#027 Banter
Settle down everybody. We’re about to cover a topic that’s very near and dear to my heart. (This line is the sole remaining remnant of a rap I wrote for this opening paragraph. Other lines included “sidekicks, mutants, hammers with names ending in ‘nir’ lend me your ears” and “fear not my peers for I have brought the beers” it was horrible and so we removed it.) As you may have been able to glean from avidly following this blog (shout out to the twenty something bots who follow my blog and try to send me viruses and my dad!) I enjoy making the occasional joke (sometimes they go in parenthesis). Now, you may not have realized this but this is actually a very important skill to have while superheroing it up. That’s right twenty something bots and my dad, it’s time we discussed the virtues of battle banter.
Now not to toot my own horn or pat my own back (like some kind of plebe, I have people to toot my horns and pat my back for me) but I’m something of an expert at talking smack. They don’t call me Smackary Schechter for nothing (ok, fine, they actually call me Snackary Schechter. I eat a lot of snacks. Maybe we’ll discuss that here some other time.) Being able to come up with quality combat banter is good and useful for a number of reasons. It establishes you as a friendlier sort of hero. As opposed to the type that growls a lot and scares everyone. It can serve to throw off your enemies in the midst of a fight. Nobody likes being insulted or joked with while they’re trying to blow up dams (a damn stupid evil plot,) again we’ve done polling (we have done zero polling). It can also unnerve a villain; surely a hero who is joking around in the midst of a laser space battle (sorry can you repeat that whole evil monologue again, I didn’t catch it, I was spacing out,) is extremely secure in their ability to stop them. In some cases, it can even lead to a sort of rapport with the bad guy, and eventually, every once in a while, in rare case, it can cause a villain to view you as a sort of friend (or at the very least a workplace associate) and maybe even be the thing that causes them to decide to turn over a new leaf and reform themselves.
There are several different types of smack talk and it’s important to find the right fit for you. You can go for the “disparaging your opponents’ ability to do anything” route and literally just insult everything your enemy tries to do. Insult the caliber of their evil plans (really? You’re blowing up the moon? Wow cliché much?) Mock their fighting abilities (you punch like my grandmother, not the one who was a superhero, the other one, the one who is notoriously bad at punching). Remind them that they’re not nearly as evil as some other villain that they despise (My man, Demolistructor would’ve tried to blow up a city twice- no, three times the size of this one.) Just go full on insult comic on their villainous butts. Another similar, yet distinct, trash talk technique is the nitpicking method. This is where you point out every little flaw in a villain’s plan or actions causing them to second guess or overthink themselves (your costume is bright purple were you even trying to pull off this heist stealthily. Looking at your bandolier {I nearly wrote gondolier which is, of course, a venetian boatman and not the chest ammo belt we’re discussing here} you didn’t bring nearly enough bullets to this fight,) which may even eventually cause them to mess up at a crucial moment or just give up entirely because you’ve caused them to think their plan is doomed to fail.
You can try the motor-mouth method. Fighting bad guys while making an endless stream of jokes and observations which serve only to distract the villain from achieving their goal or murdering you (hey whoa that was a close one you nearly just gouged my eye out with your- your- Is that a ruby encrusted machete? Dude why do you even have that? That’s so extra. I feel like you could probably just sell that for cash instead of robbing this water park. How much money do you think is even realistically at this water park? It’s the middle of the winter. There’s nobody here, this was a terrible idea. Oh you’re coming at me with the sword again. Cool. Cool. Good thing I’ve got lightning fast dodging reflexes. Can’t touch this. M.C. Hammer style. Wait is it M.C. or emcee? Like are M.C. his initials? Is he a master of ceremonies? Is it really McHammer? Do you think he’s Irish? No you’re right he’s probably not Irish. I understand that you didn’t actually voice your opinion on the matter but I feel like you probably disagreed. We tend to be doing that a lot today Ruby Encrusted Sword Guy.) Or you can go the HowtoHero™ route and makes tons of puns. (Yeah that’s right I called the cops ahead of time. I knew you were going to try to rob the Federal Reserve. In fact, I guess you could say I was banking on it.) This requires a bit more thought though and if you aren’t normally one for clever word play I’d suggest not wasting valuable time trying to come up with a pun for the situation. Another type of mid-fight banter consists of calling out random fight moves and giving them ridiculous, over the top names. (Expository explanation!) This serves to give the bad guy a sense of fear or apprehension for what might even turn out to be a relatively ineffective move. Giving your fight moves crazy disproportionate names (super mega sky fury punch of Satan!) puts the bad guy on constant edge and causes them to hesitate which gives you more opportunities to beat them.
Most heroes won’t stick to just one type of banter, and again, these are only a few, rather, they will employ a mixture of some or all of these different style while facing off against super-criminals. Battle banter should only be used by heroes who are still able to fight competently and effectively whilst talking. You should try to get to a point where it’s second nature to you and you don’t need to put any thought into cracking wise in the heat of a battle.
