#ellejb13

[olivieblake]

just thought i’d let you know- you were right and this little demon growing inside of me is, in fact, a boy! now comes the work to help create a truly decent, consent-abiding, "fuck the patriarchy" human, but we’re very excited to try our best. also we are legit naming him Theo and that’s at least partially because of your Theo so thank you for that 🖤

omg yes my method is SCIENCE and also !!!! I am so happy for you !!! and theo is a fantastic name. I truly do not know why anyone would choose anything else. an eternal mystery. pet señor earz for me and please also give the following toast for the occasion: “glory awaits the heir and firstborn prince of the elle household, long live the queen and her progeny, amen”

[olivieblake]

sincere question: how do you manage your rage? because i am just... radiating it. it feels like it is constantly seeping out of me. trump just left his rich ppl only socialized medicine hospital while still clearly sick and said to not let covid scare you. he actually said the words "GET OUT THERE". never once mentioned wearing a mask. 210,000 ppl have died in the US. many of them alone. hundreds of thousands of ppl will have health issues forever because of it. i know people who have died. i just. i know there are so many things to rage about right now but this is gutting me and i’m so damn angry that it hurts. i already sent in my mail-in ballot and voted for biden and voted no to retain all republican federal judges in my state. i stay inside basically all the time and wear my mask when i have to go out. i tell everyone i know how important all these things are to me. i’ve done the actionable things i can think of to do. so i’m just left here. seething.

my rage. hm. how do I. manage? it? aha ha

the rage is constant and unceasing. I understand that it feels fresher now, and sharper, because what’s different about right now is our inability to escape the things that enrage us; the ubiquity of it. we’re in the midst of a mass radicalization that is caused, in part, by its inescapability. yeah, same, I’m following all the rules and staying home and nobody else is and I’m losing my mind. I feel uninspired and frustrated and there is nothing for me to think about but doom; the only new toys my brain ever gets is continuously evolving worst-case scenarios. I miss people, I miss conversation, I miss feeling I still had the capacity to act, to stabilize my own mental health. this is not being alive and we know exactly who is responsible; he’s right there, fully within reach and plainly unhinged, and yet somehow, nobody has done anything to stop him. it confounds me in a way that eclipses my ability to reason my way through this.

thankfully you asked how to manage it, not soothe it, because I can’t do that. but manage it by giving yourself rest. you are chronically overstimulated, so start there. scheduling hours away from social media will not make you any less empathetic or less informed. I know they say don’t look away, but there’s a difference between informing yourself and disorienting yourself. 

I recently read something that I will hold onto forever: “when you expect perfection from yourself, the only option is disappointment. when you expect perfection from others, the only option is disillusionment.” disillusionment, disappointment, these are the real death blows. at some point you have to trust you have read enough, scrolled enough, done enough. many things, possibly most things, are out of your control, but we are absolutely powerless without hope. so just make sure you never kill it off completely, even if it means looking away from the echo chamber from time to time

[olivieblake]

so- i’m pregnant! this is great news as it was planned (though happened MUCH sooner than I thought it would goodness). it’s still super early and i’m constantly reminding myself that I could easily have a MC. we haven’t told anyone yet. i found out yesterday! ah! anyways, this felt like a safe space to tell someone who can’t tell anyone I know lol. so... any tips on setting boundaries with overbearing parents on both sides? this could get messy.

ohhhhh myyyyy goddddd an unironic L’CHAIM (also MAZEL) to you and your soft science prince and darling sir earz! what wonderful news, congratulations! I actually do have a very good piece of advice for this and I will save it for monday because IT IS THAT VALUABLE. it’s technically wedding planning advice but it is also proven effective sooooo future success guaranteed!

YAY YOU

[olivieblake]

have completely stayed off social media since yesterday afternoon and went to bed at 8pm last night (thank you pregnancy). i just finished the princess’s guide to popular statecraft this morning. i don’t know why i put it off for so long but i’m kind of glad i waited because it was just... the perfect dose of hope i needed for the day. i can’t imagine how difficult writing that story and living in that world was for you during ALL OF THIS. but i am just so grateful you did. the conversation between narcissa, pansy, & hermione about pregnancy, miscarriage, and postpartum had me struggling to breathe through the honesty of it. the polictics of it all was tough to stomach, although i’m sure that was not necessarily the intent but certainly the only human way to feel about it considering the parallels. just everything about motherhood and making sacrifices to make a better world hit me so deeply and was v timely. thank you for the hope when reality feels hopeless at times. it’s easier to bring the hope back with me after coming out of the olivieverse.

yeah I have been largely avoiding the internet until very recently (also got absolutely nothing done from wednesday onwards) and only newly feel as if I’m surfacing from a cloud of trauma. I had the mental faculties to do three things: watch The Queen’s Gambit, order chicken strips, and reread the same romance novel 3 times

anyway yes this story was very much my method of coping with the world around me as it became increasingly horrific and frustrating, so while I understand leaving the story alone until now, it was always intended to be a chance to breathe. I think @caspergirlie​ once asked me if I would ever write something like the book Red, White, and Royal Blue and I said no because as much as I loved it, I don’t have it in me to invest so long in a political utopia that’s so distant from reality; for me fiction is always a reflection of the world we’re in, and that kind of HEA is fantasy in a beautiful but implausible way. so The Princess’s Guide to Popular Statecraft was my opportunity to write a politically driven story in a way that felt true to my observations of what’s good and what’s frustrating about the world, by being honest and authentic about our place in it. I didn’t love that I was addressing extreme privilege in a time of have-nots, but I do think I did as much with it as I could by focusing on the parts of human experience (and the female experience) that are true and in some sense universal. I’m very glad that meant something to you

I’m really a cynic by nature, but I like to think my work contains the vast majority of my optimism. I’m not SO hampered by reality that I can’t imagine there is a better world to be made, but I think it has to be a matter of focusing on what is always beautiful, which for me is the way we are connected to each other. it’s why the story doesn’t end with election results, but with the idea that regardless of political outcomes there is always work to be done and growth to be had and love to be shared. I think at a time when I was really questioning the same ethical principles hermione was grappling with, it felt important to face the truth, good and bad, and I’m happy if that can bring you even a modicum of hope

[olivieblake]

bad D&D experience with men here! 2-3 yrs ago I played with 3 men and another women and when one of the guys was DMing, it was mostly fine but when the woman DM’d... She created a very well thought out campaign that was super creative and I was so excited about it but 2 of the guys questioned her on EVERYTHING. Would start fights about the most mundane shit. I started actually writing out instances where I could remember when the guys had DM’d and made similar calls/choices to what she was doing to point out that they were misogynists.

Aside from that, they generally were fair towards me because they had a perception that I knew what I was talking about. i honestly think this is just because the other woman was more expressive (emotional 🙃). We stopped playing because I made myself annoying as hell by pointing out every single time they were saying something sexist.

this was essentially my suspicion; I’ve come across enough women sharing variations of that experience over the years to be aware there seemed to be a disparity between treatment of men and women playing and especially DMing (not for everyone, obviously, but for some) and I would very much love to know the specific incidences

[olivieblake]

SO this embryo inside me is making my life hell (constant nausea, vertigo, oh i don’t like vegetables or WATER anymore?? OH EVERY MOVEMENT IS GOING TO MAKE ME VOM?) i am very grateful blah blah blah but this legit sucks. watching your vlog is the only thing that’s made me laugh (when you told that girl being friends with a likely trump supporter is ridiculous- i yelled YES) in like a week so bless you, thank you, and your pajamas are adorable

ah yes, the miracle of life, though the alternative would be its own unique form of torment, I imagine. if it isn’t one thing, it’s another, as they say. greener grass et cetera et cetera

my experience of correctly guessing the gender of other people’s babies is all one enormously unscientific projection rooted in my observation of my mother’s pregnancies with my brother and sister respectively. apparently the Old Wives™ disagree with my instincts, but an especially unwieldy pregnancy (particularly if it fucks with your skin and hair) usually spells boy in my experience, presumably because the patriarchy is already leeching from you in some way or another. so I’m officially calling penis, though I’ll also be perfectly delighted to be wrong

also thank you, they are my favorite pajamas. and naturally I am overjoyed to make you laugh, although again v sorry to that person for having to watch my brain break onscreen lol. IT’S NOT PERSONAL except that it, you know, very much is but like. anyway

[olivieblake]

just finished Stone’s Throw from your latest. MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS. While I obviously adore it, I must first praise myself because the second I read the sequence of Jenny walking through the door, "They simply knew they had done it when they arrived back to a state of waking in the morning." I immediately thought LOOP THIS IS SOME SORT OF TIME LOOP I KNOW OLIVIE. anyways - love Jenny and love a world where it’s the woman who is not blinded my sentiment, who sees through manufactured reality, and just does the damn thing. you know, much like real life, minus the fae.

p.s. i’m on "pelvic rest" right now AKA doctor sanctioned no sex OR MASTURBATION (the cruelty) so your smut is killing me

woof pelvic rest certainly sounds cruel and unusual, I hope this is not an indefinite state of things. hoW will you be able to resist sam???? (actually unknown who is the most sexually enticing lead male in the collection, depends what you like—I would say the male archetypes arguably include a draco, a theo, a harry, and a percy. pls keep me informed)

I do become more readily predictable after a time although for the sake of being a spoiler free zone I shall say simply time loop what time loop? 

[olivieblake]

TPG(TCG2) was a bright spot in an otherwise disappointing day, so thank you so much for that. Feeling so bummed about the Super Tuesday results. My primary is on the 17th but it just feels so hopeless. I will ultimately vote for whoever is the dem nominee but I just so desperately do not want it to be Joe Biden. How’re you feeling about it all?

Ughhhhh Warren dropped out today BEFORE MY PRIMARY. I am so upset. I imagine you are too. Just came to commiserate, I guess. Gonna go blast Nightmare by Halsey for a few hours bye love u

lol I was just sitting down to talk about this with you. I’m obviously going to rant now, so don’t take this as me shouting at you or anything… it’s just me shouting because I’m angry and frustrated and sad.

so, okay. I’m really upset about warren. once again it feels like a woman who was twice as prepared as anyone else in her field lost a popularity contest (I have seen this date referred to as ‘11/9/2016 lite’ and I agree), and yeah, maybe I have no place making this about resonance, but I’ve been that woman too many times. sometimes being a woman in this country feels absolutely fucking pointless. honestly? my first response to the outcome of the weinstein trial was  that it was not enough. I am not satisfied. almost no sentences are fully served and weinstein has enough money and clout to file countless appeals, which means a 5 year sentence at 50% (at which point he’d be eligible for parole, unless the sentencing judge disallows it) with time served (meaning the time he spends in jail awaiting sentencing will count towards his prison sentence) could very well mean he never sets foot in prison. and I will never forget how I felt the day of the kavanaugh hearing.

so when elizabeth warren came down like a fucking hammer on bloomberg, when she said on national tv “I believe the woman” without a blink of doubt, that spoke to me in a way no male candidate has or probably ever will. why did I vote for her? I like her policies, yes, but I like that she sat there and looked that male reporter in the eye and she fucking said what reason would she have to lie? I believed in her for that alone.

I’m tired of having to consider likability or electability. it’s bullshit. look, nobody is perfect. more often than not we will have to choose politicians throughout our lifetimes who have said or done regrettable things; it’s the nature of the position, and we just have to choose the best of our options. I am lucky that during my lifetime I have believed strongly in two presidential candidates: barack obama and elizabeth warren. I cast my very first vote for obama and thought I would forever find politicians I could believe in. I was wrong.

I said I would never speak poorly about the other democratic candidates but I will tell you that on a personal level, I do not believe in them. I have said many times that I like bernie’s policies, but I am fundamentally irritated by the fact that he had a goddamn heart attack and then, rather than immediately dropping out to throw his weight behind a more viable candidate, he stayed in the race. I’m sorry, but can bernie live eight years? because we need him for eight years. can he live four? the office of president of the united states is, lightly put, a stressful job. did he have to be the person to put his policies into effect? does he truly believe he’s the only candidate who could continue his work towards good? sorry, but for me it reeks of male ego. there are younger politicians who have and will continue to take up bernie sanders’ work. do not get me wrong—I don’t mean to be ageist, I don’t mean to discredit his political history or his life’s work or his beliefs. I do, however, have a more longsighted interest in the future of this country than simply this one electoral win, because if we don’t put someone in office who can hold it, we will see a loss in 2024 and start this cycle over again.

it is fundamentally crucial to have a democrat stronghold so that we can put liberals on the supreme court and in the cabinet. we must rebuild the programs this administration chipped away. we need to keep the house and flip the senate. I will vote for whoever will fill this country’s bureaucratic positions with people who do not occupy the far right and if it hurts my stomach to do it, if it pushes my morality, if it forces me to look the other way on things I would have rather fought against, I don’t care. this system is not good. it needs fixing. incremental changes are important. 

I said this as a joke once, but I’m totally serious. in the words of the immortal cinematic masterpiece frozen II:

do the next right thing