#ehdi talks

[ehditaan]

Humans as space orcs, yes. But also, humans as world killers. Humans as the terrifying creatures that burnt their own planet and set out across the stars. Humans presumed to be a threat until proven otherwise, if anyone ever could prove otherwise. Humans who are seen as useful to have in a tough spot, as a scare tactic in a negotiation with your enemies, as a last resort in a fight. Because all have heard tell of how vicious and merciless they can be. Unhampered by any societal norm of life as sacred or respect for other species, let alone their own. Unencumbered by an intrinsic connection to nature, they have killed entire forests to root out their foe. They destroyed their own planet for personal gain, and then those who could just moved on, abandoning most of their kind to slow extinction. They are terrifying. And valuable. If you can buy their loyalty somehow and are strong or desperate enough not to fear them turning on you.

Humans who get used to working to appear non-threatening. Who try to explain, over and over again, that it was only the smallest percentage of them who destroyed the earth. Who have no good answers for the atrocities of war. Humans who make friends but know their crew mates are always going to be wary of them. Humans who feel it’s for good reason, who do what they can to mitigate their reputation, and humans who get pissed, only proving the cautious right. Humans who are lonely, with so few of them left, trying to find some way to belong. Humans who buck the stereotypes, who love nature, who turn their face up into the rain with a smile and rescue small, injured creatures, and refuse to eat meat. Humans who are all the more terrifying because of those things. Because if they do value life, if they do possess empathy, the fact of their history is all the more horrifying. They felt it all and they did it anyway.

Humans who find relief, at last. Peace, at last, in societies that value every member, that respect the worlds they live in. Humans who grieve knowing such places existed on earth, and those of their species in power destroyed them. Humans who set out to get revenge on whoever is left. Humans who learn new things, discover new technology, and go back to earth to try to undo some of the damage they’ve done.

[ehditaan]

Y’all, Kleo on Netflix was so good and so satisfying. Go watch it. So worth the subtitles. It’s female spy/assassin on a revenge spree against all who betrayed her. It has heart and humanity and very fun murders as well as unlikely allies.

[ehditaan]

I miss my best friend. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to build something new from the ashes of what was.

I’m retroactively seeing the cracks that appeared in the facade before it all came crumbling down. I’m wondering if we have any future.

I don’t want more apologies, I just want consideration and care. To not always feel like a guilty afterthought. To get to genuinely enjoy each other again, maybe if we can clear the air, if they were willing.

[ehditaan]

It’s one of those things that’s so annoying for being true. But the thing that probably helps me the most with heartbreak, after I’ve spent some time sobbing my guts out and talking it through with empathetic friends, is getting the fuck to work on some thing I care about.

Every time I have a stray thought about the relationship that’s ending, there is a horrible clenching, yawning, grasping pit of panic and despair right behind the hollow where my rib cage meets. But tonight when that has happened, I feel instantly better when the following thought is that I am doing the work I want to be doing, and I am taking steps to move forward with the life I want to have. Not all the way better by any means. There is no instant cure. But when someone else devalues you, what better thing to do than to value yourself? To show yourself that you are worth the effort of your dreams. That while this person may have left you, you will never abandon yourself again. You will answer that callous disrespect and dismissal by showing up for yourself and believing in yourself all the more.

And if you have a petty little fantasy about succeeding in that work so that they have to watch from the sidelines while all your dreams come true, well... I say spite is as good a motivator as any. It’s not the fuel I’d want to run on forever but it’s a damned good spark to get that engine going.

I love you. You’ve got this. You deserve it.

[ehditaan]

As an autistic person there is really nothing like a massive unexpected friend breakup to make you feel every single one of your social ineptitude’s and insecurities.

[ehditaan]

Ok yikes someone needs to date me quick. For half a second just now I honestly considered applying for the new season of love on the spectrum US. And yes I’m wildly aware of the problems with both that show and the Australian one. If anything that should show how much I am craving companionship and how terrible and intimidating I find dating to be that I would even entertain such a notion for a moment. I just find apps to be so useless. Even Hiki hasn’t worked out for me. I’ve rarely had luck building any kind of a connection with someone without feeling each other‘s vibe in person. And I also just don’t have the administrative skills to manage online dating successfully. I’ve tried to go out and do more and meet more people. And that’s been great and I’ve made some new friends which is definitely just as important to me. But it has been years since I actually had a relationship with somebody that was anything but casual. And I am craving that connection so badly. 

[ehditaan]

Does anyone else ever feel like music reaches every single part of you? Reverberates through every layer of consciousness all the way down to your lizard brain? Like your hearing and processing organs are more like an octopus’ brain and they carry it across every limb and into your very core so it seems to shape the entire world?

[ehditaan]

Hey you! You know at least one of these is relevant:

Your tea is getting cold.

You forgot to take your meds.

You need to drink some water (or other non-alcoholic liquid).

Go get a snack.

Stop holding it and go pee already!

Put down your phone and go to sleep. Tumblr will still be here in the morning and tomorrow will suck less if you get some rest.

It’s time for some pleasurable movement! Stretch and yawn! Or have a mini dance party! Or maybe go for a walk! Whatever feels GOOD not what you think you should do.

I love you. You’re doing your very best under the circumstances. Give yourself some credit.