#eliot varner

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do you think eliot is kyle?

DID you not see the documentary on BBC? i know it has this reporter convinced.

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                        SEVERANCE STAR FAKES SWEET TOOTH

IF the title doesn’t say it all, we’ve got just the details for you. we were midway through collecting our information on the zennies, sifting through useless and/or boring tips when we came across one that was particularly interesting. and lucky for us, our informant was lovely enough to send in evidence. thanks for the tip, honey.

TURNS out that hollywood’s newest OTP #keliot is one big sham. we wanted to say we were surprised, but the more we thought about it.. well, we did ask eliot to stir things up for us, so we’ll take this as one sincere form of flattery here.

check out the official audio on our page over here. below, the transcripts:

ELIOT VARNER : DON’T use it all, i’m gonna need the rest of it to deal with little miss sunshine. 

PENELOPE WEST : sobriety is not an option. you know they call her little miss sunshine for a reason, right? doesn’t exactly seem like your type. 

E: she’s not.  it’s just a bit of fun for the  press  –  truth be told i think ripping out my fingernails would be less painful spending another second with her. 

YIKES, harsh! and here we thought eliot was finding a heart.. maybe he really is as good as acting as he thinks he is. now there’s a plot twist! but it continues..

P: is she really that bad? i mean, she’s always been nice to me. i didn’t take her for the publicity stunt type, but i mean if it’s working for the two of you then why not? 

E: oh she’s not  the type.  she’s got  absolutely no idea what’s  going  on.    makes it so much more genuine and fun. 

P: why exactly are you leading her on then? is it just a publicity thing? ‘cause i’m sure there’s someone else that’s willing – people are always trying to boost their reps around here. 

is that true, penelope? do tell us more.

E: i’m  not  leading her on per se  –  i’m  strengthening her  character. it makes  us both  look  good so she can’t really complain.  it  wouldn’t  be  as authentic that  way. besides,  it’s  working.  people have nicknamed us keliot. isn’t that adorable?

it was adorable, until we figured out you were lying to us. we’ve got to say, we’re starting to get a little offended here.. using hollywood’s sweetheart as a pathetic shield for your even more pathetic career? you can do better, sweetie.

P:  she’s famous without you. and looks good without you, too.  so what i’m seeing is that you’re the only one benefiting from this arrangement. it would be adorable, probably, if i didn’t know what i do now! do what you want, though, but i’ll be here sipping my tea when it comes back to bite your ass.

E: she’s having a good time. finds me adorable for your  information. did  you not  hear  about out little smooch on the red carpet?  it’s not gonna  come back  to  bite  me. after  this night is over  and the job is complete, i’ll let her  down gently.  she’ll be none the  wiser and her ego will be saved.

WE think the irony in that bit is almost poetic, isn’t it? oh, eliot! don’t you know we’ll always be around to make certain it comes back to bite you? when we said entertain us, we were hoping for another red carpet fist fight or maybe a back room hookup, not manipulating one of the only decent people left at zenith. guess those rumours about you being a cold-hearted monster aren’t quite rumours at all. and penelope, if this was your best effort at being a good, sage friend: don’t quit your day job. again.

kenna, you may want to rethink hollywood. doesn’t seem to be working out for you, honey. we hear JCPenney needs a new designer for their pre-teen line, though. K for JCPenney, anyone? 

IT’S safe to say that with this newfound information, #Keliot is canceled and eliot should probably hit LAX and catch the first flight back to the candian rock he crawled under. 

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@SUBROSAPRESS: and nikolai isn't the only one coping by drinking tonight. dylan, penelope, eliot, oliver: we see you! #ZATZ

@SUBROSAPRESS: if you think you're escaping us by boozing up, just remember that drunk people have a way of talking... and we haven't hit the after party yet! #ZATZ

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@SUBROSAPRESS: eliot, take off your sunglasses. #ZATZ

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Looks like Noelle just did the world a favor and punched Eliot. She seems to be a little tense lately though. Any thoughts?

GOOD for you, noelle! about time someone clocked him. could this have anything to do with the recording from the z awards after party? speaking of, has anybody heard from cash lately?

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Anyone you wanna see getting into a fight?

WE’RE waiting anxiously for the post-keliot smackdown. we’d love for something unexpected though.. there are plenty of people at zenith flying under the radar. we’re sure one of them suffers from rage blackouts. entertain us.

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Who do you want to see more of?

WE’D love for eliot to show some face after that fiasco, if only for the drama. if it’s not to busy meeting kenna’s fist, of course.

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@SUBROSAPRESS: and, speaking of kenna and the beau, does anyone know where eliot's disappeared to? keep your eyes peeled, folks. #ZATZ