

yearning? Missing? Worse?

I can’t tell anymore

my brain feels like it’s going to explode

…I wanna talk to my brother and the one friend who still stayed with me despite everything.

maybe adopt a younger brother as well if he’s alright with it.

I just

I’m in pain

in many ways

my head hurts so much…