#elluno

[elluno]

my lover hides from me. still he hides from me. I see glimpses of beauty promised— undelivered, yet teased —in there, in those back rooms, it is locked up. it’s my job to point it out, never to unlock but I’m ever curious, you see, and hungry for a taste of the beauty he hides beneath his ribs. I see it in there beating undisturbed. Shall I wait?

[wnq-writers]

Love is not something we hold, we exhale it.

elluno 

[elluno]

‘Inwards’, you say. Ok, let’s look inwards:

In all my days of loving, a chance so special I have never encountered.

When I met you, I missed it; the marble of your eyes. I didn’t see anything, couldn’t see anything; It was still night In my house—bedroom.

I slept at odd times and worked even, through the pain of it all. Then I saw you, and saw you differently. And each day I saw you, you were different; I was different, we were different.

Curious; I was, I still am.

So, my darling, dearest, yes, I do love you. In case you still wonder, yes, I do love you.

[elluno]

And he’s fine and he doesn’t give a fuck

I was worthless to him and

for some reason I hoped he’d see me

and I know it’s pathetic

and I disgust myself

every time I look at him

he disgusts me and I disgust myself.

[elluno]

Maybe we weren’t meant to see the stars this day. Tears in my eyes, I can’t see clearly this day. Clouds in the sky, I can barely breathe this day. You and me lost together, apart, this way. Who knows if the strings will stand or bend our way? Is it through the sanding of our souls away? Do I hold you, promise it will be ok? Lie to you, kiss the surface of our decay? Maybe after all is done, I’ll finally say, That we weren’t meant to be, but I’ll love you always.

[elluno]

I’ve never really had friends. I realise that now, after years of begging for the very love I gave so thoughtlessly. Colonial minds put a price on the love I give freely. “It must be worth nothing,”, they say to themselves, “since it’s being given away like this.” So, my love has no power, no yield no impact, nothing. As empty as the vessel pouring it out it would seem.

[elluno]

I can’t say they haven’t loved me at all,

but not to my own capacity,

and I wonder if I’ve ever truly been loved

at all.

Again,

I say to myself,

I am utterly alone in this world.

I met a pretty lady in a strip of park

somewhere in the city with wings.

She sobbed quietly on a bench,

company to herself,

and I stopped and I sat

and I said to her, softly, gently,

‘What’s wrong, my lovely?

Do you want to talk about it?’

she nodded and smiled, sadly.

I fished out some tissue from my bag

and dabbed it on her cheeks.

She told me she was waiting to meet friends,

friends who constantly ridiculed her

for being single.

I was angry, but I held it down.

‘Have you told them how you feel?’

I had asked her.

She said she was scared to call them out.

Call them out.

Call them out.

Hmm.

I said to her, and my heart,

‘Friends that care about you

will see the pain they’ve caused

and try to make things right.’

What I left unsaid was that

If they don’t make room for you,

They aren’t really worth much,

If anything at all.

Even in her tears,

she considered them,

And what was the fruit

Of their friendship to her? Pain.

When I left her,

I wondered why I endlessly loved

People who repaid me in heartache.

I’m just like her, to be honest.

Only,

Instead of city park benches,

I cry

High as fuck

In the country fields near my father’s house,

Alone

Because I always am anyway.

[elluno]

shall I tell you a secret? listen closely, twice heard once spoken, look away for a second and you’ll miss it. do you see it, there, fluttering with her lashes? except it’s not at you. the gaze she rounds out and the lips she pouts not at you, not the focus, yet somehow you feel the stroke of her hand on your face as it connects with another’s across the room, how can it be? she laughs and she smiles and the flash of teeth belongs to you in feeling only hoping and waiting for your turn, aren’t you? when will it come, when will she land on your outstretched waiting hand? she dances around the room and never looks at you, the gift she gives you? allowing you to watch her freely.