#emo blogging

[saintmichale]

Bring us back into the light // get up coward!

[zombiiites]

seeing my local toys r us sell new old emo cds & vinyls was the best jumpscare of my life

[ghost-girlslut]

pink dream

[melrosesystem]

Side blogs

Hi everyone. We’ve decided to start making side blogs for individual alters, so I’ll post any side blogs we make here in case anyone is interested. ^-^

@lilymelrose - Lily’s blog, emo/scene aesthetic stuff and some age regression related stuff.

@katrinatherussianblue - Katrina’s blog about being a non-human alter.

@melrosefairies - A blog for alters who identify with or love fairies!

[lightningarmour]

NaNoWriMo & Me

I have, in the past had delusions of participating in nanowrimo (or National Novel Writing Month for those not in-the-know) but I never followed through because I’m lazy and also writing for any significant length of time gives me anxiety for some stupid reason. Like, if I do it for too long I start to feel like I’m losing my grasp on it and I get panicked and stop, so attempting a goal of 50,000 words at like 2000 words a day seems pretty unrealistic for me so I only ever seem to write in short bursts which is awful for productivity.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about writing and why I like doing it and why I want to do it seriously and all that, so I’m thinking yeah I should give NaNo a go this year to jumpstart my writing drive again. I’ve got a couple WiPs on the go and decided to do one of those instead of starting something new, so it will be easier to get into the rhythm and all and I won’t be smashing my head into a wall trying to come up with new material.

As it turns out, the story I’m redrafting for this thing is already well over 50,000 words long. I’ve got a 175 page word document saved for it, and I have a journal mostly filled with the latter part of it. Which is cool and all but for real I barely remember writing that much of it. I’m actually struggling to think of what it all could be. I remember not having the whole thing perfectly written out yet, I skipped some parts that I couldn’t work through, I can’t seem to plot the whole thing out in my head so what the hell is all this stuff? When did I write this all? It must have been like 3 or 4 years ago.

It just makes me think, gee maybe I shouldn’t get so stressed about writing? Maybe I’m not as bad at it as I think, or at least I’m not as starved for inspiration as I feel. The other day at work it was pretty slow and I was thinking about the prospect of having to rewrite this whole story, so I picked up a notepad and just started jamming out on it and in no time at all I’d rewritten the entire intro chapter of this story. Like, effortlessly it just came to me.

I think there’s something holistic about straight up pen-to-paper writing. It seems like I can crush a few hundred words like nothing just jotting things down, but when trying to type shit out in a word document I’m just creatively dead. I guess with pen and paper it feels less permanent? More like just a silly little whimsical doodling or something. I can write out a whole sentence and see how it works and just scratch it out if I don’t like it, or make some notes in the margins, substitute words and the like and it doesn’t cost me anything, I’m not losing work if you catch my drift.

On a computer, typing it out I guess I think of it more like a professional thing. Yeah, you can still type out a whole thing, change it if you don’t like it, backspace, delete shit, rearrange stuff but somehow that feels like I’m not making progress. Like I’m going backwards. With a notebook, even if I change something or strike out a part I don’t like or use fill-in words and shit I’m still filling up pages worth of stuff. Actual stuff that I put there, real results of my effort.

Anyway, this is getting overly long and rambly. Just wanted to vent some of my thoughts on the matter, and revel just a bit in the fact that I’m actually enjoying writing again, and this whole experience has been positive, and I’m feeling optimistic for once, which is a drastic and welcome change to how this kind of thing made me feel a few years ago.

[maybe-this-time]

No one is as open with me as I am with them and I’m just really fucking getting sick of it and I don’t know how much longer I can pretend it’s okay and that I’m not fucking dying inside

[truckstophottie]

Me: You know what? I'm feeling pretty good rn life isn't too bad I think I'll be alright finally Me .5 seconds later: I want Death

[novalillies]

love is weird

(personal ramblings on the subject under the cut)

on some level or another, we all crave it. while i have been fortunate enough o have never felt like i never had enough platonic or familial love, romantic love is something i personally have been anxiously craving for practically my whole life. i blame this on the fact that a lot of my family is mormon (many people of this religion marry SUPER early), and that its just so far etched into our society that everyone finds “the one” at some point in their life

a month ago, i was falling in love with a girl (lets call her sarah) who i had known for a little over a month. we instantly clicked, and immediately i wanted to grab and keep her attention and make her happy. practically everything i did was for her. i told her everything, and it got to the point where i was practically ignoring my best friend of 13 or so years

its not like my feelings were one-sided. sarah admitted to using me in order to “experiment” (something i agreed to because i longed for affection, bad mistake past me), and for reasons i shouldnt disclose at this time, we could literally never be together. in the end we crashed and burned

that happened about 4 weeks ago. ive slowly been recovering, but definitely not as fast as i would like to. recently ive come to the realization that this was very much so abuse, and now certain things relating to it (her name, her social media handles, her fandom content) are triggering for me. it feels weird to say that im heartbroken because we werent actually together, but i am

but then i think back to my first love, marina. in a lot of ways the situations are very similar: i fell for marina so fast and so hard, but our back and forth went on for five years. however, she and i were in a relationship a few times, but it just never worked out

the similarities between these two rests mainly in my actions: i am very, very clingy when in love; do things solely for the girl of my affections; hide my own negative feelings towards things in order not to burden them and often times resort to self destructive tendencies; the list goes on and on

marina and i first got together when we were so, so young. i thought i had learned from all of my mistakes and wouldnt fall for the same antics i had before

maybe thats why it hurts so much now: my first love, i didnt know any better because i was young and naive. but this time im supposed to know better. im supposed to be an adult. im supposed to be able to handle my feelings

in a lot of ways, they both were afraid to show their love for me. the difference between them is that sarah was much more up front about her feelings. marina would shut me out entirely

marina showed me hardly any affection (i tried my best, but it was hard due to our ages at the time). sarah though, she practically showered me in affection at all hours of the day. she encouraged and validated me, and at that time i had never felt so loved by anyone. she became my sole confidant (which was probably part of the problem. if i had been talking to jason at this time i KNOW he would have been like “what the fuck are you doing” and talked sense into me). she always encouraged my romantic inclinations, even though SHE knew her actions were absolutely terrible. for all her faults, and for how much i despise her now, at least she didnt let this go on for five years like marina did

this all makes me wonder if this is how my life will go. it took me almost three years to come fully to terms about what happened with marina before i really fell in love again. will it be the same now? when im 24 will the wounds sarah inflicted finally heal? will i end up falling for some other girl, only to have my heartbroken again?

its no wonder i identified as aromantic for awhile. it was so much easier than this

i know im in absolutely no position to love again, but i really, really want to. i had forgotten how wonderful it was to have someone love you like sarah did. i mean, most of our relationship was very toxic, but that feeling of being in love is literally like no other. i know there were definitely a few days where the world just felt lighter and i had a spring in my step and couldnt stop smiling. i always want to feel like that

i think the main thing for me to take out of my experiences is to have patience. mainly for myself. i need to remind myself to take things slow in both relationships and with personal healing (it hasn’t even been a month. of COURSE im gonna have a lot of breakdowns. im sure it was the same with marina, but i just dont remember as clearly given its almost been 4 years) 

another thing is that there are things to take from both relationships. i shouldnt shut my partners out, but i also shouldnt overshare with them (that was another problem with marina, i talked to my friends about our problems more than i did with her). i shouldnt be so desperate for affection. i should know when to walk away and to trust my instinct more. i shouldnt get so angry 

its so hard to be optimistic right now. but im trying my best. and i need to remind myself that im good enough