I had a dream a few nights ago. Lord Donald Trump had come to my family’s house where the entire neighborhood was gathered to give us names. Because you couldn’t have a name unless it was given to you by him. Everyone else was bowing and accepting their names, when I jumped up from behind the couch and shouted that we, the [my Last Name], would never accept him as our ruler and we already had our names.
Then my family and I grabbed the cats and ran to the car.
We drove as fast as we could, aided by my water powers (because apparently I had control over water, like a waterbender, so I summoned the groundwater and used it to propel us forward in the car.) Donald Trump, who was an earthbender, kept using his powers to destroy the land around us to try and stop us from fleeing. That’s all he ever did with his earthbending - destroy the earth.
Other things happened (like Spiderman showed up, we took him into our car, my sister thought she was a zombie, she kept biting me. Then I made out with Spiderman), but those weren’t important.
Yes, this is a political post, not a dreamblogging post, though the dream was real.
When I told my dad this dream, he laughed and said, “What are you going to do if he gets re-elected?”
I said, “I might kill myself.”
I wasn’t joking. I never joke about suicide. I’ve been suicidal enough of my life to know what it feels like to be so hopeless that you think there’s no way out.
I’m not suicidal right now. I haven’t been since...February? Ish? It’s progress.
But I’m afraid if Donald Trump gets re-elected, all that progress with go down the toilet.
He wants me dead, as I am a queer person. He wants me dead, as I am a disabled person. He wants me dead, as I am a Jewish person (and don’t you dare say “but his daughter is Jewish!” because yes, she is, but he is still anti-semitic. You can have a Jewish person that you love and still be anti-semitic for lots of reasons, just like you can love a black person and still be racist.)
On the one hand, if I kill myself, then he wins. On the other hand, I’d rather die by my own hand quickly than slowly under his regime of terror.
I’m scared. I’m very, very scared. I’m scared because my dad voted for Trump last election, and is considering doing so again, even though he likes Biden better, because he’s afraid of what Harris is going to do. I’m scared because my sister said, in a serious tone, “I need to talk to you,” and then told me she was considering voting for Trump, because “Biden is a racist,” and “Trump’s racism is in the past.” (Google! Just google! Yes, Biden is also a racist, but he’s a racist who doesn’t understand that what he’s doing is racism, because he thinks he’s being equal. He’s wrong, but he’s trying. Trump is a malicious racist. Both are bad, but one is worse.)
My family thinks I’m a crazy radical leftist. They don’t listen to me when I talk because they think I’m unreasonable, and that I’m not listening to them. They don’t listen to me because I’m emotional, and I cry when I talk. They think I’m getting hysterical. I think I can’t control my emotions because I have a mood disorder that makes me cry all the time, and I’m loud because I have trouble moderating my volume even in a non-emotional situation. I’m not unreasonable. I will listen to what they have to say. But they talk down to me. I think they lack empathy, which scares me. I am a leftist, but I am much less radical than so many people out there, and I’m certainly not crazy.
My cousins think I’m posting things on Facebook that are radical and anti-semitic. The most recent political things I’ve posted on Facebook are tweets that have said, “Cops shouldn’t kill criminals either,” and other things about how cops need more training and aren’t the arbiters of life and death.
I’m just tired. And I’m scared.
If Biden gets elected, there’s still a lot of work to be done. None of these problems will be fixed, but we will have a leader that is open to fixing them. We still have to do the work, and we still have to protest and contact our legislators and do everything we can.
But I’m afraid if Trump gets elected, we will die.
My dad identifies as a Libertarian. But he also trusts the checks and balances system implicitly. I said to him, “For someone who dislikes the government so much, you put a lot of trust in it.” And he replied, “Because that’s the only thing we have.”
A fascist doesn’t care about checks and balances. And if that’s the only thing we have (if the judicial branch comes under his control...if the legislature remains under his control...) we have a problem. We already have a problem.
I’m fighting. But I don’t know how much more I can (personally) take.
I’m not suicidal. Not right now. I’m not going to kill myself, don’t worry.
But ask me again in November.
