12/05/20
Started writing @ 02:27 A.m.
I just felt like writing this.. Today of all days probably because of this constant tension I feel, as I’m sure you feel too, has begun emerging from a slight disagreement to a state of normalcy.. I know we both mean well, but maybe we set ourselves up for failure with false hopes and over the moon expectancies. Perhaps we’re nothing more than a lingering lust for what we desire, nothing more or less than a surface attraction; fatal. Or- perhaps it is real. Messy, raw, heartfelt, and deep. The “I can’t breathe without you blurt it out at the top of your lungs do whatever it takes for us to make it” kind of real.. I never thought I’d even entertain the idea to consider giving up, not this far in with you. We have such compassion and admiration for each other. We’ve been through all sorts of trials and tribulations… the one we can’t seem to shake is what has me losing sleep lately… I’m not blaming you, nor am I blaming me- both you and I are intertwined to an extreme entangled knot- so to speak. I have no issue recognizing my personal faults.. My sensitivity.. My “having to tiptoe” at times emotional state from my lingering yet haunting past I possess. I know you have faults and I know you are aware of them as well- I only say these things because I wish we were able to push forth (certain times/situations). I wrote this piece below, it’s sort of one way I’ve interpreted both our demons at work, especially when our stubborn attributes go head to head… so here it goes, my metaphor…
There’s come so many instances, when we, unfortunately, decide to fuel our need for ever degrading cut-throat phrases.. Our mouths begin dishing out hurtful punch lines, which have become so nonchalantly spoken when upset at/with each other. Reinforcing this authority aspect to determine whether one (or the other) has in fact misconstrued words, misunderstood, overreacted, or just bluntly spewed put-downs from an endless supply of hypocritical statements backed up by nonexistent rules and regulations. Displaying an inaccurate recollection of previous to present events, which tend to unfold to be no more than our own pathetic attempts to win this apparent “irrelevant game” of who can hurt who more or who can have the last word- who’s actually right and who decides- unwillingly, we’ve cast ourselves to play in the game we accidentally created.
Incidentally, we start by placing our game pieces upon the board with such an uncanny and heartless demeanor, and yet, it’s clear neither one of us can remember how we came to play in the first place.. After many tiring back & forth “your turn, my turn” we find ourselves shoving our free will aside, letting our emotions either run a muck- or shut down completely; the time already invested is unknown, how much more time is to pass while awaiting whose turn is to be next, has us side lined while becoming more manipulatable. Then, the wind blows past; we can hear awful sounding whispers. The rumor-like gossip- distinctly discussing ALL of our ill spoken words, our heartbreaking acts of betrayal, any lie we told to the other which was spoken at it’s time to be believed as a truth, the hurtful remarks we’ve exchanged in the heat of the moment- giving this game the result desired: us- overtaken by an erupting anger and an impatient need for revenge. Closing our eyes only to relive the pain-staking regrettable moments/memories of our past, and it’s a horrific nightmare- causing rage to be taken out on each other and there seems to be no stopping it from bursting into flames. Here is where we “officially” sealed our fate to play- unknowingly allowing control for all decisions to be decided by this two dimensional four sided game- powerless to it’s leisure. Having ulterior motives from the starting point, plotting to twist us from lovers to enemies . Testing it’s theory and validity that love is of weak character. Why we feel we can claim our thoughts and feelings to be concrete law and seek sheer revenge on the opposing opponent who dare not abide, is ludicris. Let’s call a timeout- agree to disagree- give in- call it a truce- wave a white flag; admit defeat.. We are capable of eradicating this despicable game, destroying it before being destroyed ourselves. Being subjected to an unimaginable destination, landing us on this cruel game board is an unsettling feeling. But- we are only the pieces which are necessary to play.. I plead with you to look at how easily it has been to get to the point of hate, especially here. To love clearly requires a never ending form of effort- when our feelings of bliss are flipped to bitterness, and this game has turned it’s objective to sabotage us as soon as we were obligated to play should’ve taught us differently, instead of clouding our better judgement. It isn’t difficult to let go and be consumed by the hatred rapidly expanding, but I beg you to reconsider, to detour yourself from this inescapable marathon. There is a storm Forming, a “sudden death” round seems to be what lay forth when selfish ambitions are transformed from mere battle plots to actual moves.. Despite being schemed and tricked, we both were, forcing us to play as cold metal pieces upon a board and against each other- I refuse to let us be forever stuck upon this board game from hell. Our vengeful footsteps led us down a dark and ominous maze, one that was unforgiving, filled with curves and precise bends causing to land on every “lose a turn” or “move back an infinite amount of squares” this game has to offer. I can feel the game itself groaning- demanding to stay amused, our suffering feeding it’s laughter. Do you truly wish to continue playing against me and against me you?!?!... I sincerely hope the worst of this is done.. I’ve desperately clung to any memory possible, the good ones.. you demonstrating your unconditional love for me, the tenderness for only us to know- memories we both carry. There must be a strategy to not only end this horrid game, but that ends with me in your arms.
I’ve fought the quivering fear this wretched game tried to keep a constant inside of me. So, I no longer strive to win, winning is and always will be completely obsolete. I traded in playing a worthless hate induced game for better things...
….you.
……. <3
