#eli monpress

[thefandommind]

I bet Eli forces Nico and Josef to have tea parties

and while Josef hates them, he knows the proper etiquette since he is a prince and gets annoyed when the other 2 do something inproperly

Okay okay, so we have leeway, because its the opposite.

Josef sucks at being a prince, it was completely surprising to his closest companions that he grew up in a palace. Literally the only mention before that hinted at him being noble is him having "tutors" who first taught him swordfighting. And like after he mentions in an internal pov that he broke the habit of sleeping in late when he ran away.

But like he sucks in every way at being a prince, hence he ran away. I will come back to this because the man doesn't drink, and I don't think he'd enjoy coffee, so tea is like the obvious choice in beverage then right.

Eli is basically a Disney princess, he was raised in a tower by what is technically a government official (Banage was a Tower Keeper back then, and while the Spirit Court isn't apart of the government he's pretty fucking close that's what Tower Keepers are they are the go between for the spirits and humans for a designated region. They are legal representatives), ran away, got kidnapped and groomed by an evil nature lady, ran away and got adopted by a rogue who taught him how to steal. There's probably a fairy tail out there with that premise and we haven't even gotten to the talking to trees thing.

Now we know two things.

Banage and Miranda have a tradition of having breakfast together in the garden

And Giuseppe is fancy as fuck.

So Eli is the one who knows the etiquette and is good at it.

Now, Eli talks with his mouth full and puts his elbows on the table in canon. The three of them are lax on manners, they are rogues they are allowed.

But see, while Eli doesn't care for manners and the proper way of doing things, man loves annoying the shit out of Josef.

So they have tea, proper tea with cups and a pot of it, Eli is going to take the piss out of it. He's going to criticize everything Josef does, he's gonna act like he's better then him by being proper, he's going to comment on everything. And Josef is going to take it because he doesn't care and knows Eli is just being hilarious.

Now Nico, we know she ain't got any past with tea, doesn't mean she doesn't have manners. A lack of previous memory doesn't mean anything for this, and we don't got much in canon to say she's a proper tea drinker or not. But we know she doesn't like it when Eli teases her, but is often entertained when Eli teases Josef.

So we can fucking assume that if they are having tea together she's gonna make sure she isn't a target, and if she is, it's because she's doing everything right. At least as far as Eli has chastised Josef for.

And that just adds to Eli's game. Cus Eli can call Josef an animal for getting crumbs on the table, and watch Nico quietly brush the crumbs off her side of the table, and point at her and go "see Josef? Nico understands cleanliness."

And that's entertainment for the two of them, while Josef gets to watch them laugh at his expense. Which he tends to be okay with.

Josef does get to have fun too, don't worry. He'd shove food into Eli's mouth to shut him up, and then tell him it's impolite to talk with his mouth full.

Who gets the last treat? Nico.

It's always going to be Nico. Eli and Josef could wrestle for it but it's going to be Nico who gets it in every scenario. Why? She deserves it. But also that one Daggerback scene in Spirit Thief sits in my mind at all times. Nico wins, Eli and Josef are distracted, both are alright with her winning.

But in this specific thinky thought she takes the last cookie or whatever and Eli notices it's missing while it's still in her hand and is like "who took the last-" turns and sees Nico shove it into her mouth as fast as she can, and screeches "THIEF!" while Nico tries not to choke on her prize.

And just blatantly adding onto this post, I think Nico is a black tea with cream and sugar type or person.

Josef likes herbal like ginger or something, but will drink anything.

Eli will drink anything but enjoys sweat ice tea in the afternoon.

And adding Miranda she's a fruit tea without sugar kind of person I think.

And Eli is really good at biscuit chicken, where you dunk your tea cookie and then eat it without it crumbling apart, Nico is not as good at it, can't get the timing right. Josef doesn't see the point of the game, I don't see him as a tea dunker.

[lupdublupdub]

Eli, Josef and Nico

Josef and his swordmanship

[noviusart]

Some fanart I did as a gift for my friend of the characters from the Eli monpress book series!

[elimicu]

I always find it interesting how when reading a book different people imagine the characters voices differently.

For me Nico sounds like Scylla from the song Scylla by Epic the musical, especially at the end of the song where the voice harmonizes. But when she talks I imagine her voice softer and quieter

And Eli sounds like the main character from Doctor who, I don't have an explanation for that one

[flyincakecow]

Good sir, would you please draw Nico's identical copy of Josef's penis? And what she could possibly be doing with it?

I’d like to point out that I was in fact correct in my assumptions

I will not fall for your tricks you fiend

Take your penis on penis crime now SCRAM

[camthecatchameleon]

Me when i say “it’s yappin’ time” and yap all over the place

(The Legend of Eli Monpress AU edition) @thefandommind

Essentially this AU is a rewrite of the story if Josef had been recalled to Osera earlier and never met Eli or Nico prior to the events of the series.

In this AU I imagine that Eli, Nico, and Miranda would have met in Mellinor and similar we-have-to-save-Mellinor events occur, allowing for Miranda to make her pact with the Great Spirit.

The thing that got me really thinking about this AU is scenes of Eli and Nico’s relationship when Josef isn’t around. Which are scarce. Because Nico is heavily dependent on Josef and Eli has (had) a lot of unintentional prejudice towards demonseeds. They just don’t interact a lot in the series, but when they do I eat that shit UPPPP

Without Josef as a buffer, when Eli and Nico meet they’d haaate each other. Eli’s bad at being a partner in crime without taking advantage of her abilities, and Nico doesn’t understand Eli’s fixation on his bounty because they don’t talk about their trauma. They shut up about the past and just focus on thrilling heists, which works and they do have a bond, but there’s lingering animosity that erupts in arguments and sometimes physical fights.

And yet they don’t have anyone else. Nico was saved by Eli after she was ejected from the mountains. She doesn’t have anywhere else to go. Eli can’t do this on his own for long, and he desperately needs to keep doing this. He can’t go back.

They’d have a very toxic codependent relationship with Karon as the fed-up middle man who never says anything because he can’t be bothered.

Josef would have gone out to be a swordsman, received the Heart, and lived as a bounty hunter for a short while. He would have encountered Eli a couple of times, but of course he never caught the thief. He was quickly recalled to Osera due to his mother’s health and quickly had to take over, marry Adela, etc. Leanette and Adela, not expecting Josef to return so soon, have to reconsider their plans and formulate new ones. It would be so easy to just kill him now, but how would they retain their position? Adela hasn’t had enough time to foster the strong image she was aiming for, they still don’t trust her, and now the King is back.

(I’ve got a very hyperspecific headcanon that explains why they would theoretically not have kids but there’s nothing in canon that backs it lmao)

The fic I have in mind follows the book 1 format in which Eli gets himself caught and then steals the king of Osera to increase his bounty. Except the king is Josef.

I’ve got this vision of Josef interrogating Eli and Eli flirting with him because they’ve met before and Eli likes to annoy people. 

Nico knocks Josef out while he’s distracted talking to Eli, snaps at Eli for taking too much time, Eli rolls his eyes but gets himself out of the cell they threw him in, and they take off with the king and make shelter in a shack somewhere. 

Eli, knowing Josef’s history as a bounty hunter, would offer to whisk Josef away from his kingdom indefinitely. Josef obviously refuses, but has to admit to himself that the offer is enticing. He feels a sense of responsibility to his kingdom, of course he does. But he’s never felt connected to the Throne of Iron Lions. He’s no leader, he’s a swordsman pretending to be a king. The people don’t like him, the council and Adela do most of the work and public appearances. 

The Heart has long since gone quiet, and Josef wonders idly when it will find a new wielder. He wonders why hasn’t it left already?

Eventually after some introspection and conversation with Nico, Josef would reluctantly agree to be permanently kidnapped by the Famous Eli Monpress. If they send people out looking for him, well. How would they find him? They’re searching for a tied-up king, not a scruffy, scarred man with too many swords travelling with thieves and looking more content than he’s been in years.

[just-a-mouse]

Eli Monpress and Miranda Lyonette (with a Gin) from  The Legend of Eli Monpress series, I havent finished but I am enjoying it so far :)

[harrypotterhousequotes]

SLYTHERIN: "When one mistake means your head on a pike, every rule is a first rule." –Rachel Aaron (Eli Monpress: The Spirit Rebellion)