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@theartofmadeline
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@beautifullybroken42189
12/05/20
Started writing @ 02:27 A.m.
I just felt like writing this.. Today of all days probably because of this constant tension I feel, as I’m sure you feel too, has begun emerging from a slight disagreement to a state of normalcy.. I know we both mean well, but maybe we set ourselves up for failure with false hopes and over the moon expectancies. Perhaps we’re nothing more than a lingering lust for what we desire, nothing more or less than a surface attraction; fatal. Or- perhaps it is real. Messy, raw, heartfelt, and deep. The “I can’t breathe without you blurt it out at the top of your lungs do whatever it takes for us to make it” kind of real.. I never thought I’d even entertain the idea to consider giving up, not this far in with you. We have such compassion and admiration for each other. We’ve been through all sorts of trials and tribulations… the one we can’t seem to shake is what has me losing sleep lately… I’m not blaming you, nor am I blaming me- both you and I are intertwined to an extreme entangled knot- so to speak. I have no issue recognizing my personal faults.. My sensitivity.. My “having to tiptoe” at times emotional state from my lingering yet haunting past I possess. I know you have faults and I know you are aware of them as well- I only say these things because I wish we were able to push forth (certain times/situations). I wrote this piece below, it’s sort of one way I’ve interpreted both our demons at work, especially when our stubborn attributes go head to head… so here it goes, my metaphor…
There’s come so many instances, when we, unfortunately, decide to fuel our need for ever degrading cut-throat phrases.. Our mouths begin dishing out hurtful punch lines, which have become so nonchalantly spoken when upset at/with each other. Reinforcing this authority aspect to determine whether one (or the other) has in fact misconstrued words, misunderstood, overreacted, or just bluntly spewed put-downs from an endless supply of hypocritical statements backed up by nonexistent rules and regulations. Displaying an inaccurate recollection of previous to present events, which tend to unfold to be no more than our own pathetic attempts to win this apparent “irrelevant game” of who can hurt who more or who can have the last word- who’s actually right and who decides- unwillingly, we’ve cast ourselves to play in the game we accidentally created.
Incidentally, we start by placing our game pieces upon the board with such an uncanny and heartless demeanor, and yet, it’s clear neither one of us can remember how we came to play in the first place.. After many tiring back & forth “your turn, my turn” we find ourselves shoving our free will aside, letting our emotions either run a muck- or shut down completely; the time already invested is unknown, how much more time is to pass while awaiting whose turn is to be next, has us side lined while becoming more manipulatable. Then, the wind blows past; we can hear awful sounding whispers. The rumor-like gossip- distinctly discussing ALL of our ill spoken words, our heartbreaking acts of betrayal, any lie we told to the other which was spoken at it’s time to be believed as a truth, the hurtful remarks we’ve exchanged in the heat of the moment- giving this game the result desired: us- overtaken by an erupting anger and an impatient need for revenge. Closing our eyes only to relive the pain-staking regrettable moments/memories of our past, and it’s a horrific nightmare- causing rage to be taken out on each other and there seems to be no stopping it from bursting into flames. Here is where we “officially” sealed our fate to play- unknowingly allowing control for all decisions to be decided by this two dimensional four sided game- powerless to it’s leisure. Having ulterior motives from the starting point, plotting to twist us from lovers to enemies . Testing it’s theory and validity that love is of weak character. Why we feel we can claim our thoughts and feelings to be concrete law and seek sheer revenge on the opposing opponent who dare not abide, is ludicris. Let’s call a timeout- agree to disagree- give in- call it a truce- wave a white flag; admit defeat.. We are capable of eradicating this despicable game, destroying it before being destroyed ourselves. Being subjected to an unimaginable destination, landing us on this cruel game board is an unsettling feeling. But- we are only the pieces which are necessary to play.. I plead with you to look at how easily it has been to get to the point of hate, especially here. To love clearly requires a never ending form of effort- when our feelings of bliss are flipped to bitterness, and this game has turned it’s objective to sabotage us as soon as we were obligated to play should’ve taught us differently, instead of clouding our better judgement. It isn’t difficult to let go and be consumed by the hatred rapidly expanding, but I beg you to reconsider, to detour yourself from this inescapable marathon. There is a storm Forming, a “sudden death” round seems to be what lay forth when selfish ambitions are transformed from mere battle plots to actual moves.. Despite being schemed and tricked, we both were, forcing us to play as cold metal pieces upon a board and against each other- I refuse to let us be forever stuck upon this board game from hell. Our vengeful footsteps led us down a dark and ominous maze, one that was unforgiving, filled with curves and precise bends causing to land on every “lose a turn” or “move back an infinite amount of squares” this game has to offer. I can feel the game itself groaning- demanding to stay amused, our suffering feeding it’s laughter. Do you truly wish to continue playing against me and against me you?!?!... I sincerely hope the worst of this is done.. I’ve desperately clung to any memory possible, the good ones.. you demonstrating your unconditional love for me, the tenderness for only us to know- memories we both carry. There must be a strategy to not only end this horrid game, but that ends with me in your arms.
I’ve fought the quivering fear this wretched game tried to keep a constant inside of me. So, I no longer strive to win, winning is and always will be completely obsolete. I traded in playing a worthless hate induced game for better things...
….you.
……. <3
Winter woodland.
"I had been frozen; lost inside a forever lasting winter storm. I waited for the spring weather. It seemed impossible, spring was too far from my grasp. I couldn’t fathom living in this bone chilling and statue-like exsistance for all of eternity. Worn and weathered, i was becoming forgotten. Left to dwell in an endless winter, with no shelter or escape. Hypothermia set in; i pleaded mother nature to remove this bitter cold. It was consuming my will to live; it began to take control of me. I accepted this was my inevitable fate, i belonged in the nothingness. Hope was not a word spoken within my vocabulary, i believed in no such word anymore. You stumbled across the vast winter woodland where i stood. Perhaps, you were also living as myself and wanted some one who could piece you back together. You approached where i stood; intrigued yet consumed with such nervousness. As I quaintly awoke from an endless deep slumber, i could only focus upon looking at you with such awe and amazement. Our eyes locked within each other's prominent gaze so intensely, almost as if you knew i’d be there waiting; waiting for you. I began to thaw at a rapid pace from your exquisite warm touch, i finally felt alive. Completely infatuated, my eyes curiously explored the details of you. The smile on your face imprinted within my mind. I closed my eyes, was this is a dream? Spring had finally arrived. You saved my soul and conquered the harsh winter. You’ve become the smell after a spring rain; a scent which i find addictive. My tendency to allow chaos and personal demons have the best of me are coming to a close. Those terrifying days are gone, all because of your breath-taking ability to conquer and defeat the winter storm i once called home."
Copy right ownership: Em(ily) G. Smith
Em's life™®
Metaphorical Alzheimer's (something worth remembering)
Please come home to me my love. It seems I’ve forgotten how to fall asleep once more, your body is not accompanying mine in our bed. I cannot remember how to keep warm without your strong yet gentle arms draped tightly around me, your hands always gripping my waistline as do a pair of jeans that perfectly fit so snug to my hips. Please come home to me my love. I desperately desire your cure for my metaphorical alzheimer’s disease, it plagues my mind caused by your unintentional leave of absence. I am afraid my love. Afraid my memory will never be whole again. For if my mind does not restore my once strong and current memories, it would only tell me that you had never come home and that my love, I couldn’t ever forget. Come home to me my love. I am begging you as a poor man begs the more fortunate man for any means of living. My delicate mind is slipping and I need you to make it stick. Come cure me my love. It is you, and only you, who can cause and cure this horrid disease out of my being. Make me remember and never forget by spending the rest of eternity together.
-Em
We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute.
John Keating (via observando)
Word.
If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.
Sarah Dessen, Dreamland (via hqlines)
Ugh.
Im so sick of feeling lonely.. The one person whom I crave, who i want atleast once to show how he wants me sort of in the similar feel with drug addiction. The need for more because a tolerance built up. Needing to see me kiss me touch me because the thought of me with another kills him inside. Why can't he show me this? He claims to feel what i describe to want but has no desire to demonstrate it. Once, only once is what I ask. Stop making it seem like I am inadequate to you. If he wants to be put on trial while claiming to have no record, than he better get one hell of a lawyer to represent his supposed truth because my heart is the best attorney. He never shows me attention unless for his gain or until i tell him I'm leaving due to being neglected. That's when "I need you's" pour from his lips.. Such a pathetic and lazy way to try and win me over again. I've learned your tricks old dog, and you have no more up your sleeve. Don't give me just enough to keep me holding on but not enough to keep me feeling fulfilled for long. Walking away maybe the best, but I'm in too deep now to simply turn around. Give me what you know I deserve because I will not hesitate to buy my drugs else where babe. -Em Smith
Missing summer already.
Old pic of me 13 years ago.. wow how time flies.. Photo cred: Melissa Taylor (my bestest friend)
I am open to any and all questions, comments, ect.. ask away please :)
What is your favorite type of writing to read
When everything inside me fell apart and crumbled to itty bitty pieces. When I tried so hard to glue back everything together to feel whole again. When picking up my own pieces hurt just as bad as falling apart, because I know no matter how hard I try, i’m not gonna be the same. It was in that...
Borrowed. Who ever wrote this, props to you :)
I love scary movies, but i'm afraid of the dark.
Shout out to a_soul_lost_in_wonderland.. i look forward to reading your posts everyday because they're extremely relatable to my life. Thanks for the pick me ups and allowing me to reblog them! -Em Smith
Me.. in a nutshell.
No title. Just words strung together.
"When you caress my skin so tender, or when you bite my lip while were kissing i wonder how many have felt this way with you before..? A little negative thought i guess.. i just can't help to think of all the girls that felt this way with you in your past as i feel in this very moment.." by: Emily Smith (me)
My heart will never settle in a cage. I was born wild, so wild i will remain. ❤